As the silk mists of early morning rolled gently and serenely down the grounds of Taplows, Emily had taken it upon herself to inspect the house. For over an hour now she had been inspecting the work of the maids, and as she left the earls morning room, after being extremely disappointed with the condition of a George II mahogany tea table, Emily found herself strolling along the corridor outside the Earls office, casually trailing a slender finger along the top of a walnut and oyster laburnum chest, looking for dust, when, suddenly she walked smack bang into a fine-looking stranger.
"I say! Look where you're going why don't you, you stupid maid" said the stranger furiously. "MAID! IM NO MAID" Emily replied just as furiously. "I am the butler's mother, and I demand you to treat me with some respect Sir!"
"Oh I do apologise Madam," said the stranger, for the first time looking deep into her cerulean eyes. "Well, its not your fault I suppose" said Emily with a softened expression in her eyes as she stared back, as, in the back of her mind, she recognised those sea green eyes, they were, oh good grief… "Archibald! What on earth are you doing here!" she exclaimed as she recognised the Earls fine-looking face, "surely it's been nearly 44 years since we last met?"
"Emily, my dearest loveliest Emily, I thought I would never see you again, you have no idea how much I have longed for you for all these years," whispered the Earl, as he grasped Emily's hands bringing her knuckles to his lips as he kissed them tenderly. "But, tell me, what are you doing here? At Taplows of all places!" he asked as he gently led her into his exquisite office.
"Well, Baldy - I can still call you Baldy can I? Well, I came to see my handsome son Walter, as I missed him so much. So after my husband died I moved down here…which does remind me, as I never thought I would see you again, I never thought id get the chance of telling you this wonderfully happy news, though it is difficult to tell you, after all this time…" she trailed off, whilst looking up at him hopefully, all words dying on her lips as she once again gazed into the deep sea green eyes of the only man she had ever really wanted.
He was such a fine, stallion of a man, the only one that could ever fulfil her primal desires, as she gazed at him she could tell instinctively that he was thinking the same as her and their lips met passionately for an all-consuming kiss as his searching hands made their way into places that hadn't been touched for many years. "Oh Emily" grunted the Earl breathlessly, "how I have waited for this moment again", "Oh Baldy, take me! Please!" she whispered. And with that, the Earl precariously lifted Emily onto his George III mahogany partners' desk, and there they set about using muscles and positions that hadn't been used for many a year……………..
Meanwhile, as the Earls mahogany partners' desk was straining in a rather precarious way under the weight and movements of the Earl and Emily, Flora and Jarvis were walking down the corridor holding hands, merrily giggling about Mrs Diggins and the continued lust filled looks that Mr Simpkins kept sending her.
However, just as they turned the corner at the end of the passageway containing the Earls office, they heard some high-pitched squealing… "What the hell is that noise" barked Jarvis "Sounds like bloody pigs, how would they have got inside?"
"Well, it sounds like its coming from the Earls office Walter" replied Flora, "I will not tolerate pigs in this house! Its just not good enough Walter, why do awful things keep happening to me?" she asked, as her sapphire eyes filled with tears, and receiving only a shrug from Walter, she stormed off down the corridor, marching straight into the Earls office.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Flora screamed, as she saw her future mother in law in a position that she had not even had the courage to try yet, as well as seeing more than she would ever want to in her wildest nightmares of the Earl, before collapsing in a dead faint on the oak floor.
Quickly, Jarvis hurtled in after her, before speeding to a stop and vomiting with disgust into the nearest marble covered fireplace. "Mother!"
"Oh, dear, Jarvis! How embarrassing" stuttered the Earl as he quickly did up his trousers and Emily frantically pulled her clothes on. "You see, your mother and I…"
"I will explain this, thank you Baldy" Interrupted Emily, "Walter, stopped looking like a wet fish, I am a woman and I have needs you know! And anyway, the Earl is your real father" and with that she walked out of the room.
Inside the marvellously exquisitely decorated office, an ominous silence had fallen between the Earl and Jarvis, amidst the regular groans from Flora from the floor.
Jarvis was staring at the Earl with a complete look of distaste on his face at the thought of not only the man doing all things biblical with his elderly mother, but also the shock of finding out that his whole life had so far been a darn lie.
On the other hand though, the Earl was taking in the reasonable looks of his newfound son and wondering why he had never seen the likeness between them before. Granted the butler was no wear near as handsome as he was, but the earl put that down to the class he had been brought up in, rather then his obvious good breading. He became filled with glee with the knowledge that, at long last, he had found his heir and could get rid of that dratted Caroline, and with no more ado, he marched up to Jarvis and grasped him in a manly hug, which, try as he mite, Jarvis could do nothing to get out of.
At this point, Flora started to stir from her unconsciousness, and as her blurry vision cleared she saw her fiancé in the arms of her employer, she thought that she was still dreaming, so fell unconscious again to dream of disturbed images involving Walter, the Earl, Emily and a rubber chicken.
However, just as Jarvis began to squirm a little too much in the Earls arms, the Earl realised what his son had become…. "A bloody butler, that's all you are," he expounded as he released Jarvis. A look of repulsion on his rich handsome face, "If you think you are getting any of my money you are mistaken" he yelled at a visibly shocked Jarvis, "Get out! And take that bloody snoring fiancé of yours with you! I will discuss this matter with your mother this evening" and with that he practically manhandled Jarvis and Flora (who he had rudely awakened with his shouting) out of the room, before collapsing back on his Louis XVI walnut chair to contemplate the new development in his life… "A son… Walter…and an heir" he thought, "shouldn't a parent love unconditionally, even if they are a member of the revolting working classes, maybe I should change my will, leave all my estate to my son…"
As the light began to fade, the Earl sat in his office pondering the future of his estate after the shocking revelations and more pleasurable physical exertion of the afternoon. Was it right for him to bequeath everything to his illegitimate, working class son? And if it were surely Jarvis would have to marry an aristocrat rather then that Irish floozy. Or should he keep trying to get that Scottish fox Rebecca into bed? It was a dilemma! As he struggled to drag his sagging miserable body up on to his two feet in order to pace the floor and fill his empty glass with another shot of fine scotch, it suddenly occurred to him that he was old, very old and the chances of getting a pleasant young filly down the aisle and up the duff were slim, about as slim as Lord Julian getting to know Lady Caroline in the biblical sense. So, with a weary heart, he summoned the nearest footman and ordered for his lawyer to be dragged out of Tappleton to alter his will.
Later on that evening, the Earl called a meeting between Lady Caroline and Jarvis with the purpose of telling them all the news. "What's going on Father?" demanded the hugely spoilt Lady Caroline as she stomped into the office, with Jarvis hot on her heels (who had desperately hoping not to see the Earl again quite so soon after the somewhat interesting position that he had had the disgust of seeing him in that morning!)
"Well, my dear…you see…it's like this…" Stuttered the Earl, as his fear of his daughter bubbled up into his throat preventing him from spilling the news, but, he thought to himself, soon she's not going to be my predicament – I will conquer my fear and spit it out…. "Well, the thing is…. Quite… err… when all's said and done…the butler is your illegitimate half brother and I've now left him everything in my will"
A stunned silence followed this revelation as time stood still, before all hell broke loose, as Jarvis slumped to the floor in a dead faint at the thought of so much money and his own butler. Lady Caroline jumped at her fathers throat whilst picking up the nearest book and started bashing him over the head with it screaming "but its my money, mine I tell you – MIIIIIIIIIIIINE!"
That night, after Fred and Joe had persuaded Lady Caroline that murdering her father with a copy of Great Expectations was not a good idea, and had carried her to bed with the aid of Lady Mary's straight-jacket and Jarvis had been revived with the aid of some smelling salts and a few racy promises from Flora. The Earl had finally made it into his George III mahogany tester bed, with moulded cornices, after downing another bottle of exceptionally high quality whiskey in celebration of his newfound son. However as his snores reverberated around his bedroom and his dreams floated between images of Mr Benjamin the horse, Emily Corey and a horsewhip, another female was trying to make her way into his room……
Mrs Stanwick had, for sometime been contemplating the idea of finding a way into the house, and, having spied a light in the Earls bedroom, decided to give it a shot. So, after a quick drink she took off to the Earls balcony before sauntering into his bedroom through the open window. Once inside the bedroom she peered around and following her nose, followed the stench of alcohol and made her way onto the George III mahogany tester bed, not quite used to the softness and unusual texture of the bedcovers, she stumbled across the blanket before reaching the somewhat firmer target of the Earls head.
However, the sudden movement of the Earl stirring in his sleep frightened the poor bird and she started to desperately peck at his head for fear of being attacked. However, astonishingly enough, this woke the Earl from his slumbers and in his drunken panic at seeing a huge bird trying to eat his eyes he threw the empty whiskey bottle left by his fruitwood side table, (an excellent find in Italy) at the bird, missing completely, but unfortunately hitting the late Regency mahogany and ebony-strung cheval dressing mirror which fell to the oak floor with a huge clang, which in turn knocked over the Regency, mahogany bookcase, with moulded arched and tracery astragals, creating a domino effect knocking down each piece of furniture in the room until finally coming to rest on the huge oak cupboard with arched panelled doors, which sat next to the Earls George III mahogany tester bed which creaked ominously at the weight of the other pieces of furniture. By this time the Earl had fallen back into his drunken stupor, which unfortunately for him had terrible effect of him not hearing the final groan of the huge oak cupboard as it collapsed onto his George III mahogany tester bed. The Earl was left breathing his last breath under a pile of exquisite antique furniture, a way any good god-fearing English earl would want to go. After the dust had subsided, a shocked and shaken Mrs Stanwick crept out of the ruins untouched and darted down the hallway after at last succeeding in making her way back into Taplows and punishing her owner for all the hardships she had endured.
While Mrs Stanwick was wreaking her revenge upon the Earl, Lady Caroline was making plans; she wanted that money and was going to stop at nothing till she got it, even if it meant murder, incest and deception……………….
The next day after the shock of the Earls untimely departure from our planet, Lady Caroline was putting phase one "Operation Getting My Money Back", (perhaps she should of spent more time thinking of a better plan title) into action.
Sauntering sweetly into the regency styled drawing room, with a tiny vial of arsenic in her hand she went and perched on her husbands lap. "Why, Caroline…….urghhhhh" moaned Julian as she woke him from his snooze with an attempted gentle nibble on his ear. "What are you doing?" he questioned her, startled at the sudden contact from his wife. "Cant a wife give her husband some affection once in a while Juliey?" she replied, "Here, let me get you another glass of brandy" she said, picking up his empty glass, strolling over to the decanter and pouring him out a large double (or maybe even triple) before deftly emptying the contents of the vial into it. "Here you are my love, enjoy," she whispered in his ear while passing the deadly brandy to him. And with that she strode out of the room, not even looking back at her husband as he began to drink the deadly brandy.
Well, not many households would be up to the task of dealing with two deaths of the aristocracy in 24 hours, but the Taplows staff managed it without a hitch. Due to the hectic turn of events, Jarvis had hardly had time to ponder his new found fortune and family. In 24 hours he had found a father, lost him to a murderous sick and twisted peacock and inherited a fortune – what more could a man ask for? Hmmmmm, a glass of brandy with Flora would be good, he mused to himself, yes and maybe his top hat could be used, oh and the……….. but before he could think any further, Lady Caroline appeared at his doorway with a bottle of brandy in her hand. "Oh, Lady Caroline, was there something you needed?" he asked, automatically reverting into the role of butler, forgetting that he was now her equal and the new Earl.
"Oh brother" she replied "you are all that I want, here have some brandy, I have heard how much you enjoy it" and with that, she poured a generous helping of brandy into his empty glass, along with a sleeping powder that she had secretly slipped into the brandy before hand. A few minutes later, the butler was fast asleep, snoring to a regular beat and dribbling on his gorgeous waistcoat. After checking that he was dead to the world (sleepwise) Lady Caroline took a good look at him, taking in his fine muscular body and handsome good looks – It was no small wonder that they were related really, when she thought about it, both having fine figures and somewhat godlike looks. Anyway, after a rather loud grunt from Jarvis, she was startled out of her thoughts and began to put the next stage of the plan into action, with the help of two, very strong stable hands who had been promised many delights in return for carrying the unconscious butler to the church………………
The next morning, Jarvis woke with a loud snort, on the cold floor of the church with his hands tied behind his back around the alter and the concerned looks of the Rev Postleberry and Lady Caroline peering at him. "Are you alright my darling?" asked the concerned lady "urghh, urrrrr, I'm….fine…….what the hell is going on?" exclaimed the shocked butler as he tried to take in his scary surroundings, but also half drugged and confused.
"Don't you remember my love? It's our wedding day! Oh I'm so happy – it was such a wonderful surprised when you proposed last night, and having the church already booked" she squealed in delight, before planting a huge kiss on Jarvis' astounded lips. "but…but but" he stuttered, trying desperately to remember last night but failing hopelessly, while his amnesia played up causing him to completely forget about Flora, his new but now dead father and the way in which he had just woken up. He thought to himself that Lady Caroline would never make something like that up, he was the butler, she wouldn't want to marry someone below her station, unless she really did love him so she must be telling the truth……
Meanwhile, back at the house a disgruntled Flora was searching high and low for Jarvis, who had failed to turn up in her room again last night, pondering on whether he had got lost, found a better offer or got trolleyed with too much alcohol, she tearfully made her way through every room, closet and cupboard in the house before calling a staff meeting in order to find out where he was… "So no one has seen Mr Jarvis – is that right" Flora questioned the lower servants.
"Well this is a problem, from now on everyone is removed from their normal duties to look for him, I must find him, I must" she repeated to herself in a whisper, trying to remove the awful thoughts of how she could possibly cope without him and his amazing talent in the……..,
"Excuse me…..Mrs Ryan….helooooooo" interrupted one of the maids, trying desperately to get Mrs Ryans attentions as her eyes had taken on a glazed look and was beginning to dribble. "Mrs Ryan!" the maid yelled, pinching her on the arm.
"Oh" she jumped, "sorry, I was miles away, what is it Griselda?"
"Well, its like this Ma'am, well I've just remembered and you see, last night I saw Bill and Ben the twin stable lads dragging something that looked like a body in the directions of the church, and I could swear that I saw Lady Caroline skipping behind them with a……." but before she could finish, Flora was away, running for her life in the direction of the church….
Inside the church however, the service was proceeding. Lady Caroline was thinking to herself just how well "Operation Getting My Money Back" was going, not only had she procured a handsome new husband (even if he was her half-brother) but she had also got rid of that waste of a space father and previous husband in just one day! Jarvis was also having a little think as Rev Postleberry was droning on about for better or for worse, why oh why would Lady Caroline want to marry him? Whatever would her father say? Surely he would be fired…..but then it hit him, his mother and the Earl in flagrant, the revelations, the brandy – Lady Caroline was nothing but an evil toff – he had to get out of here….
At that moment he tuned back into what was being said "Do you Mr Jarvis?" asked the Rev.
"Do I what?" he snapped, "Take Caroline to be your lawful wedded wife" he replied.
"No I certainly do not" said Jarvis, and immediately began to dash for the front door of the church. But as he began to run, he realised that whilst his feet were moving, he wasn't, and he tripped and fell with a crash to the floor. Not only had Lady Caroline previously tied him to the alter, but she had also tied a rope around him, attaching him to the pew, but in his somewhat distracted state of mind he had yet to notice this.
"There, there Wally" said Lady Caroline as she consoled the now sobbing Jarvis as she tried desperately to crawl away from this madwoman. "It will be alright, all you have to do is to marry me and then we will have all the money and babies that we could ever wish for" she shrieked in excitement leaning in and dragging him to his feet, with a disturbingly mad glint in her eye, as Jarvis began to scream with horror, and the Rev began to hum "All creatures great and small".
Outside however, Mrs Ryan had just arrived at the front door, panting madly and completely out of breath. Hearing the heart rending screaming of her fiancé she wasted no time and hearing the steady drone of "Are there any persons here present……" she knew that her moment had come and she stormed into the church yelling "I OBJECT".
Inside the church there was a deathly silence as Lady Caroline turned in shock at the intruder, Rev Postleberry dropped his bible and Jarvis sank to his knees in a blubbering, relieved wreck. "How dare you!" hissed Lady Caroline "This is my wedding day – what gives you the right to barge in on it?"
"Well its quite simple my dear" replied Flora venomously, "not only have you stolen my fiancé, you are also marrying your brother, which quite frankly is sick and wrong, but to top it all you drugged him last night when I was looking forward to a good slurp of brandy with him!"
"Right, that's it" screamed Lady Caroline "Carry on Rev, I will just deal with this Irish hussy" and she leaped from her position in the aisle running to the pair of swords hanging conveniently on the church wall. Flora, seeing her intentions got there just as Lady Caroline ripped one from the wall, and as Flora grabbed the other one, all the time in the background Rev Postleberry carrying on with the service as if nothing was amiss. Meanwhile, the two women were circling each other preparing to strike with the swords, then, in a flash, Lady Caroline leaped towards Flora aiming to strike at her dress, but in an instant Flora had blocked her and knocked her on her back, immediately Flora jumped on her and sat on her preventing her from moving whilst screaming at the top of her voice for the footmen that were waiting outside.
"Take her away boys" she ordered as the footmen arrived, complete with Lady Marys overused straight-jacket to cart Lady Caroline off to the nearest asylum, before strolling over to Jarvis and using the sword, nimbly slicing his ropes and helping him to his shaken feet. "Oh Walter, I was soooooo worried" she cried, throwing her arms around him, "all the awful things that she could have done to you, not least the incest, you must have been so scared"
"Oh I was Flora, I was, what would I have done without you to save me from her evil clutches, You're my hero!" he told her, with a lustful glint in his eyes, as, for all the terror that he had just felt, he couldn't help notice the way Flora had used that sword, now that could come in useful one evening, perhaps with some string…………..
That evening, after all the fuss had died down, Jarvis had had a bath and Lady Caroline had been removed from the vicinity, for good. Flora and Jarvis were sitting in the drawing room contemplating their new found wealth, for now, neither of them would have to work ever again, and could devote their time to each other and the process of making babies. Flora reached over to stroke her fiancés face "this is just what we need Walter, now we can be a happy family, forever!"
And they lived happily ever after.