Author's Notes: Like a watermelon through a fucking straw. Think about it.
Straws and Watermelons
Cuddy pushed the door to the hospital open, and immediately she knew something was wrong.
"Oh, Dr. Cuddy," Dr. Stone smiled, walking over. "I'm so glad you're here!"
Cuddy looked to Dr. Stone's stomach, then back to her face. "You're… pregnant." Cuddy stated.
"Yes," Dr. Stone giggled. "It was just the strangest thing." She motioned towards the nursing staff behind her. "Everyone else is pregnant too. Isn't that wonderful?" Dr. Stone beamed.
"Oh um…wonderful, yeah." Cuddy brushed past Dr. Stone to her office. She closed the door and leaned against it. This must have just been a strange coincidence, a strange coincidence that rubbed in the fact that she wasn't pregnant, and probably never would be. Cuddy absently brought her hands to her stomach. Why was her life so much fail?
Later there was a knock at the door, and a nurse walked in looking distraught, and also very much pregnant.
"What's wrong, Nurse Livermore?" Cuddy looked up from her desk.
"Dr. Cuddy, the MRI machine is…" She cleared her throat. "It's broken."
Cuddy's shoulders fell. "Are you fucking shitting me?" She stood up from her desk. "Who was the last doctor scheduled to use it?"
"Dr. House," Nurse Livermore replied.
"Oh, fuck me," Cuddy sighed and stormed out of the room.
Cuddy walked into House's office, only to see Cameron sitting at his desk. She crossed her arms. "Where's Dr. House?"
Cameron stood.
"Oh God, not you too!" Cuddy gaped, pointing at Cameron's stomach.
Cameron smiled, holding her stomach. "Chase is the father."
"That…is disgusting, congratulations. Now where is House?"
"Oh he's around here somewhere," Cameron smiled and sat back down.
Cuddy sighed in frustration and walked towards Wilson's office. When she reached her destination, she flung the door open.
"Dr. Wilson, where is House? And don't give me any shit, I'm not in the mood!"
Wilson shot up from his desk. "I… I don't… I mean… you…" He brought his hands to his face in fear.
Her eyes lowered to his stomach. "God, Wilson, you look especially fat today. You best watch out for any harpoons."
Wilson wrapped his arms around his stomach, and his eyes began to water. "Why… why would you say that?"
"Because it's true. God, lay off the cheeseburgers, Wilson."
Wilson bit his lip and then quickly left the room.
"…What the hell is up with Wilson?" Cuddy left the room and started looking for House again.
Pushing through the doors of the cafeteria, she looked around for House or anyone who might be able to tell her where he was. She stopped on a familiar face. Chase.
"Chase," Cuddy said and slid into the chair across the table from him.
Chase looked up from his plate, which held nothing but a mix of chocolate pudding and shrimp. "Yes?"
She looked down at the plate. "What the fuck are you eating?"
"Shrimp and chocolate pudding." He shoveled more into his mouth.
"Why?" She wrinkled her nose in disgust.
"Don't judge me, Cuddy!" Chase yelled pulling his plate closer.
"Whatever; where's House?" She glared across the table at Chase.
"He's in the game room," he replied, poking his fork at the plate.
"At least one of you is fucking useful," Cuddy muttered, standing from the table.
Cuddy stormed into the game room. "House! You know we don't have the money to keep paying for fucking MRI machines!"
"There, there, Wilson." House stood with his back to her, holding Wilson, who clung tightly to the back of House's shirt upon seeing Cuddy.
She crossed her arms. "What have I specifically told you two about being gay at work?"
House turned to Cuddy. "Cuddy, I don't appreciate that—"
"Jesus House, did you eat the same thing Wilson did? Like, a whole fucking turkey? Without cutting it up… or chewing it?"
Wilson covered his eyes with his hands and sobbed.
House turned to face Cuddy, glaring. "How dare you abuse Wilson like that! That's my job, Cuddy!"
"Why does she make fun of our babies?" Wilson sobbed.
"No one asked for your opinion, Moby Dick!" Cuddy paused. "Wait, your what?"
"We're pregnant Cuddy, how could you be so insensitive?"
"No," Cuddy shook her head repeatedly. "You can't be pregnant!"
"Cuddy," House started.
"If I'm not pregnant, none of you can be pregnant!" Cuddy screamed and fled the room.
House shrugged and wrapped his arms back around Wilson.
Cuddy stomped down the hall, fuming. Some strange series of events had caused everyone in the hospital to become pregnant but her. She hated everything right now. Everything.
Lost in thought, Cuddy accidentally collided with Foreman, who was walking and looking down at a file.
"Oh crap, sorry Cuddy."
Cuddy straightened her shirt. "That's alright, Foreman." She looked down to Foreman's stomach. "You're…you're not pregnant."
"I…"
"This is amazing!" She gripped Foreman's shoulders. "Don't you see! It's not just me!"
Foreman looked away from Cuddy.
"You… you aren't pregnant, are you?"
"See… about that…"
Cuddy stuttered, trying to think of something to say.
"I'm just not that far along… I guess…" Foreman explained.
"I hate you people!" Cuddy yelled.
Cuddy gasped, and sat up quickly, clinging to her blanket. She hated that nightmare; she had it every week without fail. It was always hard for her to face the people at work after, especially the men… especially Wilson. Why was she always so rude to him specifically, she wondered.
She sighed and tucked her hair back behind her ears. Might as well get it over with, she thought, getting out of bed and finding her clothes for the day.