Thanks For Nothing!
Once upon a Thanksgiving there stood a magnificent mansion on a hill. The mansion belonged to a noble Führer who was celebrating thanksgiving with his loving family.
"Colonel! Get down here! It's almost time for dinner you fumbling idiot!" yelled a hawked haired First lady, Riza Hawkeye- or better yet Riza Mustang.
"Lieutenant, my Queen how many times do I have to tell you call me Führer!" He said proudly as he striked a pose.
"A sad excuse for one if you ask me," the First lady mumbled as she stirred the contents of a bowl with a wooden spoon.
"Is this what you think of me? A shame to mankind, A doom bringer to Amestris? A-"
His dramatic rant was cut off by his queen, "No, you want to know what I think?" the Führer nodded, "I think you're an utter and complete waste of space!" The Führer looked at her with his infamous puppy dog look complete with a quivering bottom lip.
"Why Lieutenant, why? What has driven you to this betrayal my queen?" He asked desperately shaking her vigorously. Riza hit him with the wooden spoon
"Colonel! Don't you ever accuse me of such a thing you two timing devil," she said as she hit the Führer again.
"What do you mean two timing devil?" The man asked innocently.
"Oh don't give me that garbage I know all about you and your so called 'secretary'," Riza yelled as she beat him up with her spoon. Only Riza was able to hear the front door open over Roy's yelps of pain.
"Now look sharp Colonel, grandfather is here."
The clock struck eight and the Mustang family plus a few others sat around a large and elegant table in the dining hall.
"Isn't this nice? We are one happy family," Riza said as she sat in her seat next to Roy.
"We'll never be a happy family Mom," Ten yr. old Maes Mustang said grumpily. The genius and down to earth boy was not looking forward to another thanksgiving, because thanksgiving at the Mustang household was just sad. Every year Riza would make a fabulous dinner but every time it was wasted thanks to Roy Mustang's famous food fights.
Oliver Armstrong smiled at little Maes's comment. She remembered the first time Riza invited her to join their family dinner. At first she was reluctant to go but she was glad she went. After all the food fights and yelling Oliver enjoyed her time there. It was much better than the overly sweet, heartfelt and sparkley thanksgiving dinner at the Armstrong's.
An evil smirk crossed her face when she remembered her favorite part of thanksgiving - throwing the turkey at Roy Mustang. He is only good for being stuffing anyway.
"Now, now dear stop being so fussy, thanksgiving dinner is always amusing," the ex-Führer chuckled. Grumman sat at the head of the table, picking at his peas and waiting for the perfect time to launch them. Even at his ripe age his aim was still stellar, something his granddaughter had inherited. This old man still had some spunk in him and he wasn't going to waste it swinging on a rocking chair.
"My Queen, this dinner is truly fit for royalty, it's like a swirling mix of flavors that dance on your taste buds and-" the Führer was cut off again.
"Whatever, Oliver can you pass the salad?" Riza said ignoring her overly dramatic husband.
"Which one?" Two voices sang in sync. Everyone laughed as Oliver Mustang a six year old princess passed the salad to her mother.
"Here you go mommy, I put rainbows and sunshine in it so it taste amazing." Unfortunately, she got Roy's senselessness.
"Why did you name your daughter after me anyway? I'm not dead you know!" Oliver. A. said glaring at Roy.
"No, I was hoping one day my daughter would rub off on you, besides you need some sunshine," the flame alchemist mumbled to himself.
"What was that?" Oliver said standing up with stuffing in her hand.
"You know I think you need to try some applesauce, it's sweet unlike you," he said ready to throw the sauce.
"Not this time!" Riza said through clenched teeth, "Now repeat after me, we are one happy family." Everyone just stared at her. "I said repeat!"
"We are one happy family," Everyone said in a sombre tone.
"Good," Riza said sitting down. Everyone went back to their food when the door smashed open.
"Hey stupid Führer, we're here for dinner!" screamed the voice of Edward Elric.
"Edward, is that anyway to talk to our wonderful hosts?" Winry said smacking Edward with a wrench that she kept in her pink clutch.
"I'm glad you two could make it!" Riza exclaimed as she showed the two to their seats.
"Lieutenant, why did you invite the half pint cow?" Roy asked.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THEY CAN DROWN IN THANKSGIVING GRAVY?!" Ed yelled.
"Stop spazzing Fullmetal your ruining my meal," Oliver said glaring at Ed. Everyone returned to eating when there was a knock on the door.
"I wonder who that could be?" The princess said. Riza opened the door to reveal Alphonse Elric and Mei Chang.
"Hey everyone we came from Xing decided to come and visit!" Mei said smiling.
"Ya, that's why we tagged along!" Ling said smiling. He and Ran Fan were already seated.
"Where did you two come from?" Maes asked.
"From the window," Ling said.
"It's fine we have so much space and more than enough food!" Riza said beaming that this empty house they called a home was filling up.
"Good because I invited Miles who said he's bringing that no life Scar with him," Olivier explained. Just then the doorbell rang and Miles and Scar entered.
"Well the more the merrier right?" Riza said smiling.
"Well if that's the case then: 'hey come on in guys they have turkey!'" Scar screamed down the hall. A whole herd of Ishvalens came running into the house.
"If you'll excuse me, I have to go the bathroom to powder my noise," Mei said fluttering her eye lashes.
Then out of nowhere Winry got up and walked to the open space in the middle of the dining hall.
"Okay people, I've has enough! I can't hold it in anymore!" She said as she turned around and ripped off her long trench coat to reveal a bright pink sequenced super sparkly cocktail dress that had the word Juicy written in gold cursive letters across her butt.
"It's time to party!" She said blasting a boom box and dancing like a maniac.
"Mommy you should tell aunt Winry to stop before she hurts herself!" Olivier .M. said a little freaked out. But no one seemed to hear her because everyone was too busy joining in on the fun.
"Now this is what I call a party!" Grumman said jumping out of his seat.
"Okay people it's time to bring out the big guns!" Roy hollered as he opened a secret compartment and slammed his fist on a big red button and then bright coloured lights a dance floor and an ultra-mega disco ball came down from the ceiling.
"When did we get this installed?!" Riza asked her crazy husband.
"Oh Lieutenant, everyone knows I'm a party animal!" The Führer said walking over the table and jumping into the crowd. Riza Hawkeye just stood there mouth open in utter shock at the scene before her.
"Mom, mom… Hello earth to mom?" Maes said waving a hand in front of his mother, "Aww great they broke her! Well, if anyone needs me I'll be in the library," Maes said going up the stairs.
"This is nothing, I'm going to party with pinkie pie she's the real party animal!" Olivier .M. said skipping up the stairs as she sang 'Partying with the ponies, partying with the ponies!' Someone was banging on the door so Roy went to open it, only to find Sid and Izumi Curtis standing with a package in their hands.
"You ordered more turkey?" Izumi asked.
"Yup, those Ishvalens can be real pigs you know...hey why don't you guys join the party!" Roy said.
"Nah, we should go home," Izumi said.
"And what, stare the wall?"
"You're right it'll be fun," Izumi said as she transmuted her clothes into studded black leather party clothes.
"Ya time to get wasted!" Sid yelled running into the crowd. Riza balled her fists; this was it she had enough, this was her house, her dinner, and her thanksgiving and she was not going to let it go to waste.
"EVERYONE STOPPPPP! PARTY'S OVER SO GO HOME!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.
"You heard her guys," Scar said receiving a chorus of awws as the Ishvalens left.
"GOOD NOW EVERYONE SIT DOWN! WE ARE GOING TO BE ONE HAPPY FAMILY AND YOU ARE GOING TO ENJOY THE DINNER WEATHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!"
Ed put up his hand to ask a question, "And what if we don't like it?"
Riza whipped out her gun, "THEN YOU DIE!" Everyone nodded solemnly; they were way too sacred to talk.
"Good, now repeat after me: we are one happy family," everyone just stared at her. "I SAID REPEAT!"
"HgtfrjdWeareonhappyfamilyhdesis" they all said very quickly. Riza sighed and sat at her seat as everyone began to eat. Mei Chang came out of the bathroom wearing the same cocktail dress as Winry except in blue.
"Uh huh, uh huh time to party yaya!" She said dancing in the dining hall.
"Mei Chang sit down!" Riza said through clenched teeth a huffing with anger.
"O-okay," Mei said weakly as she took her seat. Everyone returned to their dinner.
Slurrrpppp slurrrppp, Ling and Ran Fan were trying to suck up the last bit of their Pepsi with a straw. Sluuurrrrrpppp-
"Are you done yet?" Riza glared at the pair.
Slurrrrpppp.
"Now I am," Ling said with goofy grin.
"If you'll excuse us Riza we need to go to the bathroom and powder our noses," Ran Fan asked.
"Whatever."
"Will you stop chewing so loud?" Winry asked a chomping Ed.
"Will you stop nagging? It's all you ever do NAG NAG NAG!" Ed yelled back.
"That's no way to talk to a lady Fullmetal no wonder you don't have a girl-" Roy was cut off by Ed.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE CAN'T GET A GIRL BECAUSE-"
"$%&#! FULLMETAL WATCH IT YOU POKED MY EYE WITH YOUR STUPID FORK," Olivier looked deadly.
"Ahahahahahahhahaha!" Roy couldn't stop laughing.
"Let's see how funny it is when I do this!" Olivier said as she threw the remaining turkey at Roy.
"Oh it's on! No one gets turkey in my hair and gets away with it!" Roy said throwing the gravy at Olivier who dodged it so it hit Ed instead.
"You're gonna pay for the big time Führer!" Ed said.
And so the famous food fight began. Everywhere and Everyone was covered in food.
"Everyone stop!" Riza screamed. So everyone froze.
Then Ling and Ran Fan came out of the bathroom doing jazz hands and wearing traditional Xingese clothing. Riza just froze.
And then broke down crying, "I just wanted to be one happy family, but every year it always the same! Except of this year...it's the worst one yet!" She said through her sobs. "Everything is ruined! What else could go wrong?" She said.
And then the dining hall exploded.
"Oops, who knew passing gas could be so destructive?" Scar said innocently. At that moment everyone ran out as fast as they could. Roy and Riza were the only ones left in the heap of ruble they called a dining hall.
"Well at least the flower vase made it unscathed," Riza said. Roy poked the vase and it fell into pieces. He turned to look at the horrified expression of his beloved wife and said, "Well, I'm going to bed."
Leaving, Riza alone in the after math of another successful thanksgiving.
A/N: Don't forget to review! Come'on I know you want to! Feel free to suggest any ideas you have or any scenarios you wanna see our crazy Mustang family in! Every time someone clicks the 'follow' button Ed get a cookie, without the milk! Just letting ya know! :P