Title: Intoxicated
Author: UnOriginalOne aka Alyce
Rating: T
Disclaimer: Not mine, if they were I wouldn't spend all day on my feet fake smiling at customers.
Summary: This is the human toll.
Authors Notes: Ok everyone, this is my first SVU fic. I hope you like it. It's something that I thought of (and began writing) a couple of months back and I've been working on it little by little since then. Let me know what you think, good or bad, trust me after the shit I got at work over Summer, trust me, I can deal with it. I'm not entirely sure I'm happy with the story, but I think that's just because I've never written SVU before.
Finally I want to dedicate this to anyone who has ever lost someone in an accident, it truly is one of the most painful experiences I've ever had.
Alyce xxoo.
Intoxicated
The bright sun reflects against the varnished timber of the casket. Through misted eyes I can almost make out my own reflection in the wood, and behind me the rest of the 1-6 with Casey and various other members of law enforcement. Off to one side I can see Simon, a pained expression on his face as he mourns the sister he barely knew. I'm flanked by my children, Kathleen and Lizzie buried into my sides, with Maureen and Dickie on either side of their siblings. Telling the kids was heartbreaking, I'd known they were all close with Liv, but until her sudden death a week ago I had no idea just how close they had all become with their 'Aunty Liv'. Fighting back a tear, I watch as the casket before me is lowered into the ground, and the many attendees take the opportunity to toss roses into the ground with her. Slowly the crowd dissipates, no doubt headed to the wake, and my four children step forward, whispering tearful goodbyes to the woman who treated them as if they were her own children. Once the kids have left to be comforted by their mother I approach the hole in the ground that now houses the body of my former partner. Gently I ease my body down to the grass, unceremoniously plopping my body on the chilled ground, finally allowing the emotions of the last week to spill.
Eight days earlier…
The shrill ring of my cell phone pulls me from my slumber. Groaning, I roll over, expecting to find the warm body of my girlfriend next to me, instead I'm greeted by the unnatural cold of the cotton sheets. "Stabler," I mumble into the phone, my voice heavy with sleep. "Elliot, its Don." Upon hearing my boss's voice I attempt to swallow the lump that is forming in my throat. "Elliot, we need you to come to Mercy General."
"Why?" I ask, finding my voice.
"Just come." There's a click on the other end of the line. Pulling the cell away from my ear I stare at the now black screen. Slightly confused I climb from the bed, pulling on my clothes from the day before, walking through the apartment attempting to locate my wallet and keys.
Close to an hour later I arrive at the hospital, the bright clock on the wall in the reception telling me its 3:47am. Still baffled, I stop at reception to search out Don, hoping the receptionist can shed some light on why I'm here. "Elliot." I look over, spotting Don standing next to a nearby wall. "Cap, what's going on?" The older man before me looks visibly upset, and he reaches out a hand gesturing to the bank of uncomfortable plastic chairs to my right. "Elliot," he pauses, as if unsure as how to continue. "There was an accident. Olivia was on her way home." He shakes his head, "A drunk driver ran a red. He T-Boned her car, she took the full impact." He pauses letting the information sink in, "Elliot, she didn't make it. She died on impact. I'm so sorry." A single tear escapes as I try to process what he just said. Unable to sit still I get up from the seat and begin pacing as the tears begin falling uncontrollably. "Why?" I ask no one in particular. "Why her? She didn't do anything to deserve this. Oh God." My knees buckle beneath me as I slide to ground, leaning on the wall for support. Don comes over, pulling me to my feet and when I look him in the eye I can see the pain on my face reflected in his. "I need to see her." I say, it's barely a whisper.
"She's up here," he says walking down the hall. I follow him, stopping behind him as he comes to a halt in front of a non-descript door. "I'll wait out here." I nod, my hand sliding over the handle, turning it until the lock clicks and the door falls open before me. Inside the room there's a single gurney, covered with a crisp blue sheet. I step quietly towards the gurney, praying that there's been a misunderstanding that my beautiful Olivia won't be beneath the generic linen. Taking a deep breath I pull the cotton down, revealing the top of her head. Inching the sheet down further I fully reveal her face. Her eyes are closed in peaceful slumber, and her once rosy lips have started to pale. I trace my fingers over the cooling skin, tracing the angry lacerations that cover one side of her beautiful face. Choking back a tear, I slide the sheet down further, exposing her full breasts, stopping when the sheet rests across her hips. Paying no attention to her bust I lean forward, kissing the slightly rounded skin of her abdomen. Seatbelt bruising mars the tanned flesh and I rub my fingers across the purplish marks. Examining the skin more closely I find the line she was so proud of only hours earlier. Her first stretch mark. I fight back tears as I remember how excited she was that morning when she'd found it while dressing. She was so proud. 'First of many' I'd jokingly told her, kissing the side of her head. My flippant comment earned me an elbow in the ribs, but I didn't care. The woman who I loved with all my heart was having my child, and I couldn't be happier. Leaning over, I press another kiss to her abdomen, "Goodbye Squirt." I whisper, pulling the sheet back up, covering her naked body. "Goodbye Liv, I love you." I place one last kiss on her icy lips before I cover her completely. Wiping the tears from my eyes I stand and walk from the room, the door snapping shut behind me.
By the time I leave the room, Casey and Fin have arrived and are waiting with Don. Casey's cheeks are stained with tears and when she sees me approach she rushes over, her tears dampening my shirt as she leans against me for support, "Is it true?" she whispers, obviously unable to comprehend that Liv really is gone. "Yeah," I say, as more of my own tears fall. Casey was the only one who knew about the baby, we were waiting until the end of the week to make the announcement. I never thought they'd find out like this. Pushing Casey away, I leave the group to grieve, "I have to tell the kids," I explain, moving towards the exit.
No one follows me, and it's a little after 6am when I pull up in front of Kathy's house. Taking a deep breath, and wiping the newly formed tears from my eyes, I open the driver's door and step out onto the kerb. Climbing the front steps I knock on the door, and a few minutes later a confused Kathy opens the door. "Elliot, what are you doing here?" she asks, a hint of anger in her voice. "I need to see the kids."
"They're still in bed," I'm told. Shaking my head I reply,
"I have to see them." Sighing, she stands aside and lets me in. brushing past my ex wife I trace the familiar route to my children's bedrooms and one by one I rouse them from their sleep, requesting their presence downstairs. Ten minutes later they're sitting expectantly on the couch, yawning and wiping sleep from their eyes. "Dad, what's happening?" Maureen asks, after I remain silent, contemplating just how I'm going to tell them that their 'Aunty' has died. Biting the bullet, I take a deep breath, "I've, um, got some bad news." I pause to gauge their reaction, when I'm greeted with silence I continue, "Olivia was in a car accident last night. She, uh, didn't make it. She died on impact."
"No, it can't be true," Kathleen declares, shaking her head vigorously.
"It is," I whisper, "I saw her at the hospital." The girls dissolve into tears, and I join them, crossing to where they sit, and wrapping my arms around them. Eyes filled with my own tears, I look over at my son, leaning against the couch looking stunned. The girls have often teased him about having a crush on Liv, but I never thought they were serious, however based on Dickies reaction, I'd say they were right on the money. Tears well up in his eyes as he rushes out of the room, nearly flattening his mother in the process. "Elliot, what's wrong?" Kathy asks, confused.
"Liv died, she was in a car accident." Lizzie lets out another loud sob as I tell Kathy the sad news and I pull her tighter.
It is after eight when I leave the house. I stayed until the kids were once again asleep, although I doubted that their slumber would be peaceful. Arriving back at the apartment we once shared I drop myself onto the couch, flicking on the television. Olivia's face pops up on the screen. Tears in my eyes, I read the caption 'NYPD Detective killed in accident.' I turn the volume up slightly as I lean back against the arm, hoping to get some rest, knowing the next few days will be exhausting. 'Detective Olivia Benson of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit was killed in a devastating accident overnight. The thirty-eight year old was returning to her apartment when the car she was travelling was hit drivers side on by a drunk driver. She was killed instantly. The driver of the other car was taken into custody last night after being treated for minor injuries.'
"Minor injuries," I repeat disbelievingly. "It's always the way." The newscast continued on, as the strip across the bottom of the screen streamed news of Olivia's death to homes across the country.
Mid morning, fed up with the loneliness that accompanied the numbness, I left the eerily quiet apartment and drove down to the precinct. As I pulled into the parking garage I was unsurprised to find a large gathering of reporters camped outside, harassing anyone who entered the building that looked like they were employed within. Glad to be parking in the structure, and sneaking up via the internal lift, I parked the car in the spot next to my former partners. Predictably it was empty, her own car was the one she was travelling in when she…a lump of bile rises in my throat when I remember that she and our unborn child are no longer on this earth, and not for the first time that morning I dissolve into tears.
Three days later…
My finger runs across the black and white image. The only physical proof I have left of our baby. The photograph taken only days earlier at her sonogram, displays the developing body of our child. The child we will never get to meet, the child who was taken from us, in the very instant that its mother was taken from me. Placing the picture carefully on the table, I stand, staggering into the kitchen to pour another drink. Alcohol helps; it numbs the pain that I'm feeling. I feel empty. I feel lost. I feel like I'm never going to be whole again. Downing the whole glass, I pay no attention to the burn of the alcohol as it courses down my throat. The glass slips from my hand, smashing on the counter in front of me. The crash of the glass as it hits the floor is enough to trigger the images my mind has been compiling of her death. The look of terror on her beautiful face as she realised the car was coming straight towards her. The sickening crash as the vehicles collided and the crushing of her bones, the force of the impact stealing her life away in an instant. In my head I can hear the sirens blaring in the distance as help rushes for the scene. Bystanders running over the twisted metal that was once her car, finding the battered, unmoving body of my partner, her eyes frozen open in death. I can see them attempt to shake her awake as the driver of the other car steps shakily from his own vehicle. He attempts to walk away. Witnesses to the accident stop him, holding him in place as the police arrive on the scene, cuff him, and load him into the back of a car. I see the horror on their faces as they realise who was driving the other car. One of the uni's drops to her knees, paying no heed to the broken glass that surrounds her. She knew Liv. Worked with her. Drank with her. Looked up to her. A white sheet is carefully placed over her cooling body while they wait for the M.E to arrive. Witnesses are gathered together and the long interviewing process begins. The rattle of a shaken spray can fills the air as a crash investigator begins to mark the trajectory of both vehicles. The other driver is dragged out of the car and to a paramedic. Tending to his cuts and bruises, the paramedic hands him back to police who shove him back into the cop car, taking him back to the precinct where charges will be laid. My body drops to the floor. Glass fragments dig into my hand. The pain is a welcome change from the numbness that I'm feeling. My head falls against the bench, fresh tears sliding down my cheeks. God I miss her.
Two days later…
I saw his face last night. There was a clip on the news of him being lead into the precinct. This morning I find myself sitting in the back of the courtroom silently as the D.A. argues against granting him bail. I watch as bail is set and he is taken back to the cells. A hand grabs my shoulder. Turning, I come face to face with Casey's bloodshot eyes. "Hi," I whisper. She doesn't respond verbally, instead she throws herself into my chest. My arms lifting of their own accord to wrap around her frame as she sobs into shoulder. She's been trying to call me for days. They all have, but right now I want to mourn my loss alone. Casey pulls back. "They know about the baby," she tells me quietly, "Melinda did an autopsy and she found it." Tears well in my eyes again as I think about the child that I'll never get the chance to meet because that chance was taken away by a drunken fool who decided that he could still drive, despite being almost twice the legal limit. It makes my skin crawl just thinking about it.
The ground is damp. The cold of the earth which now houses my love chills my skin through layers of fabric. The area around me is quiet now, the sun is beginning to slide lower towards the horizon. As the air grows cold around me I sit, cemetery workers have silently covered her coffin with soil. I watched as the wooden box that housed the most important woman in my life was buried under six feet of dirt. I watch as they arrange the flowers from the service over the mound under which she rests. There are dozens of them, all beautiful like her.
It's cold now. The sun has dipped below the horizon and the moon has risen. Creatures of the night are calling to each other, and still I sit. My body is frozen in the present, my mind trapped in the past in its attempts to hide from the future. I trace the edges of her grave with my fingertips, then lift them to my lips, kissing them softly before dropping them back to the earth. "I love you Liv, and I'll never forget." Wiping the tears from my eyes, I struggle to my feet, finally gathering the courage to turn my back on the past so I can concentrate on the future.