Really, with the chamber of secrets opened, students being petrified around him (and this, for once, is actually meant in the literal sense-not just describing the pupils completely irrational fear of him) and there is some obviously gender-confused nancy ponce prancing about the place with his stupid cinammon rolls and disgustingly pink robes, why is it that every thought it Severus Snapes head always ends up being about that utterly insane and absurdly infuriating pathetic excuse for a professor, Aurige Sinistra- whom everybody seems to be labouring under the (incredibly wrong) impression is his one true love- and more importantly WHY did Albus feel the need to issue all the teaching staff with a diary? Don't they have enough madness thrust upon them in each and every lesson. Does Albus get some sick twisted pleasure out of tormenting them? Git.

Although i'm not quite sure why I began writing this, I think it is safe to say I would never have been able to begin something like this if it hadn't been for the truly inspirational stories by the modern-day Shakespearettes of harry potter fanfdom-She's A Star and Twisted Biscuit (Lamenations of a starry eyed twit and Just a Random Tuesday, respectively.)

SECRETS OF A SELF-CONFESSED SANCTIMONIOUS SLIMEBALL

(PREVIOUSLY ENITLED: I SO DON'T LOVE HER!)

Friday, September 1st,

9:15 pm

Dear Diary,

Oh God. It looks even worse on paper than it did in my head.
I can't do this. I mean, a diary?

When I applied for the position of potions professor many years ago, it did not say in any bit of my contract, not even in the tiniest font (which I read of course, many a dodgy deal has been strung due to some blithering idiot who eagerly signs his initials where he's told and ends up on a pineapple and goat trading ferry, in the middle of the pacific ocean, with a mad old witch who has more hair on her chin than on her head leering down at you whilst gutting a fish… shudder but never mind, that's all in the past, I learnt my lesson thank-you very much- where was I? Ah, yes, I remember) I didn't say in one bit of it that I would have to write in a DIARY.

If it had then I would never have accepted the job. Well that's a lie, I would have had to have done, because of Voldemort's orders, but that's a story for another time. Not that there will be another time. Don't think I'll be writing to you again, because I won't. In fact, I'm going to march right up to that loony, muggle-loving, delusional, senile, crazy old coot Dumbledore and demand that he puts an end to this absurd plan before it begins.

…

I WILL!

…

DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK. I'M GOING. RIGHT NOW! YOU'LL SEE, AND THEN I'LL BURN YOU. BURN YOU AND WATCH YOU DIE, DIARY, DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

…

…

…

Dear sweet Merlin. Is this what a diary does to you? No wonder teenage girls are so emotional, just 5 minutes with this monstrosity and I've already driven myself insane.

Another argument I can put forward to Dumbledore; this diary is demonstrably very bad for my health. I almost pity Auriga I know for a fact she has one of these…things-I've stolen and read it countless times-no wonder she's barking mad. If just short encounters with the likes of you can leave you yelling and screaming at an inanimate object, imagine what extended periods of time would do to you. Your sanity levels would be worse than a patient at St. Mungos.

No wonder the poor dear is terminally loopy. I bet Dumbledore's got one too; it would explain so much and-

…

Ok, lets get one thing straight; I did NOT just refer to Auriga Sinistra as dear. She is not a dear, and neither should her name come into any sort of connection with the word 'poor.' Unless of course we are discussing her lack of money. It is then, of course, entirely acceptable.

This diary is truly making me lose my marbles, and the more I write in it the more phrases I have to come up with to express my concerns, sanity-wise. I don't want to start getting too repetitive, like Auriga's diary.

ARGH, why do I keep talking about her? That's it, from this point on, I will call her nothing but Professor Sinistra, and the only way her name will come up is if it is under the context 'god, isn't astronomy the most boring thing ever, well it would have to be, look who teaches it. A brain-dead monkey could teach better than Professor Sinistra' and that is the only way I am allowed to speak of her.

Now, I'm leaving to go find the deeply revered and immensely admired headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, whom in his hands holds the metaphorical key to the wizarding worlds future, in the form of educating the young people of the magical world and teaching them how to become civilised and cultured adults, like himself.

Dear Lord. We're doomed.

9:54 pm

… Sigh

I don't know what I did to deserve this, I really don't. I mean, sure I've killed the odd person, and you know, I've handed out a detention when they're really wasn't need for one, and there was that time I made that first year cry. And that third year. Oh, and that seventh year Slytherin lad. But really, its hardly my fault these immature little brats are so sensitive!

Anyway, I don't deserve this, regardless of what all of Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and the odd Slytherin think. It's not fair…

9:56pm

So, basically Dumbledore refused point blank to stop this pathetic sham of a good idea. He also kindly reminded me that I had been all for the idea of handing out school diaries. Well yes, I had thought it fantastic; forcing the children to write out their most secretive and innermost thought in a book that can easily be confiscated and then read out in front of class to embarrass some person (coughHarryPottercough) to the point where they are past wanting the ground to swallow them up and are actually considering jumping off the astronomy tower. It sounds better that Christmas, doesn't it? But I had no idea that WE, the teaching staff, would be used as guinea pigs in this little experiment!

Oh, but it gets worse. Dumbledore requested to 'just have a quick glance' through my diary to 'see what I was referring to when I said I was losing my marbles' because he 'didn't understand.'

9:58pm

He said he particularly enjoyed my description of him.

9:59pm

And that he would love to hear more on my 'eventful escapade in the pacific' on his, brace yourself for this, diary, BROTHER'S boat…it wasn't a mad old lady hitting on me. It was shudder his shudder brother, Aberforth's ferry…I shall never be able to walk into the Hogshead again. Ugh. shudder shudder twitch shudder

10:03pm

Ok, I think I've shaken it off, although my eye does keep twitching a little. It's probably best not to think about it, eh?

10:04pm

Oh, I'd almost forgotten. He'd also jokingly said that he would make sure to pass on how concerned I was about Professor Sinistra's state of mind, and how highly I thought of her teaching skills.

10:05pm

But he was joking. Obviously. I mean, he wouldn't actually tell her, would he?

10:06pm

Oh Merlin, he would, wouldn't he?

10:09pm

I HATE HIM!

-x-x—x-x-x-x--x-x-x-x--x-x-x-

Ok, first chapter up! I quite like it so far actually. I've no idea what motivated me to write this, I just opened up a blank sheet on Microsoft word and here it came. I'm reasonably pleased with it, but it may need editing. And remember, reviews keep me happy!