Holocene

by Duartay

"I don't want to say goodbye." "Then we won't." If only life was that simple. A melancholic oneshot I wrote in a night.

"I don't want to say goodbye!"

"Then we won't."

If only life was that simple. The three word response Asuka gave me the day she graduated still rings in my ear. It had been almost seven months since she walked off into the snowy Kyoto morning. I remember feeling the warmth of her smile as I opened
that notebook, seeing the title of the piece Asuka played, Hibike! Euphonium. Even now, it still sends a chill down my spine. Its warmth however, faded later that year.

The October air was particularly frigid that day. I felt uneasy, but I wasn't sure why. I rode the train with Reina, Midori, and Hazuki as I normally did, but something felt different. I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach. Reina seemed to notice my
discomfort.

"Are you ok?" she asked.

"I think so," I replied. "I just don't have a good feeling about today."

I decided to try and ignore it and go on with the day. Everything went normally, but I still felt weird. Hopefully band would make me feel better. As we'd hoped for, we got a sizable group of first-years. Unfortunately, no euphoniums joined, so it was
just Nozomi and I. Evidently, my concerned look was still plastered to my face, because Nozomi pointed it out as soon as she sat down.

"Are you sure you're alright Oumae-san? You look pale."

"I'm fine," I replied, perhaps a little more sharply than I'd intended.

Yuko suddenly appeared behind us.

"Nozomi, Taki-sensei wants to see us in his office. It's urgent."

Nozomi stood up and walked out of the room with Yuko. The knot in my stomach seemed to tighten. I waited for a few anxious moments before Nozomi returned alone a few minutes later. She walked up and stood on the podium.

"Everyone. Rehearsal is cancelled today. Taki-sensei had a personal matter to deal with. We'll reconvene tomorrow."

She looked directly at me and motioned for me to follow her. Reina said she'd take care of my euphonium. Nozomi led me to an empty classroom out of earshot of anyone else.

"Oumae-san..." She hesitated, trying to think of how to word what she had to say. "Asuka-senpai passed away yesterday." I could feel the blood drain from my face.

"W-wh-what do you mean?" My eyes werebeginning to well up.

"Apparently, Asuka-senpai had..." she grabbed the bridge of her nose, fighting back tears. "She'd been battling cancer. She was diagnosed just before Nationals."

There was nothing left to stop me. I began to cry harder than had in a very long time. Nozomi immediately wrapped her arms around me and cried with me. It was another 20 minutes until we'd collected ourselves. The two of us sat in the classroom for
another 10 minutes. I texted Reina and the others to let them know that I would be here a while.

Nozomi and I were the only ones left, so we locked up the band room and returned to the teacher's offices. Taki-sensei was still at his desk. It was obvious that this had hit him quite hard.

I handed him the key. He looked at Nozomi and I with a melancholic expression on his face. Words weren't needed in that moment. We knew exactly what the other was thinking.

I went home and cried all night, the final exchange Asuka and I had ringing in my head.

"I don't want to say goodbye!"

"Then we won't."

The tears stung my face.

"See you,"

That last part nearly killed me to think about. She said it so nonchalantly, as if it was a given that we would see each other again.

The funeral was a few days later. Everyone from last year's band was there. Most of us were still in shock. We all knew that Asuka was a fighter, but knowing that she played her final concert not long after being diagnosed with cancer was something that seemed beyond what any person should have been capable of doing.

Her father was there. He thanked Taki-sensei for being her advisor. He also thanked me for standing by her side. Evidently, she'd mentioned me quite a lot in her last few months. Knowing thatbrought the smallest of smiles to my face.

I got home afterwards, changed and laid down on my bed. About an hour later, my mother knocked on my door. She said I had a package that came in the mail. There was a letter and a large box. I looked at the envelope and immediately recognized the handwriting. Carefully opening the envelope, I slowly opened the letter, not knowing what to expect.

It was from Asuka, addressed just four days before she died.

Dear Kumiko,

By the time you get this, I'll probably be gone. I'm sorry I never told you, or anyone else for that matter, about what was going on with me. I don't deal well with the outbursts of emotion people give you after bad news.

It's part of the reason I was so cold to you on Graduation Day. I knew what you were trying to say, but I just couldn't listen. It was nothing against you, but as I'd mentioned, I kind of suck with this kind of stuff. In a way, I was kind of afraid of what you were going to say. You were the only person who'd ever managed to break thefacade I always put on.

I always knew there was something special about you from the moment I met you. You had such a unique charm that just melted any defenses I had. I tried for so long to keep my walls up, but that day during lunch, when you finally called B.S on my reasons for avoiding the problems I had, was the day that I knew no amount of snark was going to keep you away.

That's why I laughed when you said you'd hated me. I already knew that. I was caught off guard when you said that you loved me though. I knew that you didn't hate me anymore, but I didn't expect it to go that far. Whether that was meant to be romantic or platonic, I really didn't care. To know that you loved me brought lightto me in my darkest hour.

The day before Graduation, I found out my cancer was terminal. I put up more of a facade that day then I ever had in my life. It's why I wanted to leave as soon as possible. I was simply going to go home and cry myself to sleep the way I'd been doing for a long time. You somehow managed to brighten my day just by being you.

I gave you my father's notebook because you'd get far more use out of it now. It helped me navigate the same complicated high school crap you're going to deal with. Here will always be drama, conflict, and stress in band. It just comes with the territory. But if you face it with a grin, you'll power through it. You're especially good at that.

If I had one regret, of which I'll admit I have many, it would be that I never properly told you how I felt about you. When I first met you, I knew you were a Euphonium. Is just in your personality. I saw potential in you, not only as a member of the band, but also as someone I could get to blossom. Whether you'll ever admit it or not, some of the things I said that day during lunch were right. At the beginning of the year, you'd never poke or prod, even though you always wanted to be in the center of the action. I saw a lot of my younger self in you.

As time went on, you began to shed that insecurity and became bolder. Your playing improved far faster than I'd ever expected. You had developed maturity in your music and in how you interacted with the world around you. I opened up to you towards the end because I felt like you had the emotional depth to understand how complex the people of the concert band were.

I realize I'm just talking out of my ass like I always do, so I'll just say it. I love you too, Kumiko. I love you. In what way, I'm not quite sure, but I now for sure that I love you. You're the most amazing person I ever had the privilege to know. You made my worstdays bearable and my best days all the more special.

I really hope there's some sort of afterlife, because I really want to see you again someday. I want to ruffle your hair again, hug you again, talk to you again, laugh with you again. My whole existence changed when you came into my lifeand forthat, I thank you. I'm eternally grateful for your friendship, your kindness, your compassion.

I've left you some things of mine. Be sure to take good care of them. They got me through some tough times and I know they'll do the same for you.

Take care my little Eupho.

Love,

Asuka

I pressed the letter to my chest, tears flowing from my face. I don't know how long itwas before I finally made my way over to the box. It was a wooden crate, about a meter high and half a meter wide. I opened the top and peeked inside. On top of a piece of plywood, wrapped in bubble wrap were some CDs. Some were euphonium CDs and some were of various bands. There were books and sketch pads, as well as folders full of sheet music.

I began to sort everything out. One of the CDs caught my attention.I checked the side to see what it was.

Asuka's Mix

I'd never heard what Asuka's tastes in music werebut I was nonetheless intrigued. I looked at the track listings, which were all in English. One songwas underlined. One Asuka had picked as special. It was thevery
first track, Holocene by Bon Iver. I'd never heard it, so I popped the disk into my CD player and hit play.

A light guitar riff opened and after a few seconds, a man sang in falsetto.

Someway, baby, it's part of me, apart from me
You're laying waste to Halloween
You fucked it friend, it's on its head, it struck the street
You're in Milwaukee, off your feet

And at once I knew I was not magnificent
Strayed above the highway aisle
Jagged vacance, thick with ice
And I could see for miles, miles, miles

Third and Lake it burnt away, the hallway
Was where we learned to celebrate
Automatic bought the years you'd talk for me
That night you played me 'Lip Parade'
Not the needle, nor the thread, the lost decree
Saying nothing, that's enough for me

And at once I knew I was not magnificent
Huddled far from the highway aisle
Jagged vacance, thick with ice
And I could see for miles, miles, miles

Christmas night, it clutched the light, the hallow bright
Above my brother, I and tangled spines
We smoked the screen to make it what it was to be
Now to know it in my memory

And at once I knew I was not magnificent
High above the highway aisle
Jagged vacance, thick with ice
But I could see for miles, miles, miles

The longer the song went on, the more the weight of the lyrics set in. One in particular stood out to me.

And at once I knew I was not magnificent

That's the thing though. Asuka was magnificent, even if she never accepted it. I wondered if there was anything else in the box. There must be something under that plywood, or else it would just be a waste of a box.

I removed the plywood and my heart skipped a beat. There, in a sea of packing peanuts, sat a plastic case. She didn't. Did she? I placed the case on my bed, unlatched it and opened the lid. I couldn't help but gasp. Sitting neatly in the case, was a silver euphonium. Asuka's euphonium.

I was hesitant to touch, as if I thought I would beawakenedfrom whatever nightmare I was in. The metal was cold to the touch. I could see my reflection, distorted by the curvature of the instrument. I curled up in my bed, crying as I cradled the case. The song on the mix changed to a song I knew, Drugs Don't Work by The Verve. I listened to the lyrics as I drifted off to sleep.

All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm comin' down

And I hope you're thinking of me
As you lay down on your side
Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

But I know I'm on a losing streak
'Cause I passed down my old street
And if you wanna show, then just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

'Cause baby, ooo, if heaven falls, I'm coming, too
Just like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead

All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm comin' down

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

'Cause baby, ooo, if heaven falls, I'm coming, too
Just like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead

But if you wanna show, just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again

I hope I do see your face again, Asuka. I still love you. Thank you. Thank you for everything.