Tea
Warning: Read the end for a warning.
Rating: K? Slightly... gory.
Ships: Nothing serious, like, at all, but I suppose Spillow and AngelxDru and Bangel. Hints of Spuffy.
Complete. Oneshot.
AU. Post Chosen, Spike didn't die, totally warped time line. Although in the BTVS world it's post Chosen, in the Angel world, it's somewhere around early season 2, I think. I don't know, it makes no sense.
BEGIN.
Once upon a time, Spike was sitting in a chair. Then Buffy walked into the room. "Hi," she said. "Hi," Spike replied. Meanwhile, Angel was in LA and was in an exceptionally good mood. There were no demons to kill and Cordelia wasn't being irritating and Gunn was taking care of everything that needed to be taken care of and Wesley was serving him tea. "I'm so ha- ARGH!" Then Angel screamed and became Angellyus. OH NO!
"So, how are you?" Spike asked Buffy. "I'm fine," Buffy replied. "I'm so glad that that amulet didn't kill me," Spike remarked. "Me too," Buffy replied. Willow sat in her room in Cleveland, observing her awesome wallpaper. She decided to walk downstairs and visit Spike and Buffy. She walked down the stairs. "Hi Spike," she said. "Hi Buffy," she said. "I just felt a horrible feeling which could be because of my strange and inexplicable psychic connection to Angel," Buffy said. "I bet he turned evil," Spike said. "OH NO!" Buffy said. "Yes," Spike agreed.
Angellyus ran around killing people. First he killed Cordy. Then he killed Wesley. Then he tried to kill Gunn, but Gunn escaped because he's better at fighting than Cordy or Wesley. Anyway. He decided to go to Cleveland to wreak havoc on Buffy and Spike and Willow and Dru. Because Dru was in Cleveland. Yes. Well, he didn't want to wreak havoc on Dru. He just wanted her to become his associate. Yes. Vampire, killy associate. Dru and Angellyus indeed.
So Angellyus got on a Southwest plane which happened to be flying from LA to Cleveland in the middle of the night and arrived in Ohio. He found Dru hanging out in a crypt. "Hey Dru. I'm soulless again," he said. "Oh goody!" Dru replied. So they ran around killing MORE people.
Meanwhile Spike and Buffy and Willow were hanging out in the living room. "I hope that my psychic connection with Angel is fake and I'm really just crazy," said Buffy. "Me too," said Spike. "What?" asked Willow. "I don't know," replied Spike. "That was pointless," Buffy added. "Indeed," Spike and Willow agreed. Then Angellyus burst through the door and stood in the doorway. "Angel!" Buffy exclaimed. "You're safe!" She ran up and hugged him. Spike began to cry. Then Dru came up to the doorway. Spike began to cry harder. "Silly, silly, Angellyus is evil now," said Drusilly. Buffy gasped and stepped back. "I invite you in!" she said. "No wait!" she realized. "Bad!" said Willow. Angellyus and Druey ran in and started punching everyone.
Meanwhile, Giles was having tea.
Anyway, Angellyus and Druey were winning, because Spike and Buffy and Willow were unprepared. "Wait, we don't have a plan," Angellyus realized. "Okay, let's make one and watch duckies swim," said Druey, punching Willow. "Okay," agreed Angellyus. "Let's make Buffy a vampire." They tried but they couldn't do it because she was wearing a really heavy scarf that was tied really tight and they couldn't get it undone. Then Spike got really distraught and went behind a couch to cry. Willow came and patted him on the back, so only Buffy could fight Druey and Angellyus.
"OHMIGOD!" said Druey. "OHMIGOD!" said Buffy. They weren't sure why. Angellyus stared at them, then snatched that moment to grab Buffy and attempt to untie her scarf. Then he became vampy- yes, he hasn't been vampy this entire time- and tried to bite through it. Drusilly then opened the door and Angellyus ran through it so they kidnapped Buffy. Spike was crying.
Meanwhile, Giles was enjoying his tea.
Back at Buffy, Spike and Willow's, Spike was bawling. So Willow hugged him sympathetically. "Aww," said Spike. "Yes," replied Willow. They became spillowy, cause we planned that. Yep.
Meanwhile, Buffy was chained to a wall. They were still trying to get her scarf off. Angellyus had just found a knife and was starting to cut through it. IT WORKED! But he accidentally pushed too hard and cut Buffy's head off. "NOOOOOOO!" he screamed. And he became so sad that, amazingly enough, he got his soul back! So then he felt REALLY bad and killed himself. So then Dru was sad, and she killed HERself.
Spike and Willow cuddled.
Meanwhile, Giles finished his tea.
Then, a random vampire came into Dru's crypt and saw Buffy's dead decapitated head and body and two large piles of dust. "OHNO," he said, but then realized that he really didn't care. So he left.
Spike and Willow cuddled more, then Spike realized that Buffy was gone and began to cry. Willow was irritated and made hot chocolate. However, she couldn't find the little marshmallows so Spike got irritated. So they started to yell at each other.
Meanwhile, Giles got on a plane to Cleveland.
So the random vampire decided to dust up the crypt and make it his own. So he drank all the remaining blood from the top of Buffy's neck and the bottom of her head, then thought that that was gross so decided to get a soul so that he wouldn't do such nasty things. So he set off for Africa.
Willow and Spike made up, then began to drink their marshmallow-less hot chocolate. They turned on the TV and watched boring commercials. When they got bored of that, they cuddled some more, then realized that Buffy was really taking a long time and decided to go look for her.
The vampire went to Africa and completed the necessary trials, then got his soul. The big africa thing who gives souls and stuff also gave him a chip, to make up for not getting rid of Spike's chip. Yes.
Meanwhile, Giles arrived in Cleveland.
Willow and Spike got to Dru's crypt, then found a really ugly Buffy corpse thing, two piles of dust, and a broom in a corner. Then they both started to cry and left to go to LA. Who knows why.
The vampire returned to Cleveland, and was too guilty to go back to 'his' crypt. So he staked himself, because he felt so guilty, adding a third pile to the floor. Even though he wasn't even in the crypt. Perhaps the pile of dust had wings.
Meanwhile, Giles went to the crypt, saw Buffy's dead body, and was so distraught that he dusted himself because he was magical and could kill himself like a vampire.
Spike and Willow arrived in LA, only to see Cordy and Wesley were being evil and killing people. They consequently killed Spike and Willow-- they made Willow vampy, and got rid of Spikey's soul, so I suppose they didn't really kill Spike, but whatever, and they became the quadruplet. But in the end, they all accidentally staked themselves.
Meanwhile, Giles was accidentally reborn as a vampire.
A duck was born.
Meanwhile, Giles was having tea.
THE END
Author's Note: Indeed, this is a... what, a parody? An example of a horribly written fic, born from boredom in a Disneyland hotel. It's a joke, anyway, not to be taken seriously XD It was great fun. Please note, our writing skills aren't really dreadful.