A/N I don't own Naruto. Rei and Tei are shameless self-inserts for myself (Rei) and my beloved sister Astarael's Get (Tei), who you should please go to see if you like this! Fanfics also featuring Akatsuki plus Rei and Tei are Sweet Angels, by moi, and the truly hilarious Leader's Towel, by Astarael's Get.
Of the many frailties of mankind, one of the most unavoidable and often inconvenient is the need to pee. This happens to almost all humans on a regular basis, and can sometimes have inconvenient, or even disastrous consequences, some of which can change a person's life forever, some of which can simply change a person's opinion, or teach them something interesting about themselves or those around them.
Take Deidara, for example.
Deidara had just returned to the Akatsuki headquarters after a long and tedious journey home from a dull and annoyingly explosive-free mission. And he needed to pee. So, as most people who need to pee do, he headed for the nearest bathroom.
This involved passing two bedrooms; the first one was Miyako Reikisha's, and the second one was Suzuka Telaki's. It could be said that the events told here were Deidara's own fault, as nobody bearing a need not to be distracted passed the lairs of the voodoo sisters Rei and Tei.
Rei's door was slightly ajar, which was unusual for the ninja-seamstress, who had a distracting habit of knifing anyone who entered her personal space without her express permission, preferably in writing. Deidara, being a chivalrous gentleman and certainly not thinking of stealing Rei's photo album and using it for blackmail, peered through the gap and into Rei's room.
The room was occupied, but not by the purple-haired kunoichi. It was occupied by a tall man in a mask and a very noticeable skin tone; Kakuzu. He was sat on the doll-laden four-poster bed nobody was sure how Rei had acquired or gotten into her room, a drawer in front of him; he was going through it's contents, which were mostly small, black and lacy.
It was a fact grudgingly accepted throughout the Akatsuki that Kakuzu wore women's underwear; he had denied it right up until Konan had stolen the CCTV tape of Kakuzu making purchases at a lingerie store. However, Deidara was still intrigued to know why Kakuzu was rooting through Rei's Unmentionables. Possibly he was looking for inspiration; Tei frequently and loudly offered her opinions on Kakuzu's apparently terrible taste in underwear.
"Too small… too big… too elasticy… Not lacy enough…" He was muttering to himself as he searched. Finally he pulled out something that seemed to satisfy his curiosity; a very see-through bra and some extremely brief briefs. He nodded to himself and set those aside as he replaced all the items he had tossed aside in his search, and put the drawer back where it belonged. Then, he carefully put the chosen garments into the inside pocket of his cloak and slipped out of the room, muttering to himself about going to try them on; Deidara scooted back around the corner to hide just in time to avoid the stingy knicker-theif.
Slightly disturbed by the incident, Deidara continued on to the bathroom, hurrying more now due to the increase in pressure on his bladder, and would have made in quickly if he hadn't heard a raised voice as he passed Tei's room: "For the last time, I am not getting you a lemur!" The words floated over his head for a moment before registering, but when they did, he quickly retraced his steps; Tei's door was closed, but the first voice had definitely been Rei's, and Tei's now whined.
"Why not?"
"Because… because!"
"When I said that you told me it was no kind of answer!"
"When I told you that, I'd just asked you why you'd felt the need to replace Rimu's blonde dye with fluorescent pink! Refusing to get a lemur for you is far more reasonable!"
"But – but – but, why? Just give me a reason!"
"Well, for one thing Leader-sama will kill you."
"Leader-sama already wants to kill me." Said Tei matter-of-factly.
"What have you done to make him want that?"
"Well, the whole thing with the spiked punch, the spider incident, that graffiti contest…" Deidara bit back a snort at the memory.
"Correction. What have you done that right at this very moment he wants to kill you for? Not what have you done that he'd kill you for if he knew it was you that did it."
"… I… burnt… his… pie?" The blonde sounded hopeful.
"Nice try. You're relatively safe from Leader-sama at the moment, I'm afraid. Which is more than you would be if I got you a lemur. Besides, you know Leader-sama likes his food burnt, to remind him of the temporary and insufficient nature of pathetic mortality, and that imperfection brings with it the gentle hand of beauty, like the soft sounds and gentle colours of the lush forests in fading autumn, and also enhances the flavour of the pastry."
"I forgot about that, actually."
"It's not hard to remember, Tei."
"I think I was drunk."
"Yeah, that's what she said-"
"Someone's at the door."
There was a silence, then the sound of footsteps, and Rei opened the door. Deidara stepped back slightly.
"What?" She asked, with all the poise and good manner of a dead gecko. Deidara thought fast.
"I thought you should know that Kakuzu just stole your underwear."
This news sank in slowly, the eyes of the two kunoichi slowly widening. At last, Rei spoke.
"Did you see which underwear?"
"It was black lace. Teensy knickers and a see-through bra. Then, he said he was going to go try them on."
It took five seconds, but both women turned from peachy to white, then to green.
"I'm gonna be sick!" Rei muttered, staggering past him with one hand over her mouth.
"Me too!" Tei stumbled as she ran past him.
Deidara stared after them, before suddenly, the pressure in his bladder flared. With no other option except one that would be extremely embarrassing, he set off at a sprint to the bathroom.
He made a fatal mistake.
He took a flying leap, aiming for the Boys' Room door.
He missed.
The Ladies' Room was a mirror of the Boys' Room in terms of layout, with toilet and shower cubicles, and sinks along one wall. Vomiting noises were coming from two of the cubicles, and Deidara briefly recognized Tei's blue shoes and Rei's battered pink fluffy bunny slippers that she insisted on wearing whenever she was at the hideout, before realisation dawned.
There were several kunai flying towards his face; he jumped back, and the floor opened up beneath him. He caught a glimpse of spikes at the bottom of the pit as he gracelessly staggered backwards and slammed into the door, which had shut seemingly of its own accord. He became suddenly aware of a taunt wire moving fast towards him at neck level, and ducked just in time to lose a lock of his hair. He dived out of the way of several spiky things that were falling from the ceiling, and noticed the exploding tag his foot was about to fall on; he diverted the step just in time, and screamed, "Make it stop!" as loudly as he could manage, being forced to do a crazy jig to avoid kunai and shuriken from all directions.
"… The hell?" He turned his head, to glimpse Rei coming out of her cubicle, dabbing her mouth with a tissue.
"Help me, Rei!" He shrieked as he lost another lock of hair to a stray kunai.
She looked at him for a few more seconds, then went and tapped on Tei's cubicle door. "Hey, come look!" Tei stuck her head around the door, and burst into hysterics.
"Dance, blondie!" She giggled.
"What the hell is this?" He panted.
"Oh, like you don't booby-trap your bathroom." Rei said, wandering over to a seemingly insignificant part of the wall and tapping a certain tile. The barrage of weapons stopped as suddenly as it had begun.
"You booby-trapped your bathroom?" Deidara demanded, incredulously.
"You don't?" Tei stared. "What if one of us was really desperate and made a flying leap and accidentally went into your bathroom?"
"You could've killed me!"
"You should look before you leap, Deidara." Rei advised solemnly. She paused. "Wow, I never thought I'd be in a situation where that saying would actually be appropriate."
"I can't help that you're both crazy!"
"And I can't help that you went in our bathroom."
"… you actually rigged all those traps just in case a guy accidentally came in here?"
Tei shook her head. "It's Kakuzu, he keeps trying to spy on us in the shower. And Kisame sometimes comes in and steals things."
"What things?"
Rei shrugged. "Loo roll, soap, towels, my shower gel, once he tried to get Tei's rubber duck."
"That's weird."
"Kisame is weird. That trapdoor's about to activate."
Deidara jumped out of the way just in time. "I thought you turned it off!"
"So did I. It gets like that sometimes. Hey, weren't you here for a reason?"
Deidara paused for a moment, then realised that he was about to explode, and ran for the correct bathroom next door, leaving Rei and Tei staring after him.
"You know," Rei said eventually, "not many people get distracted when they need to pee that bad."
"Oh, well. Where were we?"
"Lemurs, as pets, inadvisability thereof." Said Rei firmly.
"I'm bored. Let's take Tobi out to play fetch."
"He's adorable with that Frisbee."
"Does the heart good."
A/N There will be a second chapter! So, please put this on alert! And while you're at it, fave! And also, cookies for reviews. Please?