Disclaimer: I do NOT own Bleach or any Bleach character.
Warnings: Yaoi (malexmale love); angst; graphic sexual references; m-preg; suicidal thoughts; strong language and torture (including non-con). In future chapter may contain a lot of abuse. You are warned!
Pairings: GrimmjowxKira; HisagixRenji; onesided- KiraxHisagi and possible mentioning of others.
Author's Notes: I decided to challenge myself and write the story genre I dislike the most – m-preg with a crack pairing which I usually don't go for (I like those who are closest to canon). But as a Kira fangirl I can't help but like the idea of him being with the sexy mancat himself Grimmjow. And let's face it, they make cute babies together. :D As for the m-preg, I never found one that satisfied me so why not stop whining about it and just write my own mpreg? :O
I apologize if this turns out to be crap. Please read the warning section and enjoy the story!
This was not beta-ed. I apologize for any mistakes.
Bliss
'Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.'
Oscar Wilde
The night was dazzling. The stars shining so bright in the sky, it hurt how beautiful it was. The immense dark night gave a feeling of pure loneliness. No matter what world, Human, Hueco Mundo or Soul Society, the sky at night was the same. Just like the lonely feeling. It was a constant in this life full of despair and sadness.
Kira wondered if he would ever stop feeling like this. Disliked, unstable, a burden, an ant. He was alone even when surrounded by others. He was alone even when his friends were with him. And he was alone when Hisagi Shuuhei was next to him, smiling at him.
The worst feeling of loneliness was when he wasn't physically lonely, no matter how strange that sounded. Kira was sure the others would only invite him to meetings as an act of pure politeness. No one in their perfect mind would like his company. He was boring... he became boring, anti-social, with no wish to speak to others. He had cut ties with many of his friends, and avoided them or any social event.
It was best being home, in his cozy room amongst his books and haiku notebooks, where he could bury himself in worlds of fantasy where there was no pain, no sadness and, momentarily, no loneliness. Going out only made him feel worse. The false smiles, the excessive drinking, the shallow conversations... Kira had no more mental strength for that.
Avoidant syndrome. That's what he was diagnosed with a few years back, when everyone was affected by the war. Although, he was sure it was simply a depression. Simply... maybe not so simply. The continual cold shoulder and fatigue, the lack of appetite borderline anorexia, the crying, the will to die. It was depression, and he knew that depression was aggressive like a famine Hollow. It attacked his soul, eating every bit of happiness and left nothing but the desire to disappear. He had no will to carry his own life, his duties and even deal with his friends.
Back then, after the Winter War, Kira's depression reached its peak, and it took a lot of time and a lot of pills to make him better. But now, almost 5 years later it was coming back. Slowly and gently like a slug crawling in his skin. All of that because Hisagi-san was going to get married with Abarai-kun.
Maybe it was because Kira was too stubborn to keep his silent broken heart or maybe it was because fate didn't want him to be happy, but whatever it was, Kira was sure it was his fault. He wasn't happy because he didn't deserve to be happy, and he didn't deserve to be happy, because he was no one.
No other soul would look at him twice, he was invisible and forgettable, except for Hisagi-san who never neglected him. And that hurt more than anything else. He wished Hisagi-san despised him, hated him, so he wouldn't suffer much more when they were together. He couldn't take Abarai-kun's place, no one could, but...
Maybe he was just meant to be a worm... a lonely worm that Hisagi-san cruelly took care of.
Cold wind blew, making the blond Fukutaichou shiver on the roof of his house. A night like this felt even lonelier when there was no warmth to hold on to.
Was Hisagi-san also cold? Probably not... he was likely in his warm bed with Abarai-kun's arms wrapped around him...
Kira held himself, he felt like crying, but he wouldn't. He was tired of crying, and his tear ducts dried a long time ago. There was no point of pitying himself when no one else cared.
So the plan was to laugh, he was going to laugh at their wedding, he was going to laugh when Hisagi-san kissed Abarai-kun, until he couldn't laugh anymore and his cheeks hurt from smiling so much.
He was going to live in this lie until it would become too much to handle, and when that happened he was going to leave this place for good.
Little did he knew that everything would get much worse in a way he never dreamed of.
Chapter 1 – The lonely ant and the god in blue.
Certain things simply didn't work out, no matter how hard a person tried. Trying meant failure and the more you tried the more you failed. And the more you failed the greater the pain grew.
It was best not to try at all. The first lesson in love, Kira Izuru learned.
"... and then Abarai kicked the guy's ass," Hisagi Shuuhei said as he walked with Kira the vast road to the First Division barracks.
"Wasn't that a bit too harsh?" Kira asked worried.
"Well, yeah, but it's not like the guy didn't know about Abarai and I."
Abarai and I. The worst sentence in the world. He was expecting to get used to it by now, five years had passed since his friends started dating, but he still felt that piercing slash inside his heart every time he heard that. He thought nothing could be worse than seeing those two together, but hearing Hisagi saying "us" or "Abarai and I" hurt as much.
It was never going to be "Kira and I".
At least, Hisagi had the decency of not using given names in public. Kira wasn't sure if he was going to react well to "Renji and I". Stupid names and stupid frail heart. This was how Kira was, a stupid person loving someone he would never have, because that person belonged to one of his closest friends. And for that reason he would never try anything.
At least Abarai wouldn't need to kick his ass...
"Have you heard about that rumor about an Arrancar joining the Gotei 13?" Hisagi asked changing the subject.
"Yes," Kira replied thankfully. He was too sick and tired to hear Hisagi's love stories.
"Some of the other Fukutaichous said the meeting is about that. Do you think it's true?"
"I hope not. The last thing we need is a Hollow as Shinigami," Kira replied bitterly.
"An Arrancar is not really a Hollow. I mean it is, but some people think they are like our Taichous. They have Hollow masks too, but that doesn't make them Hollows, right?"
"Our Taichous were Shinigami to begin with, they were never Hollow. An Arrancar is not a Shinigami and will never be. Just because they have a zanpakutou doesn't mean they can do what we do. Instead of training the Arrancar to become a Shinigami, he should be killed so its soul can be cleansed and sent here the natural way," Kira finished with a heavy sigh.
Hisagi stared at him for a moment.
"You're in a bad mood today," the brunet Fukutaichou said.
"I'm sorry, Hisagi-san. I'm just tired. I want to go home and sleep."
"You're not depressed again, are you?" Hisagi asked.
"What? No..."
"Look," Hisagi said stopping walking. "It's been a few years since... you know."
"I'm not depressed," Kira stated. Hisagi didn't seem to believe in him. "I'm just tired of walking around, I didn't sleep well so now I'm all drowsy."
"Okay."
"You don't have to worry about me."
"I won't," the brunet replied and smiled.
"And don't think too much about the Arrancar, it's probably a false rumor," Kira said as they entered the meeting room. "I doubt Soutaichou would agree with such a fool idea."
0000000000
"What do you mean a former Espada will be here?" Ise Nanao asked.
"Genryuusai-dono and Central 46 approved it this morning," Sasakibe spoke.
"This is absurd. Soi Fon-Taichou won't let that happen," Omaeda said adjusting his golden necklace.
"The Taichou meeting is happening in this very moment, they are choosing the Squad where the Espada will be."
"Is this really true, though? It's hard to believe Central 46 would accept this," Hisagi asked.
"It's true," Abarai spoke. "Ichigo and Urahara-san used their special influence and connections and asked permission from someone above Central 46."
"Someone above from Central 46... you mean..."
"Yup."
"But it's still dangerous, right? The Espada won't know about all the rules we have. Wouldn't it be wiser to go to the Shino Academy first?"
"He's been in the Human World for a couple of years now, Urahara-san has trained him, he's ready for this."
"Unohana-Taichou made a psychological exam on him and also approved him," Kotetsu explained.
"Isane, you saw the Espada?" Ise asked.
"Yes I did, he's... rather intimidating."
"Oh reaaaally? How is he? How is he?" Yachiru asked bouncing up and down. "Is he strong?"
"W-Well, I guess so. He was the former sixth Espada. And he looks strong too."
"Sixth?" the pink-haired girl asked thinking thoroughly.
"Yeah, Sexta Espada," Renji said.
"Have you met him?" Hisagi asked.
"Yeah, I killed one of his fraccion in the past," Abarai replied showing off.
"How is he?"
"He's a monster," everyone shut up looking at Kuchiki Rukia. "He's nothing but trouble. I usually trust Ichigo, but this time I don't know where he has his mind."
"Is he dangerous?"
"Yes, he is. He's reckless, and enjoys to fight. He likes violence and destroying things. He'll probably be part of the 11th Division!"
"Yay! Ken-chan will be so happy!" Yachiru laughed brightly.
"Actually," Sasakibe intervened. "According to Genryuusai-dono he will not be in the 1st, 2nd, 11th and 12th Squad."
"Eh? Why not?" Omaeda spoke shocked for hearing his Squad.
"Genryuusai-dono doesn't want to deal with him. The 2nd Squad is pretty exclusive, and will act as the containment Division if something goes wrong, the 11th can't be because we want to hold the Espada's strength, not the other way around, and the 12th it's for... the obvious reasons."
"Then where will he be?"
"I hope it's not mine," Kuchiki-Fukutaichou said.
"The Espada will be put in a Division where the Taichou can overpower him. Due to Ukitake-Taichou's health condition it's unlikely he'll part of the 13th Division," Sasakibe spoke.
"I hope it's not mine," Hinamori murmured slowly next to Kira. The blond Fukutaichou gave her a small assuring smile, but it was harder than it should. He didn't care about this Espada matter, he could only think about leaving the meeting. He was so tired, so full of these people. The more time he passed here and the more meetings he attended, the more he thought that this wasn't suited for him.
Would anyone care if he deserted?
Probably not.
The meeting continued with speculations about the Espada for half an hour, but still ended sooner than the Taichou meeting. Some of the Fukutaichous decided to wait for their Taichous, but Kira had a lot of work to do at the Third. It should be expected that Otoribashi-Taichou would be more responsible than Ichimaru Gin, right? Wrong. Otoribashi-Taichou was just as bad, if not worse sometimes. Because Ichimaru would leave Kira alone doing their work, while the current Captain was very clingy and asked the most ridiculous favors. And to not forget that dreadful guitar. At first it was nice, but hearing that noise all the time was just making Kira more depressed. Maybe that was what was triggering his depression again?
No, he was his own reason for his depression.
Kira was going to leave when he heard his name being called behind him. Hisagi-san jogged towards him.
"Wait, I need to talk you to you."
He couldn't say no, could he?
"What is it, Hisagi-san?"
The older Fukutaichou smiled sheepishly and looked around to see if anyone was nearby before speaking.
"I have something to ask you."
Kira was curious, there weren't many times when Hisagi asked for a favor, and he would gladly oblige anything that man wanted.
"Sure, what do you want?"
The brunet smiled, his eyes softening.
"You have always been by my side, and you always supported everything I did, so I think you are the most suited person for this. I want you to be my best man."
It was like hard rocks fell from the sky and smashed Kira weighting tons and tons. He hadn't wept when he heard about the wedding or when they decided to live together, but now... he felt like he just received a smack in the face and woke up the state of denial and numbness he was in. Hisagi-san wanted him to be his best man at his wedding with Kira's best friend. How cruel this world was.
Kira smiled. "Of course." His voice sounded so weak.
"Oh good! I was kind of afraid you wouldn't want it, because you don't like these type of things. Abarai also wanted you, so it was easy to pick you. The maid of honor will be Hinamori-kun. I hope Rangiku-san doesn't get mad about that."
"She won't, don't worry."
"I hope not," Hisagi said and laughed. Kira continued his forced smile, but he could feel it fading away.
"Well, I have to go now."
"Me too. Knowing Kuna, she probably destroyed half of the office already. Bye Kira, and thanks!" he said leaving.
Kira just stood there watching the other man's back walking away. Catching himself before breaking down in that spot, he walked to a small outer storage alley nearby, and he sobbed loudly. No crying, no tears, but his body trembled like he was, and his breathing became shallow. He wanted to cry, he really did, but how much pathetic could he become? Nevertheless his body reacted as if he was crying, and he could feel his voice dying to scream on his throat. He hated his life, he hated all of this. He hate it, he hated it, he hated it, he hated-
He suddenly stopped breathing when he noticed he wasn't alone. In front of him on the opposite wall, there was a man. How could he have not noticed before? Kira felt very stupid, not sensing him.
The man was tall and had bright blue hair. He had an eyebrow raised in a quizzical manner. But what surprised Kira the most wasn't that, but the fact there was remnants of a Hollow mask in the stranger's face. He was wearing a Shinigami shihakushou, but Kira had no doubts, this was the Espada everyone was talking about.
And now the Espada saw Kira's embarrassing behavior... It was official, Kira wanted to disappear from the surface of this world.
Luckily, the Espada would forget about Kira easily. There was nothing to remember about him, and let's be honest, who would care about him anyway? He was just some random guy having a crying fit. The Espada wouldn't recognize him again.
Kira composed himself and left without saying anything. This was awkward, and he didn't want to prolong it. The Espada didn't seem as scary as Kuchiki made him sound. Sure his size was intimating for someone smaller, and remnants of Hollow mask shaped like teeth weren't a good sign either, but he looked alright for an Arrancar... Whatever, Kira hoped never seeing him again.
He took his time going back to the Third barracks. He didn't want to work, and didn't want to see anyone. The one he loved the most was going be married with his best friend and wanted him to be the best man...
How long could Kira pretend he was alright with this? If he told Hisagi-san about his feelings, would he call off the wedding? Or end their friendship for good? He could try... but trying was the same as failing. There was no purpose for trying when he already knew the outcome.
Maybe he should take a vacation after the wedding. He was working so hard since the old betrayal, and he never had a vacation since Otoribashi-Taichou regained his position. Yes, that was what he needed, time away from the Third, from Hisagi and Abarai, from Seireitei, from this life. He needed to go back to his home and visit his parents' grave and spend some time away from everything negative in his life. Juts like Unohana-Taichou taught him so many years ago.
He wanted to go see Matsumoto. She was the only one who knew about his feelings for Hisagi-san, but she was in a patrol mission in Rukongai, it could take a day or a week for her to return. If she knew that he was the best man, she would hug him and pity him, making him drown in sake and then take care of him like the small creature he was...
But now he was alone, taking the longest path to the place he didn't want to go to work, and no one cared.
He had nothing to fight for and nothing to keep him contented and joyous. He definitely lost the battle he wasn't fighting for, and there was nothing to do about it. He couldn't even be properly sad, because it was wrong towards Abarai. He was the best friend and his role was to be happy for the couple, just like his role as best man...
The sight of the Third Division sign was already visible. Although, he didn't want to work, at least it would keep his mind from going to swamped places.
As he passed by the gates, he noticed something was going on. Almost every member of the Third was gathered outside. As he went closer, he could hear some excitement, and some discontentment as well. One of the members saw him and called him.
"Kira-Fukutaichou!"
That was when everybody noticed his presence. He was really like a shadow, wasn't he?
"What is going on?" he asked and the third seat Togakushi appeared next to him.
"Kira-Fukutaichou, Otoribashi-Taichou is asking for you."
"What's all this commotion about?"
"It's because of the new member, sir."
"New member?" And his answer was replied as he recognized the tall, blue-haired figure next to his Taichou.
"Oh Izuru! You're finally here!" His Taichou waved, but Kira was petrified looking at Espada who looked back at him and raised an eyebrow again, with the same quizzical look he had before.
"This is Grimmjow, and he's going to be part of the Third Division."
Kira's ears muted the sound of everything surrounding him, because the Espada seemed to recognize him and the grin that formed in his face was disgustingly threatening.
To be continued...
Reviews are welcomed!