"CAITLIN AND JO'S COMBINED CHRISTMAS PRESENT OF DOOM. . . that is very, very, very late.
.. Yeahr.
This is a crack-fic written for my friends. Please do not read this for DGM. Though the characters appear this is not all about them... exactly. Um. I guess it's not from their POV, ne? Read it if you don't mind Ocs, questioning of natural and scientific laws and sure as hell 'What the fuck was this bitch on?'-ness. Oh. And there's swearing in it. ^_^; Just in case you didn't know. And Oprah & Lenalee bashing.
Rated: MA15+
Jo – MangaCrazy101
Kate – DoubleOh.
Sharnie – AustralianGypsy (Myself)
Well I was stuck wondering what to write for this. And realised no more slash as you two don't like it any more. SO not cool. Was talking to Meg and Jo on msn and suddenly it hit me! A quest! A freakin', flippin' quest! So without further ado;
THE STORY OF THE QUEST TO DISCOVER WHY ALLEN, LAVI AND KANDA ARE SO SEXY AND ALL THAT HAPPENS ON AND BEFORE IT!"
Introduction written 9/1/2011
UPDATE April 2012: Um. Woah. This is late. Hopefully I'll finish this tonight and post it! Sorry it's been over a year since I started to write this for you two girls and dear God, how our interests/obsessions have changed. Um. I'm reworking this and adding a little more spice (Harry Potter goodness). - Shar.
x-x-x-x-x
Inside the dark gloom of a brunette teenager's emo corner sat said brunette and her two close friends: Jo and Kate. The three girls were sprawled across a red lounge doing things on their laptops. The eldest, Jo, was role-playing on her favourite role-play site KHInsider; The middle one, Sharnie, was reading Harry Potter slash fanfictions; And the youngest, Kate, was chatting to another friend called Emily on msn.
"Dudes." Kate said randomly looking up from her laptop. "Why on earth are Lavi, Allen, and Kanda so freaking sexy?"
Sharnie stopped reading and looked up curiously. "What?"
"Why are Allen, Kanda and Lavi so damn sexy? I mean, it's kinda weird for there to be that many hot bishonen in one manga, don't ya think?" Kate said with perplexed look.
"You have a point!" said Jo tapping a finger to her chin before going back to typing her reply in her current role-play, "Maybe it's because the manga-ka is a girl?"
Sharnie shrugged and said, "I dunno. They just always have been. I suppose it could be because she's a girl... but there's probably a really more interesting reason."
"I'm bored." Kate said randomly.
"Me too~" Sharnie whined with a huff. "Oh oh! We should go on a quest!"
"A quest?" Kate asked with an eyebrow raised. The last time she'd agreed to go anywhere with the other teen, they had gone off to scare some old people. She was still scarred. No. Not scared like 'BOO'! Scarred like 'emotionally screwed'. Old people were pretty freaking scary! Kate mentally shrugged. What the hell. "HECK YEAH! Let's do it!"
"What's the quest for, Shar?" Jo asked suspiciously. It was clear to all three that the elder and younger did not trust their friend; a fair call.
"To answer Kate's question!" She said with a laugh, throwing a 'duh' look at Jo.
"Seriously?" Kate asked looking at the usually hyper teen.
"Siriusly! Let us go-"
"Um guys?" Jo interrupted Sharnie who started pouting. "I don't think I can go-"
"NA-AH! No WAY!" Kate said with a hand on her hip. "You are NOT bailing out on us!"
"But it's not that I don't want to! It's just, my Mum wants me to clean my room and-"
"WHAT?" Sharnie cried horrified. "That would be like someone asking me to clean my cupboard!"
All three teens sported a look of horror. Sharnie's room was always rather clean but her cupboard! Dear God. Let's not go there.
"Surely Jo's room isn't as bad!" Kate said horrified. She'd never seen either girls' mentioned messy places but that particular wardrobe was rather infamous. Many a bishonen character had been kidnapped and left in that cupboard … and none that escaped would ever speak of the horrors they'd found in there. Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy still break down crying when asked.
"Ah. No. It's not. It's worse!" Sharnie said with fear.
Jo sighed and said, "It's not THAT bad... really!"
"Uh-huh."
"Well," Kate said looking at both girls. "I guess we need to help Jo clean her room so we can go on this mission."
The two elder girls shivered slightly and Kate began to wonder if after entering Jo's room, they'd actually survive long enough to clean it let alone begin their adventure.
x-x-x-x-x
The three teenagers stood out the front of a purple door bracing themselves for what was going to happen next.
"So. We're attempting to tackle Jo's room with nothing but a keyblade, a shovel and a pair of chopsticks?" Kate frowned. "Nice."
"Fucking A." Sharnie mumbled.
"Fucking A?" Jo asked.
"Don't ask."
"Well I suppose we better get this over and done with." Kate said not too worried as she began to open the door.
The three girls walked inside quietly raising their weapons.
"Dude. It's not THAT bad." Kate said confidently before a pile of clothes moved towards her and swallowed her whole.
"Well fuck." Sharnie said staring at the clothes while the sleeve of a jumper rubbed its... belly? She turned and looked at Jo who's face was a little green. "I just hope there was no dirty underwear in that pile."
Jo looked at the Sirius teen and raised an eyebrow. "I'm not that bad."
"Could of fooled me. I mean, a pile of your dirty washing just ate Kate!"
"Well! How was /I/ meant to know it would do that?"
"It's your room!"
"So! You know I've been sleeping in my clean room in our house in your emo corner for a year now!"
"Who knew that we could fit a whole house in my emo corner?"
"So true. I mean, it's a corner. Yet you manage to fit a mushroom farm, that castle you used in the war against Tom for the spatula, our house and that random red couch in it . . ."
"And that cruise ship. Don't forget that."
Jo and Sharnie looked at each other.
"I suppose we have to save her right?" Sharnie said.
"Either that or our butts will be in a lot of pain when she escapes."
"True."
They turn to the pile of clothes that had swallowed their friend.
"So. How are we gonna get her out?" Sharnie asked staring at the clothes that was still rubbing its, um, belly. "And all without being swallowed ourselves and or killing her?"
"I have no clue." Jo said horrified by the weird apparel.
"OH! OH! I know! We could drop a huge bar of soap on it!"
"Which would squash Kate, baka!"
"Oh."
Jo rolled her eyes. "We could sprinkle laundry powder to make it sneeze and spit her out?"
Sharnie looked at Jo amazed before replying;
"T-that's a brilliant idea - if it works! But where are we gonna find laundry powder?"
"In the laundry?" Jo asked with a deadpan expression.
"Oh.. heh. Right." Sharnie continued to stare at the clothes pile that looked ready to claim another victim, with her chop sticks raised. "You might want to go get the powder now."
Jo bolted out of the room and down the hall to find the said powder.
Meanwhile...
Kate stared around her. The walls of clothes held her still. She sat in the middle of a hollow area inside the pile of clothes, on top of a jumper and a pair of skinnies. Kate sighed, annoyed, and wished she hadn't dropped her shovel back outside. She looked around her surroundings, checking for anything to use to escape, when she noticed a random pair of socks just sitting there. They couldn't help her, she thought, dismissing the idea.
She got up and started walking around the small area looking at the walls. The pile of clothes seriously didn't look this big from the outside, she grumbled. Kate turned back to where she was sitting and noticed the pair of socks had gotten closer. She blinked, thinking it was her imagination and turned back to looking at the walls for a thin patch or something so she could get out. She noticed that one spot, where a Kingdom Hearts shirt was stuck to the wall, looked promising but as she turned around she noticed the socks really were getting closer! She felt a bit nervous.
Her eyes flickered from the socks to the shirt as she mentally prepared herself for a mad dash for freedom, but as she started running, the socks zoomed towards her and attacked.
Back outside...
"Jo! Hurry up!" Sharnie called down the hallway from the door as she noticed the creature move in such a way that reminded her of someone cracking their knuckles and neck in preparation.
"I'm coming!" Jo yelled as she ran towards the door with a big box of laundry powder. Sharnie nearly laughed at the size of the box until she remembered how big the clothing monster was and that yes, they'd need a bit.
"So, er... how are we gonna get close enough to throw some at its um.. nose. Speaking of which where IS its nose?"
"Well." Jo looked at her friend and then to the thing made of her clothes. "I have no idea. Maybe we could just chuck all the powder at it?"
"Might work." Sharnie conceded. "But someone still has to get closer to that thing to poor the stuff on it!"
"Oh."
"SCISSORS, PAPER, ROCK!" Both girls yelled suddenly.
"YOSH! I win!" Sharnie yelled, smiling. She turned and looked at the clothes monster, patting Jo on the shoulder. "Go get 'em tiger!"
Jo sighed and slowly inched towards the thing. "I hate you."
Sharnie just snickered and stood by the door, watching her friend getting closer towards the thing.
Jo was now a few feet away, the creature still not paying attention to its impending doom. Both girls smiled. Jo slowly opened the box of washing powder and quietly got ready to empty its contents all over the clothes. She crept the last few inches closer and BAM! She poured the powder all over the creature. It covered the clothes monster and the two girls stood breath held. It didn't sneeze. Kate didn't come out. Jo had just pissed it off.
The clothes thing turned its... um... head to the side and stared at Jo before it opened its mouth and swallowed her whole.
"Well fuck."
Meanwhile...
Kate was yelling as the socks were wrapped around her legs tightly. The freakin' things wouldn't let go!
"Oof!" Kate grunted as something fell on top of her. She wriggled her way out from underneath and turned to find... Jo!
"DUDE!" Kate yelled looking at Jo, the socks forgotten as they laid squished to the side. "It ate you too?"
Jo looked up at Kate dizzily and nodded before quickly explaining the failed plan.
"So this means we have to rely on Sharnie to save us?"
Jo paled. "Y-yeah."
"God save us."
Back outside... again...
Sharnie was sitting daintily at a table sipping Fanta from a tea cup, while the clothes monster sat opposite of her with its own cup. And yes, they both had their pinkies sticking out.
"Socky-chan~" She called to the thing. "I don't suppose you could spit my friends out? They owe me money and it is awful lonely without them."
The monster looked at the brunette and growled before spitting the other two girls out onto the carpet.
"GROSS!" Kate yelled annoyed. "That clothing monster just hacked us up!"
Jo shuddered and helped Kate to her feet before they both turned around and noticed Sharnie and 'Socky-chan' quietly sipping their cups of Fanta.
Kate's eye twitched and she grabbed her forgotten shovel and belted the monster over it's head, reducing the thing to a normal pile of dirty clothes. She then turned to Jo and said, "Dude. You need to clean your room more often."
After that, the three girls managed to clean the room up quickly.
"Phew!" Sharnie sighed rubbing imaginary sweat from her brow. "We're finally done!"
Jo looked around blinking. Her room was spotless. It was amazing!
Kate snickered and looked at the middle girl. "Not much thanks to you, Shar! You spent most of the time fiddling with the stove outside in the kitchen making pasta!"
"What?" Said girl asked through a mouthful of said food.
The other two just laughed.
And so the quest finally began!
x-x-x-x-x
"Okay . . . So how are we going to find out why three particular guys are sexy, all the way up here on a mountain?"
"Because according to Komui," Sharnie said with a smile. "At the top of the mountain are some people who might be able to help us on our quest."
"And you believed that sister-complex?" Kate asked in disbelief.
"Well DUH! Of course! Him and I were in his lab mixing up a new concoction when I mentioned it-"
"But you were with us the whole time since I thought of the question!" Kate said confused.
"Just don't question it." Jo said. Nearly anything was possible when it came to the twisted teen that Jo and Kate called their friend.
"Ahem." Sharnie coughed, interrupted their eye-twitching. "As I was saying, when I mentioned it to Komui, he said we'd be able to find some people on this mountain who could help us!"
"Uh-huh." Jo said with an eyebrow cocked.
Sharnie poked her tongue out childishly before beginning the trek up the mountain. Jo and Kate shrugged before following the anti-social teen.
Twenty minutes or so passed as the girls climbed up a winding road that was long but thankfully not steep. Time had gone by relatively quickly for the girls as they discussed the person... well, creature, that was at the top of their 'To Kill or Permanently & Horrifically Maim' list: The Typo Fairy. She was an obnoxiously annoying little fairy that liked to prey on people during msn conversations and sprinkle her magical typo dust on people so they'd spell easy words they knew how to spell, wrong. She often frequented the girls' msn chats and scrambled the spelling of their words.
"But seriously!" Kate growled annoyed. "If I ever come across the little munch I'll cut off her wings and stuff them down her throat!"
"With tomatoes." Sharnie added with a shudder. Those little red, not-vegetable-fruits were her arch enemy.
Jo just laughed at the pair. "Maybe do to her like what that chick did with the fire extinguisher to that guy in 'Autopsy'."
Sharnie paled and Kate blinked.
"What did she do?" She asked confused.
"She smashed it into the guy's face so much his skull caved in completely; it looked like when a football is really deflated and you step on it."
Kate paled a little too and turned to look at Jo. "That's just a little bit gory~"
"OH MY GOSH! Who are you and what have you done to my Jo?" Sharnie yelled dramatically pointing a figure at Jo.
Said girl dead panned and hit her friend up the side of the head. "I'm allowed to suggest gory things too, you know!"
"Objection!" Sharnie yelled, once again pointing at Jo dramatically.
The two girls stared at her blankly and confused, so she just sighed and let the 'Ace Attorney' reference slide unnoticed.
x-x-x-x-x
By the time the three girls had trekked all the way up the top of the mountain it was cliché-ly night time.
"Nobody packed a tent, did they?" Jo asked with a sigh as she shivered in the breeze that picked up.
"We were meant to?" Sharnie asked confused.
"Well duh!" Jo said exasperatedly.
"Well how was I meant to know that! I mean, every time we go somewhere in these stupid stories time is not existent! It's ALWAYS sunny and day time! Even if it takes a zillion hours it's still the same day!"
Kate stood to the side watching the two bicker about time. She herself had actually packed a tent, and knowing full well the other two would forget, she'd brought a big one. She was gonna tell the girls' but she found it more entertaining to watch them argue.
After a while the arguing ended with Sharnie sitting in her emo corner and Jo glaring holes in a tree. Kate blinked. Sharnie's emo corner was a weird thing that defied all laws (nature, science, moral and legal) with it's very existence. It was huge! Fitting a mushroom farm, cruise ship, house and a red couch inside it but only took up a small corner. It was actually back where they had been earlier which none of the girls knew exactly where – perhaps somewhere in the middle of the realms of reality, imagination and msn chats – yet was actually inside Sharnie's mind she claimed, yet it was also right here on the mountain. Weird. Kate liked the emo corner anyway. There were 'Linkin Park' and 'Three Days Grace' CDs in there!
"Um.. guys?" The elder teens' heads snapped in her direction. She smiled. "I have a tent, and smoke is coming from over there which means there is a camp fire which means the people we were looking for."
They blinked. Then Sharnie glomped Kate.
"I AM A CACTUS GODDAMNIT! YOU CANNOT TOUCH ME!" She screamed making an 'x' with her arms. Sharnie shrugged and continued to hug the poor girl. Jo just laughed before kicking Sharnie off and walking towards the smoke with Kate.
Sharnie let out a yell and ran after the other girls. Like hell she was gonna get left behind surrounded by plants!
Kate snickered and Jo laughed as she caught up with them in time to walk through the bushes and into a camp fire. A sword was pressed to Kate's neck before she could say 'boo'. Everyone froze before the girls looked up and noticed Kanda.
"Yo~" Kate said nervously to the PMS-ing samurai-wanna-be. Kanda looked at her and mumbled a 'che' before going back to his place at the fire.
"So this is who is going to help us on our quest?" Jo whisper yelled to Sharnie and Kate.
"Yep!" Sharnie grinned.
"I guess." Kate replied, quietly fingering her neck.
Jo sighed and the three girls made their way towards the camp fire. Sharnie unceremoniously dropping down across from Kanda. Kate went to follow before she looked around.
"Where's Allen and Lavi?" She asked curiously. "Because I assume they are the other two with you."
Kanda 'che'd but pointed in a direction. "Go find them. Food is cooked."
Jo and Kate blinked before getting up and walking towards where the boys supposedly were. Jo turned around though when she realised Sharnie wasn't following them.
"Aren't you coming?" She asked puzzled.
"Hell no!" Sharnie said with a frown. "There be plants of all sorts out there and it's dark and cold and I lost my chopsticks a while back."
"I still think it's weird you're afraid of carnivorous plants." She said with a deadpan expression.
"So! You and Kate have weird phobias too!"
"But not as strange as yours." Kate said with a laugh. "But I suppose mine and Jo's aren't the most common either."
Sharnie mumbled and turned her head. Kanda raised an eyebrow.
"Carnivorous plants?" He asked amused.
"Shut up! Venus fly traps and the likes scare me! It's not my fault when I was younger my older cousin made me watch a gory movie about a Venus fly trap that ate all these people this guy dismembered for it while singing!"
Kanda blinked and the other two girls went off to find the boys.
"What the hell kind of movie is that?" He ask with a weirded out expression.
"One that gave me nightmares for three years." She said with a shiver and wide eyes.
x-x-x-x-x
Jo and Kate walked in silence towards the direction Kanda had pointed in. Kate was mentally debating with herself if death by shovel or defenestration was best while Jo was thinking about boy trouble back home.
"Hey Kate." Jo asked randomly, breaking the silence.
"Yeah?"
"How far do you think they are?"
"I have no clue." But just as she said that, she heard talking. "Ah! They're through the bushes."
Jo smiled and the two girls walked through.
"Allen! Lavi- OH MY GOD! WHAT THE MOFO?"
Meanwhile, back at the camp site.
"OH MY GOD! WHAT THE MOFO!"
Sharnie looked up. "That was Jo." She looked at Kanda who was smirking.
"They're bathing, aren't they?" Sharnie asked with a giggle to which Kanda smirked in reply. "Niiiiiice."
Kanda shrugged and leaned back against a tree, polishing Mugen even though it made no difference to the Innocence.
And back with Kate and Jo, Kate yelped in panic.
"What the hell?" she yelled looking at the two, bathing in the pond.
Allen yelped and sat down in the water to cover himself. Jo blushed and mumbled 'Oh crackers' while turning to hide. Lavi blushed and then grinned and Kate snickered and starting taking photos of the red head who started posing for the camera.
"How embarrassing." Allen said with a smile, though the not-so-innocent teen had been through way worse.
x-x-x-x-x
"So how did you three find us?" Allen asked confused once everyone was back and seated around the fire. Kate and Jo pointed at Sharnie while glaring at Kanda.
Lavi raised an eyebrow.
"Well, you see. Komui and I were hanging out in his lab, mixing up this cool new potion-y thing that we were going to put inside some of Allen's mitarashi dango-" "HEY!". "-Kanda's soba-" "Che." "and Lavi's carrot cake-"
"I don't even eat carrot cake." Lavi said with a deadpan expression.
"You do now." Sharnie said with a glare. "Now don't interrupt! As I was saying, so we were gonna do that and then I mentioned that Kate & Jo and I were going on quest. So I told him what it was about and he told me that you guys could help! So he said you were up here recovering after a hard mission and that I had to give you this note that says that you HAVE to help us! That our mission is now your new mission."
Kanda scanned the paper quickly and Allen read over his shoulder.
"Che."
"It's genuine."
Sharnie grinned and the three boys sighed.
"So what is this mission about, anyway?" Lavi asked curiously.
"Well, we're on a quest to discover the reason why- Oh." Jo began before realising something.
"HUDDLE!" Kate yelled and the three girls grouped together. Lavi snuck into the huddle, between Jo and Kate but Kate kicked him harshly back towards the other boys.
"Do we tell?" Jo asked.
"I don't think so. Their heads will explode from their ego!" Sharnie said with wide eyes. "Boom..."
The two looked at her weirdly, imagining heads exploding. Not cool.
"It'll be like when you hold in a fart!" She continued, horrified at the thoughts in her head. "Just like that guy on Youtube said: 'Because if you don't let out your farts all the gas inside your body is gonna start to build up. If it starts to build up you're going to expand. If you expand too much you're going to explode! If you explode your body parts are going to go flying everywhere! Dogs, cats, dragons, sheep; they're all going to be eating all your remains – but what happens when they run out of remains to eat? That's right, they're going to go for your babies!' And then he asked if I wanted to be a baby killer? 'Every time you hold in a fart, you're that much closer to killing a baby!'"
"Okay. We won't tell them." Kate said wide eyed. Jo nodded numbly. They needed to keep the deranged teen away from Youtube, no. Scratch that. The internet.
The girls turned back to the boys who looked at them expectantly.
"It's a secret." Sharnie said with a grin, her index finger raised and head turned slightly to the side.
Kanda growled. "I refuse to help you idiots on a quest unless I know what it is!" Lavi and Allen nodded with enthusiasm.
"Newsflash!" Sharnie called with a grin. "You don't have a choice."
Kanda's eye twitched. Everyone took a step back.
"Che."
Sharnie grinned. "Okay! Let's go! . . . In the morning."
Kate and Jo shook their heads. Sharnie and her sleep.
x-x-x-x-x
"So whatever happened to everyone from the last oneshot?" Jo asked randomly while they were walking. "I mean, I know Sora and Riku ditched us to go and find Kairi."
"That's because they're from that 'Kingdom Hearts' game." Sharnie replied. Jo just raised an eyebrow.
"Well," Kate began. "As you said, Riku and Sora went back to the game. Axel and Roxas went too. Roy and Ed from 'Fullmetal Alchemist' are currently acting in the new episodes of Brotherhood and Emily is sick." She turned to Sharnie. "What happened to all the Naruto characters?"
"The Akatsuki died and Sasuke went berserk." She replied with a straight face.
Kate blinked. Jo blinked. Lavi blinked. Allen blinked. Kanda asked if they all had eye problems. Sharnie laughed.
An old person in an electric wheel chair burst through the bushes. "THERE THEY ARE!" She screamed, her dentures near falling out.
"THERE THEY ARE!" She yelled again. And then again. And again. And then- "Wait. Why were we looking for you again?"
Everyone stared and had it been an anime they'd have definitely sweat dropped.
"Wait, we?" Lavi asked.
Suddenly a storm old old people came out of the bushes all around them and made a huge circle-like-wall. Walking frames, canes and wheel chairs in hand or under bum they yelled with pitch forks and torches raised and tribal paint over their faces that looked suspiciously like the mushy food fed to some in nursing homes.
"Pat, dear. Those two girls there," An elderly woman with a cane said while pointing to Sharnie and Kate. "Are the two girls that came into the nursing home at midnight the other night dressed as grim reapers!"
Pat made an 'o' with her mouth but it was clear she suffered from dementia and couldn't remember. She turned to the two girls and growled. "BUGGA YA!"
"Pat!" another lady somewhere in the crowd yelled with a giggle. "Don't swear!"
"Fuck." Sharnie mumbled and the old people's eyes snapped to her. Their sharp, swear-word detecting ears honing in on the naughty word.
"ATTACK!" yelled one of the men.
Sharnie and Kate looked at each other before they quickly ran together through a small opening between the elderly.
The others ran close behind knowing that some of the old people were half blind and would probably attack them by accident.
Kate growled and yelled, "Jesus, Sharnie! This is the last time I take you up on the offer to go scare old people for Halloween!"
"You have to admit it was fun!" Sharnie yelled back grinning as she dodged a knitting needle.
"So true!" Kate yelled with a huge smile. "Freakin' should turn around and chase THEM around - and with a much BIGGER pitchfork! See how they like that kind of assault! Hmm... and maybe a torch. Yes, yes. Fire is good~"
The others laughed but everyone kept running anyway, dodging spoons, soft toys and knitting supplies.
x-x-x-x-x
"Finally lost them!" Sharnie yelled, waving her arms and grinning.
"Now where are we?" Kate asked looking around.
They were lost.
They looked at Lavi with smiles.
"Don't look at me!" Lavi said annoyed. "I may be a Bookman in training but I have no clue where we are!"
Everyone sighed dejectedly.
"Well if I remember correctly," Kate said with a grin. "Last time we ran into you and got lost, Sharnie said: 'Um do either of you three know which way we are going? Because Kanda there is starting to look as desperate as a slut who hasn't had sex for a year. You, Lavi, are being that obnoxious that I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire and Allen looks as baffled as Adam on Mother's Day.' And then you all glared at her and we did eeny, meeny, miny, moe!"
Sharnie cackled and Jo raised an eyebrow. "I don't remember this!" She said with a confused frown.
"That's because you were busy making interesting noises with that Riku dude behind the door." Sharnie snickered and Kate laughed.
"Well we quit the Bishonen Justice League anyway." Lavi said grinning. "It took up too much time and didn't pay well."
"And I still need to pay off Master's debts." Allen said depressed. Jo patted his shoulder sympathetically.
Jo turned to say something to Kate and Sharnie but noticed them in a huddle over a newspaper, the front cover reading; 'Energiser Bunny arrested, charged with battery'. She snorted.
x-x-x-x-x
"So." Jo said looking between the two girls. Allen, Lavi and Kanda were standing off to the side in a huddle planning the best way to kill a certain sister-complex scientist who had gotten them stuck with the three girls.
After getting no reply except a twitch from both girls she continued. "Why do we have to kill Oprah before we can continue our mission?"
Sharnie growled and Kate's hand twitched for her shovel.
"You gonna tell me?" Jo asked with an eyebrow raised.
Sharnie threw the newspaper at Jo.
'Oprah's newest act of kindness: Bringing together in person, two long time pen-pals from Australia and America!'
"Oh. So you two are pissed because it wasn't you guys she brought together. It would be really awesome if she had brought Kate over to Australia to meet us but those two deserved it more! They'd been pen-pals for years and years."
"I still want to defenestrate her!" Kate growled. "She's now at the top of out 'To Kill or Permanently & Horrifically Maim' list!"
"No." Sharnie said emotionlessly. "I have a plan."
She whispered something to Kate that Jo couldn't hear and both grinned evilly.
"That's nearly as creepy as black Allen." Lavi said eyeing the girls.
"You haven't seen the worst." Jo said with a smile. "This is just the norm for them."
Lavi and Allen paled while Kanda snickered.
The girls walked back towards them, smiling and thinking about their plan.
"Che. Now what?" Kanda asked grumpily though he was secretly amused. Such a tsundere type!
"Now, we hunt." Kate grinned. "We'll meet you guys back here in a while."
x-x-x-x-x
"Wow. I can't believe you killed Oprah!" Jo said shocked.
Sharnie and Kate smiled toothily as they stood in front of her covered in blood -
LOL I kid. As if I'd be that mean and deprive you awesome people of how it happened! And it's not even going to be bloody. *snorts* Where's the fun in that?
x-x-x-x-x
Standing out the front of Oprah's studio with a conspicuous black bag and some plane tickets, the girls laughed evilly. Except Jo. She was being a killjoy. Like always.
Not cool.
"So. Wanna tell me the plan?" Jo asked calmly as the girls continued to laugh.
"You'll see!" Sharnie said with a smile, making a peace sign. Kate snickered and the girls walked into the studio and took seats in the front of the audience.
"How'd you manage to get tickets for in here and front seats to boot?" Jo asked confused.
"I know some people." Kate smiled.
Meanwhile as the rest of the audience started filing in, three people stood outside in a panic.
"I swear I had the tickets in my bag!"
"You stole them, didn't you?" Sharnie asked Kate.
"Maybe~?"
Sharnie and Jo dead-panned. "You're kidding... right?"
Kate just grinned and the girls' turned their attention back to the stage where Oprah was walking out and smiling. The crowd cheered and everyone got to their feet except the girls who just stared intensely at her.
"Hello everyone and welcome to the Oprah show!" She sat down on her chair smiling and paused so people could cheer. "Today I want to do something a little different!" Pause. "Today, someone from the audience is going to be randomly picked to come up on stage and sit with me while we talk to our special guests!" Insane, very freakin' loud cheering.
Suddenly the room dimmed and everyone started yelling as a spotlight turned on over Oprah. It swung out into the screaming audience and every person it touched yelled louder hoping it would stop on them. Then the unlikely happened. The man operating the spot light tripped and instead of it stopping on the pre-arranged mid-thirties woman in the second back row, to the left with the pink dress and the blonde perm, who had two dogs at home – chihuahuas to be exact - who were currently shredding the furniture and peeing on everything making it so that when this woman got home her bad day was going to become much worse, it stopped on someone in the front row. Someone far from who would have been approved of.
Someone called Sharnie.
Oprah blinked a little unsure but continued to smile as she ushered the quiet and intensely staring teen onto the couch next to her and attached a mini microphone to her shirt. Kate snorted and Jo laughed at the sight of the brown haired, side-fringed teen in her skinnies and converse sitting in the plump red chair next to the Oprah Winfrey.
The audience continued to cheer but it quietened down when Oprah began to speak.
"So, who are you?" She asked smiling.
The temperature seemed to drop to the two girls in the audience.
"I'm just a lucifugous misfit with the need to abreact about society's decadence in this caliginous world." Sharnie replied with a straight face, though both girls knew that she was trying not to laugh at Oprah's shocked face – heck! Even they were trying not to!
"Whoa. Explain what she just said?" Kate asked laughing quietly. Jo shrugged, laughing as well; she had no idea what Sharnie was saying.
"Hm. I think we should put the plan into action now?" Jo half asked, quietly stroking her invisible beard.
"Nah! As much as I hate Oprah, I reckon it'll be fun to see Sharnie mess with her head."
"But! We have a quest to finish!" Jo whined though she did agree it'd be fun.
"I suppose..." Kate grumbled.
The two girls pulled the bag out from under their seats and opened it. Inside lay five bags of no brand flour.
x-x-x-x-x
Screams rung through the audience as chaos erupted. Security guards came barging through, knocking screaming fans out of the way.
"You know, a guy broke into my apartment last week." Jo started conversationally. Kate raised an eyebrow. Jo didn't have an apartment. She pointed that out to her but Jo shrugged and kept talking as a screaming fan ran past her half naked through the sudden smoke, being chased by a security guard. "He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels - the sick bastard."
Kate snickered.
Jo turned to her. "So. What was the point of throwing flour at Oprah's face anyway?"
Kate cackled. Evilly.
"Well, you see." She began, grinning like a Cheshire cat. "The point of it was that if we threw flour at her, she'd just be another white woman with her own TV show. Therefore views would go down and she will lose her audience and all her money and possessions and become a bum on the streets so then we can kidnap her without anyone kicking up a fuss."
"And then what?" Jo asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Then, we hire a bum to smuggle her out of the country – originally he was gonna throw the flour at her too but I wanted to do it myself! - and over to where the Typo Fairy lives."
"Oh?"
"Oh. And better still, we're gonna throw Oprah AT the Typo Fairy. Their evilness will cancel each other's out, killing them in the process! Thus we kill two birds with one stone!"
"Literally kill." Jo snickered.
x-x-x-x-x
Sharnie grimaced. "As Albert Einstein once said, 'Two things are infinite: the universe and Lenalee's stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.'"
"Wasn't it, 'MAN's stupidity'?" Jo laughed. Sharnie grinned and shrugged. Lenalee glared. Kate snickered.
"Why don't you make like a hockey player, and get the puck out of here?" Kate asked her.
"Make me!" Lenalee sneered as she turned to the everyone else minus the female trio. They had not long left the country and caught the Typo Fairy – and wasn't that a sight for sore eyes! After a twelve hour flight that occurred in five minutes, Kanda was detained at the magical airport for a few hour-minutes after Sharnie screamed parle and ran. The strange hour-minutes and twelve hour flight in five minutes sprung a whole new conversation between Sharnie and Jo about time and reality while Kate listened and nodded along to what Jo said.
"It's like I said before!" Jo growled confused. "Every time we go somewhere in these stories, time is non-existent! It's ALWAYS sunny and day time! Even if it takes hours it's still the same day!"
"Nearly anything is possible in these oneshots!" Sharnie grinned. "They come from my brain and we all know how warped it is!"
"But what about how you were with Komui and us, all at the SAME time? Or that you emo corner has all that stuff inside it but it's the normal size and shape of a corner?"
"That's because it's inside my head."
"But it defies nature, science, moral and legal law! And you once said it was perhaps somewhere in the middle of the realms of reality, imagination and msn chats? That it is also where ever we go, where we hang out in msn conversations and yet still in your mind?"
"Yup!"
Jo just stared at her. Her head hurt.
Once Kanda had been set free they found themselves standing out the front of a castle.
"Do we HAVE to go in there?" Lavi whined.
Jo raised an eyebrow at him and Kate told him that he and the other two boys could wait out here.
The three girls slowly walked up the steps of the castle while dodging various coconuts dropped by swallows and catapulted animals.
Once inside they'd come across dragons;
"OH MY FUCKING JASHIN!" Jo screamed while she stared at the dragon.
"I say!" He replied, pulling out his top hat, eye piece, pipe and fake moustache.
Kate stared at it. And stared. And stared. "WHAT THE HELL?"
Sharnie just peered into its pipe to try and work out what it was on.
"Maybe it's Angel Dust?" She grinned. A brick flew past.
Jo pulled a face."What the-"
"ARGH! DIDN'T WE LEAVE BEHIND THOSE STUPID BRICKS IN THE LAST ONESHOT?" Kate raged.
"Yeah!" Sharnie agreed. "Didn't I tell you that those bricks were as subtle as a gynaecologist-"
"Don't even finish it." Kate said, eyes narrowed. Jo just looked around confused.
"- wearing a gas mask."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?"
"AAAAAAHHH! OH MY FREAKING GOD SHE HAS A CHAINSAW!"
And many other disturbing things until they found the Typo Fairy and cornered her.
"Evil will always continue with the help of evil men!" The Typo Fairy cackled. "Nobody will ever change that fact. You can not wage war on pain or fear. You can not kill hate. You can not destroy thoughts."
"Wow." Sharnie murmured. "That was deep."
Kate nodded before swiftly moving forward and tackling the fairy before she began tying her up.
Jo snickered. "What is with everyone stealing other people's quotes in these oneshots, Shar?"
Said girl shrugged and continued to poke the disgruntled fairy with a stick. "I'unno."
Until they finally managed to get back outside with the Typo Fairy in tow, to where the three boys were standing with the tied up Oprah.
"So, back so soon?" Lavi asked the girls grinning. "You had a rather easy time catching her, aye?"
The three chicas looked at each other and laughed.
Dude that is SO cliché.
And they had begun walking to a camp site because apparently the ever so rare night in these oneshots was coming soon! And then they ran into this hideous fan service monster. Which brings us back to the present.
"Who wants to stare lovingly at me and my hair all day while I cry about how weak I am?" Lenalee smiled flirtatiously.
Allen blanched. "Can't, sorry! My dog just had kittens."
"My snail has cross country." Kanda muttered.
Lavi, usually one for flirting with woman stared at the beast and said, "Sorry! My snake broke its leg!"
Then everyone else started making excuses - Oprah was 'Finding Nemo'; Typo Fairy's turtle has little athletics; Sharnie was getting her nose pierced with Voldemort; Jo had to walk her unicorn; And Kate's nan was going to teach her how to rave.
Lenalee glared at everyone with what was meant to be a scary face but looked more like a pug dog pouting after it had had its face smashed in with a brick and run over by a semi-trailer. Maybe attacked by a psycho girlfriend in a run down, old, closed hospital with a fire extinguisher after her friends had been all killed and her boyfriend's insides pulled out and strung across the room as she was assaulted and had a drill drilling into her head by a creepy guy with a tattoo of himself on his neck. Yeah. That's what her face looked like. Siriusly.
"Hey! Isn't that your brother I hear calling?" Sharnie asked with an eyebrow raised. "Calling for his coffee?"
Lenalee scoffed and replied rudely, "No. As if he would be calling me and like I'll leave just because you obviously want me to so that you can have my FRIENDS all to yourself!"
Kate sneered at her and Jo growled. Sharnie just snickered and approached Lenalee. The other girl began to back up a tad bit afraid of the shorter girl.
"Two words, love." Sharnie told her in a voice dripping with artificial sweetness. "Germany. Chainsaw."
Lenalee gasped and backed up, her face paling and her palms sweating. "No!"
"Yes!"
Lenalee gasped again and took off running.
"God I wanted to kick her in the face total ninja style! I hate that bitch." Kate grumbled as she turned to Sharnie with a brow raised.
"What was that?" Jo asked amused.
"I have no clue." Sharnie shrugged honestly. "I just said the first two words to come into my head."
Everyone laughed. Except the Typo Fairy and Oprah. They were gagged and bound. But they snickered through the gags. But they shouldn't have. They just didn't realise what was coming for them.
x-x-x-x-x
"Why be difficult," Kate grinned. "When with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?"
"Wicked!" Sharnie laughed. The group of eight were sitting around a camp fire. Oprah and the Typo Fairy were in opposite corners so that their evilness did not cancel each other out just yet (they all agreed to do the deed in the morning~); Kanda was sharpening his innocence; Allen was shuffling his deck of cards; Jo, Shar and Kate were sitting in the middle child's emo corner continuing their activities from earlier this morning (Though Kate was now talking to Tyson and Meg, Jo was in a different role-play and Sharnie had started reading mystery instead of slash.); and Lavi was staring at the trees, trying to spot Drop Bears before they attacked the camp and stole all the Twinkies.
Whatever a Twinkie is... Weird Americans.
Heh.
Oh. I googled it.. so apparently they're little cake thingamajigs? Nah. Lavi can be making sure they don't steal all the cheesecake. Because everyone knows that Drop Bears ADORE cheesecake!
Jo looked up from her laptop. "So, er, when do we actually start the quest to find the answer to that question that was asked by that person about those people?"
Sharnie stared at her. "Oh shit. I forgot aaaaall about that!"
"I kinda figured you did seeing as this oneshot in now like twenty pages long, over 9000 words, more than a year late, closer to the next, next Christmas than the last, last and us characters still haven't started the quest."
"Yeah. . . "
"You seriously forgot, didn't you?"
"Ummm. . . OMG LOOK IT'S MORNING YOU GUYS!"
Jo rolled her eyes at her blatantly obvious attempt at changing the subject while Kate crowed with delight that it was now time to destroy the world's two biggest evils.
"So. How exactly do we want to do this?" Kate asked Sharnie who was once again poking the fairy with a stick. She blinked. Kate sighed. "You didn't think that far ahead, did you?"
"Nope! But," She began, watching Jo poke Oprah with another stick and Lavi still hunting drop bears. "-Oh my freakin' dead God Lavi! DROP BEARS AREN'T BLOODY REAL YOU FUCKTARD! - I suppose if we get Kanda to grab Oprah and Allen grab the Typo Fairy and they just throw them at each other, it'll work, yeah?"
"Probably." Kate shrugged as she watched horrified as Sharnie began cleaning her ears out with her nail. "Dude that is so gross."
"I know, right? But I can randomly type myself doing that because it's a story!" She claimed... happily. Kate twitched but shrugged. It wasn't her business to question.
"Well. To end the horribly long arc, I think we should get a move on." Jo declared while munching on some Redvines - God's gift to Earth, (that actually tasted like shit). And so they did, after the Redvines were shared.
Kanda stood at one end and grabbed Oprah while Allen walked to the other side and lifted the fairy.
"Any last words?" Kate cackled fiendishly. "Remove the gags so they may speak!"
"Why?" Oprah cried. "Why have you kidnapped me, you debauched teenagers! And what on Earth is that thing you are planning to kill me with?"
"THING? I'm a bloody fairy!" said thing, the Typo fairy, yelled. "You stupid bitch! No wonder in real life you stopped doing your shows!"
"Hey! I finished because I thought I'd done them enough and it-"
"LA LA LA CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER YOUR STUPID HEAD!"
"WHAT? YOU LITTLE-"
"KANDA! ALLEN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"
And while the obnoxious things were still screaming obscenities at each other and the likes, they were thrown and both hit each other. The collision sent out ground-shaking tremors and unleashed a piercing screech. Black smoke erupted and began moving everywhere and yatta yatta yatta. They were dead.
. . .
. . .
"That was somewhat anti-climatic." Jo raised an eyebrow.
"Very. I was expecting more." Kate agreed.
"I was too lazy to type anything else." Sharnie replied solemnly. "Just imagine something better."
Everyone stared.
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" She whined and sat on the ground, pouting childishly. "I'm tired and I'm sick of this mission."
"We haven't even started yet!" Jo cried annoyed. "And you're the one who so desperately wanted to go!"
"Yeaaaaah but Umbridge stole my cheesecake because she had no protein shakes, falcon eggs and rocks left!"
"What?"
"SHE'S DISTRACTING YOU!" Kate cried pointing her finger at the teen.
"Nu-uh." Said teen pouted again. "If I was distracting you, I'd say you have no nose and that I have voldemophobia and can't be around you any longer."
"You're an idiot."
"BUT KATE! You're just jealous that when I had my Personal Development/Health class and we did resuscitation, I named the resuscitation dolls!"
"Do I want to know?"
"Yes! There was a white skinned one, and I called him Remus Lupin. And their was a dark skinned one and- can you guess what I called him?"
"I don't know, James Potter, Sirius Black? Perhaps Draco?"
"Correct! Sirius Black! You get it? Sirius BLACK. I named the dark one Sirius BLACK?"
Kate dead-panned "Your kidding."
"Nope!"
"Are you serious?"
"Ye-"
"Don't answer that. I guess being you, no. You weren't kidding." She sighed and walked away with the others.
. . .
"HEY! DON'T LEAVE ME BEHIND!"
x-x-x-x
"Y'know, one time I was that bored so I said 'Wow, that's a weird place to put a piano.' You wouldn't believe how many people looked around for a piano - And I was in an elevator!" Sharnie cackled to herself after she caught up with the rest.
"You stole that from facebook." Jo rolled her eyes.
"It was still funny." Allen pointed out while laughing. Everyone looked at him funny.
"Not that funny." Kate murmured with an eyebrow raised.
"... So. Does any of you lot know were you're going?" Sharnie asked with a smile.
Jo blinked. "Actually, no. Where are we meant to be going?"
Kate frowned. "Yeah, where is THAT person?"
Sharnie snickered. "Well, back when Komui and I were talking, after he mentioned where to find the three knuckleheads, -" "OI!" "HEY!" "Che!" "- he mentioned we might be able to find her in the highest room of the tallest tower in the biggest castle at the top of the highest cliff of the highest mountain of Canada."
"Canada, really?" Kate asked with an arched brow.
"Well, life is like a pineapple, I forget the rest but don't trust potatoes."
And deciding Canada sucked, they all went back home for tea.
x-x-x-x
Sitting at the table in the emo corner, drinking their assorted beverages, the DGM boys, the loony trio, Socky-chan and our deranged, moustached dragon found themselves in a light conversation. Turning from the other the three girls quietly spoke amongst each other.
"We never will find out the truth, will we?" Jo asked with a raised brow.
"Likely not." Sharnie sniffed.
Kate shook her head and explained she hadn't really expected to in the first place.
Suddenly the lights flickered and a bodiless voice spoke: "I'm baaaaaaaack!"
The End.
. . . what?
x-x-x-x
MY FUCKING GOD. ITS FINISHED. I started this actually all the way back in 2009. WTH. I can't believe it is finally done!
Omake:
"UGH! THAT'S IT!" Sharnie screamed and grabbed the three boys.
"What are you doing Shar?" Jo asked staring at her confusedly. "We still have our mission to solve!"
"I know!" She whined while Kate watched the three boys struggle our of her surprisingly tight grip. "But after listening to 'The GazettE' and 'Girugamesh' and looking at all those pictures of 'Visual Kei' fashion, I need to design clothes and these three boys are going to model them!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!"
Jo and Kate giggled and waved to the boys before skipping away merrily to sip Fanta with Socky-chan.