Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of the Abyss, or Tales of zee Abisu. However… I do own ASCH! HE'S A SECRET MEMBER OF THE REVIEW CREW! MWHAHAHA!
Tales of the Shoopuf!
Chapter 1
Luke's Seventh Birthday Planning!
It was almost time for Luke's seventh birthday! Yes, I realize that he has the PHYSICAL age of a 17 year old, but he is actually SEVEN! And if you are still confused as to how a 17 year old could actually be seven, then I suspect you haven't ACTUALLY played Tales of the Abyss at all! POSER! Go play Tales of Symphonia with your Lloyd with two L's and your Da-Kratos. Do not read another WORD of this fanfic.
Anyway, it was almost time. In fact, it was only a WEEK away! Luke had to hurry and send out invitations and decide on the theme and make party bags and all of that other stuff. But he couldn't do all of that on his OWN. That's expecting way too much from a seven year old, especially LUKE. I wouldn't expect Luke to plan how to connect the dots.
So he had MIEU to help him! ALRIGHT! Except… Mieu had exploded.
This brings us to a very popular theory known as Hayley's Theory of Explosion. If you don't know it by now, then I'm sorry to say that your education of the world must have been sub-par at the most. Still, I will inform you just the same.
I think now is the time to introduce the very popular theory called, Hayley's Theory of Explosion. See, if someone, ANYONE just isn't important and isn't going to appear more than once, they simply explode. Just like that. You know those buses that you take just ONCE in your life, and you know that bus driver? He will just simply drive off and explode when the time comes.
Mieu exploding because he's not important also had the added bonus of KILLING him because he's a little tard. Hurrah!
"But I NEEDED Mieu to help me plan my birthday party…" said Luke, sitting all alone in the manor on his bed. He didn't even know where to START with the planning! And he couldn't ask Guy for help because Guy lives in Grand Chokmah! And he couldn't ask Natalia because I wouldn't ask her for a NICKEL!
"But if I call my friends, I'll just be BURDENING them. Why should I even HAVE a birthday party?" Luke asked himself in a fit of annoying angst. "I was never meant to be born. I was never MEANT to have a birthday party. Maybe I should just forget the WHOLE thing. I wish Master Van were here. Master Van would know how to plan the PERFECT birthday party. Yeah… Master Van would… Master Van said…!"
At that moment, who should walk into Luke's room, but… TOHRU! Not. She was preoccupied with helping a bunch of other people. So the next best person for inspiring came… RANDOM TALKING SCORPION!
YAAAAAY! I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME RANDOM TALKING SCORPION!
"GET OVER HERE!" yelled Random Talking Scorpion, and then right from the door he shot out his flying needle thing and PIERCED Luke right through the chest. Just kidding. He shot out his flying needle thing but it wasn't a needle, it was sticky tac. Regardless, he pulled Luke over to him.
Poor Luke had no idea what was going on, because he didn't know about Random Talking Scorpion. He just thought he was some crazy guy in yellow ninja gear.
"Who the hell are YOU?" he asked.
"STOP BITCHING!" Random Talking Scorpion yelled and slapped Luke. "GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF! ANGST DOESN'T HELP ANYONE! LEAST OF ALL YOU!" He slapped Luke six more times and then he walked out and left the door open.
"He's right…" said Luke in that dorky Luke way, "All I ever do is whine and wish Master Van would plan all my birthday parties for me. I'm HOPELESS. Well, from now on, I'm going to change!"
"IMPOSHIBBIBLE!" cried Shoopuf Dude.
"No, I'm going to CHANGE!" Luke declared. "And this will be PROOF." And then he picked up a pair of scissors and cut off one of his little long hair thingys that's yellow at the end, JUST LIKE THAT. So now it was uneven and didn't make any sense! AWK! But it represented his desire for CHANGE, so it was okay.
"I WILL make this birthday party happen!" said Luke. "But… I can't do this all on my own… I'M NO SUPERMAN!" He walked out of his little room and in the background it repeated, 'I'm no superman!'
Luke looked to his right for someone to help but all he saw were the craters left by all the exploded random NPCs that are the worst NPCs in any game I have ever played so of course they all exploded. Then he looked to his left and he saw… PERE!
"Hi Pere!" said Luke.
"Hello Master Luke," said Pere. "I was just tending this garden. I hope you like these flowers!"
"I sure do! They're Bee-YOO-tiful!" said Luke, because now he's a short-haired, lop-haired idiot who isn't fun anymore.
"I'm so GLAD!" said Pere.
"MASTER LUKE!" Suddenly that guy whose name I can't remember, YOU know, the one who wants you to find all the books, came running up as if Luke were about to jump into speeding traffic or something. "Do not TALK to the likes of him!"
"Why not?" Luke asked. "We were just talking about flowers."
"Flowers are unbefitting talk for a noble of your status!" said that guy who we will call Alastair, since there's a guy like him in Final Fantasy 9 named Alastair. Except Alastair is actually, you know, cool. Unlike this guy.
"Since WHEN?" Luke wondered.
"SINCE EVER! FLOWERS ARE THE MOST BASE, DISGUSTING TOPIC OF LEWD CONVERSATION EVER!" screamed Alastair, and his face turned bright red and he started panting in and out as if he were about to have a heart attack.
"Wait a minute…" said Luke. "Do you HATE flowers or something? Is that why you don't want me talking to Pere?"
"Don't be ridiculous! I don't hate flowers," said Alastair and then he sort of edged to the side and stomped down on one of Pere's flower patches. "Oops," he said.
"You did that on purpose!" gasped Luke. Pere wanted to gasp too but he's just an inferior refugee from HOD, so he doesn't get to!
"FINE! I DID! AND I'D DO IT AGAIN!" Alastair yelled and started jumping up and down all over the garden. When it had been stomped into a flowery pulp, he ran off laughing and then he exploded.
"Oh no!" Pere said sadly. "My garden is ruined! I don't have a purpose anymore!"
"Yes you do!" said Luke. "Pere, you can help me plan a birthday party!"
"A BIRTHDAY PARTY?" Pere exclaimed like the simple gardener he was. "This was not spoken of in the SCORE!"
"Well, get over it," said Luke. "I need help planning my seventh birthday party and you're just the man for the job! In fact, you're the ONLY man for the job!" he added, chuckling like Kureno.
"Alright, Master Luke, for YOUR sake I will," said Pere.
"No… for the sake of all of Auldrant," Luke said gravely and Pere agreed. Even though I don't think Luke's seventh birthday party could possibly be for the sake of all of Auldrant, or even for the sake of all of Kimlasca. It's actually just for Luke's sake.
Oh well.
HOOONK! (transition purposes)
So, Luke took Pere to party-planning headquarters! His ROOM!
"I guess the FIRST thing I'll have to do is INVITE people…" Luke said out loud as if he weren't sure that was ACTUALLY what you did. "Pere, get out a sheet of paper and I'll make a list!"
"How many people will you invite, Master Luke?"
"I dunno. How many people do you usually invite?" In the past, Guy had done all this party stuff FOR Luke, but then again, Luke didn't HAVE any friends back then, so this was still all new for him.
"Oh, I'd say about twenty-five. Just speaking from personal experience," said Pere, because at his birthday parties in Hod, he'd always had a TON of friends, being an insanely popular Pere and all.
"TWENTY-FIVE?! Okay," said Luke, since that meant twenty-five presents! Yippee! So he started his list! Of course, I won't talk about him MAKING the list. I'll just show you the list! IT SAVES TIME!
Asch – Asch was first on Luke's list! Luke wanted Asch to be first because he wanted Asch to know that Luke is always thinking of him and Luke only wants him to be happy and wouldn't it be nice if Luke and Asch could reconcile their differences and all sorts of other nice things like that? It SURE WOULD!
Tear – Tear was second on Luke's list because she was always watching him except for times when she wasn't. Like right now, for instance.
Guy – DUUUH. I mean, come on. Everyone invites Guy to their birthday parties. I invite Guy to MY birthday parties.
Master Van – Even though Van screwed Luke over in the worst way ever, he STILL wanted him to come to his birthday party! BECAUSE MASTER VAN SAID… YEAH, MASTER VAN SAID… MASTER VAN SAID TO DO IT!
Natalia – He invited her just in case anyone got afflicted with a status effect! But no one ever will, so I suspect he just invited her so she wouldn't bother him about it later!
Anise – Because every party needs a loli!
Arietta – Because every party needs ANOTHER loli!
Largo – ("Why not invite ALL of the God Generals?" Luke decided in what is quite possibly the worst idea ever. However, he was running out of people he knew! So then he just started to list them! Most of them were dead. OH WELL!)
Legretta – She could provide… GUNS!
Dist – And he could provide… AWESOMENESS!
Sync – And of course, who else could provide… AKASHIC TORMENTZORS?!1
ASLAN FRINGS! DA-HUCK!
Brigadier General Cecille
General McGovern
Emperor Peony
Pedro
Noel
Shoopuf Dude
Unicorn
Balthier
Pere
Mieu
Peppy Hare
Professor Nebilim
"I can't THINK of anyone else!" said Luke, glaring down at his list. "At this rate, I'm going to have to invite someone from DAATH!"
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
"What about the Colonel?" Pere asked.
"Uh…" said Luke uneasily. "I don't know… the idea of getting a present from Jade kind of makes me uncomfortable."
"But Jade is your FRIEND!" Pere reasoned. But is that true? Does Jade Curtiss Balfour the Necromancer REALLY have any friends? I mean, maybe it wasn't pointed out enough times to you throughout the game, but NO ONE knows what the man is thinking! Maybe he really isn't thinking at all! In any case, I doubt that he's thinking of his FRIENDS! If he even REGARDS them as that. I think he regards them more as playthings.
Hey, but in a way, Jade is like Luke's father! He should be there, making the party plans and buying all the decorations and making sure all the party bags have an equal amount of candy in them! What an irresponsible dad! The NERVE!
"Whatever, I'll invite him," said Luke. "But he BETTER not make fun of anyone!"
"HA, LIKE THAT'LL EVER HAPPEN!" the whole world laughed.
"Okay, now I have my list," said Luke, and wiped the sweat off his brow that had formed. "This is HARD. Now what?"
"You'll have to send out the invitations! But first you'll have to decide upon the theme of the party, so you can know what kind of invitations to buy," said Pere.
"Wait, wait, wait… THEME?" Luke said in a bewildered voice. He had never heard of this… THEME!
"You know, like a cowboy theme or an astronaut theme or a Lion King theme," said Pere, and then sighed when Luke gave him a look that clearly said, 'HUH?' "The theme is what the decorations of the party center around! For example, if you had a clown party, all the invitations would have clowns on them, and the cake would be a clown cake, and you'd have a clown come to the party."
"OH," said Luke. "I get it!" Then he frowned. "I guess I just never bothered to LEARN about Birthday party themes… man, there's so much I don't know. I'm HOPELESS."
Pere didn't say anything, because he couldn't very well AGREE that his master was hopeless. Instead, he asked, "What kind of theme do you want for your party, Master Luke?"
Luke thought and he thought and he thought! NOT! He knew right away what kind of party he wanted!
"A Master VAN themed party!" Luke chuckled like Kureno. "That would be the perfect kind!"
"Um… I don't know if they sell Master Van themed birthday supplies at Party City," said Pere. "What kind of theme do you want as backup, just in case?"
Luke shook his head. He just couldn't imagine a party NOT themed after Master Van! It was incomprehensible! I mean, think about it. Most kids grow up with Pokemon or Star Wars. Luke didn't have any of that. Luke grew up with Master Van. Master Van is his childhood obsession and it's not like he's an adult yet.
"NO!" he shouted in a random fit of long-haired Lukeness, "WE HAVE TO HAVE A MASTER VAN THEMED PARTY! IT'S THE ONLY KIND I WANT! I'M THE AMBASSADOR, DAMMIT!"
"Very well, sir," Pere sighed. This is not going to be good for my arthritis, he thought to himself and there was warm chuckling from a sudden laugh track.
And so Luke and Pere made their way to Party City. WHERE is Party City in Baticul you ask? Why, it's right above your NOSE, silly! (chuckles like Kureno) All you have to do is put a PS1 memory card with a FF7 save in the second slot, then go to one of the SEPHIROTH! There, you will actually meet Sephiroth and fight him! It's EPIC! After that, Sephiroth will give you all 24 of the 1/24 soldiers, and you take them to Baticul and they make a bridge that leads to Party City! Hooray!
As they made their way to Party City, people kept giving Luke STRANGE looks, because his hair looked amazingly… stupid. However, Luke thought they were just admiring his resolve to CHANGE, so he smiled and waved foolishly.
"Luke Fon Fabre getting a retarded haircut was not predicted in the SCORE!" some random person gasped and everyone else gasped and they all exploded.
"Here we are," said Pere when they reached Party City. He opened the door and that silly synth choir quit their wailing and Party City music began to play! I don't know exactly what kind of music that is, but it's certainly partylicious!
"WELCOME TO PARTY CITY!" screamed an employee we'll call Party City Tony from the cash register. He LOVED working at Party City! He did a backflip over the register and then raised his hand up for a high-five! "I'M SO GLAD YOU MADE IT HERE!"
"Why?" Luke asked. "I'm just a REPLICA."
"…WHAT KIND OF AWESOME PARTY ARE YOU GUYS GONNA HAVE?!" Party City Tony enthused, ignoring Luke.
"Master Luke's seventh birthday," said Pere.
"ALRIGHT!" yelled Party City Tony. "SEVENTH BIRTHDAYS ARE THE BEST!" But how do we know he doesn't say that about ALL birthday parties? How do we know he's really being sincere? We don't. We just don't. "WHAT KIND OF BIRTHDAY IS IT GONNA BE?!"
Pere was about to quickly say something like penguins in the hopes that Luke's request would be ignored, but he was too old and voiced NPC-ish to get the job done.
"A Master VAN party!" Luke exclaimed.
"Master Luke…" said Pere, getting ready to put up with a whiny tirade, but all Party City Tony did was yell, "ALRIGHT!" again and cartwheel off, leaving poor Pere to just stare.
"Did he actually act like you just made a reasonable request?" he murmured aloud.
"It IS a reasonable request," said Luke.
Pere was just about to gently explain that it was NOT, when Party City Tony came catapulting back carrying a ton of Master Van themed birthday decorations. There were cards with Van-related puns, and balloons shaped like Van's pineapple-shaped head, and a pineapple-flavored cake shaped like Van's head, and a Van pinata, and of course, a pin the goatee on the Van.
"WE ALSO HAVE A MASTER VAN IMPERSONATOR! WOULD YOU LIKE FOR ME TO GIVE HIM A CALL?!" Party City Tony asked.
"No, THAT'S okay," Luke chuckled like Kureno. "I'm going to have the REAL thing!"
"Wait… you seriously carry Master Van themed birthday supplies?!" Pere exclaimed, unable to hold in his astonishment.
"OF COURSE!"
"Van Grants, from the destroyed island of Hod?"
"THE VERY SAME!"
"…do you carry PERE-themed birthday supplies?" Pere ventured.
"PSSH, YEAH RIGHT!" laughed Party City Tony. "WHO WANTS A PERE-THEMED PARTY WHEN YOU COULD HAVE AN AXEL OR A VAMP THEMED BIRTHDAY PARTY?!"
Who would INDEED? And so Pere meekly aquiesced to this knowledge with a bowed head and a heavy NPC-voiced heart. Meanwhile, Luke bought a ten thousand gald's worth amount of Van-related items from Party City Tony. He even bought a Master Van-shaped bouncy house! Now everyone could bounce around inside Master Van like his… organs… or… something…
Yeah…
ANYWAY! Luke bought a ton of crap. He didn't have to worry about the cost because he's RICH and Baticul pays for all of it, MWHAHAHA! He's not in ENGEVE anymore! Eat it, Ashley!
"ALRIGHT! I'LL DELIVER ALL THIS THE DAY BEFORE THE PARTY!" said Party City Tony after Luke had finished.
"Can I have the 25 invitations NOW?" Luke asked.
"DUR, OF COURSE!" said Party City Tony and forked them over. Then Luke and Pere left and Party City Tony screamed, "HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!" And then he exploded and Party City was taken over by That Buddy Barn Guy, looking to appear in every Shoopuf story I ever write in my life, and was renamed Buddy Barn Party City. But don't worry. Luke will still get all his Master Van birthday stuff. That Buddy Barn Guy may take advantage of the exploding, but he does NOT take advantage of those associated with them.
"NOW what do I do, Pere?" Luke asked, clutching the twenty-five Master Van-themed birthday cards.
"You address each of the cards and then you SEND them, Master Luke," said Pere, trying hard to hide his disdain at the question. I mean, come on. That just sort of takes logic.
"I didn't know. I'm hopeless," said Luke in the same way he always does, and then he immediately brightened up. "Okay! But first let's get something to eat. I'm starving!"
"You've already spent so much gald today, Master Luke… why don't you cook a meal for yourself?"
"The only thing I have three stars in is a sandwich and I'm not in a very sandwichy mood," Luke chuckled like Kureno. I wonder what the three stars sandwich looks like? I mean, it has to be a pretty gosh darn impressive sandwich to garner THREE stars. And as a side note, am I the only one who finds it disgusting that Anise puts strawberries in her sandwiches?
So Pere and Luke went to the ONLY place in Baticul for fine eatin's… DON Pablablahs! Yes, since I, Hayley, now live out in the middle of nowhere country instead of the bustling urban city, you must put up with what I put up with.
"I've never eaten at Don Pablablahs before!" exclaimed Luke excitedly, then he sighed, "I'm HOPELESS."
"Hrm," said Pere, whose patience was starting to be worn thin by Luke's self-derision. But he loved him some Don Pablablahs, so he didn't complain. Of course, THIS Don Pablablahs would never match the SUPERIOR one found on the isle of Hod.
Luke and Pere walked into Don Pablablahs. There was a little Mexican man statue in a sombreo that held a Mexican flag! No, I don't know HOW Mexican food got popular in KIMLASCA. I assume it was all Panchos fault.
"GASP!" gasped some random front clerk lady. "MASTER FABRE! Your coming was not foretold by the SCORE!"
"GASP!" gasped a bunch of nearby people.
"No," Luke agreed, "because I'm a replica and NOTHING I do is foretold by the Score."
"Okay!" said the random clerk lady, not understanding a single word he said since it is incomprehensible not to follow… THE SCORE. "Well, table for how many?"
"Two," said Luke.
"GASP!" the lady gasped again. "Sir Fabre taking a table for TWO was not foretold by the SCORE!"
"GASP!" all the people gasped again.
"Will you be paying in cash or credit card?" the lady asked.
"Cash."
"GASP!"
(THIRTY MILLION 'GASP'S LATER!)
"This food is fantastic!" said Luke, "I never bothered to APPRECIATE it before! I'm –"
"Hopeless," Pere muttered under his breath. He was starting to get just the tiniest bit SICK of Luke Fon Fabre.
"I'm going to order another sophapia," said Luke, and, even though they don't HAVE these at Don Pablablahs, he raised up a little flag. A waiter we'll call Waiter Kelsey came running up.
"OH EM GEE! Luke Fon Fabre putting up his flag was not foretold in the SCORE!" shouted Waiter Kelsey.
"OH EM GEE!" shouted all the other people eating.
"YES. I already EXPLAINED to you that I'm not a part of the Score," Luke said, trying very hard to keep his waning patience.
"Oh yeah, that's right. What would you like, sir?" asked Waiter Kelsey.
"I'd like another sophapia PLEASE!" Luke exclaimed just like Cartman.
Waiter Kelsey clasped his hands to his head and made the scream face. "OH EM GEE! Luke Fon Fabre is ordering ANOTHER sophapia! This was not foretold in the –"
"THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU IDIOTS! DEVIL'S INFERNO!" Luke screamed and blew up the table, Pere, and Waiter Kelsey in a circle of FLAME! Then he gathered up his Master Van themed cards and walked out of the restaurant, WITHOUT paying! GASP! But that was okay, because everyone at Don Pablablahs exploded. Including Pere, because, well, I'm afraid Pere is just not a very strong voiced NPC character, no matter WHAT medium he appears in.
"Oh no! Now Pere's gone!" said Luke. "Now I'm all alone! I never should have blown him up with Devil's Inferno. But… Master Van said… yeah, Master VAN said…!"
"How many times are you going to USE that excuse?!" a random voice shouted.
"Oh, I don't know, maybe a couple more weeks – wait, who are you?" asked Luke, whirling around in circles in order to find the SOURCE of this mysterious voice.
"The one who's going to make your BIRTHday something WORTHthetimeofday," said the voice, and then a shadow leapt down from a nearby building and revealed itself to be a mysterious figure! This is what the mysterious figure looked like:
Amarant wearing sunglasses!
"WHOA! You're TALL!" said Luke, since the mysterious figure WAS about seven feet tall.
"Some have said that of me," said the mysterious figure.
"Why are you HERE?" asked Luke, even though the mysterious figure had basically just told him that.
"I'm going to make your seventh birthday party the best damn birthday party the galaxy's ever seen," said the mysterious figure. "And I'll kill anyone who gets in my way. That includes YOU. So watch it."
Now, why in the WORLD would anyone be so determined to make Luke's seventh birthday party the best one in the galaxy that they would go to the point of KILLING that replicated fool? Well, I hope you're not too curious, because Luke sure wasn't.
"Alright! But what should we call you?" Luke asked, even though there was only him.
"…some call me the Flaming Amarant," said the mysterious figure.
"Okay! Well, I'll call you Steve!" Luke chuckled like Kureno.
Steve stared down at Luke from his sunglasses. "…uh…" he said after an awkward pause, "but SOME call me the Flaming Amarant."
"What should I do NEXT to make this the best damn birthday ever, Steve?" Luke asked as if Steve hadn't said anything.
Steve sighed. "Whatever. Well, sending out those invitations would probably be the best option."
"How do I do THAT?" Luke asked.
"What do you mean? It's simple!" Steve snapped. "You just write down the name of the person, the RSVP information, then send it out to their address. How could you not know that?"
"You're right, Steve. I'm hopeless!" said Luke.
"No, it sounds like you're just stupid," said Steve.
So, Luke and Steve went to the Buddy Barn Postal Service, since they were the only ones that didn't make a big deal about Luke doing things that weren't predicted in the SCORE! Once all that was done, Luke took Steve back to his mansion and they started to plan out the decorations and other stuff like that. However, I'm afraid this chapter has gone on for long enough, so you may not bear witness to it.
Will Luke's seventh birthday party be the best damn seventh birthday party ever? Will everyone receive their invitations? Even the DEAD? Could Jade possibly NOT make fun of Luke on his birthday? Could Jade possibly not make fun of Luke on ANY day, for that matter? Find out next time, on DIGIMON, DIGITAL MONSTERS!
OMAKE!!
Hi there! My name is Hayley Wallace. You may or may not know me. My money is on the latter. But if you DO know me, you probably do from my other fanfiction, such as Shoopuf Basket or Shooball! And what's more, you may HATE me for starting such other fanfics as Shoopuf Society and Melodies of Shoopuf and NEVER updating them!
Well, I have explanations for that, which I made up just this very second.
Shoopuf Society – YOU try making fun of a series that gets ten new characters every chapter, each one of them being impossibly AWESOME, and see how far YOU get! And if you DO get far, then feel free to feed me my feet!
Melodies of Shoopuf – I'm not quite ready for Cid to STOP suffering his life as a fruit bat!
So there you go. Explanations. And now, some things you should know!
There are three things I hate. In this order.
Shelinda
Teddiursa
Epona
DO NOT EVEN SPEAK OF THEM TO ME!! ARGH!
In this Omake section, you can ask QUESTIONS about anything, whether it be the story, the author, or the confusing plot of Chrono Cross! Your questions will be answered by the Review Crew! EVEN THOUGH WE DO NOT REVIEW ANYTHING, WE STILL DEMAND TO BE CALLED THE REVIEW CREW!
Hayley – – Sarcastic, talking purple Wooper. Please ask questions of him at your own risk.
Bigfoot – Lovable lug.
Ask us questions! Receive answers and abuse! And if you don't feel like asking US questions, then BY GOD, WE WILL SMITE YOU DOWN! Just kidding. If not, then why don't you ask LUKE FON FABRE questions? He's going to be our first special guest next chapter!
So, until next time, (and this time, there shall BE a next time), everyone look forward to Persona 3 and college together!
JA!