It's cold outside.
This mentions and expands on my head-canon mentioned in Hands Free, but I don't think it's really necessary to have read that to read this.
Warning: Mentions of rape (not explicit), PTSD and mind control. Here there be angst. Also: swearing.
Tony completely ignored the 'stay away' vibes Clint was projecting and simply walked into his personal space and dropped down to sit beside him, pressing their shoulders together.
"Fuck off, Stark," Clint said, but there was no emotion in his voice. He was empty. Drained.
"No."
"I don't want to talk about stuff."
"Never said you had to. In fact, it's you who's been doing most of the talking so far."
Clint snorted and pulled the blanket tighter around his shoulders. He was at the very top of Stark tower, in a nest of blankets and pillows. From here, he could see most of the destruction that Loki had wrought.
That he'd wrought with Clint's help.
At first, Tony didn't say anything. He just watched Clint watch the world go by. But he'd come out here for a reason.
"When I was in Afghanistan, it was pretty bad. I mean, torture, bad living conditions, you know. But the worst part was the loss of control. I had to do what they wanted, or they would kill me." Tony's voice was level and quiet. Clint closed his eyes.
"It's not the same. You had control of your emotions, you could fight back. I took everything he gave me and wanted more."
"You fought back. You missed. Fury would be dead if you really hadn't been able to fight."
"I could fight for the first couple of minutes. After that, I was gone. And I was disappointed that I missed." He shook himself, and scowled at Tony. "I thought I said I didn't want to talk about it."
"Hey, you don't have to say anything at all."
They sat in silence, staring at the city.
"You can be a real dick, you know that?"Clint finally said, resigned.
"Yeah. I know." Tony knocked his shoulder companionably against Clint's, getting a small smile. "I know that it's different, but I do know what it's like to have your control taken from you."
"He made me like it." It was barely a whisper, but Tony caught it. He flinched.
"Yeah? Well I know something about that too." He took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. He wasn't sure he could do this. But Clint needed it. It was obvious the poor guy was suffering, and they'd saved the world together. They had a bond or something. "I haven't told anyone about this, and if you repeat one word of it, I will sabotage your bow."
"Okay..."
"I've been raped more than once." The way he said it was careless and light, but Clint could see how much it was costing him.
"I... I'm sorry. I didn't know."
"Of course you didn't know. No one knows. I didn't want anyone to know." He shrugged, smiling. "It isn't a big deal, I'm mostly over it. The first time was the worst."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, I was fifteen and he roofied me. He was a guy dear old Dad had fired. I was his revenge." He swallowed harshly, and then gave Clint his own words back. "He made me like it."
Clint shook his head, his hands shaking.
"Oh God."
"Yeah, I know. I know. I can promise it does get easier. Once you realise it wasn't your fault. There was nothing you did that made him choose you. You didn't enjoy it; he made you feel that way. You had no choice."
"He killed Phil. I helped him kill Phil."
"Coulson knew what he was getting into. Don't you dare cheapen his death by making it about you."
"What?"
"He's a hero who chose to stand up to a God. He gave his life to the cause, and you can't take that away from him." Tony scowled. "You...it's like you pour shit on his memory every time you take responsibility for his choice." They both winced at Tony's words;he hadn't meant to say that. Not so harsh.
"I..." Clint rubbed the back of his neck and pulled subtly away from Tony. "I hadn't thought about it like that."
Tony frowned at the resumed silence, and the distance Clint put between them. This conversation was stirring up a lot of stuff for him. He stood up and started walking towards the door to the elevator.
"You said more than once?" Clint called after him, freezing him in his tracks. He wasn't sure if Clint was really interested, or if he just wanted company for a little longer.
"I don't talk about this. You need to understand that."
"I do. But if you wanted..." Clint trailed off, rearranging his nest, fiddling with the corner of a pillow. Tony sighed and turned around, walking back to sit next to Clint again. He left several inches between them this time.
"There was a woman who kidnapped me. Wanted the genius' baby. I got away and she didn't get pregnant. She's in a secure ward of a mental hospital now. I visit her sometimes."
"That's messed up."
"Yeah, but who on this team isn't?" He smirked, and got one in return.
"Is that all, or are there other skeletons taking up space in your closet?" Clint had been half joking, ready for this conversation to be over, but Tony looked away and clenched his fists. This one was going to be bad.
"There was a guard in Afghanistan. He liked my mouth." Tony shrugged as though it was no big deal, but this one was the one that still hurt the worst. "But it was alright, it meant he gave me and Yi- I mean, he gave me the leeway I needed to make the Mark 1."
"Christ, Stark. You're like this massive untapped well of angst!"
"Says the guy who's curled up in a blankie on the roof!"
And that had Clint laughing, which was good enough for Tony. He grinned back, and stood up, this time holding out a hand to pull Clint to his feet.
"I guess I have been brooding a bit." He took Tony's hand and stood, following him to the stairwell.
"Hey, brooding is perfectly natural. But there's brooding, and then there's sulking. It's been three weeks. I don't expect you to get over it at once. But I do kind of expect you to try."
"It's hard."
"I know. But what would Agent say if he could see you sitting on a rooftop by yourself?"
"He'd probably threaten to tase me."
They both laughed, a little bittersweet, and came in out of the cold.