Author Note: Hello Y'all! I should warn you this is my first fan fic. So if it is bad...don't shoot me. As well, updates for the story will take awhile. Between rep hockey (Go Flamborough Sabres 3), school, work, and tutoring, I have little free time. So bare will me:)
Disclaimer. I don't own Grey's Anatomy or that hunk named Patrick Dempsey. Tear. If I did own Grey's season 3 wouldn't have ended the way it did. I also do not own Blink-182 who's song is the name of this chapter. Nor do I own any of the future bands and their songs.
Chapter 1
"I miss you"
(I miss you, miss you)
(I miss you, miss you)
Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
this sick strange darkness
comes creeping on so haunting every time
and as I stared I counted
webs from all the spiders
catching things and eating their insides
like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
will you come home and stop this pain tonight
stop this pain tonight
(Blink-182 'I miss you')
A loud gasp filled the bedroom. She grabbed her heart, as if it was jumping out of her chest and she was pushing it back inside.
"Mer," Christina whispered, "Are you-"
"I'm fine, I should be asking you that."
"We have gone through this Meredith, I'm fine." Meredith knew she wasn't fine. Fine doesn't cry for hours on end. Fine doesn't…this, this isn't fine. Not. Fine. Un. Fine.
"What's wrong?" Christina said cutting into Meredith's thoughts. Meredith didn't want to talk about her dream or her thoughts, both of which were not helping her to sleep. But, Mer, she owed this to Christina. They had talked for hours, about things, Burke things, Christina things, Burke and Christina things. And the wedding of no existence. Even if she owed, she didn't want to spill. She didn't want to worry Christina at a time like this because she was not fine. Un. Fine. She wanted to be supportive Mer, not selfish Mer. And on the other hand, this. Was. Killing. Her. She loved him, she knew it deep down inside. She could try and deny. She could try and divert her feelings, her love, her lust for him with one night stands and drowning her sorrow in tequila, but at the end of the night it was him. Derek Shepherd, she wanted to fall asleep with. She could tell Christina. Just blurt it. Just-
"Ibrokeupwithderek." There, it was out. It was out floating around. Hanging.
"McWhat?!"
Bad idea. Bad idea. She knew she would want her to expand. It was Christina. It was her person.
"I. I told him. I told him it was over. So, over," she sighed, she was rambling, stumbling. "I told him in front of everyone. At the church. Indirectly. But he knew. He…knew." Christina rolled over in the bed to face Meredith. She gazed into her eyes, but it was too dark, she could barely see the outline of her body let alone her eyes. "I thought you and Shepherd were…"
"Happy? I guess not.""Oh, McDreamy's being McDouchy."
"Christina!" Meredith snapped, "Not helping."
"Right, sorry."
Silence. One second. Two seconds. Three seconds. Tick, tick, tick. "Is this why you woke up the way you did?" Christina asked.
"I was dreaming. About him," she frowned as she remembered the image flying past her vision. "I made a mistake. We made mistakes." Silence again. The word 'mistake' hung over them like a black cloud. Nothing more was said, they were too busy being lost in their own thoughts. Meredith rolled over to look away from Christina. She tried to sleep and shut her eyes but every time she did, her head filled with images, movies played on the back of her eyelids. Derek. Derek with McBarWhore. Derek sleeping alone. Derek hurting. There was a lone thought that was horrifying, but it did cross her mind, Derek was on the street somewhere dying and she hadn't told him she loved him, hadn't told him how she felt, instead she told him it was over. So over.
Sleep Mer, she cooed to herself, Sleep.
She needed a few shots of tequila. There wasn't much alcohol at the mixer for the interns. She wandered across the street, she had seen a bar before she went to the mixer. She almost didn't go to the hospital to meet the other interns, she almost went to the bar instead because that sounded better. Much better. She walked through the doors and found a seat along the bar. It wasn't too busy, which made Meredith a bit happy because she wasn't in the mood for a crowd. She ordered a straight tequila. The bartender, he said "Straight tequila. Really? You will be sorry in the morning." He was right. She would be.
"I am always sorry in the morning. But tomorrow is my first day of work, so keep 'em coming." She could feel someone watching her. Their eyes pierced through her skin, but she didn't dare turn around. Just about then a handsome man walked up to the bar.
"So, is this a good place to hang out?" The man asked.
"I wouldn't know, never been here before." She answered and went back to her drink. She just wanted to drink. Without a conversation.
"You know what? I haven't either. First time here. I'm new in town. Never been to Seattle. New job soon. Ah, you're ignoring me"
Was she that obvious? "Ah, trying to."
"You shouldn't ignore me."
"Why not?"
"Because I am someone you have to get to know to love."
"Really?" Stop flirting with him Meredith, she told herself, you know what happens when you flirt.
"Oh yes"
"So if I know you, I'll love you" I don't even know you yet and I love you and your smile, she said to herself.
"Oh yes."
"You really like yourself huh?"
"Just hiding my pain," This man. Was. Mysterious. And Pain? He looked so happy. Bright and shiny almost. What pain? "So what is your story?" he continued.
"I don't have a story. I'm just a girl in a bar." Lies. You have a story. Your father left you when you were young and your mom doesn't even remember you because of the disease that is eating away at her brain. His voice brought her back down to planet Earth.
"I'm just a guy in a bar."
Meredith began thinking. Maybe she did want a conversation, maybe she could have one more night of partying before she got serious.
Before she knew it they were stumbling up to the step of Meredith's mom's house. She fumbled with the keys. She couldn't concentrate with his breath hot against her neck and his arm around her waist while he kissed along her jaw line. A moan escaped her lips.
"Hurry." He whispered in her ear, sending chills up and down her spine.
There, finally, she unlocked the door. They weren't even all the way in the door when he spun her around and pulled down the straps on her dress, letting the dress fall to the ground. His eyes drank her in. She reached for his shirt and pulled him closer. They staggered into the living room.
"I just moved in, I haven't…" she moaned as he started to kiss down her cleavage, "I haven't had time to unpack."
"I don't care." He said while she unbuttoned his shirt.
She ran her hands down his chest, landing her hands on his belt. Slowly undoing it. Teasing him.
Within minutes neither of them had anything covering their bodies, they were completely naked. He had a mischievous grin on his face, a grin that made Meredith want him bad. She took matters into her own hands and pushed him on to the couch. The mischievous grin faded, now he was just surprised. She got on top of him and straddled his hips. She leaned down and kissed him on the lips.
"Take me." She whispered against his lips.
The sun made its way through the lone window in the bedroom, signaling a wake up call for the girls. Well it was one of two. The second one should be-
"'So you got to let me know, should I stay or should I go' Good morning Seattle, you are listening to Seattle's favorite radio sta-" Christina slammed her hand down on the snooze button and let out a long mumble.
Meredith sighed. She knew that song. The Clash sung it, Derek's favorite band. Derek. Her heart ached. She motioned to get up but muscles ached in sync with her heat. Her muscles screamed, 'Five more minutes. Please.' But she knew she couldn't. It was her first day as a resident. She fully got out of bed ignoring pleads from her muscles. She sauntered out of bed into the bathroom, and looked up at the mirror. Her eyes were bloodshot. Her hair was a total mess, sticking out in every direction. Meredith turned on the tap and splashed some cold water on her face, yet she didn't feel any better. She heard the alarm clock go off again, followed by a mumble from Christina. It lives, Meredith thought, giggling to herself. Christina, half wake, walked into the bathroom where Meredith was still standing looking at herself in the mirror.
They didn't talk much as they quickly got ready. In fact the only time someone broke the silence and spoke was when Christina asked Meredith if she wanted a coffee before they left, and she answered with a faint, almost inaudible 'No'. Meredith would get some coffee at the hospital. She needed to get out of this stuffy apartment; she needed to talk to Derek.
The drive to Seattle Grace was the same. Quiet. Except the dull roar of the muffler and the little hum of the radio that escaped the speakers.
It wasn't soon until Meredith parked the car outside the hospital. She had spent the last five minutes circling the parking lot pretending to look for a good spot, but she was really looking for Derek's car, which she had no success finding. So she grabbed the next spot she saw. Meredith was the first to break the silence.
"Are you going to be okay today Christina?" Meredith asked as she turned the car off.
"I will hold up."
"You know you can page me if you need to talk or, you know for anything."
Christina nodded before reaching into the backseat, grabbed her bag and got out. Meredith quickly did the same. The cold air hit them hard. Meredith wanted to get back in the car and turn the heat on, but instead she hurried to the doors of Seattle Grace following closely behind Christina.
By the time Meredith was inside the warmth of the hospital, Christina was at the coffee stand by the entrance ordering two coffees. Christina handed Mer her warm coffee. She was in desperate need of some caffeine. She bought the cup up to her lips and took a long sip. It felt like heaven, it instantly warmed her cool body. They made their way to the elevator. Meredith hoped someone else would come and wait for the elevator with them because she could tell by Christina's face she wanted to talk now and Meredith wasn't in the mood. She wanted peace. And quiet.
The doors slid open, and a hand full of people exited the enclosed space. They got on without indecision. Meredith was stuck. In the elevator. There was no way out. She was stuck.
"Are you going to talk to him?" Christina asked. Meredith winced. She knew she was going to ask, especially after telling her she broke up with Derek. Divert Meredith. Distract. Reroute.
"Are you going to talk to Burke?" She completely ignored Christina's prior question. She didn't want to talk about Derek. Definitely not in an elevator because this is where many of their memories were created.
"No. Maybe. If he's here. I guess," Christina stopped, and looked at Meredith but she wasn't paying attention to the glare her friend was giving her. She was too busy doing a happy dance in her mind, she had diverted Christina. "Hey, you didn't answer my question!"
Damn, Meredith thought. "Uh-" Meredith stalled. The doors would open any minute. They were close to the second floor. Open. Open. Open. Ding. The doors slid open and two doctors got on. Neither doctors she knew but she thanked them inside her mind.
The tall grey-haired middle age doctor started a conversation with the other doctor who entered the elevator . The other doctor didn't look as old as the middle-aged doctor. He looked to be in his early thirties.
"Pretty slow morning so far eh?"
"Always a bad sign. The slow ones always end on a fast pace."
Meredith impatiently shifted her weight from one foot to another. She wanted to get out of the elevator. She could feel Christina's eyes on her waiting for an answer. Why did everything move so slowly when she wanted it to move fast? The elevator made a dinging sound indicating they had arrived on the third floor. Meredith and Christina pushed past the two other doctors to get off the elevator. Christina was still looking at her. What did she want? An answer, but didn't see get the hint? She didn't want to talk about Derek. She didn't understand why Christina was so willing to talk about Burke after what happened.
"Maybe." She answered. But she knew damn well that it was a 'yes', but why did Christina have to know.
She looked over at Christina. She wasn't looking at her anymore. Thank god, Meredith said to herself. She was getting sick of the feeling of Christina's eyes piercing her skin with an unbearable gaze. They walked to the locker room in silence. Christina had gotten her answer.
All and all George O'Malley was having a pretty good morning. He was offered an amazing deal and he was extremely lucky to get Dr. Bailey as his resident again. But this deal. This deal was big. Enormous. Colossal. Chief Webber had told him if he was to prove himself worthily enough as an intern to him and the board they would allow him to become a 1st year resident within a few months. He thought it all it all over while he waited for an incoming trauma with his fellow interns, Lexie, Claire, Graciella, and Leo. There had been a fatal crash on the highway near the hospital involving 4 cars, and that was basically all anyone knew. The blaring sound of sirens filled the air.
"O'Malley first ambulance. Claire, Graciella second. Leo third. Grey fourth. I expect to see their films in twenty minutes!" Miranda Bailey bellowed.
George rushed to the first ambulance and flew open the doors. The paramedics looked up at George. The woman paramedic was the first to speak.
"Caucasian male, late thirties, sustained trauma to the head and abdomen." The paramedics started to wheel the patient out and that was when George got to see the man's face fully. The blood drained from his face and there was a sick feeling in his stomach.
"Oh god."