Star – crossed

After Ser Alrik died and I almost killed the innocent girl were it not for Hawke... I'd be long gone from Kirkwall. The most that hurt was the look on the elf's face. I wanted to change, but taking in a Fade spirit changed me entirely. I never should have let Justice merge with me. Now I am an abomination, just like Fenris said. To hear it from his tongue, almost spitting the words out, disgusted... I couldn't take it. I ran back to my clinic.

Darktown, Anders's clinic...

I knew it was a coward's way out. My entire life I was on the run – from Circle, Wardens... and now my feelings. My shaking couldn't be stopped. I almost killed an innocent because I am weak. I searched through the few things I had when I left the Wardens. "Keep... keep... trash, trash... won't be needing that anymore..." I mumbled, distracted. Justice alerted me that I wasn't alone. I didn't dare turn – for I knew it was Hawke, trying to persuade me to stay, that it wasn't my fault. She's a good woman, that Hawke. She and Warden Cousland are the only ones who saw in him something different than a mage... and a menace.

"Anders." The stern, unfriendly voice caused me to turn head abruptly. I expected Hawke, Varric... anyone but him. He was alone. "Where is Hawke?" I asked, cautiously. His eyes sharpened when I mentioned Hawke. "She is busy with cleaning up after your "Tranquil Solution" suicide mission. I don't know why I tagged along. I thought it was to keep an eye on you, but since you're a walking ticking bomb, you're too dangerous." He made a few steps forward and I knew what this meant- I am to be put down like a rabid dog. The irony of this situation. My staff wasn't far away, it was laying on an empty cot, where I left it when I rushed back to clinic. My gaze flickered from the elf to my staff. He caught glimpse of the staff and snorted, picking it up and throwing it in my face. "Fight me with all your might, abomination. I won't show mercy. Hawke is wrong about you. I won't let you endanger anyone."

Abomination. Apostate.

Monster.

That's all I was. Ever will be. Despite my attempts to change, I cannot change who I am. Why can't I change? If we must fight, then it can't be avoided. I tried so many, many countless times to persuade him of the injustice the Circle and Chantry poses on mages, just because we exist. We are tolerated, barely. We escape to live as we please and then we're hunted down just for wanting to be free like any other men. It't not right. Nothing is about this. Why should Fenris and I fight?

"Fenris. I won't fight you."

He was six feet away, glaring at me, his greatsword was still red from the blood when it cut down templars. He drew it, facing me. "Don't mock me. This isn't about your idealizm or my beliefs anymore. You cannot control that demon that you conveniently call a "spirit". Admit it, damned mage!" He growled at me.

I was at loss of words. I felt power surging from the depths. It was Justice... or better Vengeance. The blue cracks appeared. He was taking control over lately my body more often. I can't let Vengeance hurt Fenris. I knelt down and exhaled deeply several times, the spirit was subsiding back into the depths, where it belonged. I hardly got up on my two feet, stumbling a bit, but I regained my footing. "This is where you're wrong, Fenris. It's exactly about that. You still don't get it, do you?"

"What should I get, mage? That your defenses against that demon are pathetic, just as you are? You think that when you help few people in this rat hole, you're a saint? You do it for your vanity, mage. So that you can sleep better at night."

He was provoking me, I knew it. Did I really do it for that? Saving refugees, orphans, mothers and children, wounded laborers just so I could feel better? "I had to save them. No one else would in this Maker forsaken city."

Fenris scoffed, shifting his weight, circling around me. He was closing in, slowly but surely.

"I don't care for your reasoning nor for your mage's plight. Fight me and die with dignity."

I swirled the staff, the power imbuing me, bellowing. Why can't we see eye to eye? We're so alike. We both want our freedom. And I wanted something of him. Apparently, he still had no idea why I so firmly and constantly talked with him over mages, freedom and the Chantry abuse. It was no different than slavery in Tevinter.

He charged at me, with full force. I activated the spell I used scarcely – and had yet to use it on a living being. I only practiced it at Circle, when I was younger. But I remembered the process of incantation. The tip of staff hit the ground, releasing a soft greenish aura. Fenris wasn't looking what I was doing and that was his mistake. If he did, he could easily dodge the trap I laid out for him. He stepped into the Glyph of Paralysis, instantly rendering him motionless.

"What did you do to me, mage!" He snapped at me, rightfully so.

I approached him, taking in his facial expression filled with disgust and distrust and... betrayal.

"Don't toy with me. Kill me and be done with it. I knew Hawke should have never trusted you. A mage will always remain a mage." He snarled. My clumsy fingers cupped his face and he looked earnestly surprised by my action – or the touch. Maybe both.

"You don't get it. More than anything, except my freedom, I wanted your approval. I won't harm you. Or Hawke. Or anyone. It's a promise. Should I break it, you're free to strike me down. I'd welcome death at your blade sooner than a templar's."

His eyes widened.

I walked a few feet away from him, turning my back on him, then I hit the end of staff to the ground again, two times releasing him from the binding spell. He staggered towards me and halted in his tracks. Hesitation?

I stayed there, waiting for his sword or fist grabbing hold of my heart and ending my life. Painful long seconds passed. I didn't dare to turn and face him after that bold confession on my part. It was surely disgraceful for him to be loved by a mage. The very people that ruined his old life and forced this new existence on him. Then, he just up and left, leaving me standing in the dust, abandoned.

My knees buckled from the suppressed feelings that overwhelmed me at once. It was too much for me. I didn't move for several minutes, the heartache I felt was immense. Footsteps, Justice alerted me, stay sharp. I rose up and traipsed to the cot, where I put the staff on it, again. I massaged my temples, sighing. I was greeted by the sight of a worried woman strolling inside. "Anders, thank the Maker you're here. I wasn't sure I'd find you here... alive. I met Fenris on the way. He looked much more broody than ever. Did you two have a fight?"

I laughed nervously. "In a manner of speaking. What are you doing here, Hawke? Checking up on me if I didn't resort to suicide or maybe blood magic?"

She shook head, approaching me. She put a hand on my shoulder. "Anders, I know you won the battle with Justice. I called out to you, but it was you who stopped in the last second. Evil people don't think twice before murdering innocents. Don't dwell on it." She soothed me with her calming voice. But it wasn't enough. It's not her I wanted to say those words.

"Easier said than done, Hawke. When I see templars now, this hate bubbles up and I lose all my control, all my senses, only this blind rage and veangeance remain. I am not sure it's wise to socialize with me, Hawke. Ser Alrik was a fucking sadist that deserved to die, but I don't want to hurt anymore. If I hurt you or our friends – I ask that you kill me. If I cannot sustain full control of my body and mind, strike me down. Promise me, Hawke."

She didn't aswer, only pulled out a crumpled piece of paper from her pouch, giving it to me. "Maybe this will convince you that our cause is not lost yet and you will win our struggle." I took the paper, reading its contents. It was bearing the seals of grand cleric Elthina, Meredith and Divine herself. They all rejected Alrik's "Tranquil Solution." I was in awe from what I read. All three believed it to be inhuman to do it on all the mages in the world. My cause was still alive, as was I. I crumpled the note again. "Hawke. Thank you for showing me this. It means we still have a chance to change the world and the perception of mages by common people without magic. I will think on this." She smiled at me. "I won't abandon you, Anders. You're my friend. But you wish it wasn't me here with you, encouraging you, but him. Am I right?"

She found out. And I thought I hid it well. "Ah, don't worry. I won't tease you. But you're quite the masochist for choosing the broody elf. Why not... I don't know... Isabela or haha.. Maker's balls – Varric! You're best friends with him. Bianca would object... hmm. Point taken."

Hawke always found a way to get me feel worse and then better in one sentence. It was a talent of hers. Or effect she had on friends.

"At any rate... give him some time. Whatever you argued about, it must have been important. He'll come around eventually. And accept you."

I nodded. "Thank you. You're a wonderful friend. I appreciate your concern and good intented words."

She grinned. "Nah, you know me. I am keeping an eye on my team. And I cannot lose the team's only healer. It would be a pain to find another mage who could achieve such miracles with magic like you. I mean - who would up with all the shit and dismemberments? Oh wait. It's not Tuesday, it is?" She said another overused joke I heard many times in the camps we made in wilderness. Hawke turned on her heels, waving. "See you tomorrow, Anders. We're heading for the Bone Pit. The bastard Hubert wants me to investigate why the shipments stopped coming."

I cracked a smile finally, despite the slight fatigue that washed over me suddenly. I had to sit down.. and think about many things. Patients will come some time later this evening, I think. I had time to recuperate. "Right. See you, Hawke."

She was gone and I was alone with the thoughts and doubts in my head. Freedom, mage's rights... Fenris.

I shook my head as if I could make the useless thoughts go away like some nasty annoying flies, buzzing. It worked.

I went for the pestle and mortar. Elfroot was grated. Creating potions for my patients always had a calming effect on me. Added some water from the water supply crate Hawke brought fortnight ago. Now to another poultice. Before I knew it, the soft knocking on the door indicated my patients needed me.

"Come in."

The evening was gonna be long, but the night when I am alone will be restless.

I hoped that Hawke would have enough graces and brain not to take Fenris to Bone Pit tomorrow afer our little scuffle. But, as I knew her, it's exactly what she would do. I groaned, annoyed.

Andraste's flaming knickers, why did I agree to accompany her this time? She swayed me into agreeing.

The patients needed me. Time to put personal worries aside.

I was a healer now.