This story is going to be very different from anything else I've written. There is going to be a lot of angst, as well as a lot of situations that some people may not be comfortable reading. There will be cheating, drug use, and alcohol abuse. This story is about a very imperfect Edward and Bella and their journey. I promise that they will end up together in the end, but it will be a bumpy ride.

This is unbeta'd. However, if anyone is interested in helping me by pre-reading chapters and giving advice, I would appreciate it. I've never written anything like this, so I would love to have an opinion on chapters before I upload them. PM me if you would be willing to help!

I have no set update schedule. My other two works in progress (Off Limits and Masquerade) are almost finished – just a few more chapters for each one. This story is not completely written. Right now I have this and an outline. I am hoping to update once every week, but it just might not happen. So please be patient with me.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. The lyrics belong to Hinder. Only the plot is mine.

Better Than Me

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder

Wish I never would've said it's over

And I can't pretend

I won't think about you when I'm older

'Cause we never really had our closure

This can't be the end

I really miss your hair in my face

And the way your innocence tastes

And I think you should know this

You deserve much better than me

Better than Me by Hinder

EPOV

I woke from yet another restless night full of dreams of Bella. I thought that over the years the dreams would fade, but they never did. She was still the star in every dream and every fantasy that I had. My beautiful Bella. I lie in bed and thought about the first time I tasted her.

We were in the bed at her house, and I was on top of her as I kissed her sweet lips. She was so goddamn sexy laying underneath me, with her body molding to mine. My shirt had been thrown off earlier so that I was only wearing my jeans, and Bella was underneath me, wearing nothing but a scrap of lace that she called panties. I was hard and throbbing and the sounds coming from Bella were making me ache for her.

I kissed my way down to her chest, where I flicked my tongue across one nipple. She moaned out loud, encouraging me to continue. I sucked on her right breast while my fingers played with the left one. Bella's hands were in my hair, pulling at it as I sucked and nibbled. I knew that I was going to leave marks, but I didn't care. I wanted to mark her as mine.

I kissed across her stomach and ran my tongue across the top of her panty line. I felt her intake of breath and looked up at her. Her big brown eyes were wide, staring at me, as I slowly peeled her panties down her legs. We had never done this before, had never gone this far, but I wanted her. I needed to taste her and make her cum with my mouth.

Once her panties were off I looked up at her again to be sure that she was okay with what was about to happen. She nodded at me and I brought my face down to her pussy that was already so wet for me. I could see the arousal on her thighs and I inhaled deeply, wanting to forever remember the pure smell of Bella. I finally flicked out my tongue and ran it across her slit. I felt her tremble beneath me and her hands once again flew into my hair.

"Please, Edward. Please," she begged me, and I knew that I would give her anything that she asked for.

I continued to lick her as she begged me for release. I brought my tongue up to circle her clit as I slid one finger into her tight pussy. Fuck she felt so good and I couldn't even begin to imagine how much better it would feel once I was finally able to slide my dick into her. I continued flicking my tongue over her clit as I slid my finger in and out of her. She was getting louder and her hands were tugging on my hair hard, but I didn't care. She tasted so good and I wanted her to cum for me. I kept my finger in her and brought my mouth away from her and blew across her clit. That did it. She froze underneath me as I felt her pussy tighten and then she came with a scream. I licked her juices as she came down from her high and then placed a soft kiss on each of her thighs.

The sound of my alarm interrupted my memory of Bella and I groaned as I rolled over to turn it off. As much as I still thought about her and dreamed about her, I knew that I had to stop. I had given her up all those years ago, and she had moved on. And in just two days she would no longer be Isabella Swan. Instead she would be Isabella Whitlock.

I had to shake my head at the complete irony that was currently my life. Bella and I had dated for two years in college. We were each other's first everything. I loved her more than I thought was possible to ever love someone, and I wanted to spend my life with her. But things didn't work out at all as I had planned. I made too many mistakes to count and after two years, she had had enough. She gave me an ultimatum: change or lose her. I was young and dumb and had no interest in changing my lifestyle, so I told her that it was over. She walked out of my life and never contacted me again. That was seven years ago.

About a year after Bella left, I finally realized that change was exactly what I needed. I had hit rock bottom and was disgusted with the person that I had become. I went home to see my parents and I told them everything. With their help I was able to get back to the person I once was, the person that Bella had fallen in love with. But by then it was too late. I didn't know how to reach out to Bella and explain things to her. I was ashamed of my behavior and the things that I had put her through. I thought that she had to be better off and decided to let her live her life without me. It was the hardest decision that I ever made and one that I knew I would never fully get over. But I wanted her to have someone that was better than me. What I didn't know was that the person better than me would end up being the man that became my best friend.

Jasper Whitlock and I met three years ago through Emmett, a mutual friend. Emmett had put together a fantasy football league and arranged for all of us that were in it to meet at his house for the draft. Jasper and I hit it off immediately. While I was the uptight rich city boy, he was the laid back Southern gentleman. He and I started hanging out and before I knew it, we had a strong friendship. Jasper knew only a little of my life in college and the girl that I let get away. I never told him her name or many details, and he knew not to pry. So imagine my surprise a year ago when he introduced me to his new girlfriend.

I was at Jasper's house and he was waiting for his girlfriend to get there so we could all go out for drinks. She and Jasper had been dating for about six months, and I had yet to meet her. I was sitting on his couch playing the Xbox when I heard the door open and I knew his girlfriend had walked in. I felt the air shift around me and I was immediately assaulted with the smell of strawberries. It made me weak in my knees because it was the scent that I had always associated with Bella. I had to pull myself together before I walked into the kitchen to greet Jasper's new lady.

The moment I laid eyes on her again, I knew that I was in trouble. She had changed, but to me she was still the same beautiful girl that I had fallen in love with all those years ago. Her long brown hair was still flowing down her back, but it had some highlights in it that caught the lighting. Her face and body still looked the same, but instead of the jeans and t-shirts that I was used to seeing her in, she had on a form fitting dress and killer high heels. She was the older, more mature version of herself, and I was close to losing it. I saw the shock on her face when she saw me, but she quickly hid it and reached out her hand to introduce herself to me. It was obvious that she had no intention of telling Jasper the truth and neither was I. The minute I felt her hand in mine, I felt the same current of electricity that I always had when we touched. I knew then that I couldn't handle being around her, not when she was with someone else. I quickly made up a story about being sick and rushed home.

Luckily for me I didn't have to see Bella very much with Jasper. He told me that she was an author, so she was constantly traveling for book tours and signings. She used a pen name to write under, and it almost killed me when he told me the name that she had picked. Charlee Masen. I knew that she had chosen the name Charlee for her dad who had raised her. Jasper even told me that much. He said that she never gave him a reason for choosing Masen, but I knew the truth. My full name was Masen Edward Cullen, and I knew that it wasn't a coincidence that she had chosen my first name. I just didn't know what it meant, and I never had the opportunity to ask her.

I drug myself out of my memories and headed to start my day. There were things that I had to take care of before that night. It was Jasper and Bella's rehearsal dinner, and as the best man I was expected to be there. I had no idea how I was going to sit through a dinner that was dedicated to the upcoming marriage of Jasper and Bella, but I knew that I had to try. I had made my choice and because of it, Bella had moved on. She seemed happy, and I refused to do anything to take that happiness away from her.

The rehearsal dinner was pure torture. Bella looked absolutely beautiful in her red cocktail dress. It was form fitting and stopped mid-way down her thighs. I couldn't stop staring at her and my dick was constantly hard. I wanted her. I wanted all of her. I wanted to fuck her and claim her as mine once again. But I knew that wasn't going to happen, so I excused myself early from dinner and went home.

I had no idea how I was going to make it through the wedding. I sat at my house after the rehearsal dinner and drank whiskey straight from the bottle. Even the alcohol couldn't erase the images of Bella. I thought about the way she looked when I would fuck her, when she would suck my dick, when I would whisper in her ear all the naughty things that I wanted to do to her. But mostly I thought about the way I imagined she would look as she walked down the aisle, only in my fantasy it was me waiting for her at the other end, not Jasper.

I was working my way through the bottle of whiskey when I heard a knock on my door. I figured it was Jasper or Emmett, and I wasn't nearly drunk enough to deal with either of them just yet. But my car was in the driveway so whoever it was knew I was home. I made my way to the door and yanked it open, but then stopped and stood frozen in the doorway. Bella.

She was still wearing that same red dress and she was biting her lip. She was nervous. I just stood there, drinking in the sight of her. I didn't want to speak because I was afraid that she would disappear and I would realize that this was just an alcohol-induced dream.

After what felt like an eternity I heard her say my name. I snapped my eyes up to meet hers and saw the blush on her cheeks. She knew that I had been unabashedly checking her out.

"Can I come in, Edward?" She asked and I nodded. She walked past me and then just stood in the foyer. I shut and locked the door, waiting for her to say something. I was still holding the bottle of whiskey, and she took it from me. I thought she was going to set it down, or maybe poor it down the drain like she used to do, but instead she brought the bottle to her lips and took a long drink.

After she finished, she set it down and said "I needed that to do what I came here for."

Before I could ask what it was she came for, she pressed her body against mine and tangled her fingers in my hair. She yanked my head down so that her mouth could press against mine. I immediately wrapped one arm around her waist and fisted the other hand in her hair. I kissed her for just a minute before I pulled back to look at her.

"Bella, are you sure?" I asked and she nodded. She looked at my lips as she licked her own and then she said the words that she knew would drive me crazy. "Please, Edward. Take me."

That was all it took. My control snapped and I crashed my lips to hers. I was desperate for her, and I could tell that she felt the same way. We were both biting and licking and fighting for control of the kiss. She still tasted the same and I briefly wondered if she would taste the same everywhere. I pulled gently on her hair, forcing her head back so that I could kiss down her neck. Her shoulders were bare and I bit into one, causing her to cry out, but I knew that it wasn't from pain. Bella still liked it rough and I was going to give her what she wanted.

I slid my hands down her sides and pulled her dress up so that it was bunched around her waist. Then I put my hands under her ass and lifted her so that her legs were wrapped around my waist. This put her hot pussy right against my erection and we both groaned at the contact. Even through her panties and my pants I could feel how wet Bella was and I couldn't wait to be inside her again.

I walked us to my bedroom and placed her down on the bed. I stood up and unbuttoned my shirt, tossing it in the corner. Bella sat up and began to undo my belt and pants. Seconds later she had completely stripped me down and had grabbed my cock with her hands. She was pumping it with her fist and then she leaned down and licked the tip.

"Fuck, Bella!" I exclaimed as I felt her warm mouth around my cock and she looked up at me with a sly grin before she began to suck my cock. No memory that I had could compare to what it really felt like to be in Bella's hot little mouth again. I placed my hands in her hair and guided her, showing her the speed that I wanted, that I needed. She was happy to give me what I was asking for and within minutes I was cumming down her throat. Bella swallowed every last drop and then raised up on the bed so that we were eye level again.

"You still taste so good, Edward," she said to me before claiming my lips with her own. I opened my mouth to her and could taste the mixture of myself and Bella and it was so perfect. Even though I had just cum, I was getting hard again. I had to be inside her.

"You still have on too many clothes," I said to her as I unzipped her dress. I slid it off her body and then she was right in front of me wearing a sexy black lace bra and underwear. She had put on a little weight since the last time we were together, but it was in all the right places. She was still slim, but her breasts and hips were fuller. Fuck she looked good.

"Undress me, Edward," she begged me and I happily obliged. Within seconds she was laying underneath me completely naked. Before she had a second to even think, I brought my mouth to her pussy and began sucking on her clit.

"Oh fuck, yes!" She exclaimed and bucked her hips closer to my face. It was heaven. She still tasted so sweet and I was like a starving man. I kissed, licked, and nibbled at her swollen pussy, pushing her closer and closer to the edge. Just as I felt her orgasm start, I pulled away and slammed into her with my cock.

"Edward!" She screamed, as she came around my cock. I could feel her tightening around me, and I was a goner. I thrust in and out of her as fast as I could, never letting her completely come down from her orgasm. She was flushed and had her eyes closed as she raked her nails down my back. I could see the mark that I had left on her shoulder earlier and the image was too much for me. With just a few more thrusts I came inside of her.

I collapsed on top of her, trying to catch my breath. She was trembling underneath me and I knew instinctively that it was from the intensity of what just happened. Sex had never been this good with anyone but Bella. After I caught my breath I gently kissed her cheeks, her eyes, her lips. She smiled and snuggled her head against my chest. I rolled over and brought her to my side. The feeling of having her in my arms again was the best feeling in the world. I knew that she was already asleep and as I drifted off beside her, I quietly whispered "I love you."