"It was raw and bright. I was mesmerized by how my skin was changing color. I closed my eyes and imagined the cells pulling together to form a tight pink barrier. I felt like I could leave the world by diving into this wound."
It can be very dangerous, old habits making their way to the surface. You promised yourself that it was over, that you would never resort to old ways again. You promised yourself happiness that you would love, and let yourself be loved.
But now that all seems like a dream, because now as you sit with your back against the tub, and your hands are shaking as warm blood flows down your arm, all you can do is cry.
The screams from the room across the hall increase, but you can't force yourself to stand. You can't let her see you like this. You are her mother and you are supposed to be strong for her, and protect her from the nasty world.
But you feel like a failure. How can you protect your baby from the horrible reality of the world, if you can't even save yourself; from yourself?
"Charlotte…"your sister, twelve year old Janelle called up the stairs.
You heard her call, but you were too dizzy to stand, so you simply called out:
"I am not going" in a quick attempt to wipe up the blood that covered the floor of your room, and erase all evidence of your weakness. Because this wasn't you, you were Charlotte king, and you were stronger than this.
It wouldn't happen again, you told yourself. This habit that had resided as scars on your arm for the past year of your life had to end. You had to stop; you knew there was too much to lose. You needed to get your life back.
Yet even after a hard day in school, you still came home looking for the comfort that the blade seemed to provide. And as the tears ran down your cheeks you hated yourself.
That was almost fifteen years ago, when you had convinced yourself that the world would be a better place, if you just weren't in it. The world wouldn't stop spinning if you were gone, and people would continue their lives. You would be forgotten. You would finally be free.
Your life had changed so much in those fifteen years, and you had been happy, you were happy. So what were you doing?
You wiped up the blood, and cleaned the cuts, covering them with a bandage and a long sleeve shirt.
Then made your way to Madyson's room, and when you looked at the baby face red and cheeks tear stained, you wanted to run.
This baby, only six months old needed you. She needed her mother, and that was too much.
The door opened and Cooper walked in and wrapped his arms around you. You jumped and pulled him off.
"W-hat… what's wrong?" he asked confused.
"Nothing, you just- scared me. That's all." You say quickly.
When Cooper walks over to your daughter's crib, his daughter, and picks her up; the cries stop almost instantly. He tries to hand her to you, but you walk out of the room, leaving him to deal with the screaming child.
When he walks into your bedroom a half an hour later, childless; you panic.
"Where is Mady?"
"I called Dell." Cooper said, with a concerned look in eyes.
"Why would you do that?"
"Because, Charlotte; we need to talk."
"What is there to talk about?" You begin to get defensive. "You won't go near our daughter. All she wants is her mother, and you won't even look at her. You work non-stop, and when you aren't working all you do is stare off into space." "Charlotte, sweetheart, please, tell me what is going on."
You look at him, Cooper the man that was always there. You hadn't planned this, either of you. The pregnancy was a mistake from a drunken night of meaningless sex.
But it was no longer meaningless. The day you told Cooper you were pregnant, everything changed.
You walked into his office, he looked up and smiled. "Charlotte, hi." He said nervously. "What...what are you doing here? I thought we weren't meeting until later tonight."
"Cooper, we need to talk..." you start but then trail off.
You take a deep breath, "I'm pregnant."
"I'm sorry, okay? I'm just, I am sorry. I will do better. I love her I really do; I love her so much, more than anything. But maybe I am just not cut out for this…"
"If you love her Charlotte, then you can do this, and I will be here with you every step of the way. I love both of you." Cooper said, reaching out to hug her.
She ducked. "But, do you? Do you love me? So I love you? Or are we just tolerating each other because we have a daughter? I don't know, maybe this was a mistake, maybe having her was a mistake." You say, the tears beginning to form in your eyes.
Cooper grabs hold of your face with his hands, and wipes away a few tears with his thumb. "Look at me. Don't you ever say that, don't just don't. Having our daughter was not planned, but it was not in anyway a mistake. You love her, I know you do. I saw you on the day that she was born, and the look in your eyes. I know that it is hard, and I know that being a mother is different than anything you have ever done before, but I believe in you, and I love you. You need to know that Charlotte."
After a long ten hours of labor, you finally hear the cries, as your baby enters the world. Her name, Madyson Janelle Freedman, and when you saw her for the first time, and Addison placed her in your arms, you wondered how it was possible to love someone so much; even if they were not planned. And as you looked over at Cooper who was smiling like a freak, you were happy.
You can no-longer hold the tears in, and as they start to spill from your eyes, you collapse into his arms. He kissed the top of your head, and cradled you in his arms. Then it happened, he froze and it took you a minute to realize what had happened. But then it hit you. His hand was holding on to your arm, the arm that held all of your pain.
You sat up, with pleading eyes. "Cooper, just don't."
"How…why?" He began stunned.
"I just, it was a moment of weakness…" but before you knew what had hit you, Cooper was pulling you into the bathroom and examing your arm. "Charlotte, these are really bad, I think you need stitches…" She cut him off, "I am a doctor, and I think I would know if I needed stitches, okay? Trust me; I have never gone too deep."
He looked at her, "Charlotte, have you done this before?"
She nodded.
Then they were out the door.
In the car he didn't speak, he didn't look at her. "Where the hell are we going?"
"We are going to see Violet…" he answered.
"What, no. I don't need her help, I don't need help from anyone."
"Can you tell me why you did it, Charlotte? What you were feeling when you did it?" Violet asked.
"Stop treating me like one of your crazy patients. I am not crazy; it was just a moment of weakness." She said in a defensive tone.
"Okay, fine you don't have to talk to me, but you should talk to someone." Violet began.
"It started when I was fourteen years old. First it was because my parents got a divorce, but then it turned into more. I told myself that I wouldn't do it anymore but, then it became almost like an addiction, and I couldn't stop." "It was raw and bright. I was mesmerized by how my skin was changing color. I closed my eyes and imagined the cells pulling together to form a tight pink barrier. I felt like I could leave the world by diving into this wound." "And from then on it was just what I used to escape the pain."
"Okay, now we are getting somewhere." Violet smiled.
"We are here for you Charlotte."
"You're going to have to tell me that a lot, okay?"
They both nodded.
"Cooper, I want to see my baby, I want to see Mady. I want to get better. I want to make sure she knows that I love her."
"Okay."
--
"Mommy!" Madyson screamed as she ran over to her mother's in bed.
Charlotte rolled over in the bed, "hey, how is my big girl today?"
Mady smiled, "I am five today momma!"
"I know baby girl! I love you so much Madyson, you know that right? Mommy loves you so much."
"I love you too mommy."
"Hey big birthday girl!" Cooper walked in the room and scooped up his daughter.
"What do you say we go start making your big birthday breakfast, and let mommy sleep for a little while longer?" He suggested.
The little girl nodded, and smiled at Charlotte.
An hour later, Charlotte made her way out to the kitchen; Mady was sitting at the table eating pancakes, in the shape of Mickey Mouse.
"Momma, we made you some breakfast."
"Thank you baby," She smiled as she kissed her daughter's forehead.
Cooper walked over and wrapped his arms around her swollen belly. "thank you Cooper."
"For what babe?"
"For everything, for your love, for Madyson, for saving my life, I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for you, and Violet and our friends. Thank you for giving me a second chance, and showing me how to love our daughter." Charlotte said with a smile.
"Your welcome, I love you. And thank you for giving me the family I have always wanted." He said as he kissed her stomach.