So yeah, I've seen a lot of stories about the Akatsuki being turned in kittens and ending up in our world, even skimmed through one or two of them, and every time I see them all I can think about is what would really happen to a box full of stray cats if I was the one to find them. So I decided to add my own short little story to the ever expanding pile.
I do volunteer work in a cat shelter so the premise of this story is a look at what I think would really happen to the Akatsuki if they ended up in our world as a pile of kittens in a cardboard box. Having worked at the shelter for at least ten years, I have seen a vast array of colours and patterns in my time. So the colours and patterns I give each of the members is going to be drawn from what I have actually seen, and trust me, I've seen some strange colour/pattern combos.
So without further ado, on to the story. *Evil grin*
Start
Blearily Hidan cracked his eyes open, his whole body aching and his head feeling like it was stuffed full of cotton wool.
What in the sweet fucking depths of hell had he done last night to leave him feeling like this? He tried to sit up but he couldn't, his body felt weird. Hidan focused his vision. He didn't recognise this place, where the fuck was he? In the dim light he could make out other forms and hear them breathing softly. He bought his hand up to grab at his head only to freeze as his hand came into view.
What. The. Fuck?!
He moved his hand a few times to make sure it was his. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before opening them again, but nothing changed.
He no longer had a hand. It was furry, and a pale silver colour with stripes just a few shades darker.
It was a cat's paw.
With a loud yell, which came out sounding like a yowl, Hidan shot to his feet and twisted his head around to look at the rest of his body. Oh sweet merciful Jashin-sama, he was a fucking cat! He looked around wildly; he was a fucking cat, in a fucking box with other fucking cats! This was not fucking happening!
"Shut up Hidan, people are trying to sleep here!"
Hidan swung his head around, ears flat against his skull, he knew that voice! That sounded like Kisame!
"Oi! Kisame! That you?"
"Who else would it be?" Came the grumbled reply. Hidan saw one of the other cats shift around and he pounced on it, needing to make sure. His suspicion was confirmed when he heard Kisame's voice spout from the angry grey-blue feline.
"Get the hell off me!" Kisame swiped a paw at Hidan whom easily dodged it.
"Wake the fuck up now! We're in seriously deep shit here!"
"What are you tal…?" Kisame muttered as he opened his eyes, only to pause at the sight of a large furry silver stripped face in front of his." AHHHH!" Kisame shot to his feet, noticed something was very wrong, looked at himself and yelled again.
"Like I said, seriously deep shit." Hidan muttered.
Kisame looked around at the other furry bodies still sleeping around them, "You don't think that the others are…" He waved a paw at the other cats.
That's when Hidan actually took a good look at them.
"If they are, you can fucking wake Uchiha." He pointed a jet black cat.
"How do you know that's Itachi?" KIsame asked.
Hidan gave a snort, "Look at him, who else could it be."
Kisame had to agree, the black cat was all tucked up proper like.
"Alright, let's wake the rest up and see who is who." Kisame said with a grumble walking over to the black cat.
Hidan pounced on the nearest one, sharp claws out to dig into furry skin. With a yell the white cat with cream points shot open his blue eyes with a growl.
"What the hell, un!" Deidara yelled.
Hidan snorted, "Figures, you still look like a girl." And without waiting for a reply moved onto his next victim.
Ten minutes later all the cats had awoken and identities were established as everyone studied everyone else. Hidan was a pale silver tabby with pale green-gold eyes. Kisame was a solid blue-grey with light golden coloured eyes. Itachi was mostly a solid jet black, the only deviation was the couple of white hairs on his chest. His eyes were a deep orange colour, almost red. Deidara was white with cream points and deep blue eyes. Sasori was a slightly fluffy dark ginger tabby with light amber coloured eyes almost the same shade as his coat. Zetsu was no surprise as a black and white with gold eyes. Everyone had stared at Kakuzu, somehow he had ended up as the most bizarre of all of them. From head to shoulders he was a normal dark tabby pattern, but from behind his front legs his whole back and sides had longer ginger tipped fur. He had scowled at them with his deep green eyes and asked them what they were all staring at.
"You're a fucking weird looking cat." Hidan stated with his usual tact.
That just earned him another scowl.
"We need to get out of here." Itachi said, cutting across their budding argument, "So I suggest we all start finding a way out."
Kisame bared his teeth in a demented kitty grin and unsheathed his claws, "It's only cardboard, I say we shred our way out."
Sasori scratched at one of the sides experimentally, "That could work."
"Let's get shredding then!" Hidan said, a little gleeful at the prospect of doing damage to something, even if it was only cardboard
"What have we here?"
They all froze at the sound of a woman's voice. Suddenly they all lurched as the box was picked up. There was the sound of a door opening and they were carried for a few moments more before being placed on a flat surface. The box was then gently tilted up, causing the group inside to automatically scrabble at the surface with their claws. But before they all ended up in a furry pile on top of each other the tilting stopped and the box was righted once again.
"Thought so." The womans voice sighed, "Honestly why do people do this, it's not like it's so hard to make a phone call. So irresponsible." There was the sound of another door opening and the box was picked up and moved again, "Alright let's see who we have here."
They all squinted and blinked a few times as they adjusted to the extra light that came flooding in upon the opening of the box. Before they thought to react a large hand came in and grabbed Kisame by the scruff and pulled him out of the box.
"Quick, the box is open, un. Make a run for it." Deidara said jumping out.
The rest of the group spurred themselves to action and all pounced out, ready to bolt in all directions… only to find there was nowhere to go. The box had been put in a cage and now it was being removed through the only exit available by the woman blocking it. She dropped the box on the floor and turned back towards them. Reaching in, she grabbed Deidara before he could react.
"What the hell, un?" He protested, trying to squirm out of her grasp.
But she only made a cooing noise and pulled him close to her chest where she then proceeded to give him scratches around the ears and chin. Deidara couldn't help himself, he didn't want to like it but he found himself leaning into the scratches anyway. They felt good.
"Aww, you're such a little cutie. But I wanna have a look at the others." She placed him back in the cage and grabbed Kisame next.
With a light shake of his head Deidara shook off the stupor that he had fallen under only to see Hidan looking at him, eyes slightly narrowed and ears tilted half way back, giving the overall impression he was smirking at the bomber.
"Did you enjoy yourself there?" Hidan asked smugly.
Deidara just glared at him, and probably would've pounced if it wasn't for Kisame suddenly being placed down next to them in a similar state of stupor that Deidara was in moments ago. It was Deidara's turn to be smug as Hidan was selected for the scratches next. Hidan gave a few hisses and a swipe or two but that didn't deter the woman at all. After only a few scratches Hidan was rendered helpless as well. When he was placed back down in the cage Deidara just gave him a smug look. Hidan gave him a hiss and stalked off to a corner. Itachi was just tense for his whole handling. Zetsu surprised everyone by actually letting out a little purr and leaning right into the attention.
He was placed back in and the rest of the group stared at him.
"What?" His white half said, "It felt nice."
Sasori was next and although he tried to resist, he too fell under the stupor. Last was Kakuzu, the woman picked him up and stared at him for a moment.
"What a strange looking kitty." She muttered, twisting him around to have a better look, "You are really bizarre looking, but still cute." She bought him close and gave him his own scratches. Kakuzu just remained stubbornly unresponsive. A little kitty scowl on his face.
After a few moments she deposited him back in the cage and closed the door before any of them could escape.
"Alright little ones. I have to go see the vet now, see if I can't get an appointment for you all." And with that she walked off.
Sasori immediately climbed up the cage door and stuck a paw through to try and open the latch. The rest of the group watched, expectantly, hoping that he could get them out. After a few minutes of trying Sasori jumped down.
"I can't open it. This body is weak and I am pretty sure the latch is a little bent."
Groans of disappointment came from Deidara and Hidan.
"Right. Split up, look for any possible way out of this thing." Kisame said.
After an hour every inch of the cage had been scoured and not a single way could be found to escape.
"Well shit." Hidan said flopping down onto the cushy cat bed, "So what the fuck do we do now?"
"We wait and at the first opportunity, we make our escape." Itachi said calmly sitting and curling his tail around his legs.
0o0o0o0
They were stuck in the cage for hours. Whilst most of them had simply curled up in different spots to wait, Hidan was getting fidgety and bored. In the end, he decided that some entertainment was in order. He looked around at the others to suss out the potential victims. Kisame was out straight away, even as a cat he was bigger then all of them. Itachi was no good as it was almost impossible to get any kind of a rise out of him. The same applied to Zetsu. Kakuzu and Sasori could be fun, but then again with those two it was hard to tell. They could either ignore him or they could proceed to kick his ass all over the cage. Which left Deidara. Hidan slitted his eyes and a kitty grin spread over his face, Deidara would be perfect to torture as he had the best reactions.
Hidan hunched down, his ears going back and the tip of his tail flicking back and forth. With a little wiggle of his back end he pounced. Deidara gave a yowl of surprise as Hidan landed squarely on top of him. Once Deidara got past the initial moment of surprise, he gave a hiss and grabbed hold of Hidan with his front paws. Baring his little needle sharp teeth Deidara bit down on Hidans' leg, making the immortal give his own yowl at the pain. It then just devolved into a full out kitten fight between them. The rest just ignored the feuding pair as the sound of a door opening and closing and footsteps walking towards them caused the non-combatants to swivel towards the sound.
Deidara and Hidan's fight was bought to an abrupt halt as a stream of cold water hit them both in the face. They pulled apart in shock.
"Play nice you two." The woman scolded them.
They both looked up to see the woman frowning slightly at them and holding a squirt bottle full of water. Once she was satisfied they wouldn't break out in another fight she set the bottle on top of their cage and picked up a carry cage from the floor. Placing it on the table, she opened the wire top and lifted it up.
"Alright you lot, time for a visit to the vets."
"Get ready, this could be our chance." Kakuzu said standing up.
The rest of the group readied themselves as the door to the cage creaked open.
"Now!" Kisame shouted.
They all shot towards the cage door.
They didn't stand a chance.
With practiced efficiency the woman managed to grab them, stop them from escaping and stuff them in the carry cage. In short order they were all in the carry cage and she was locking it back up.
"Well, that was quite a failure." Sasori observed idly as the cage was picked up and they were carried off.
A short walk and a few doors later they emerged into a room that smelled strongly of cleaning products. They were set on a bench as the woman went over to what was obviously a reception desk. She spoke for a moment then went and sat next to the cage full of cats.
"I have a very bad feeling about this." Kisame said peering out from the bars of the cage and looking around.
"I agree, un." Deidara said.
All seven of the kittens looked carefully around, instinctively taking in their environment in case an opportunity to escape presented itself. They didn't have to wait long before their cage was picked up and the woman carried them into yet another room and placed them on a table. A man then walked in and closed off the room. The woman unhooked the the latches and lifted up the lid.
"Alright little ones, time to say hello to the vet."
All thoughts of escape fled from each of the Akatsuki members as the full impact of where they were hit home.
"Oh, hell no." Hidan exclaimed backing into a corner of the cage.
The woman reached a hand in to grab one of the kittens and the entire group scuttled to the sides, but it didn't help. She grasped a hold of a scruff and lifted. The first victim turned out to be Itachi. As he was placed on the black rubber mat that covered the examination table the rest of them pressed furry little faces to the bars to see what would happen to the stoic Uchiha.
It wasn't pretty.
First off, his gender was determined. That was done by picking him back up and lifting a tail. Once confirmed he was placed back on the table where he tried to curl up in a ball from embarrassment. That was when the vet approach, something in his hand.
"What is that?" Deidara asked.
Eyes went wide across the board and more then one tail was tucked between back legs as the vet lifted Itachi's tail and gently inserted the end into his anus. Itachi flattened his ears against his skull and tried to escape the invasive instrument, a low growl in his voice, but he was held firmly in place and forced to endure it. Didn't mean he was happy with it. After a few moments the instrument made a beeping sound and it was removed.
"Temperatures normal." The vet muttered as he wiped the thermometer off with a paper towel and placed it on the bench behind him, picking up his stethoscope next.
Placing it in his ears he listened to Itachi's heartbeat for a minute before putting it aside. He picked Itachi up and looked him over in general, checking his teeth, his ears and eyes. Placing the black kitten back on the table in the grip of the woman he turned to the bench again.
"Are you ok Itachi?" Kisame called out to him.
"No." was all Itachi said.
Five heads suddenly swiveled around as the Vet turned back, a needle in his hand.
"Heads up, needle coming, un." Deidara called out.
Itachi hunched down a little lower. A cotton swab was wiped over the back of his neck and shoulder blades before the skin at the scruff of his neck was pulled up and the needle was jabbed in. The pink liquid was injected in and the needle pulled out.
"Almost done, little one." The woman cooed at Itachi, giving him a pat on his head.
Hidan spotted it first, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?"
"What!" Itachi's voice held a slight tone of panic, which for Itachi was the equivalent of a normal person almost breaking out in hysterics.
"That size needle cannot be fucking legal!" Hidan said.
The others were forced to agree as the Vet again gathered Itachi's scruff and without preamble stuck the needle into his skin. Itachi hissed at the pain. There was a click sound and the needle was removed.
To add one last insult to injury, Itachi's head was tilted slightly back and his mouth forced open. Something was dropped into his open mouth and then his jaw was quickly shut and a breath was blown in his nose forcing him to swallow the object.
"All done now." The woman lifted Itachi up dropped him back in the carry cage with the others.
They all stared at the slightly shell shocked Uchiha as he crouched in the center of them with eyes wide and ears still flat along his skull. Dread settling over all of them as the realization set in that they were all about to be subject to the same treatment. A yowl from Deidara drew their attention to the next victim.
Half an hour later all the rest had gone through their own session of torture and humiliation. They were now bundled back into the carry cage and being carried out of the vet clinic.
"What happened in there is never to be spoken about again." Kakuzu growled out to the rest of them.
They all gave nods and murmurs of assent. It was an experience that none of them wanted to think about again. They were taken and put back into the cage where Hidan and Deidara immediately scuttled off into corners to nurse their wounded pride. The rest of the group ignored them in favor of an impromptu meeting to try and figure out their next step.
"These bodies are weak and useless, how did we end up with them anyway?" Sasori stated.
"I don't know," Itachi replied, "But that is not our biggest problem. I am unable to access my Sharingan or even mold any chakra. Can any of you?"
Slowly, one by one, the others shook their head. Dread settled over them as the full import of that knowledge sunk in.
"We're going to be stuck as cats for the rest of our lives, aren't we?" Kakuzu said sourly.
The agent of their torture arrived back again and the entire group went on the defensive, wondering what fresh hell she was going to force on them next. But she did nothing more then hang a sign on the side of the cage and put a bowl on the top of their cage.
"You lot are very lucky, you know. We actually have some room to house you til we can find you a new home. If we didn't, we probably would've had to either find another shelter or worse case, euthanize you all. And that's something I like to avoid if I can." As she spoke she had cracked the door open and pulled the bowl of cat biscuits off the top and put it in with them, "Luckily, you're all boys so the vet had enough time to do your neutering tomorrow. Which is good, because it means we can put you up for adoption sooner." She put a bowl of water in and closed the door. She gave the door a light pat and the cats a smile, "Be good, you lot. I'll see you all tomorrow." She then turned and walked away, leaving the group of criminal-turned-cats alone.
"What does euthanize mean?" Hidan asked, breaking the silence.
"It's another word for killing." Kakuzu answered gruffly, sniffing suspiciously at the water.
"Oh. Well what does neutering mean then?" Hidan asked again.
"It means they are going to remove our testicles." Sasori replied in a bored tone.
There was silence as Hidan and Deidara's eyes went wide and their ears sunk down in horror as the full import of that sunk in. Even Itachi, Kakuzu and Kisame tucked their tails between their legs, hunching over slightly. Only Sasori and Zetsu seemed unconcerned over the potential loss of their manhood.
"No." Deidara choked out, "Wh... why would they do something so barbaric!?"
Sasori gave a one shouldered shrug.
"How are we going to stop this?" Hidan asked quietly.
"I don't think we can do anything about this." Itachi said, "We are helpless in these bodies."
"So we really are going to be stuck like this for the rest of our lives." Kisame said gruffly.
"It would appear so." The Uchiha said walking off to curl up in a corner of the cage.
The rest of them all went off to their own corners to contemplate what their futures would now hold for them all.
0o0o0o0
Needless to say, none of them really slept well that night. Between thoughts of losing testicles and being stuck as furry little house pets the only one that really got any decent sleep was Zetsu. Finally, the morning dawned and a few hours later footsteps were heard. One by one, they all stood up and prepared themselves to meet their doom. The woman opened up the carry cage she bought with her and opened up the door to their cage, using the carry cage and her body to block any escape attempts. But after the rough night they had all had, no one quite had the energy to even try and escape.
The woman gathered them all up and put the criminals into the carry cage.
"It can't end like this." Deidara said quietly.
"It already has, kid." Kisame replied.
Inside the vet clinic they were handed off to another woman whom took them out the back and placed them in yet another cage. They weren't in it for long before the woman came back and opened it back up again to grab one of them. The silver tabby that was Hidan hung limply in the vet nurses hands as she carried him to the operating table. When he was placed on the table he regained some of his spirit for a moment and struggled against their hold. But it was futile. A needle was jabbed into him and he instantly felt the sedative take affect, making him feel limp and sleepy. A cone type mask was placed over his muzzle, the black rubber that was on the end of it forming a seal around his muzzle. As he breathed in the anesthesia and his head started to swim all he could think was one thing.
Why?
0o0o0o0
Hidan shot up with a gasp. His eyes were wide and a sheen of sweat covered his body. What the fuck kind of dream was that!? Hurriedly he patted himself down to make sure that it was just a dream and he wasn't a... a... what was he again? He frowned as he turned his mind towards trying to grasp onto the dream he was just having, but it slid away to fast for him to hold onto. With each second the dream dissipated until it was completely gone, leaving him only with a vague sense of distress, disgust and annoyance. He ran his hands through his hair and laid back down. It didn't matter anyway, he just wanted to go back to sleep now as he had a mission with Kakuzu in the morning and wanted to make sure he had plenty of sleep.
Unseen and unknown to Hidan a girl stood next to his bed with a smile. She watched as he made some grumbling noises and rolled over in his bed. She leaned over his sleeping form, black hair falling forward, and gave him a light poke.
He made such a cute little kitty.
She straightened up and held up a hand. In her palm an image appeared, a girl with dark brown hair sleeping peacefully in a bed. She grinned widely at the image. The group had been sent to the girls world, so it was time for her to come to theirs. She closed her hand, making the image in her palm dissipate like smoke. Her black hair slowly started to change colour, starting at the roots it turned a light golden blonde that ran down the strands. A bright blue started to bleed through the dark brown of her irises. Her clothes twisted around her body, becoming a white sundress.
Now it was some time for some real fun.
She took a step to the side and disappeared.
0000000
A/N: Is it terrible that I find so much ease and fun in torturing Hidan in my writings? Hmm, so the last bit, who is this mysterious woman that turned the Akatsuki into cats for 24 hours? Only I know... for now. She is actually a plot device from another story I am working on and when I was trying to figure out how to end this little one shot, weeeell she made it easy to just use her. At the very least I hope this story gave you a few giggles.
Also, in case you were curious, the big needle mentioned in the story is a microchip needle. A microchip sits just under the skin between the shoulder blades and is roughly the size of a grain of rice, the needles used to insert them are large enough to give needle phobics nightmares for years. I do know that some vets will put a local anesthetic in the area first before putting the microchip in. In Australia, it is illegal to sell a cat or dog without a microchip.
On another note, if anyone is ever considering get a pet cat or dog I highly encourage you visit your local animal shelter. Not only would you be giving a second chance to an animal, but you can find some of the most loving and loyal companions amongst them. If you can't have a pet then donate some spare time or resources to your local shelter as every little bit does help. Thank you for reading my rant, I'll let you go now.
Cheers ^.^