I stare at the white ceiling. Turn my head to face the white walls. White floor, white sheets on the white bed on which I'm lying in my white gown.
Did I ever tell anyone that I used to love white?
My childhood bedroom was white.
A white closet, a white cupboard, white bookshelves, a white chandelier, a white desk. But the walls hadn't been white. They had been a light shade of blue. Baby-blue, my mom always called it.
My bedroom had been my own little paradise in this hellhole called Panem. But it had been taken away from me, just like everything else. House, family, friends, innocence…
I feel empty.
I have been feeling empty for the last couple of months. The emptiness started when I got rescued from the Capitol by the rebels. The emptiness had started at that exact moment. I wasn't being tortured anymore, didn't have to keep my mouth shut anymore, no need to fight anymore.
Dr. Aurelius had said they would all give me time 'to become myself again'. But the thing is, I had only been myself the last couple of years when I was fighting against something or someone. And just like that, they took that away from me too. To save me.
Morphling had been the only thing that could save me at that point. Until he had taken the morphling away. No that's not right, he hadn't taken it away, he had asked me to put it away myself. He had offered to be the morphling. To be the morphling. To save me.
And he had saved me, for a couple of days he had talked to me, for hours a day, and saved me.
Until he had been taken away from me by a something that belonged to a certain someone I would have gladly killed myself. But I had known he wouldn't be my kill. Everything had been about Katniss Everdeen, the true Mockingjay.
Did she know I was the original Mockingjay?
Another thing that suddenly didn't belong to me anymore.
"Love the room. Very colorful."
His voice echoes against the white walls, bringing a smile to my lips. I turn my head around and bring my knees up to my chin to make room for him on my bed. With the ever familiar bounce in his steps, he walks over to my bed and makes himself comfortable on it, just like he used to when we were both in the Capitol.
He flashes me the brightest of smiles. "Hi."
I return the smile, I even feel it reach my eyes. "Hi Finnick."
His eyes, his smile, his voice… Everything sends shivers through my spine. I know I shouldn't be happy he's here but I am. I don't care if he's the reason I'm in here, I'm just happy he's not leaving me here alone.
"I am sorry you ended up here," he says, suddenly extremely sad, eyes cast down.
"I'm not. I like it here. I have a bed, they help me shower, they bring me food. It's more that I could provide myself with."
"But Johanna, this is a mental hospital."
I shrug. "I know. I also know why I'm in here, most of the other patients don't."
We sit in silence for a couple of moments. It's a comfortable one, it has always been comfortable between us, even when we were in uncomfortable places like, I don't know, that freaking Capitol.
"I'm sorry I showed up that night. You know, the first night you were in District 4, living with Annie. If I hadn't showed up..."
I watch my hands tying knots in a little rope, something I learnt from the man sitting in front of me. I remember that night quite clearly. I had been lying awake in my new bed. I had promised to look after Annie so that's what I did, following her to the District I hated most because a) it reminded me of my best friend and b) because there was water everywhere. Suddenly, Finnick had walked into the room as if he had never left. And we had talked, all night long, about the outcome of the rebellion, about his death/sacrifice, about Annie and her pregnancy, about my recently-overcome Morphling-addiction. And in the morning, he had left. And Annie had called Dr. Aurelius to tell him I had been talking to ghosts that night.
"It's good that you showed up. I needed you and you knew that so that's why you showed up."
"Or maybe because I needed you too?"
I smirk. "How could you possibly need me? You're dead."
He takes the rope out of my hands and tosses it away, taking my hands in his. "Just because we live in different worlds doesn't mean we can't need each other. We've always needed each other!"
"Don't say things you don't mean, Finnick. You're such a gentleman, always looking after someone else's interests. I'm a big girl, I can handle the truth."
"Gentleman. I know what you mean. Sure, I was in love with Annie and I still am. I will always love her. But it's not because you love someone you don't have room for more in your heart. I loved you too. You were my best friend from the day we met and you'll always be my best friend. Annie doesn't know me the way you do. No one stands in between best friends, not even Annie. I think that's the reason I can only come see you."
A hysteric laugh escapes my lips which probably proves my mental instability once again. "Come see me? Finnick, I'm the crazy one here. I'm the one who sees dead people. That's why I'm here, remember? It's my mind that pictures you, it's not you who comes to see me. It's all in my head. It's all in my head!"
His hands cradle my face, ever so softly. "I must disagree with you but even if it is in your head, why shouldn't it be real?"
And I know he's right. Even if it is in my head, it's comforting to know that I still have him, that he didn't leave me like everyone else did.