Jace's eyes shot open as he sat bolt upright in bed. Running a shaky hand through his hair, he shook off the last remnants of the nightmare. Nightmares were nothing new, of course, although this particular one had been. Jace knew it would be with him for some time; being murdered by your father tended to have that affect.

He could remember it all far too clearly:

The smile on Clary's face as she realised they could win

His father, appearing out of nowhere

Pain, confusion, a knife, blood, pain

Seeing Clary cry, knowing it was his fault, unable to do anything about it

Hearing Alec calling for him (Jace realised now he couldn't have heard his parabatai, Alec had been in New York)

Knowing, despite the pain clouding his mind, that he had to tell Clary

I love you

She had to know, had to hear him say it

Jace hoped she'd heard him, that he'd actually spoken at all

He'd felt those three words ringing through him more truly than anything before

And then

Nothing.

The first thing he heard had been a voice he would recognise anywhere. Jace. For a moment, when he opened his eyes, Jace wondered if he had actually reached heaven.

But he could see that Clary had been crying, and they were still by the lake. All that mattered was that Clary was okay, she was smiling and laughing and here and, somehow, he was still here too. Clary had singlehandedly defeated Valentine – a man whose impact on his life meant Jace knew it would take him a while to process his death – and saved the day. Just like he'd always known she could.

Once Jace had realised what had happened, that he had really died, been dead, and Clary had compelled the Angel to resurrect him, everything he'd ever heard about the dangers of bringing people back had begun to flood his mind. Jace had tried so hard to believe Clary when she said it was a miracle. To believe that just this once something would go right for him. He'd wanted to believe for Clary, and with her there, in his arms, for a moment he'd succeeded.

Then Alec had asked what had happened and something inside Jace had screamed that no one could know. One look at Alec's face had shown Jace just what he'd been through when Jace had died; telling Alec would only make him worry more, and it wasn't like he could doanything about it. No one had seemed convinced by Jace's response, but at least they'd let it lie.

Jace wasn't sure exactly why he felt so strongly that no one should know, even Alec. He wished he could have explained himself to Clary when she asked, but he loved her for understanding, even though he didn't himself.

Jace couldn't explain what had happened next, didn't want to think about it. When he'd gone back inside the Hunter's Moon Clary had been talking with Maia. It had seemed urgent, but Jace had felt too tired to focus on whatever it was. When he told Clary he was headed home for the night, she'd looked like she'd been about to protest or ask if he was okay, but then Luke had appeared and Clary had given Jace a kiss before letting him go. He'd tell her tomorrow, when she wasn't dealing with anything else. He was fine now. It wasn't important.

Taking a deep breath, Jace dragged his mind back to the present. He was alive, Valentine was gone and could never hurt him -hurt anyone- again, he was home in the Institute, surrounded by people who loved him. He was safe, even if he didn't feel like it.

Jace was just about to lie down again and try to get some sleep, when he felt it start again. He made it to the door, made sure it was locked; he didn't want anyone to see him like this. He didn't want to bother anyone on this night of celebration.

It was like it had been in the Hunter's Moon, when he'd barely managed to tell Clary he needed to phone Alec, and struggled outside without attracting attention, before he'd been consumed by the pain. This time was worse, and Jace bit down on his lip to keep from crying out. It felt like he was on fire, like his whole body was wrong, was being pulled apart. It hurt more than dying had. Through the ringing in his ears Jace thought he could hear a woman laughing, her voice cruel and mocking. Jace could have sworn she called his name before everything went black.

This time the nightmare had changed. It started as his previous nightmare had, with Valentine stabbing him. Only Valentine changed into Sebastian, and he stabbed him again, and again. Jace could hear Alec screaming, and then he was there, next to Jace, writhing in pain. Because of Jace. And then Sebastian was with Clary, and Jace could only watch as he cut her throat. Jace looked away, looked down, only to see the bloodstained knife in his own hands. Clary was in front of him, her eyes wide, asking, "Jace? Why?" Jace stumbled away from her, tripping over something as he did, landing heavily. Looking down he saw Max, bloody, dead, and Izzy holding their baby brother, screaming at Jace, "How could you do this?!"

Unable to take anymore, Jace curled into a ball, eyes squeezed shut, begging anything for it to be over, wishing he'd never been brought back to life at all.

Suddenly he felt a cold hand touch his face, and the same voice he'd heard laughing at him earlier, "You deserve this."

Someone was knocking on his door and Jace jolted awake.

Just another nightmare.

Everything was okay.

The knocking sounded again, and Jace managed to shout, "Give me a minute!" in what he hoped was a normal sounding voice.

It was early morning, Jace realised, and he felt stiff all over from sleeping on the floor. A glance in the mirror showed Jace that he looked as awful as he felt. He'd bitten his lip hard enough to draw blood, and seemed to have scratched himself, hard, several times. Jace drew a quick iratze before pulling a shirt on, rubbing his eyes to try to hide the evidence that he'd been crying - which apparently he had. He took a deep breath.

It was just a nightmare, Jace told himself, and the pain was just a weird side effect of being raised from the dead by the Angel. It would pass. No need to worry anyone else. Not yet. He'd caused everyone enough worry already.

Walking to the door he carefully assumed the expression of someone annoyed at having been woken up early, masking how he was feeling. He knew he could do it, he knew no one would notice. He'd had a lifetime of practice.

It turned out to be Izzy at the door, and whatever she had been about to say went out of the window when she saw him, "You look terrible! Did you have too much fun at the Hunter's Moon last night?" Her tone was teasing, and normal, and Izzy, and Jace found himself able to return her smile more easily than he'd expected.

"Something like that, it's been a rough few days." Izzy's grin faded and she threw her arms around her brother.

"When I think about how close Sebastian and Valentine came to killing you, how we almost lost you, I-" Izzy paused, taking a deep breath and looking up at Jace, "I'm so glad you're okay. I don't know what any of us would do if you weren't. I love you." Izzy's smile was warm, and Jace tried to match it as he gave her another squeeze, "I love you too."

As Izzy began to tell him what she'd come for – a mixture of letting him know that there was some issue with Luke and the werewolves, complaining that Simon wasn't answering her texts, and asking him to tell her everything about him and Clary – Jace tried to calm the thoughts swirling through his head. He answered her questions with a smile on his face, as naturally as he could.

But her words had made something painfully clear.

Jace had to be okay. Whatever was happening, he could take it. There was no need to worry the others. He'd caused his family and friends too much pain already. He couldn't let them know anything was wrong. With any luck, everything would be back to normal in no time. All that mattered was that, as far as everyone else knew, Jace was okay. He had to be.

So… that finale destroyed me! And then I was so close, SO CLOSE to having a hiatus free of any significant worrying over Jace (other than having read the books so having an idea of what's coming) and then they put in that scene outside of the Hunter's Moon and… I'm not okay! So then… this happened…

I hope you enjoyed it! Season 3 is going to hurt!