This random idea came to me literally because I found a hilarious bit of fanart on the internet, and I've decided to make a short story out of it.
I won't spoil it, because that would make it less funny (well, it's funny to me, anyway).
This may or may not end up being incredibly short, but I don't really wanna write too much for it anyway.
Oh yeah- since I like Tauriel as a friend for Legolas more than as a love interest (pretty sure everyone agrees that him and Gimli have the greatest bromance on the planet), she will apear in this. That's also because she was also in the fanart that I found, so naturally she needs to show up in this as well to make it funnier.
This will mainly be based on the movies, since I've only just finished reading the first book, and also because I'm never gonna be able to copy the dialogue-style that Tolkien used for the characters. The movies gave us a simpler but formal dialogue-style, which I can work with.
Probably.
I mean I can certainly try, but I'm more used to writing the sassiest of characters snarking to each other in modern English rather than writing sassy Elves saying 'fuck you' in Elvish.
I don't own Lord of The Rings, on with the show!
OOOOOO
There were several Kings in the land of Middle Earth- both old and new.
When a new King ascended to his throne, which did not happen very often, it was required of him to tour the various kingdoms of Middle Earth on a political journey, meeting and sharing with other Kings of other kingdoms.
The first kingdom to be visited would usually be that which is nearest to the kingdom which the new King now rules over.
Because that kingdom was Rohan, and Aragorn now ruled all of Gondor, the first part of his political tour of Middle Earth was to Rohan. He knew Eomer well, and also knew the land of Rohan well, so the visit was mainly just courtesy- and a friendly courtesy at that.
"I have some advice for your tour of Middle Earth, Aragorn." Eomer said, on the last night of Aragorn's visit.
"Advice?" Aragorn replied, interested. "What advice would you give me, friend?"
"Go to Mirkwood last." the King of Rohan bluntly told him.
Aragorn was startled. He could not think of any response to that blunt statement, and could only open his mouth in a failed attempt to speak. He decided against trying and instead waited for Eomer to explain.
"You will see when you get there." was all Eomer would tell him. "I ignored the advice of the other Kings and journeyed to Mirkwood when I was near to it, and I have regretted it for weeks, for it spoiled my enjoyment of the other visits I made after."
"Why do you speak ill of the Woodland Elves?" Aragorn wondered. "I have been there before, though I have never seen a political visit with my own eyes, and they are very welcoming to those they consider friends."
"You will see when you get there."
Aragorn still puzzled over the advice even as he left Rohan the next day, though he did heed Eomer's advice and plotted a course that would take him to Mirkwood last.
Perhaps he could have asked the other Kings what Eomer spoke of, but he found himself forgetting to do so during each visit- so much was each visit as enjoyable as the previous that he often forgot he was even on a political tour at times, though his Council were often quick to remind him when they thought he was beginning to grow too comfortable with his surroundings.
The course he had plotted took him all over Middle Earth, and one by one he visited each kingdom- including that of Rivendell, though Lord Elrond was a King in everything but name.
It was there that he did finally remember the cryptic warning that Eomer gave him, and so he asked for advice.
"What do you think he meant?" Aragorn asked his surrogate father.
He had no expected Elrond to know the answer, but to his surprise, the dark-haired Elf seemed to understand and had trouble keeping a straight face.
"Do as he says, my son, my King." Elrond near-chuckled. "For I fear that any other visits may pale in comparison to that which you recieve from Mirkwood."
"Eomer said that their kingdom would spoil my enjoyment of the other visits- I had thought this implied that theirs was the worst and would linger on my mind ceaselessly." Aragorn mused thoughtfully. "Is the opposite true instead?"
"You will see when you get there." Elrond explained cryptically.
That was all he was able to get out of his surrogate father, and any time he recalled soon enough to ask another King for advice, he only ever recieved the same answer.
Aragorn began to wonder whether or not all of them had somehow been in contact with each other and were being mysterious on purpose, to throw him off.
"Or perhaps they are remembering their own visits." his wife and Queen, Arwen, soothed him.
"Elrond spoke as if he knew what awaits during Mirkwood's visit. Was he present for one such visit?" Aragorn asked her, for she was Elrond's blood daughter and would know more about this than he.
"It was his own visit." Arwen explained, with a smile. "I was there- it is quite the spectacle, I assure you. Even the Dwarves cannot compare to what Mirkwood's political visit has to offer you."
"Then stop with the mysteries and explain what it is that awaits me!" Aragorn exclaimed.
But all Arwen did was shake her head and repeat the words he had heard before: "You will see when you get there."
As frustrated as he was with the other Kings and Lords he had visited, Aragorn could not find it in himself to become angry with his beloved wife- and so he agreed to wait as patiently as he could (which was not very patient at all) until he was in Mirkwood Forest.
And so Aragorn waited.
oooo
Finally, his tour of Middle Earth took him to Mirkwood, where he was greeted by the King of the Woodland Realm, Thranduil- who was also his friend Legolas's father.
Once again his political visit seemed more of a friendly courtesy visit, as he had indeed been to Mirkwood several times and, mainly through Legolas himself, knew much of how the kingdom worked and about the King himself.
On the first day, as soon as he arrived, Aragorn, Arwen and a select few of Aragorn's Council were led to the throne room of Thranduil's palace. It was a thing of beauty, though once more a sight he had seen before- if he had been advised to come to Mirkwood last for its beauty, then surely those advising him would recall he had been there before?
But perhaps they did not mean the beauty of the Mirkwood palace at all.
In the throne room, Thranduil was waiting to greet him, hands clasped behind his back and a stern but welcoming look upon his face. His son and Aragorn's friend Legolas stood behind and to his right, while his Captain of the Elven Guard Tauriel stood behind and to his left.
"Welcome, Aragorn son of Arathorn, King of Gondor. Welcome, Arwen daughter of Elrond, Queen of Gondor." Thranduil announced. "Welcome to the Woodland Realm, welcome to the kingdom of Mirkwood. I pray that your reign as King and Queen of Gondor will be long and peace between our two kingdoms will last."
Those were the traditional words which each King must speak upon greeting a newly-crowned King during his political visits, each one altered slightly for every different kingdom.
Aragorn had heard the words so often- or at the very least, all the variations- that he knew what to say if ever a new King ascended a throne and came to Gondor for his political tour of Middle Earth.
However, as Thranduil was speaking, Aragorn found it difficult to concentrate on the Elven King himself, and found his focus drawn to the two younger Elves standing behind him.
Legolas had pulled out a pair of antler-like twigs and was holding them up to his ears in a hilarious imitation of his father's crown and was imitating him further by pretending to speak along with his words, while Tauriel pulled various faces that made it difficult for Aragorn- and those in his company, including Arwen- to keep a straight face while in sight of the King of the Woodland Realm.
"I am King Thranduil, son of Oropher." Thranduil went on, completely oblivious to his son and Captain of Guard. He gestured to both in turn as he introduced them, but did not turn to look at them as he did so, which was very much for the best. "This is Legolas, my son and heir to the throne, and my Captain of Guard, Tauriel."
Even though he knew them already, it was still traditional to be introduced to any heirs and the Captain of Guard if the King had either. Since Mirkwood did not have a Queen and had not for several hundred years, Aragorn would only be introduced to those two.
"Greetings to all." Aragorn bowed briefly, tearing his eyes away from the performance of Legolas and Tauriel, and straightened up only to find himself having to forcefully hold back a bark of laughter as Tauriel began dancing around silently. "I come to you as King of Gondor, Aragorn son of Arathorn and husband of Arwen, and I also pray that peace shall last between our kingdoms."
Arwen spoke next, bowing as Aragorn did. "Greetings to all. I come to you as Queen of Gondor, daughter of Elrond and wife of Aragorn, and I also pray that peace shall last between our kingdoms." She also had to attempt to keep a straight face while watching Legolas and Tauriel, though she had seen this before and did a better job of it than Aragorn did.
Although, of course, concerning peace; it would occasionally be broken- wars did happen far too much and often began over far too little, but Aragorn was rather hopeful that after the War of the Ring, another war would not break out for the next several decades.
But he did not need to think of that now. For now was a time of peace and greetings, of sharing with King Thranduil and his heir.
And hopefully not bursting into laughter whenever Legolas and Tauriel carried out their show.
That, Aragorn feared, would be the most difficult part of his visit to Mirkwood Forest.
Now at least he understood why he had been advised to visit the Woodland Realm last- for it was not the beauty of the Forest which would make other visits seem dull and boring in comparison, not was it the horrid reception which Aragorn had misinterpreted from Eomer.
No indeed- it was neither of those.
The political visit to Mirkwood would make any other visit seem dull in comparison purely due to the combined efforts of both Legolas and Tauriel, who between them would test the self-control of each and every living creature who happened to be watching their performance, which became more effective when it was realised that Thranduil himself had no knowledge of what his son and Captain of Guard did behind his back.
Aragorn decided that, if and when a new King ascended to whichever throne of whichever kingdom, he would advise that King to make his political journey to Mirkwood last.
OOOOOO
I think I did pretty damn well, considering I've never written in this dialogue-style before in my life.
And I hope you guys found the Legolas and Tauriel bit as funny as I did, because you can actually probably imagine the two of them doing that behind Thranduil's back for the lulz.
Of course the entirety of Middle Earth knows about it, and of course Thranduil's the only bloke who knows a grand total of fuck all about it- because they're basically taking the piss out of him, and it's all hilarious and a bit of fun for an otherwise 'serious' (not in Aragorn's case, since he knows most of the people he's going to visit personally) tour of Middle Earth.
Read and review!