A/N: This story idea came to me while I was stuck on the last chapter for Unscripted Love, because I came across a quote by chance. This quote is by G.K. Chesterton. And it remained so persistently in my mind that I just had to write it. A companion piece to Drifting Affections. Set some time between that story and the other companion piece, Back to You. It went on longer than I planned, and somewhere along the way, I got stuck on how the story should flow. But I guess I still got it out in the end, with not much mishaps, I hope.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto and all its characters.
'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' - G.K. Chesterton
Five years ago
Sixteen-year-old Iruka tied his forehead protector in place and adjusted his uniform. Checking his weapons pouch, he made sure his supplies were well-stocked up, before he turned to the backpack on his bed. He ran through the stuff inside the pack once more, to make sure he did not leave out anything that he would need for his two weeks long mission.
He was nervous. He had just made chunin two weeks ago and this was the first time a B-rank mission had been assigned to him. It wasn't anything complicated. He and his teammates would need to infiltrate one of the villages located near the borders of Konoha, find a scroll that their informer had hidden and return with the scroll.
The village they were planning to infiltrate was not a shinobi village. But Iruka and his teammates had been duly warned that there could be other shinobi who could have heard of their retrieval plans and might be lying in wait for them, and that the mission could escalate to an A-rank anytime.
Iruka was almost glad that the jounin leading the team was someone he was familiar with. Genma-senpai would have lots of experience in dealing with unexpected circumstances.
He was so immersed in this thoughts and nervous about what would happen, that he did not notice the presence by his bedroom door. So when he heard someone clearing their throat in an attempt to get his attention, he almost jumped in shock. He spun around and found a grey eye watching him in amusement.
"I fear for you if you are going to go on a mission with that distracted mind." Kakashi stepped forward and poked the tanned forehead with a masked finger.
"Senpai!" Iruka swatted at the finger and scowled. Kakashi laughed.
The newly instated chunin snorted before quietly observing his ANBU gear-clad senpai. He frowned.
"Are you going on a mission?"
Kakashi nodded, as he settled at the edge of the bed. "Yeah. And I heard you are going on your first B-rank. Thought I should come over and see if you have got everything prepared."
"I'm not a kid anymore, senpai! I can take care of myself."
"Sure you can." The ANBU captain grinned under his mask. Then the cheery face turned solemn. "But still, you need to be very careful. B-ranks are way too different from the C-ranks and D-ranks you are so used to. I still can't believe they are sending you on a B-rank already when you have just made chunin."
Iruka frowned a little at the concern. Kakashi always had the utmost confidence in him, no matter what he did. But this time, the older youth was actually worried about him going on a B-rank mission. Surely, it can't be that bad.
"Listen to Genma, all right?" Kakashi reached out a gloved hand and ruffled the soft, brown hair. Iruka nodded docilely.
"And here, keep this for emergency." The silver-haired teen pulled out something from his weapons' pouch and handed it to Iruka.
The chunin took the tube from the gloved hand and turned it over, reading the tiny words on it. "What's this?"
"A quick healing ointment for lacerations." Kakashi stood from the bed and ruffled the younger teen's hair again. "Only available for ANBU personnel."
Iruka gasped when the words set in and he stood and grabbed the gloved hand anxiously. "Then what about you?"
A silver brow rose. "What about me?"
"You are giving this to me." Iruka gestured wildly to the tube in his hand, then to his former caretaker. "Then what about you? Do you… I mean… What happens if… you…"
"I have another one." Kakashi cut in, before Iruka could continue with his babbling. "You don't have to worry about me. Just remember, listen to Genma and don't rush into things, all right?"
Iruka nodded, a little too enthusiastically in an attempt to set the silver-haired nin's mind at ease. Kakashi raised a silver brow and contemplated silently for a minute before he stepped away and headed for the open window.
"Well, I've got to go. See you when you are back."
Iruka forced a grin despite his nervousness and gave another nod. Kakashi took one last glance at the younger teen before he put on his ANBU mask and leapt out of the window.
Iruka panted harshly as he stumbled through the foliage heading for home. His dishevelled hair fell across his face and shoulders in loose strands and his vest was coated with a thick layer of blood. The copper smell made him sick, almost to the point of throwing up.
A heavy hand landed on his shoulder, as someone stepped up beside him. Iruka was startled by the sudden contact and he couldn't help the jump and harsh gasp that escaped his throat.
"Iruka, are you all right?" Genma eyed him with worry, even as he kept his feet moving forward in the direction of home. He knew that they had probably lost their enemies the moment they entered Konoha's forest, but that doesn't mean they had the luxury to stop somewhere and rest. After all, there could still be a surprise ambush waiting for them somewhere – just biding the time for when they let their guards down.
Iruka watched his senpai with frantic eyes. The jounin's left arm was bandaged, having sustained a cut from an earlier battle.
It seemed, that the warning they had gotten before they left for the mission was not uncalled for. There had indeed been a group of enemy shinobi lying in wait for them when they had went to retrieve the scroll. A battle had broken out over the tussle for the scroll and it had been a bloody battle.
Iruka nodded nervously as he tore his gaze away from Genma. It was taking him all of his control to not break down then. His knees felt like they were going to give way anytime and his hands would not stop shaking. And every time he closed his eyes, he could still see the slit throat, the glassy dead eyes and the lips parted in a silent scream. He could still hear the sickly sound made when the lifeless body fell to the ground and the way the overwhelming stench of blood choked him.
He almost sagged in relief when he saw the giant red gates leading into the village coming into sight. He badly wanted to scrub every single part of his body and get rid of the blood that was clinging to him so persistently.
But his legs chose that moment to disobey him. Iruka stumbled and would have fallen flat on his face if not for a quick arm that grabbed him. And the next thing he knew, he was pushed against a tree and someone loomed over him.
"Iruka, calm down." Genma spoke softly, trying to soothe the teen. He casted a glance behind him and waved for the other two chunin who were on the mission with them to head back into the village first. One of them was looking as shaken as Iruka was, and the other chunin was supporting him.
"It's all right, Iruka. It's all right." Genma casted his gaze down as Iruka pressed the back of his hand against his eyes and cried. "I know how it feels. I had been through that before." Turning his head towards the village, he tugged at Iruka's hand, getting him to move.
"Come on, we need to get back into the village." He eyed the teen worriedly, before he added. "You shouldn't be on your own tonight. I will bring you to Kakashi."
The words didn't register as the firm hand guided Iruka through the village gates. The chunin was too lost in his own anguish.
Kakashi felt the distressed chakra signals before he even heard the knock on the door. The worry set in as he got up from his couch and headed over to open his door.
He was stunned to see Genma supporting a distraught Iruka who had gone limp in the honey-haired man's arms. Stepping aside, he allowed Genma to half-support and half-pull the younger teen into the apartment.
The long-haired jounin set Iruka down on the couch and then walked over to where Kakashi was standing by the door. Casting a quick glance at the chunin who had curled up into a ball and choking on sobs on the couch, Genma signalled for Kakashi to step outside.
"Genma?" Kakashi frowned, not remembering another time when he had seen Iruka so utterly shattered, other than when his parents had died.
"First kill." Genma took in a shaky breath. "We were attacked when we retrieved the scroll. A fight broke out. He killed one of the enemies. Rather messily, I would say. There was blood everywhere." The specialist rubbed his temple. "It didn't help that the one other chunin I was assigned with went into a panic attack after he had killed another of the enemies. I think that distressed Iruka even more."
The ANBU captain nodded in understanding.
"I don't think he should be on his own tonight. Or for the next couple of days while he recovers. He had always been more comfortable around you, so I thought I would bring him over for you to keep an eye on."
"I understand." Kakashi let out a sigh far too heavy for his young age. "I won't be on any missions for the next few days. I will watch him."
The twenty-year-old stepped into his apartment and closed the door behind him after Genma had left. He felt a sense of déjà vu, as he eyed the distraught teen huddling on his couch. He had seen this scene before, except that this time, it was a much older Iruka and the reason for breaking down was different.
He walked forward quietly, stopping in front of the brunette. Reaching forward, he raised a hand and placed it on the top of Iruka's head, offering him the silent comfort.
How long he stood like that, he had no idea. But gradually, he felt the harsh sobs softening into low whimpers, though the light tremors remained in the smaller body. Kakashi crouched down and pulled Iruka's hands away from where he was hugging his knees. He glanced into the red-rimmed eyes and slowly reached up to remove the forehead protector.
"It's all right."
Iruka stared at him dazedly for a moment, before the tears spilled from the brown eyes. His breath hitched as he tried desperately to stop his cries.
"I killed someone."
Kakashi sighed, standing up and moving to sit beside the younger teen. He laced his fingers together and studied the tear-ridden face.
"And you will continue doing that." He spoke quietly. "This may be the first time you take a life, but it won't be the last. That's the harsh reality of being a shinobi."
"I… I can't." Iruka sobbed. "I don't want to do this again. Why do we have to kill each other to resolve issues? Why do I have to do this? I've got nothing against them!"
"To each his own." The ANBU captain rubbed his face tiredly. "We serve different masters and different purposes. Everyone has their own agendas. And sometimes, killing is inevitable when we need to fulfil our goals."
"Why?" The question tore harshly from the young teen, as the tears rolled down his cheeks. "Why…"
"To protect what is important to us." Kakashi smiled dryly. "Remember what I told you when we first met, Iruka? In the world of shinobi, it's either you kill or be killed. If you do not spill your enemies' blood and seal their deaths, you will be courting your own. In our world, being merciful to a killing machine that is not our own is a fatal mistake. When you show mercy towards your enemies, it will sometimes result in more deaths than just your own."
The tears had stopped, and Iruka was looking at his senpai through swollen eyes as the older youth spoke. His hands clenched tightly and he turned away, shutting his eyes to stop the tears from coming out again.
"Is… Is there no other way?"
"Maybe someday there will be." Kakashi reached out and pulled a strand of loose hair behind Iruka's ear. "Maybe someday, everyone can exist in peace, and shinobi will no longer be needed. And there won't be any of the violence, fighting, or killing that comes with it."
"But before that day comes, we will have to continue to fight and protect." Kakashi spoke with a wisdom that told of how much he had been through. "Remember this, Iruka. The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him."
The teary brown eyes that stared into the single grey one was finally focused, as the words captured his attention.
"If in the darkest nights, you find it too hard to bear with the reality of having killed someone, then remind yourself why and who you do it for. Your love for the village and the people in here, and your desire to protect them is what pushes you to fight, and sometimes when the need arises, to kill. That in itself, is an honourable act for a shinobi."
Despite the trembling that he was still feeling, Iruka felt a new sense of resolve coursing through him at Kakashi's words. After a long moment, he swiped away the tears with the back of his hand and gave a shaky nod.
"I understand, senpai."
"I know you do. You are quite the smart kid." Kakashi smiled softly. "But knowing and accepting are two different things. I had been through this. The first kill won't be easy to get over or forget. It takes time, but I trust you have the strength to overcome it."
Iruka took in a deep breath and nodded again, even as a new set of tears rolled down his eyes. Kakashi stood from his seat and gazed down at the teen with empathy.
"Despite all I've said, I want you to remember this too, Iruka. Don't ever kill senselessly or without purpose. Our purpose is what ties us to our village, our people and our sanity. If you lose that, you will lose yourself and become nothing more than a killing machine." Kakashi smiled at the face that had turned up towards him, processing what had just been said. "I don't want to see that happening to you."
"I will keep your words in mind, Kakashi-senpai." A small smile finally graced the young face, though the voice had turned hoarse from the earlier breakdown. "I will hold them close and abide by your shinobi code."
Five years later
Iruka stumbled through Konoha's forest, dragging his feet along, as he headed for home. He struggled to breathe normally and to get his raging heartbeat under control, but his efforts were not met with much results.
He smiled wryly, not understanding why that particular memory from the past had been dredged up when he was supposed to be on a mission, though it wasn't unwelcome. In fact, it gave him the strength he needed to continue home.
Perhaps it was because of the similar circumstances that he was going through now, that made him think back to that day when he had made his first kill and the words that his senpai had spoken.
Or maybe not. He had been on a B-rank mission with a team then. But this time round, he was on a solo C-rank mission. The only similarity was that, it was also a mission that had gone wrong and ended up with him fighting against four enemy shinobi over the tussle for the scroll he was sent to retrieve from the daimyo of a neighbouring country.
He had managed to kill two and wounded the other two, before getting away, though not without injuries. But he knew that he was lucky to get away with only some cuts, considering that there had been a jounin among the group of whom he deduced were made up of mostly genin. If it had been a team consisting of all experienced chunin or even jounin, he doubted he stood a chance.
An image of glassy dead eyes flashed into his mind, as he recalled the battle from earlier on. Iruka gasped and leaned against a tree, to stop his shaking knees from giving out on him. His raised his trembling hands before his eyes, surveying his enemies' blood that was covering his hands from the fingers to the elbow.
He let out a self-loathing laugh. No matter how many times he had killed, he could never get used to it. The silent screams, blank eyes, and faces twisted in masks of pain will always haunt him in his dreams and waking moments. Maybe even when he's dealing with his academy students. His students reminded him too much of the genin he had encountered earlier.
The chunin pushed himself off the trunk, as the painful memories invaded his mind. He forced himself to shut down his brain and not think about anything more, as he stumbled forward, trusting his feet and his instincts to take him to the safety of his home where he can break down in privacy.
Kakashi stepped into his apartment and was instinctively aware of someone in the house. He checked his lock, but it was still intact with no signs of it being tampered. And neither had any of the traps he had placed around the house been triggered. The silver brow furrowed in deep thoughts.
Asuma was probably the only one who could disable his traps by the front door. But the bearded jounin didn't have the key to enter. And the only other person who could enter without triggering the traps and whom he had given a key to was Iruka. But the chunin was on a mission and wasn't expected to be back for another day or so.
Pulling a kunai from his holster, Kakashi stepped further into the room, stretching out his chakra to feel for any traps or threats that might be lurking in the darkness.
He was slightly startled when instead, he felt the definite pulse of an irregular chakra signature – something so familiar that he couldn't possibly miss it or ignore it.
Apprehensions set in. Kakashi treaded cautiously towards the direction of his bedroom, and it was only when he was outside the door, that he heard it.
The water in his bathroom was running. His eye wide in surprise, the jounin stepped through the threshold of the bedroom and headed towards the adjoining bathroom. His hesitated by the door, as he stretched his chakra again to confirm his suspicions.
And he felt the familiar chakra signature again. Heaving a sigh of relief, the jounin turned away and pulled off his vest and forehead protector, leaving it by the dresser before he walked back to the bathroom door. He knocked on it gently.
"Iruka? Is that you inside?"
There was no sound, other than the running water. Kakashi knocked a few more times, before worry set in. Was Iruka badly injured? Did he fell unconscious in the bath?
Deciding that second guessing things wasn't in his nature and certainly wasn't going to help the current situation, Kakashi tested the door, only to find that it wasn't locked. Stepping in silently, so as not to startle the younger man, the copy nin moved into the bathroom.
He was stunned at the sight of Iruka sitting fully clothed in the shower stall, with the water cascading over him. The small frame was trembling and Kakashi instantly moved forward to turn off the tap, but not before realising that the water was cold.
"Iruka, what are you doing?" Grabbing a towel from the rack, Kakashi stepped forward and wrapped the cloth around the drenched chunin.
What he didn't expect was Iruka to shriek from the contact and pushed him away. The jounin managed to gain his foothold from the shove and eyed the younger man carefully.
Iruka's eyes were wide with fear and the red around the area of the expressive orbs were evidence that he had just been crying. He was hugging his knees to his chest and his hair had come loose from the hair tie, the strands plastering to his face and neck. The jounin vaguely wondered if the trembling in his lover's body was due to the cold or distress.
'Post-mission stress?' Kakashi frowned as he stepped forward again, this time more cautiously. He crouched down before the younger man and watched him with a soft look in his eye.
"Iruka, it's me."
It took a moment of trepidation, before a flicker of recognition appeared in the brown eyes. Iruka reached out a hesitant, shaking hand, which the jounin caught and grasped on comfortingly.
"Ka… Kakashi?"
"Yes." The jounin stood and pulled Iruka with him. When the younger man's knees buckled, Kakashi was quick to pull him into his arms and supported his weight. He ignored the way the water was seeping into his own dry uniform, focused only on comforting his lover, as he ran a hand soothingly along the chunin's back.
"What happened?" Kakashi whispered into the crown of brown hair. Iruka let out a harsh sob, before he shook his head. The jounin sighed and slowly pulled away. He was startled when Iruka clung on to his shirt desperately to stop him from moving.
"Iruka, let's get you dried up first. You will fall sick if you stay in those wet clothes." Kakashi tugged down his mask and leaned forward to give the chunin a reassuring kiss. "I'm stepping out for just a bit to get you something dry to change into."
Iruka nodded jerkily, though Kakashi doubted that the younger man actually registered what was being said. But the tanned hands that had been holding on to him previously slowly relaxed their grips and released him.
Kakashi turned and stepped out of the bathroom, heading straight to the section of his wardrobe where he kept Iruka's clothes from the times he had stayed over. Pulling out a pair of soft slacks and a long-sleeved shirt, he headed back to the bathroom, where Iruka was still standing quietly and motionlessly. The jounin got to work quickly, removing the wet clothes and drying Iruka's stiff body, before he urged the younger man to put on the dry clothes. Then putting an arm around Iruka, he gently guided the chunin out of the bathroom.
He sat Iruka down on the bed and pulled out the first-aid kit, as he began to delicately dress the visible wounds on Iruka's arms and body.
"Kakashi…"
The hoarse voice made the jounin regard his lover with worry.
"I'm sorry…" Iruka sobbed.
The apology threw the copy nin into a whole new round of confusions. Quickly finishing up attending to the wounds, he set the kit aside and captured a tanned hand in his. His other hand reached up and cupped the chunin's cheek.
"What happened?"
Iruka shook his head, as tears fell from his eyes and his frame shook with anguish. Kakashi watched the brunette for a moment before deciding that Iruka wasn't in the condition to speak now. Standing up from his position, he gently guided his lover to lie down. He pulled the covers over the younger man and leaned down to press a kiss on the forehead.
"Hush. You are tired. Get some sleep first."
Iruka nodded as he swallowed hard and closed his eyes, slowly feeling his senses coming back to him. Slipping further down under the covers, he inhaled his lover's scent, which made him feel so much safer. He felt a gentle hand slipping through his brown tresses, trying to relax him further. Then gradually, the hand moved away and he heard footsteps heading towards the direction of the bathroom. A moment later, the bathroom door clicked shut.
Kakashi shifted through the pockets, removing items from Iruka's discarded clothes before putting them into the basket with his own wet clothes for washing the next day. He frowned, having had a good guess as to what could have put his younger lover in such a state of distress and he hoped he had the means to comfort his lover.
He had no idea though, why Iruka had turned up in his apartment that night, apparently having just returned from his mission. And a very bad one at that. After his ordeal with Mizuki a few months back, Iruka had taken a while to recover, both physically and psychologically. And during that recovery period, he had spent most nights in his older lover's home. But ever since he had been put back on the fields and started being sent out on missions when he had no academy duties, the chunin hadn't turned up at his home after missions, often opting to clean up himself and dress his lacerations in his own apartment before visiting the older man. Despite what they had shared between them, Iruka was still sometimes too frustratingly polite.
But Kakashi knew he had to be patient. After all, Iruka was just beginning to have more faith in their progressing relationship after years of having harboured his deep infatuation towards the older man. And Kakashi knew that after having Iruka waited for him for so long to have him reciprocate the interest, it was only fair that this time, he should be the one to wait for the chunin to put down his apprehensions and take another step forward in their relationship.
He had seen his patience paying off little by little. Iruka had been taking tentative steps forward, starting with dropping all honorifics and spending nights at the jounin's house without the older man's request for him to do so. The big step forward had been when they had exchanged keys to their respective apartments, crossing the boundaries they had been so hesitant about before.
And tonight, having Iruka coming to his place after a mission, only made the jounin wondered if they were finally moving past that last bit of hesitations that the academy teacher had and bringing their trust towards each other to a whole new level. Kakashi knew that ever since Iruka had made his first kill five years ago and broke down in front of the then ANBU captain, the chunin had never again turned up in his apartment, even after horribly bad missions. Iruka had his pride as a shinobi and he didn't want Kakashi to see him breaking down every so often.
The jounin had respected that bit of privacy, even after they were together, though he sometimes wished Iruka would share the burden. More than anything, it assured Kakashi that Iruka trusted in him completely and unreservedly enough to the point of baring all his weaknesses for the older man to see.
Gathering up Iruka's possessions which he had retrieved from the chunin's wet clothes, he left them on a shelf by the towel rack to dry them. Pulling on a new set of clothes, he stepped out of the bathroom, only to find that Iruka was no longer lying on the bed.
Silently, he turned towards the door and stepped out of the room, where he found Iruka sitting quietly on the couch, staring blankly into nothingness.
Kakashi moved towards the kitchen and made a cup of tea, which he brought before Iruka and laid it on the coffee table. The chunin glanced at him as he went about his task before moving to the couch and sat beside Iruka. He pulled Iruka into his arms, tucking the younger man snugly against him. Running a hand along the tensed back, he tried to get the chunin to relax.
Iruka's eyes fluttered close as he listened to the strong and steady heartbeat from the chest he was pressed against. He brought his hands up tentatively and wrapped them around the stronger body, feeling himself gradually relaxing against the older man's ministrations.
"They were so young." Iruka finally whispered, his hands fisting the jounin's shirt, as he tried to keep the horrid images out of his mind. "Not much older than Neji or even Naruto. And those two are still in the academy."
Kakashi did not say anything as he pulled his lover closer and clasped his hand over a shaking, tanned one.
Iruka's breath hitched as he recalled that moment when the fight broke out.
"One of them came at me. I acted out of reflex." Iruka shuddered, burying his face deeper into the jounin's shirt. "I nicked him in the arm, I think. Then someone else came at me. Someone with much higher skills. A chunin, or maybe even a jounin."
"Then all four of them surrounded me. I fought and one of the children tried to stab me with a kunai. I retaliated and everything happened so fast after that. By the time I realised, I had already stabbed him in the throat. There was so much blood. He didn't even have time to scream before he died."
Kakashi nodded in understanding as he moved his hand to run through the chunin's hair in a comforting gesture.
"And then I fought the jounin. I managed to corner him. I could have gotten him, but he grabbed one of the genin and used her as a shield just as I was about to wound him. I couldn't stop in time and the kunai went through her chest. And then, the jounin and the remaining genin just left her and ran off." Iruka broke off, when the sobs choked him. Kakashi tensed in anger at the cowardice of the jounin that his lover had encountered. But even through the anger, he remembered his distressed lover in his arms. He tightened his hold on the younger man and whispered reassuring words to the trembling chunin.
"She cried out for her mother to save her before she died." Iruka sobbed. "I could hear the fear in her voice. She was so young. She would have a bright future ahead of her if she hadn't been a shinobi."
"Hush… It's not your fault." Kakashi closed his eyes and cradled the younger man in his arms. "You did what you had to do."
Iruka clung on tighter to his lover, as he bit his lips to keep in the anguished cries. The tears fell from his eyes and the only thing he knew that was keeping him from falling deeper into the darkness was the tender voice whispering into his ears and the warm arms holding on to him tightly.
Kakashi reached forth and swept away a loose strand of hair, as he watched the younger man slept beside him in bed, having finally succumbed to the fatigue and the post-mission stress. He pulled the chunin closer to him and pressed a light kiss on the lips, his eye soft with a gentleness reserved only for this special person before him.
He knew that it would take Iruka a while to recover from this. And the last time he had witnessed Iruka breaking down after his first kill, the young man had very bad nightmares for a few nights straight. Kakashi had no doubt that Iruka might go through it this time too. But still, he hoped that his presence would be able to soothe his lover a little.
And as he tucked the chunin's head under his chin, he made a silent promise that he would be there to support Iruka through this difficult time.
Iruka woke when the first sunlight shone into the room and the first thing he saw was the sleeping face of his lover, who had his arms securely around him. Lifting a hand, he traced the tired lines on the older man's face.
A pale hand caught his wandering hand and Iruka let out a soft, startled gasp. The grey eye opened and regarded him with a mix of amusement and worry.
"Slept well?" Kakashi kissed the back of the tanned hand.
Iruka stared at the man for a moment, before he belatedly realised that he had not had any of the nightmares that would always plague him after a bad mission. Slowly, a small smile formed on his face and he gave the older man a reassuring nod.
"I did." He leaned hesitantly against the warm chest, before whispering softly. "For the first time."
"I'm glad." Kakashi ran his fingers languidly along his lover's back, feeling the pleasant tremors that ran through the smaller frame.
"But you didn't sleep." Iruka wrapped his arms around the jounin's waist in gesture of apology. "I'm sorry."
"One night isn't going to kill me." Kakashi pulled back slightly and gazed down at the brown eyes looking back at him. "How do you feel now?"
Iruka let out a bitter smile, remembering how he had broken down before the older man the night before. He shook his head. "I don't know." He whispered hoarsely. "I don't think I can ever get used to doing this. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a shinobi." A soft sigh was heard. "I'm sorry, Kakashi."
"You said that last night too." The jounin stroked a tanned cheek. "And I've got a feeling that this apology wasn't because you think you had intruded on me, which I might add, that you did not. So, would you like to tell me why you keep apologising?"
There was a pause and Kakashi could sense the hesitancies. Then, Iruka spoke softly.
"You told me before, that in the darkest of night when I can't bear the reality of having killed someone, I just have to remind myself of the love that I have for the village and her people and that I fight and kill, to protect them." Iruka closed his eyes. "But I can't. I can't follow your advice and justify myself for killing someone. I'm sorry that your advice is wasted on me."
Kakashi was stunned, but not for long as understanding slowly took over. He pulled the younger man back into his arms, a soft smile gracing the pale face. "I can't believe you still follow so rigidly what I told you so many years ago."
Iruka chuckled softly, but the jounin could still sense the bitterness behind that cheery sound. "I hold on to every single word you had said that night after I made my first kill. Those words were what kept me going all these years. But the only thing that I could never adhere to, no matter how hard I try, was to justify my actions."
"You don't need to." Kakashi muttered softly. "You are a fine shinobi in your own right and you have your own set of rules that you want to keep to. You don't have to justify your actions. None of us do. We just know in the back of our mind why and who we do it for. But if you are not comfortable with doing that, then do something that you feel at ease with."
Iruka looked up, and straight into the affectionate gaze his lover was giving him. "Just don't guilt yourself more than you already feel and slip into your own darkness." The jounin reached for his lover's hands and held them in his, giving them a comforting squeeze. "And I want you to remember, that when it's too much to bear, you still have me. Don't take it all on your own. The burden will feel lighter when two people are sharing it."
Tears clouded the brown eyes. Iruka stared at his lover, unable to speak for a full minute from the surprise he got when the jounin had said those few sentences. Then slowly, a genuine smile formed on his face and it widened when Kakashi returned it with one of his own.
"Thank you." Iruka whispered hoarsely, leaning up to grace the jounin with a light kiss. "Then, will you promise me too?"
"What?"
"Let me share your burden too." Iruka smiled. "Not because I don't think you can't handle them. But I want to be there for you like you are always there for me."
The jounin grinned. "You have always been there for me. From the time we knew each other when you were ten and I was fourteen. You've become such a permanent fixture in my life that I can't even remember the life I had led before meeting you. And I don't think I even want to go back to a life without you." He caressed a tanned cheek. "What I'm doing now, can't even begin to compare what you had done for me."
Iruka blushed at the confession. "I didn't…"
"You did." Kakashi cut in. "You are the anchor that stopped me from drowning in my own darkness. You taught me about forming bonds, to love and to care for another person. Not those who had died, but a real, living person. I didn't think I could have any more emotions left in me, but you managed to dig them all up, and still be able to bring up other forms of new emotions. And these emotions are what made me a stronger person, because now, I have a more solid reason to continue fighting out there and keeping myself alive." He smiled. "I fight, to keep the village safe, so you will continue smiling and I stay alive, to come back to you."
"Kakashi…" Iruka choked on his sobs, though the reason for crying this time, was completely different.
"I've always wanted to tell you, but I didn't think you were ready to hear them."
"How is that even possible?" Iruka wrapped his arms around the older man. "You can't imagine how much I wanted to hear this. In fact, I didn't even think you would ever say them."
"Really now…" Kakashi chuckled softly. "I'm not that heartless."
"No. You are not." Iruka smiled though his tears. "But you have always been someone more of actions than of words. I can understand your feelings through your actions, and I'm really happy when you make the effort to show me. But these words you spoke today, hearing them kind of solidify things." The chunin leaned into the embrace. "Right now, I feel like I'm the happiest person ever. Thank you."
"Well, I guess it makes sense when they say words and actions should always go hand in hand." Kakashi rolled on his back and pulled the younger man on top of him. "I will be sure to do so more often in future."
Iruka chuckled, leaning in for a kiss. The jounin captured his lips and pulled him closer for a deep, passionate kiss of lips and tongues. Neither fought for dominance, enjoying the slow pace of their passion, as they tried to convey their feelings to each other through that kiss.
Kakashi pulled away first, though, he held his lover close.
"I have a question, Iruka."
The chunin arched an eyebrow and nodded.
"Not that I'm complaining, and I certainly hope you do so more in the future." Kakashi smiled. "But, why did you come over last night? You don't usually do that after a mission."
Iruka closed his eyes and rested his head against the jounin's chest. A small smile flitted across his face at the obvious answer he knew so well in his heart.
"Last night, when I was stumbling through the forest, I didn't really know where I was going. I think my mind just shut down on me. All I knew was that I needed to get to somewhere safe. And by the time I regained my senses, I realised I was in your apartment and you were already there."
The soft, brown eyes open and gazed into the jounin's visible one with love. "You always make me feel safe and your presence is like the harbour for me to dock when I'm sinking. Just having you around is enough to drive away all the demons. So last night when my mind shut down on me and I let my instincts took over, I think it habitually brought me here – the place where I feel the safest."
"And why didn't you do that before? I'm sure last night was not the only time you had a bad mission." Kakashi's gaze had turned solemn, as he sought the answer from his younger lover.
"Since the time we first met, I had been taking so much from you. Your time, support, advice and care. You have been my pillar of support for the longest time. Without you, I wouldn't know where I would be." Iruka casted his gaze downwards. "I didn't think it was fair to continue burdening you just because I can't deal with my emotions."
"I hope you will stop thinking that." The copy nin pressed a kiss on Iruka's forehead. "Otherwise, I will feel like all I had said today are nothing more than just pretty words. We are in a relationship, Iruka. You can't be a bother or a burden to me."
"I know." Iruka smiled blissfully, leaning in closer and inhaling the familiar scent which can always put his mind at ease. "I'm sorry I've never been honest enough with my feelings."
"It's not too late to realise your mistake." Kakashi grinned. Then the smile faded as he traced a thumb along the chunin's chiselled jaw. "You know, it might be selfish to say this. But I'm glad you were the one who came home safe from last night's mission." He leaned forward and kissed the chunin again.
"Welcome home, love."
Iruka swallowed the lump in his throat, both from the onslaught of memories from the previous night, and the overwhelming love he felt from his lover. Gracing a smile, he realised that it was indeed a selfish thought, but he couldn't help agreeing with his lover. He didn't think he could bear the thought of never seeing Kakashi again.
Pressing his forehead against the pale one below him, he whispered affectionately.
"I'm home. And I'm glad I get to come home to you."
Kakashi grinned and tightened his hold on the younger man, just enjoying the time they have together. He was glad that they finally had this conversation. No doubt, they had taken another huge step forward in their relationship with the unexpected confessions. And from here on, perhaps there would be lesser hesitations and more forthright exchanges.
And he knew, he wouldn't exchange this happiness he has in his arms with anything else in the world.