A.N. Makoto reflects on her romantic history. All roads lead to Ami.
Story is set in the same universe as my other fics, but it works as a stand alone.
The second scene is parallel to my other fics "Ripple Effects" and "A Dark and Stormy Night"
Final scene is parallel to the last scene of "In the Darkness" and is the teaser trailer for my upcoming fic: "Walking Towards Light: Ami Redux".
All three stories can be found on my profile. (Full story of "Stormy Night" can be found under my name on Ao3)
Character references are in the author's notes at the end if necessary. Thank you for reading!
Warning: implied suicide attempt in the last scene.
The Lovers of Kino Makoto
The list of Makoto's crushes was so long that she'd need a chart of keep track of it all. Sempai, who broke her self-confidence. Crane Joe- selfish, Motoki -sweet, Misha - monster, Seijuurou - alien, Moonlight Knight - both non existent and unavailable. Impressive. They were all interchangeable really. All were unavailable and/or doomed from the start. The other thing they had in common was that they were male, and they existed (sort of) - just like Sempai, the boy Makoto thought loved her back.
Makoto craved love. She thought she knew what that meant.
Things changed one day. She met Haruka. Makoto learned something about herself that day with the crazy scarf adventure. It took some time to accept, she was already such a big, strong...different kind of girl. Questioning her sexuality on top of that would have been another crushing blow to her self image. Still.. it wasn't in her nature to be anything but honest. By the end of that day, she found what she admired most about Haruka was her confidence in who she was. A diamon attacked right after and ripped out her pure heart. She got it back eventually, but Makoto learned from the near-death experience. She resolved to take a page from Haruka's book and be true to who she was. She stopped chasing after love and focused more on being the woman that she wanted to be.
Life was funny that way. As soon as she stopped running, love caught up to her.
Elza Gray
Makoto's love life began on the fast track. The champion Elza Gray recognized her as one of Haruka's friends. An hour later, she was losing her virginity in the women's locker-room. Elza was fast, focused and never settled for second best. Makoto happy there was someone out there not intimidated by her physicality. There was no shame in being a tall girl, or any kind of girl really, with Elza. The freedom and the thrill were a revelation. They met up a few more times, but the relationship lasted as long as the thrill of the chase.
Short and sweet. Wild and free. Makoto was glad that Elza happened.
Ami
If Elza Gray counts as her first, then Ami shouldn't even be on the list. Ami was something else altogether. She was that constant in Makoto's life. She was someone who understood Makoto as intimately as she knew herself, and smart enough to know more to boot. They'd fought together as Sailor Senshi, there were no tighter bonds then that.
Lightning and water. She was drawn to Ami like natural order. It felt like fate.
When the storms drove Ami to her front door. Makoto realized there was no turning her away. When Ami reached out to her, felt unable to resist. When Ami made love to her, well, she knew that this was her forever.
And when Ami left, she thought there was no way to move on.
Tomoko
There were others after Ami, mostly space fillers and flings. Nothing worth remembering.
Then Tomoko reappeared.
Tomoko was looking for new inspiration years after the success of "Pegasus in the Moonlight". Maybe she was looking for a new experience, or to rekindle an old spark. Maybe she thought that lightning could strike twice. Makoto didn't know. She never asked.
There was something about Tomoko that reminded her of Ami. The bookishness? The innocence maybe? The beautiful dreams?
She thought that was something she wanted to protect. If she didn't look too closely she could pretend that this made her happy.
Instead, every day felt worse and worse. Tomoko wasn't Ami. In fact, she couldn't really remember Ami. Did she really know Ami at all? Was Ami innocent? Did she have beautiful dreams? Makoto couldn't remember.
She was criticizing Tomoko for something or another when she realized that she actually hated her for not being Ami. She was so disgusted with herself that she could barely look in the mirror.
All she was doing now was corrupting someone else's dreams for her own selfish reasons. Tomoko deserved better. Makoto left the next day.
Tomoko's next book was a major success. Critics noted a certain change in style. Takase-sensei had matured they said. More cynical now, but insightful as ever.
The book was very popular. Everyone was talking about it - everyone except for Makoto.
Makoto couldn't bring herself to read a single word.
Unazuki
Unazuki was different. Simple really. Makpto was looking for something normal, Unazuki was normal - she had ordinary dreams and an ordinary life.
It simply worked. Wake up, open bakery, work, work work, close bakery, come home, talk about day, dinner, bed. The routine grew more satisfying every day that Makoto lived it.
But then Ami returned, and things became complicated.
Maybe they were just holding each other in a stalling pattern, each one afraid to be alone. Maybe their relationship was about as passionate as two strangers waiting for a bus together. Makoto wasn't sure, but Unazuki knew better.
She was packed and out of the house before Makoto even thought to mourn the end of that good, simple relationship.
Ami redux
Makoto held onto Ami's shockingly cold hand. She squeezed, silently begging her to wake up.
There was no response. Just a ping from some machine who did god-knows-what and a soft woosh from another.
Makoto hated all of it.
Hospital rooms have always made her uncomfortable. They felt like failure in general. Failure of the human body, or of some failure of karma with accidents. Worst of all was when it was one of her own lying in the hospital bed. Then it felt like she had failed to protect them, to take their pain like she had promised to do.
Makoto stopped that train of thought. She was more mature than that now. She knew she'd made plenty of mistakes in her life. There was no sense adding guilt for bad things that happened outside her control.
Ami had to wake up. There would be no closure for her otherwise. Elza, Tomoko, Unazuki. Every relationship she'd ever had. They all led to here. If Makoto believed in destiny, then she would believe Ami was the one.
The red string of fate.
Makoto traced the ropey red lines that ran down Ami's forearm. She didn't believe in fate. Looks like Ami didn't either. They were on their own.
Makoto's thoughts took a turn. On their own. She was on her own after her parents died. It took her years to find her footing again, and even then only with love and support from her friends. She'd learned to get over the fear that every time that someone went away, that would be the last time she'd ever see them. Usagi and the others had kindly indulged her occasional clinginess and over-protectiveness as she learned to accept that death was a natural part of life.
Ami fell apart after her mother's death. No one was there to help her deal. She'd pushed everyone away instead. Why did she try to do it alone?
Makoto frowned, considering everything she knew about Ami
…Ami was afraid that she'd burden people close to her?
Yes, she'd said it herself. She was afraid to she'd inevitably hurt the people she loved more than she was worth. Cold logic
Makoto cursed internally. Ami was wrong, but she was pretty much impossible to argue with. They would just have to show her that she was worthy of love. Usagi and the Senshi - love and friendship. That was their specialty. Makoto grew more hopeful then.
That was the closure she needed from Ami. For her to be ok. To accept having people in her life again. Ami deserved a second chance.
If only she'd wake up.
Makoto rubbed Ami's hand, trying to inject some warmth.
That was when she noticed.
Ami was squeezing back.
-End-
A.N. For reference, Elza Gray is the runner with the pure heart that introduced Haruka to Michiru in "The Bond of Destiny! the Distant Days of Uranus". I will always love her for that alone (oh, and the infamous Minako/Makoto butt pinch).
Tomoko Takase is the girl author from the anime episode "Makoto's Friendship! A Girl Who Adores Pegasus". It always bothered me how much she looked like Ami, and how uncharacteristically "tough love" Makoto was with her.
Unazuki is Motoki (Andrew in the dub)'s sister. She is always popping up in the background of the Senshi's lives. I had a "squee!" moment when I saw her chanting "Moon Cosmic Power" at the end of season SuperS. She even tried to kiss Mako once (albeit under the influence of losing her pure heart). She seems nice and shares some common interests with Mako. Glad she dumped Makoto when she realized she was still completely not over her ex. You go girl.