A Mighty Wind Stirs Up Much Romance
Author's note: The basis for this story is the fact that at least three of the guest stars on Boston Legal in season 2 are in a lot of the Christopher Guest mockumentaries. This story is about a documentary about Marlene Stanger, Clifford Cabot, and Edwin Poole. The parts where the characters seem to be speaking to no one in particular, they are supposed to be being interviewed, as in a documentary.
Marlene Stanger was putting some appointments in her palm pilot when there was a knock on her office door. "It's open." she said.
Clifford Cabot came in the door. "Marlene." he said.
"Oh, Professor Cabot. Don't tell me you're in trouble again." Marlene said.
"No, no. Not at all. I just wanted to congratulate you."
"On what?" Marlene said.
"On winning the case, of course. That was brilliant, that First Amendment defense. And getting Wes Craven up there, well, that was just stupendous. I couldn't believe it."
"Well, it wasn't easy." Marlene said.
"Well, I think that you are absolutely amazing." Clifford said.
Marlene sighed. "Well, your congratulations are accepted. Now, was there anything else you wanted?"
"Well, I wanted to- He sighed. "I don't get many dates, Marlene." he said.
"Mr. Cabot-
"And I would be honored if you would have dinner with me. A brilliant woman like you must have a lot of suitors, I know, but all I'm asking for is one date, Marlene. If it doesn't go well, I'll leave you alone. I won't ask for any more dates, I promise." Clifford said.
Marlene sighed. "I'll think about it." she said.
"You will? Oh, thank you. You don't know how much this means to me." Clifford said.
Marlene went back to her palm pilot.
"I think it went very well. I mean, she said she'd think about it." Clifford said later.
"You know, Marlene's not all that much younger than me. A good fifteen years, at least. But I think it could work out." He paused.
"She's really a very brilliant attorney, you know. And she's got grace, class, style. It's rare to find all of those things in a woman." He looked down.
"Of course, some women might be wary of me, because of my, ah, research habits. But I can assure you, I don't do that anymore. My next research study will be called "The Working Habits of the Average American Exotic Dancer". Researched very thoroughly, of course."
Later, Marlene was walking down the hall when she was accosted by Edwin Poole. He had yet again been released from the sanitarium.
"Hello, Marlene." he said.
"Oh, hello, Mr. Poole. Welcome back. I hear you just got out again." Marlene said, busy with her palm pilot.
"Yes. It's good to be back. I hope no one forgot whose name is middle on the door. Not last, but middle." Edwin said.
"Yes, Mr. Poole. Your name is definitely not last."
Edwin smiled. "Nice day isn't it?" he said.
"Yes." Marlene said, not really paying attention.
"You know, I have quite an attraction to squid." Edwin said.
"Well, then, I suggest you talk to one of our other clients. He has a thing for cows." Marlene said.
"No, I mean figurative squid." Edwin said.
"What?"
"Only a squid can kill a shark." Edwin said.
"Mr. Poole, I don't know what you're talking about, but I've got work to do." Marlene said.
"What I mean to say is that I'm in love with you, my dear." Edwin said.
"Mr. Poole, please." Marlene said.
"But I am. Would you have dinner with me?"
"Mr. Poole, I'm busy." Marlene said.
"Well, let's have dinner when you're not busy." Edwin said.
"I'm going to be busy for a while." Marlene said.
"I can wait. How long?"
"For the rest of my life, Mr. Poole." Marlene said.
"But Marlene. You have to have dinner with me. My name is on the letterhead." Edwin said.
Marlene sighed and kept on walking.
"Is there someone else? Is it Denny?" Edwin said.
"Mr. Poole, I can't talk now. I'm busy."
"Is it Shirley? Are you a-
"Mr. Poole, please! Just because I don't want to date you doesn't mean I'm a lesbian! Now, if you don't leave me alone, I'll file a complaint against you for sexual harassment." Marlene said.
"But it's not overtly sexual, my dear. I just want to be near you." Edwin said.
Marlene sighed. "Mr. Poole, I know you think that because I'm a woman, that gives you the right to make advances toward me. But from now on, I want you to think of me just like you would a man."
"Just like a man?"
"Think of me in the way you would a male co-worker." Marlene said. She went into her office and shut the door.
"You know, it's very tough being a female in any professional environment, and gaining the respect of your male co-workers. They all have one thing on their minds. Sex." Marlene said later.
"None of them take me seriously as a lawyer. They all think women are there for them to hit on. Like today, for example. One of our clients tried to date me, and then one of the founding partners, Edwin Poole, oh, am I supposed to use his name? I'm not? Okay, never mind? Mr. X tried to hit on me, claiming I 'had' to date him because his name is on the letterhead. Not last, but middle. Ooops, that kind of gives it away doesn't it? Oh, well." She paused.
"Most men don't recognize that I'm a kick-ass lawyer. Like this one client, the one who tried to date me, Clifford Ca-I mean, Mr. Z, recognized my abilities, but he wanted to date me. Is that all I am to him? A little cupcake? A thing for his pleasure? Just because I'm a woman. It's not fair. Not fair at all." She shook her head.
"Of course, there is this one co-worker of mine, Deni-I mean, Ms. X, who is a little cupcake. A lightweight cream puff. Not a good lawyer at all."
A week later, Marlene was in her office again when Clifford Cabot came in. "Marlene." he said.
Marlene looked up from her palm pilot. "Oh, hello again, Mr. Cabot." she said.
"Have you had some time to think about-?
"Yes, I have." Marlene said.
"And?"
"And-I'm still considering it." Marlene said.
"You sure do know how to make a man wait. That's sexy. I like that." Clifford said.
Marlene was about to respond vindictively when suddenly Edwin came in.
"Mr. Poole. What is it?" Marlene said.
"Marlene. Do you remember last week when you said to think of you as a man?" Edwin said.
"Yes."
"Well, I did. I thought of you as one. I really had myself convinced you were a man. And then, when I realized you were a man, I-well, I still didn't care. I'm still in love with you Marlene. Even though you're a man." Edwin said.
"I'm not really a man, Mr. Poole." Marlene said.
"You're not?"
"No."
"Oh, thank goodness. I'm not really gay." Edwin said.
Marlene sighed in exasperation. "Mr. Poole, I didn't mean for you to literally think of me as a man. What I meant was for you to think of me as though I was equal with any of the men around here. I want you to have respect for me as a lawyer." Marlene said.
"But Marlene. I have tremendous respect for you as a lawyer. That's part of the reason I'm in love with you." Edwin said.
Marlene sighed. "Well, that's very nice, Mr. Poole. But I'm afraid I'm not in love with you."
"But why not, Marlene?" Edwin said.
"Well, because…"
"Because why?"
"Well, for one, you're too old for me. And another, you're, well, you're…"
"What?"
"Screwy in the head. Mr. Poole, you were in an insane asylum. I don't date crazy people."
Edwin looked crushed. "Oh. All right, then." He turned to leave.
Marlene felt sorry, in spite of her cold, squid-like nature.
"Mr. Poole." she said.
He turned around. "What is it, Marlene?" he said.
"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be that way. It's just…you're so…pestiferous. But you're not crazy." Marlene said.
"I know, I am. But I'm sane enough to know that you're the woman for me. I just know it." Edwin said.
Marlene sighed. "Mr. Poole, I-
"Please, call me Edwin." Edwin said.
"All right. Edwin, then."
"Will you give me a chance?" Edwin said.
Marlene sighed. "Why not?" she said.
He took her hand.
"Wait a minute. What about me?" Clifford said.
Marlene sighed. "Mr. Cabot, I respect you as a client, but I don't date perverts. I'm sorry." she said.
"Perverts?" Clifford said.
"Yes, Mr. Cabot. Anyone who does what you do is a pervert. Now, if you don't have any serious business related matters, please leave my office." Marlene said, pointing her finger at the door.
Clifford left.
"Well, I can get over her rejection." Clifford said later.
"Rejection doesn't really bother me. I've been rejected before, and I've taken it pretty well. But I don't cotton to being called a pervert. I'm a legitimate field researcher. So I like to conduct my research a little more extensively than most. It doesn't mean I'm a pervert." He sighed.
"I thought about going in there and saying, Marlene, as a lawyer, I want you to get me off. But then I thought that would make the situation a lot worse. She might sue me for sexual harassment. Then I'd have to be up against the squid. I'd like to be." He looked up suddenly.
"Can you-can you cut that part out? I never said that. I meant in court, of course. Of course I wouldn't like to be. I mean…"
He sighed. "I don't have a leg to stand on."
He looked up. "But I am in a meaningful relationship now. LaFonda, she's called. I think we've really progressed in getting to know each other." He paused.
"Of course, she still charges me a hundred bucks a night."
"Well, at first, at the thought of dating Edwin, I was repulsed." Marlene said, three months later.
"You were?" Edwin said.
"I said at first. But then I learned, he really is a very sweet man. And very sexy, I must say." Marlene said.
"Do you really think so?" Edwin said.
"Yes. I do." Marlene said.
"He is a little crazy. But then again, so is everyone else at Crane, Poole, and Schmidt." Marlene said.
"I think Marlene really likes the crazy men. It really turns her on." Edwin said.
"Well, like I said, you may be the sanest man at Crane, Poole, and Schmidt. And I think that without a doubt, I'm the sanest woman. Unlike Denis-uh, Ms. X. Oh, what the heck. Denise Bauer is completely unprofessional, and her hair smells like cheap conditioner. And, she's sleeping with Brad Chase. I don't have to bow down to her." Marlene said.
"Nope. She's not bowin' to Denise. That's for sure." Edwin said.
"No, I'm not." Marlene said.
"I really think I can help Marlene in a lot of ways. I really think, that with my help, she can achieve her personal velocity." Edwin said.
"Yes, I can. I can accomplish a lot with Edwin by my side. More than I've ever accomplished in any other relationship." Marlene said.
"I think we have accomplished a lot today." Edwin said.
"Yes, we did." Marlene said.
"And all without the help of Captain Kirk or Murphy Brown." Edwin said.
"What? What are you talking about? Who are they?" Marlene said.
"I surely don't know. It just popped into my mind. I have no idea what it means." Edwin said.
"That happens quite often. He has diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain sometimes." Marlene said.
"It's true." Edwin said.
"But no matter. We're very much in love. Aren't we, Edwin?" Marlene said.
"Yes, we are. And I won her affections over that Clifford Cabot fellow." Edwin said.
"Shh! Edwin, we're not supposed to say names. Mr. X." Marlene said.
"Oh, right. Well, I won her affections over Mr. X."
"I never would have picked Mr. X over you anyway. Mr. X is a pervert."
"He sure is."
"He practically had to beg me for a date. But I still didn't give in. I knew he wasn't right for me." Marlene said.
"Did you say 'Begley'?" Edwin said.
"No, I said he had to beg me for a date. Who's Begley?"
"I haven't the slightest idea. It just rolled across the vast computer screen of my brain." Edwin said.
"Now his mouth really has the runs. Vast computer screen?" Marlene said.
"My mind is like a-very large computer. Things just flash across it. I don't know what they mean." Edwin said.
"If your mind is like a computer, then it must be a computer on the blink." Marlene said.
"She's feisty, isn't she?" Edwin said.
"Well, anyway, I really think that this relationship is one of the best I've ever been in. I really think that Edwin is the one. I really think so." Marlene said.
"Does that mean you want to get married?" Edwin said.
Marlene smiled. "We'll see." she said.
"Speaking of getting married, did you hear that Denise Bauer and Brad Chase are engaged?" Edwin said.
Marlene's smiled turned into a frown. "What on earth do they have to do with anything?" she said.
"Just making conversation. She doesn't like Denise." Edwin said.
"No, I don't." Marlene said.
"She's not bowin' down to her, that's for sure. No sir." Edwin said.
Marlene turned to Edwin. "Why do you keep saying that? What does it mean?" she said.
"My dear, I haven't the faintest idea." Edwin said.
"No, I don't really feel one way or the other about Denise. She's nothing to me. Less than zero." Marlene said.
"She's not the only one." Edwin said.
"What do you mean?"
"Who's less than zero. A lot of people at Crane, Poole, and Schmidt are." Edwin said.
"Well, that's a sure thing." Marlene said.
"It's a shore thing." Edwin said.
"What do you mean?"
"Darned if I know." Edwin said.
Marlene sighed and rolled her eyes. "Oh, well. Edwin may be screwy in the head, but I'm still in love with him." Marlene said.
"Yes. Well, we've got to go. Back to the old grind of Crane, Poole, and Schmidt." Marlene said.
"Which, by the way, I'd like it to be noted that my name is second on the letterhead. Not last, but second." Edwin said.
"That's right. His name is second on the letterhead." Marlene said.
"Before we go, Marlene, I'd like to say that there's something I know we can both achieve together. Both literally and figuratively." Edwin said.
"What's that darling?" Marlene said.
"The oh in Ohio." Edwin said.
Marlene smiled. "Maybe we will. Tonight." she said.
The End