Buck's Crazy Day
This fanfic is dedicated especially to Buckrocks, or Buckrocks13 as her Youtube name, because today, the 8th of Febuary, is her birthday! Happy B-DAY BUCKROCKS! *throws big celebration party with confetti and balloons raining down everywhere, and brings in enormous birthday cake with 14 candles. All of a sudden, Buck pops out of the cake!*
BUCK: Surprise!
ME: Buck?! What the heck are you doing here?!
BUCK: I'm here to celerbrate ain't I? Don't think for one minute that you can throw a party without me, mate!
ME: And I see that you haven't lost the accent.
BUCK: Oy! What's wrong with my accent?! I happen to think I sound rather dashing!
ME: And I believe that you sound like an extra out of Mary Poppins.
BUCK: Be warned, tall hairless, ape-like mammal, I shall smite thee, just like I did that *zooms in on dramatic face* RUDDYYEEEE!
ME: *makes awkward face*
BUCK: So, who's the party for anyway? And what's this story about?
ME: *facepalm* You should know!
BUCK: Huh? Oh! Right! Happy Birthday, Buckrocks! *whispers to Me* Isn't this a little late?!
ME: DON'T JUDGE ME!
BUCK: *makes awkward face* Uhhh-anyway. *clears throat* This story is for you. Umm, I have know idea what this pschycopath here has planned for me, *points to me* but I guarantee it will be entertaining!
DIEGO: It better be, or else we've wasted another fanfic idea out there. w
ME: Alright! Who let Mr Negatory back in?
DIEGO: I came in through the back door, it was wide open.
ME: *whispers to Buck* Remind me to fire that dodo later.
BUCK: What's a dodo?
ME: Ughh! Never mind! On with the story!
It was a beautiful day in paradise. Sunny skies, tall trees, and of course, the occaisonal roars of a bloodthirsty dinosaur. How peaceful!
It was on this day, that Buck, (short for Buckminister and long for "Buh,") had decided to take a nice stroll, (and by stroll, I mean "vine-swing,") through the jungle! He had just gone passed the Chasm of Death, when he heard a noise coming from some nearby bushes. Slowly, (and by slowly, I mean heroicly swung down from the tree, did a Mission Impossible style roll across the ground all with an explosion background behind him!) He had to stop making a gun-shape with his claws to remind himself about why he had jumped down from the vine canopy in the first place. He edged his way cautiously towards the clump of bushes, (and by cautiously, I mean- oh never mind, you know the drill!) and lifted the foliage with his knife that he had somehow been carrying all ths time, and almost immedietly, he was flung backwards.
One minute, he was curiously poking at the leaves with his knife, the next minute, he had been knocked onto his back, by an enormous snarling creature. It was drooling, foaming at the mouth, it's narrowed yellow eyes glowering at him like angey fireflies. Buck tried to reach for his knife, but couldn't get to it, it had inconviently been thrown at least six feet away from him. Dammit! he thought, why did life have to always be so cliche!
Just as Buck thought his world as he knew it would come to an end, the evil creature stopped, and then spoke!
"Oh, sorry!"
It got up off of Buck's chest, and began brushing down it's sticking-out fur.
"I thought you were a squirrel!" the creature replied earnestly.
As his vision came into a clearer focus, he could see that it was in fact a wolf. A Wolf! With tawny, reddish brown fur, and a ruffled up tail that looked as though someone had stuck a scrubbing brush onto two seperate wires.
"W-what!?" Buck said, his head cocking to one side, his one blue eye wide with shock.
The wolf continued to groom itself, "No hard feelings, bro!" it replied, but didn't move from where it was seated.
Buck turned around and started paceing for a while. He just couldn't understand it. One minute, this vicious predetor with razor sharp teeth was upon him, looking like it was about to tear him to shreds, and then the next, it was sitting attentivly on the jungle floor, licking itself like a puppy-dog.
"Umm, excuse me?" inquired Buck trying to get White Fang to stop exposing himself, "but, who-who are you?!"
The wolf shook himself, causing all of his fur to stick straight up like an electric socket had been attatched to it, "Me, why?"
Buck stared in absaloute astonishment and disbelief, and then began paceing about all over again. "W-well, because you basically just jumped me mate, I thought I was going to get mugged! I mean, you can't just sneak up on me, pounce on me, then act like nothing's happened. That's just prepost-HOLY-!"
He had just gotten the shock of his life! For when Buck turned around again, the wolf had gone. And in it's place, stood a tall, attractive, dark-haired young human man. Shirtless. In what looked like a pair of boxers. Buck just stared, open mouthed at this obscenity, and at the fact that humans could be so disgusting.
Am I dreaming?! Buck thought to himself, forget that, is this dream supposed to mean anything?! Is it suppose to be good, or bad?! EXPLAIN, DREAM! EXPLAIN!
So, after it took him at least 20 minutes of staring at this half-naked male human, and realising that he wasn't dreaming, nor on a trip, he decided to ask the creature again, of it's identity.
"Er-not be rude or anything, but-Who ARE you?!"
"I'm Jacob," the wolf replied, "I'm a werewolf!"
A werewolf? Really!? Was it tooo much to ask, for a good day of dinosaur hunting, without running into a mythical creature? Last time, it was the leprechaun who had gotten himself very drunk, and gotten a hold of Buck's knife. He was chased for a good fifteen minutes round the jungle. And he still had the scars to prove it, he didn't even get any gold...!
"Yeah, cool huh?" the wolf-man Jacob said.
"No! Not cool! I'll 'ave you know, that I've got somewhere to be today! And it is certainly not here looking at your muscular abs!"
It was hard to describe the facial expression Jacob had after that poorly written line of dialouge, but could you imagine if the wide-eyed monkey and the NO NO NO NO cat ever met? Well yeah. It looked like that.
"And, what kind of importent thing, would a weasel be doing at this time of day?" said Jacob, raising an eyebrow.
"Why, hunting dinosaurs of course!" Buck cried joyfully, before doing his Tyra Banks head-roll, "Like, where you been?!"
"Me? I've been in Forks."
"Forks?"
"Yeah."
"You live in a cutlery drawer?"
"No, it's my hometown."
"Really?! Pfft! Yeah right! Who do you live with, knife and spoon?(!)"
"Uh-no. I live in the town with a girl named Bella, she's very beautiful. And a vampire called Edward Cullen."
Buck's eyeball had swelled to the size of a saucer and his one pupil the size of a pinprick. "Vampire?!" he shrieked so loudly, Jacob was sure someone in China must have heard it.
"Yeah, and a downright cocky one too," snarled Jacob, his wolf features begginning to show again, "always so full of himself and poseing in front of Bella-makes me sick. D'you he's not even allergic to garlic, so there's no possible means of getting rid of him?! AND that sunlight doesn't harm him either-his skin sparkles when it catches the light!"
"A sparkling vampire?" pondered Buck, "now I've heard everything! Sure he's a vampire? Sure he's not a fairy?"
Jacob chuckled, "That would be the best day of my life! So, what kind of dino, you huntin'? T-Rex?"
"Oh no no, Far too easy!"
"Riiiight."
"I'm hunting RUUUUDDDYY!"
"Who?"
"He's my pet dinosaur!"
"Oh please, a pet dinosaur? You actually expect me to beleive that?!"
"Sssshh!" Buck hushed Jacob, "he might hear you!"
"Okaaay-Sooo-since I don't really don't have anything planned for today, wanna go for a walk?"
"You could come with me for Dino Hunting!" Buck exclaimed proudly.
Jacob's face curled into a smug grin. "Oh yeah-RUUUDDY!" he mocked, waving his arms around.
"He IS real!" pouted Buck indignantly, "I'll prove it to you!"
"Whatever you say, Captain Dinosaur!"
They had been walking for hours. Buck had dragged Jacob over wooden logs that acted as bridges over running streams of water, most of which wasn't safe to drink, through thick rainforests, where the OBCs (overgrown blue cats,) lived, (Buck had come across their forests a couple of years ago, and all they did was fire arrows and ride on big pterodactyles, so he didn't let it bother him, even when one lady one named Natini started hitting on Jacob,) when suddenly, they came to an enormous cave.
"Okay, we're here-so where's this pet dinosaur of yours?" Jacob stood folding his arms.
"Ssh!" Buck warned as he hopped onto a nearby rock, "he get's very cranky this time of day."
Buck moved nearer and nearer towards the cave while Jacob watched, not really sure whether Buck was being deadly serious, or just being deranged.
Buck edged nearer to the cave, slowly...slowly...slowly...and...why are they're so much dots...
Suddenly, two enormous red glowing eyes appeared like burning coals in the fires of hell in the dark of the cave.
Jacob flew backwards as Rudy emerged from the mouth of the cave, snapping and snarling and licking his great white chops ravinously.
"Believe me now?" Buck said smugly to Jacob who nodded nervously.
Rudy finally maneged to squeeze his big dinosaur butt out of the cave and stomp his way over to Jacob who had now taken to puppy dog form, and was sitting there with his tail in between his legs and whining as this great, awful beast towered over him like a skyscraper.
Just as Rudy was about to make Jacob his lunch, Buck swooped in and tyed a vine bridle around his neck, ("his" being the dino's, not his own of course!) and began riding Rudy around like a racehorse, which the dino seemed to like as he paraded himself for all to see. Dinosaurs everywhere looked up from their carniverous doings to watch Rudy in action. Velocerapters looked up from chasing small kids around a kitchen, Momma Dino stopped fighting a giant gorilla even Godzilla stopped eating Tokyo long enough for him to gaze at Rudy.
When Buck had jumped off Rudy's back, and lead him back into the cave, he turned to Jacob, and said, "Wanna go back?"
Jacob shrugged. "Meh, why not?!"
And so weasle and wolf-man-thing walked into the sunset, and off to home.
That is, until they got into a rageing argument.
"Sooo, how old are you?"
"Uhh, well Edward's at least over 100 and me and Bella are both in our 20s."
"Got anyone special?"
"Nope you?"
"Well, I've thought about it, but me, I prefer to be a bachelor. Not really tought about finding myself a mate. Or having kids. Do you have any?"
"Nah, but Bella has."
"Oh really, how many?"
"One, just one." Then he added in a surpriseingly dreamy voice, "Little Renesmee."
"Uhhhhh...What?"
"Renesmee, she's Bella and Edward's daughter."
"How OLD is she?"
"Just a kid, why?"
"Umm, don't you think that's kind of, I dunno...weird."
Jacob shrugged, the expression on his face changing to pure annoyance, "So what if it IS weird?! I'm a wolf, I imprinted on her. So what?!"
"You're a little perv, you know that," muttered Buck, scooping up his knife and throwing it over his shoulder.
"I AM NOT!" roared Jacob, "anyway, who are you to judge? You'll never find love!"
Buck stopped, turned round slowly and looked at Jacob with a pschycotic look in his eye.
"What did you just say?!" he snarled maliciously.
"Oh yeah," Jacob smirked evilly, "I went there!"
Suddenly, Buck threw down his knife, (being pretty pointless, as his weapon would probably be the most useful in this situation,) and spread his arms apart.
"COME AT ME, BRO!"
Suddenly, Jacob pounced, and while in mid-air turned into his FULL wolf-form knashing his teeth feriously. The two circled each other like proffessional wrestlers, or cowboys in a showdown. Then they started yelling insults at each other:
"Douschbag!"
"Skinny Limbs!"
"Dog Breath!"
"One Eye!"
"Oh, now that took it TOO far!"
Enough was enough. No more mythical creatures ruining his daily dino-hunting outings. Buck grabbed his knife, pointed at Jacob, who now lay on the ground, snarling.
"PREPARE TO DIE, WOLFIE!"
Jacob covered his face with his paws.
"And by the way," Buck added nastily, "I'm. Team. Edward!"
NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jacob's cry could be heard through the paradise.
Buck raised his knife, his cold laughter piercing the tropical air, ready to bring it down on Jacob's head...
...and then, the strangest of all things happened.
-"Expelliamis!"
A tiny wave of blue light flickered near Buck's weasel paws, and his knife was sent flying straight out of his hand.
"What the-!"
He turned around to see a boy with jet black hair, bright green eyes and round glasses, who was wearing black robes, and appeared to have a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead.
"Ahaa! You shall no longer slay any more innocent creatures, follower of Voldemort!"
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a big blue car appeared full of English, red-headed boys.
"Come on Harry, Get in the Flying Car!" called the one in the passenger seat.
"Harry," as the boy appeared to be called, jumped as quick as flash into the back-seat.
"Next Stop: Hogwarts!" cried the twin boys at the front.
Next to Harry, there was a rather bushy- haired grumpy little girl in the back-seat, sitting with her arms folded.
"Do I have to sit back here?!" she moaned, "you boys are so revolting!"
"Yep! No Girls Allowed!" the ginger-haired boys replied all at once.
And with that, the car was gone.
Buck just stood there blinking, absaloutly flabbergasted. What the-What just happened?! He was definetly living a dream today.
"Umm, anyway, where was I?" he said turning to Jacob who looked just as confused as he did, "Oh, Yes, I was about to kill you!"
"NO!"
Jacob stood up, in his true human form, his bare chest glinting like a superhero.
"All my life, I've been wanting people to accept me for who I am. I wanted Bella to like me the minute she entered Forks. The moment she came here, I wanted to greet her, and Edward ruined that for me. But no more! I'm tired of it, I want people to finally wake up, open their eyes and give me what I want for a change. Not what they want-what I want!"
"So inspirational!" Buck weeped, wiping a tear from his eye, and salluting Jacob as the USA flag radomly appeared behind his muscular body.
"And furthurmore-EUUGGHH!" Buck stopped salluting. Jacob's speech had been interuppted by an arrow that had been shot right through him. He fell to the ground, either dead or unconcious.
"Aww, COME ON!" screamed Buck, kicking the ground in fury. "What is it THIS time!?" he snapped turning around.
A young girl, of about 16 had just jumped down from the tree, with a bow and arrow bag over her shoulder. She was very pretty, with a dark brown braid and eyes like a feisty animal.
"Uhh-you-"
"S'up! Katniss Everdeen, my friend! Here to end your troubles. And I'm bringing home a wolf for dinner tonight!"
"You-you killed him!"
"Yep!" she said merilly, swinging Jacob's carcass over her shoulder, "Now, if you don't mind, I've got the Games to win, kind of in a Life/Death Tournament thing, volunteered for my little sister-long story."
"S-sounds complicated."
There was an awkward silence.
"Who are you again?!"
"I'm your Friendly Neighbourhood Katniss!" and then she back-flipped away.
Before Buck had enough time to establish and take in all that had happened, he saw a bright light appear in the sky.
Oh, great, what, are aliens invading now? Strangely enough, that's what seemed to be happening. The bright light eminating from the sky was getting closer and closer by the minute.
"What the hell-" Buck began.
And then it came into view.
A cat. A grey cat. With what apperared to be a pop-tart body...and a rainbow, streamline tail, stretching out behind it. Soaring across the sky, and singing the most annoying song ever heard!
nyannyanmeowmoewmoewnyannyan meowmeowmeownyanmeowmeowmeow nyanmeownyanmeow!
Where this God-Awful creature had come from-Buck didn't know, and nor did he want to. He just wanted to get the heck out of here-Far, Far Away!
But as he turned to leave, behind him, met a horrible sight.
Justin Bieber, Rebbecca Black, A Double Rainbow, a keyboard playing cat, a talking orange, a weird danceing man, totoros, a yellow cat thing with lightning coming out of it which kept yelling Pikachu-and black and white animated sketches doing random things-were all standing, in the same place, all talking at once, and all singing, or laughing or danceing.
It was a Nightmare!
"What the £$%*&! going on!?" exclaimed Buck.
"Hey little guy!"
"Don't Touch Me, Bieber!"
Baby, Baby, Baby, Ohh, like, Baby Baby, Baby, Nooo!
Just as Buck couldn't think this could possibly get any worse, the girl standing next to him started singing.
It's FFFriday, FFFridaay, gotta get down on FFFFRRIDAAY! Everybody's lookin' forward to weekend, weekend!
"AAAAAAAGGGGHHH!" Buck clutched his ears in pain, as he ran through numerous memes, reacting differently to each one.
trollololol
"GAGGH!"
"Hey, Hey Buck!"
"WWHHATT?!"
"I'm an Orange!"
"ARRGGH!"
Buck just ran, he didn't even stop to look back, even though he was being followed by shouts of "Gangnam Style!" and "Caramelldansen," "Ouch Charlie!"
Eventually, he made it into the trees leaving the memes behind and bumped straight into a woman. A lady who looked surprised that she'd be seeing a weasle today.
"Quick, ma'am! You've got to help me!"
"Okay, okay, Calm down sweetie! Now, what's the problem?"
"I-I'm being chased by Internet memes!"
"Internet Memes?!" Ain't nobody got time for that!
NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO!" Buck screamed, as the echos of the memes came closing in on him...
Buck jolted awake, shuddering, panting and sweating. Oh, what a horrible nightmare-anyway, Thank God it was just a dream, and now he was off to go Dino-Hunting.
"Hey, you feeling better?"
Uh-Oh! Buck looked over to his side, and there was the meme lady he had bumped into in his dream.
"Wha-Bu-How...!?"
"You fainted and took a nasty fall to the head-so we all came here to cheer you up!"
Buck looked around him. Dozens of Memes. EVERYWHERE!
"Why Me? WHY ME!?" he wailed. Oh, blow it! Next time, he was going to stay in bed!
ME: So, did you like my little story?
BUCK: Uhh, no. It sucked.
ME: Aww, Why?!
BUCK: Because everything bad happens to me, that why!
ME: That's the point! It's a comedy!
BUCK: Well, sister, I hate to be Simon Cowell here, but look kiddo-you were dreadful, just dreadful, awful. The plot is weird, and doesn't make any sense, the characters are messed up and the way you round it all off is like the ending of a sitcom!
ME: That's, the point.
JACOB: Umm, 'scuse me, but-why did you kill me off?
ME: *looks over to sofa where Jacob is sitting,* Because I felt like it!
JACOB: But I'm like the main character!
ME: That's BUCK!
JACOB: Who?
ME: I think I liked you better when you were playing Sharkboy.
JACOB: Hey, you SWORE you'd never speak of that!
ME: Too late, everyone knows.
JACOB: Ugh! *makes pouting face*
BUCK: Umm-hey. Aren't you forgetting something?
ME: Wha-Oh Yes! Happy Sort-of Birthday Buckrocks, hope this has been an enjoyable treat for you and not too random! Also, I don't own Ice Age, Twilight, Harry Potter, the Hunger Games or any of the memes and characters mentioned in this story. And to anyone else reading this: If you got the little pop-culture references here and there, or any of the memes-well done you! I disclaime those as well though.
DIEGO: Yeah, nice disclaimer-makes up for the strangest ever story!
ME: Diego, Get Back in the corner!
*Diego slouches, muttering angrily back to "the corner."
ME: BUCK AND JACOB: Thanks For Reading!