Never Has, Never Will
Author's note: I haven't seen any episodes of Boston Legal where they said exactly how that Denny Crane and Shirley Schmidt first met, so I embellished quite a few details.
Shirley Schmidt was working late in her office one night. It was dark, and most everyone else had left. She was writing when suddenly her pen ran out of ink. She opened her drawer, and was rummaging through it for another pen, when she came across a picture of herself and Denny. She picked it up and looked at it. This picture was from thirty years ago. She smiled. This picture was of the Denny Crane of years ago, before the so-called "Mad Cow". Shirley remembered the first time they had met.
She was in her late twenties, and he was in his early forties. He was very handsome, with a rich, deep, resonating voice that had rung out in many courtrooms. Shirley herself was inexperienced as a lawyer, as she had just graduated law school a few years before. And she was now meeting the legendary, great attorney. The one who couldn't be beaten. Never has, never will, as he has said so many times himself. She had gone over to him, and introduced herself. "I'm Shirley Schmidt." she had said.
And then he had said it, those two combustible little words, the words that would later become so familiar to her.
"Denny Crane."
On their first date, he had taken her to a very high-priced restaurant. Of course he had, it was his style. Denny Crane would never eat at a dive. Never has, never will, as he would say. And he would certainly not take a woman on a date to a dive. Especially not one he planned on sleeping with.
"So. This is your first job as an attorney?" Denny said.
"Yes. But it certainly isn't yours. You're a legend, Mr. Crane. When I was studying to be a lawyer, I wanted to be just like you." Shirley said.
Denny waved his hand aside. "Please. Call me Denny. But I hear a lot of young lawyers say that. That they want to be just like the great Denny Crane." he said.
Shirley smiled. "I'm sure you do. Is it overwhelming?" she said.
"No, actually. Very flattering, though, being the object of so much admiration." Denny said.
Shirley smiled. "I wouldn't know." she said.
"Well, you will, someday. I have the feeling that you have the making of a great lawyer. And you're a very beautiful woman, I must say. That always helps in the courtroom." Denny said.
Shirley felt a twinge of irritation at his sexism. "That's a rather sexist remark, Denny." she said.
"Oh, well, but it's true." Denny said.
"I want to be valued for my abilities as a lawyer, not for my looks. You wouldn't say that to a male lawyer." Shirley said.
"Well, maybe you're right. I apologize, Shirley. I'm sure you're a very good lawyer. But tell me, is it your first time in bed, as well?" Denny said.
Shirley blushed furiously, and was glad that it was fairly dark in the restaurant. "Mr. Crane!" she said. "Surely you don't think that anything like that is going to occur tonight!"
"Well, I was hoping." Denny said. His eyes twinkled brightly in the candlelight.
"Mr. Crane." Shirley said. "Really." But she was flattered, in spite of herself. She was used to men hitting on her, and she found it very annoying, usually. But this wasn't just anyone hitting on her. This was Denny Crane, the man she had so admired, all during her years at law school.
"Do you like to dance, Shirley?" Denny said.
"Yes, I do." Shirley said.
"Well, then. Come with me. They're playing our song." Denny said.
"I didn't know we had one." Shirley said.
"I have a feeling that we will, over time." Denny said.
"I'll bet you say that to all your women." Shirley said.
"I do. But you're different." Denny said.
"Oh, really? What's different about me?" Shirley said with a smile.
"I have a feeling that you might come close to outlasting the great Denny Crane." he said.
Shirley thought at first that this was some kind of sexual innuendo. But something about it had sounded different.
"What do you mean?" she said. By this time, they were on the dance floor, and the pianist was playing "As Time Goes By".
"I have a feeling that you'll almost match me in every way. In the courtroom, in repartee, in bed. Of course no one can beat Denny Crane. Never has, never will." Denny said.
"We'll see about that, Mr. Crane." Shirley said.
She swung out, and he pulled her back, close to him. She could smell the spicy scent of his aftershave.
"I can tell that you're already falling for me, Ms. Schmidt." Denny said.
Shirley smiled. "And how is that, Mr. Crane?" she said.
"I can always tell when a woman is in love with me. And you have it written all over you." he said. "Together, Shirley, we can build an even greater legacy than I already have. Crane and Schmidt. I can see it now."
"Crane and Schmidt. Something about that is missing." she said.
"It sounds perfectly complete to me." Denny said.
"I suppose you think I'm going to bed with you tonight." Shirley said.
"I'm as sure of it as I am of the fact that Denny Crane has never been beaten." Denny said.
"Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but I don't get busy on the first date. So if you want to see me anymore, you'll just have to wait awhile." Shirley said.
And Shirley saw a light of respect in his eyes after she'd said it. Here was a woman who was not afraid to stand up to the great Denny Crane. Here was a woman who made him realize that while he was the greatest trial attorney who ever lived, he was still a man. Not immortal. And while he didn't like his feeling of his immortality deflated, he respected her. Denny Crane had finally met his match, in the form of a young associate named Shirley Schmidt, who was fifteen years younger than him. A woman, the only woman who could keep his ego in check.
"But do you kiss on the first date?" Denny asked.
"I might consider it." Shirley replied.
Their lips met, and they were kissing before she knew it. As they kissed, she said a name that he would remember forever, albeit secondarily. "Shirley Schmidt." she said. "Remember that name. It's going to be up on a wall someday."
"I have no doubt." Denny replied. "Maybe even beside mine."
As Shirley remembered this, a smile played on her lips. She had been caught up in the magic of that evening, which seemed so long ago, and so far away, that she didn't hear Denny come into her office. "Shirley." he said.
Shirley looked up, startled. "Oh, hello Denny." she said. "I didn't hear you come in."
"Well, I always like to make a stealthy entrance. They never hear me coming." Denny said.
Shirley smiled. "No, they never do." she said.
"Working late?" he said.
"Yes. I'm just trying to finish up this paperwork here." Shirley said.
"Well, I guess I won't bother you, then. I was just leaving, anyway." Denny said.
Shirley smiled curtly. "All right. I'll see you tomorrow." she said.
"Before I go, let me leave you with this statement." he said. "Denny Crane."
Shirley smiled. "Of course." she said.
He left. Shirley sighed. Seeing the photograph of Denny reminded her of the way he once had been. Whenever he shot someone, or said any kind of inanity, or his own name, she would think of the way he was then. She felt a twinge of sadness, and then reminded herself that the great Denny Crane would not want anyone's pity, or sadness. After all, he was still Denny Crane. Still undefeated. He couldn't be beaten. Never has, never will. So she would not feel sad for him, because she knew he would not want anyone's pity. Denny Crane doesn't need anyone, he would say. Never has, never will. But through it all, even when he was at his most egotistical and vain, or crazy, or trigger-happy, lascivious, or all the things he could be, after all they'd been through, good and bad, Shirley never stopped loving him. She never said so, of course, because he wouldn't like that. But she never stopped loving him. Never has, never will.
The End