::
You still have nightmares.
You still wake up screaming and your hand still reaches for your ax that isn't there.
You still have panic attacks whenever someone stands too close to you.
You're still scared of water.
You always said the games wouldn't break you.
But they did.
::
"Johanna, wake up. It's okay. Johanna!"
You shoot up, crashing into the chest of whoever is shaking you.
Your eyes meet his and your body tenses before relaxing completely against him. Your head falls against his collarbone and you breathe heavily as he runs his fingers through your hair.
"The games are over, Jo. You're never going back, I promise. I'll never let them hurt you again."
Finnick's words are sincere and the protective edge to his voice makes your heart race.
Even though you know he doesn't mean it like that.
He could never mean it like that.
At least not with you.
::
The first time you met him, you fell in love.
He had been in the games, just like you.
He had won, just like you.
But he had kept living.
You hadn't.
You knew about what Snow was making him do. And you knew how much it hurt him.
It wasn't like Snow hadn't tried to make you do the same thing. But unlike Finnick, you had no family left to threaten.
You had no one left to love.
He had Annie.
You felt like a cliche romance novel.
Girl meets boy. Girl loves boy. Boy loves someone else.
Love is weird.
You kind of hate it.
::
The quarter quell was brutal and just as terrible as you thought it'd be. But somehow having a job to do made it easier.
Yours was simple.
Protect Katniss.
You liked the Girl on Fire.
She was brave and strong and fiery. You respected that.
(andsheremindedyouofyou)
You liked Peeta too.
He was fast and smart and willing to do anything to save Katniss.
(andheremindedyouoffinnick)
::
President Snow is a cruel, ruthless, horrible human being.
And you don't think you've ever hated anyone more than you hate him.
And you hate a lot of people.
If it wasn't for him, there would be no games.
If it wasn't for him, you would still be sane.
If it wasn't for him...
Finnick would still be alive.
::
You miss him.
Can you miss someone you never really had?
He loved you.
You know that.
It just wasn't in the way that you loved him.
He was Finnick and his smile could change the world.
You think it shows how good of a person he was that he could even find something to smile about.
::
"Johanna?"
You're sitting in the training room, staring at the trident that hangs on the wall.
You feel like it's taunting you.
"What?"
Peeta steps forward, but then stops.
"I'm sorry."
You don't look away from the weapon.
"I know you were in love with him and-"
He's pressed against the wall with your arm across his throat before he can finish.
"You know nothing."
You force the words out roughly, but then your anger fades away and you let him go, turning back to the trident. You run your fingers over the silver and close your eyes as a tear escapes.
You feel Peeta's hand on your shoulder and you let him pull you away.
::
Months go by and you still feel numb.
Peeta never told anyone about your breakdown in the training center and you're grateful.
You already get enough stares as it is.
Then, one day, you see her.
Annie.
You freeze, looking for an exit that isn't there.
"Johanna?"
You don't have a right to be this sad.
Not when the girl Finnick loved is standing in front of you.
You open your mouth, but she shakes her head and you don't say whatever empty platitude you were planning to.
"I know. And he loved you too."
"Not like he loved you."
She pauses, looks at your curiously. "No. But I don't think that makes it mean any less."
You blink and then you're running.
Away from Annie's comforting words.
Away from Finnick's empty room.
Away from Peeta's concerned eyes.
Away from everything.
::
You lied when you said there was no one left you love.
Maybe it's your fault.
Maybe you cursed him.
Maybe you're the reason he's dead.
Or maybe he was always too brave for his own good.
Maybe he was always too willing to protect everyone else.
"Why did you sacrifice yourself, Finnick? Why? Did you ever think that we needed you? Annie needs you! I need you! Why couldn't you just let someone else be the hero for once in your life and come home alive? Why did you always have to be the brave one?"
You sigh, glaring at the water in front of you. It was always his element.
You seem to be spending more and more time on the bridge, watching the waves.
"And I know it's selfish, but I wish you had let someone else do it. I wish you had thought of yourself and Annie and me and stepped back."
"I just really wish you were still here."
You glance down at the water again.
"If I didn't think you'd hate me for it, I would probably jump."
"But I won't. I made you a promise once and I never break promises."
"Even if you broke yours."
::
"You have to promise me that you won't let them break you. Promise me, Johanna, that no matter what happens you will never give up."
Finnick looks at you with so much emotion in his eyes that you find yourself nodding.
"Okay. I promise."
He smiles and tosses an arm around you. "Good. And I promise that I'll always be here for you."
"Forever?"
"Forever and always."
::