In one Severus Snape's life, there were four moments that could be accurately described as moments that ended an upward trend in his life. Four moments, two seemingly insignificant and two horrendously devastating that undeniably took his existence and turned it upside down on its head. You make me sound pathetic, and Severus Snape is never pathetic.
Once, Snape might have called them Fate's horrid successes. But with the hindsight of death behind him, the professor had the clarity to also call them cornerstones that undeniably helped shape his decisions and person. You are beginning to irk me, muggle child. You are making me sound like that Pettigrew pest.
And sadly, they all had to do with one beautiful woman. One Lily Potter, if one wanted to be exact. Lily Evans, you insignificant troll, she will always be Lily Evans. If you are writing my story, you will get my thoughts correct or suffer. Lily was once Severus' best friend, and has always been the object of his affections. It's funny actually, that the one event that didn't really have anything to do with Lily, sort of, honestly, kind of still did. Get to it muggle, before I curse you.
The first years filed into the hall, ordered by last names. Young Severus at the back of the line peered around those in front to catch a glance of the redhead with the other "E's". Satisfied that she was looking back at him, he smugly waits for her name to be called. She and he will be Slytherins together, and then nothing will pull them apart.
Not her stupid muggle sister, not his stupid muggle father, not his sad and weak mother, no one. It will be Lily and Severus against the world! The two smartest, most successful wizards of all time who are also best friends. And what letter are they on now? Callaghan...not anyone he knows. Who cares about them?
And he'll be great, but not as great as Lily will be, and together they'll be the most perfect couple the wizard world will have ever- "Evans, Lily!" He stops his inner monologue to watch as she walks slowly up to the stool. He watches with a smirk as the hat is placed atop her fire-bright hair, engulfing her head underneath its brim. This better not be going where I think, miss. You will not make me into some fool who pines after what he cannot have.
He knows what the hat will say. It will open up, and announce for the entire world, Sly- "Gryffindor!" And he groans, quietly and cuts it off before too many people hear it. And he watches her give him a sad smile and sit next to those rotten, brutish, boy from the train. There's a pang in his chest, and the voice in the back of his head chides that there will be no happily ever after, Mr. And Mrs. Snape from the Slytherin house. It wasn't like that. You're a hopeless, romantic fool of a muggle. What you are suggesting is simply preposterous. I am not a lovesick fool, and I have never been a lovesick fool.
Many more Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, and Slytherins were sorted before they even got to "S's". "Smith, Albert!" The names were getting precariously close to Snape…perhaps he could get into Gryffindor? And then it was his turn, "Snape, Severus!" He walked calmly, head held high, to the stool. He took his seat, and as the hat descended, he waited.
The hat was much too big for him, he decided. It fell over his eyes, and obscured his visions of Lily. Most unsatisfactory…He knew he could feel the hat scrutinizing his thoughts, and for a brief instant he swore that he would not rip the hat to pieces as long as he was beside Lily. He would even tolerate that wipe Potter and his sidekicks and kiss the feet of every rank and undeserving mudblood- "Slytherin!"
He threw one last look at Lily before he had to turn his back on her. One last smile, just for her, and he turned a stoic face upon his own house. There, he could see them clapping and cheering, and a dark corner of his heart brightened. These people wanted him, and when they saw his prowess, would revere him. Who needed those Gryffindors; Lily could be Slytherin in spirit and nothing would have to change.
You take too many liberties with my inner thoughts. You may tone down the drama any time you wish, child.
He had crossed a line. Of all my Lily related memories, you choose this one? Muggle, you are obsessed. "I'm sorry!" He pleaded, he finagled, he twisted around her turned back to gaze into her eyes and convey the sorrow he was feeling in his soul. Romantic garbage, fit only for the boots of the weak. You presume too much.
She continued to keep her back to him, nightgown swishing softly as she revolved to avoid his piercing gaze. He could hear the derision and hurt in her voice, "I'm not interested." He tried once more to catch her eyes, to make her understand how much the fear of what was happening was tearing him up inside. You, presume, too much. May your fingers rot and fall off for the lies you write.
"I'm sorry!" He knew she could hear how hurt he was, and the Prince in him snarled away from the hurt pride this knowledge was costing him. How ironic, he thought plaintively, to hate half of oneself even as you congratulate the other half. He caught just a glimpse of green before she turned away. He drew in breath; he was sure he saw disgust in that look. I believe throttling would cure you of this weak tendency to hyperbole. It is too bad I cannot brew a potion, it is truly incurable. You must be a troll even amongst muggles.
"I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here." His heart skipped a beat, the traitorous organ. Perhaps he could persuade her against abandoning him yet. There was so little that was good in his life, obtaining the admiration and friendship of the elite Slytherins could not cost him his other happiness, could it? That would be cruel. I will not stay here and watch you butcher my memories.
"I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just -" He was hurrying, the words slipping out faster than he had meant. Yes, he had sensed just a little bit of a weakening in her refusal of his apology, but now that weak spot closed, enforced by steel.
"Slipped out?" She whirled around, hem of nightgown swirling and green eyes flashing, no pity. "It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. You and your precious little Death Eater friends – you see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?" That's not…he didn't…
He opened his mouth and gaped for a moment, no sound coming out before closing it. He knew what it looked like, and he knew she was right. The Dark Lord would give him power, and he would no longer be bullied. No more, 'Snivellus!' and no more beatings from drunken muggle fathers…no more weakness. The Dark Lord could give him that.
"I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine." These words sent him into panic, his tongue tripping over itself in an urge to divulge, to justify. He couldn't lose Lily, he couldn't.
"No – listen, I didn't mean -" His voice was cut off by her biting reply. He had never felt so lost before. Even when Tobias had made home worse than any threats of Azkaban, worse than anything that could be dreamed of, he had never felt this close to losing himself.
"- to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?" He struggles with the words on his tongue, to launch them like a saving grace onto their crumbling friendship, but it is too late. She whirls around, and climbs through the portrait hole with a contemptuous look. She hates him…
And then, after the portrait closes, and the Fat Lady glares angrily down at him, he sighs. Turning from the indignant painted woman, the Slytherin casts on last glance on where she had last stood. "…Because I love you…" And this is why I think you are a cretin. You are lucky you were never a student of mine, or you would have lost House Points in the triple digit numbers for this last indiscretion against my honor.
It was a passing moment in the hallway. One insignificant second and only four words, "They are dead, Severus." The students would later wonder why the creepy potions master had fled the grounds, why he had apparated from Hogsmeade to some unknown location as though Hades' hounds were chasing after him. It is still unknown where he went, though some of the bolder students speculate he had gone to visit the Dark Lord.
You will spare me this last dignity. Do not- Dumbledore had been in his office, waiting. I-continue on, then...if you must. The broken man in the chair made mournful, muffled howls that expressed his inner pain. He had never stopped loving her. Not when she married the toerag, not when she bore his son…not when he had joined Voldemort and given up all ties to his former life. All but that one, he had given up.
He raised his head, and there were hundreds of years of guilt and sorrow lining his face aging him significantly. "I thought…you were going…to keep her…safe…" His hyperventilation was slowing, and Dumbledore's face was grim and composed, perhaps offering a calm serenity in Severus' howling storm of grief.
"She and James put their faith in the wrong person," the voice wasn't exactly a drawl, but it didn't nearly convey enough sympathy or pain of his own for Severus to trust it. "Rather like you, Severus. Weren't you hoping that Lord Voldemort would spare her?" His shallow breathing was the only sound for a while.
Of course he had thought that…he had asked for little from the Dark Lord, one muggle-born's life was not too much for an intensely faithful servant to ask for. Then softly, "Her boy survives." He twitched and his whole heart convulsed. For only a brief instant, he allowed himself to hope for some physical remnant of hers.
And then he remembered the boy was half Potter's. You have too much faith in my finer qualities. I assure you, that I have never cared for the Potter boy, nor have I ever wished to. He is James all over again, with a thin veneer of my Lily. "Her son lives. He has her eyes, precisely her eyes. You remember the shape and color of Lily Evans' eyes, I am sure?"
And again his heart convulsed and images of her green eyes, laughing, smiling, teasing, exuberant, and finally furious flashed through his mind. "DON'T!" He yelled, he couldn't handle the influx of those eyes. They mocked his choices, and too late he wished that he had chosen another path. "Gone…dead…"
There was no replacing his Lily, none. Not even if her son had her eyes, because what made those eyes hers would be gone. And then Dumbledore's voice cut through his reverie almost mockingly, "Is this remorse, Severus?" He almost flinched away from that voice, his own pain making him overreact to anyone using his given name.
And he for the first time in a while, voiced his true thoughts, "I wish…I wish I were dead…" Anything to be rid of this awful hurt. If he were dead he would be with her, and would be free of this pain, and this loss. It was his fifth year of school all over again, but this time he couldn't still watch from afar.
Dumbledore's voice was cold; perhaps he saw where this line of thought was leading. "And what use would that be to anyone?" But that's the point; it would be of use to him, to Severus. He could be with Lily, be with Lily…be with Lily. There was no one else left. "If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear."
He would be with Lily, and he would not longer be alone. She would forgive him; she had never known he had loved her so. And Dumbledore was shrewd, knowing not to call her Potter. Potter was a dirty name, and it should never have sullied hers. Lily Evans, pure and beautiful and- what had Dumbledore said? "What – what do you mean?"
He believed he could see what the old wizard was aiming at, but you could never tell. "You know how and why she died. Make sure it was not in vain. Help me protect Lily's son." And he blinked in reaction, grief still swirling within him. Protect Lily's boy, and protect Potter's. But he was Lily's boy…
There was no need, "He does not need protection. The Dark Lord has gone -" He could join Lily, because there was no threat to her boy, the boy with her eyes. There was no need! He had seen- You get to close, leave me my last shred of dignity, you shameless muggle. Dumbledore's face was stern and serious, commanding that he listen closely to his next words.
"The Dark Lord will return, and Harry Potter will be in terrible danger when he does." He took a while to control his breathing. He had forgotten, for a moment, the whelp would carry the toerag's name. How much simpler this would be if he were an Evans! "Very well. Very well. But never – never tell, Dumbledore! This must be between us! Swear it! I cannot bear…especially Potter's son…I want your word!"
The ancient wizard looked at the fervent, anguished man's face, and wondered, "My word, Severus, that I shall never reveal the best of you?" He held contact with the blue eyes, conveying all the words he could not bring himself to say. "If you insist…"
And he slumped backwards into his chair, wondering if it still wouldn't be better if he joined Lily sooner rather than later. He did not know if he could handle another Potter. I handled them both well, considering their over inflated egos.
He was to sit at the long table at the head of the Great Hall. Though his face would never show it, he was nervous. Her son was to be sorted today. He prayed that he would be like Potter; he dreaded becoming attached to a Potter so like his Evans. Salazar's beard, woman! Have you no shame?
McGonagall led in the first years, and he restrained himself from looking for what must be an unsightly shock of black hair somewhere amongst the middle of the small children. And he waited. There were cheers from each table as students were sorted. A sort of chant went up from the hat, "Gryffindor!", "Slytherin!", "Ravenclaw!", "Hufflepuff!" A repetition without end, continuing on with the flow of students until it paused, broken with hushed expectation.
"Potter, Harry!" A small child, ever so small a child, scrambled atop the stool. He wondered if he would find anything in this tiny child that he could bring a feeling of animosity against. He didn't hate children. Most of my former students would disagree with you. I also find it prudent that I find you most inaccurate in your portrayal of me. And the hat stayed silent.
While it deliberated, he listed things about the boy he could hate. He looked like James. No…he looked like a weaker James, a James that had been starved like one Severus Snape. It was close enough…he hated himself anyway. He had delivered Lily's death, so he would take it.
And then, the hat opened the rip in its body, "Gryffindor!" The table of the lion roared in approval, and he bored his eyes into the Potter child, to see if he was a James, or a Lily. He saw no indication of either, but decided he would be a James. He was a James. He will never be a Lily.
He even had the hair.
There is a saying that to truly understand a man, you need to walk two moons in his shoes. To disagree- Of course, the muggle with the laptop know all. I should have realized this earlier. To disagree it must be stated that it is believed that if you are truly to understand a man you must understand the four moments, the four cornerstones that his life seems to be based on. And you chose three of my worst memories to do so? I will never understand muggles.
So it comes to pass, that the four cornerstones of Severus Snape's life revolve around one woman. A woman of red hair, green eyes, and a loving spirit who captured his lonely, hurting heart. This must be your meager retribution for the line you call a fourth wall. Pathetic, even for a muggle. May his life and character be better understood by all.
Geez Snape, think you could've left me some sort of semblance of a Fourth Wall? No. I do not believe you were deserving. I dock House Ryss 300 points for mocking a professor. Jerk...You're lucky I love you. Oh heavens, forbid should you not. Save your snark for someone who deserves it!
So I hope you liked this! I really wanted to do something for Snape, because he's my favorite character now (besides Neville), and I hope it turned out well! Let me know, please! I own nothing! (I probably should have put that at the top...)