Dedicated to a bestie who wanted to see angst and broken-hearted Donnie. Why you make me write dis. Why. My poor purple turtle baby.
Chapter 1:
"DONNIE! LEO BROKE THE TOASTER AGAIN!"
Donnie jolted at the sudden reappearance of broken toaster, the weight smashing onto the table with an almighty crash. With the utter lack of sleep, intricate chemical experiments, and multiple failures throughout the night, his patience finally snapped.
"Mikey! What have I told you about KNOCKING BEFORE ENTERING." He barked over his shoulder.
The orange-masked turtle was unabashed. He knocked on Donnie's shell and grinned manically. "Duude. You look awful. how many hours didja sleep?"
"Not enou-I need to concentrate, and I can't do that with you THROWING TOASTERS ALL OVER MY LAB." Donnie's eye twitched.
"Whoa whoa whoa! Chill! Calm down man, I won't do it again!" Mikey held up his hands innocently.
With an exasperated huff, Donnie turned back to the retro mutagen experiment and attempted to regain his bearings.
"...Can I touch that?"
"No. Don't touch anythi-Mikey!" Donatello reached out, but it was too late. With ill timing and their combined fumble, the entire test tube was knocked into the concoction with a soft splash.
"Oops." Mikey stared at the mix as it began to turn an alarming shade of gray.
"Get down!" Donnie regained his wits. He yanked Mikey down by his shell just as the test tubes violently combusted in a plume of glass shards and chemical. The explosion filled the laboratory with visible, foul-smelling smoke that they had to wave away for the sake of their burning lungs and watery eyes.
"Now look what you've done Mikey." Donnie groaned in exasperation and swept a weary hand over his face. "That was my last batch of retro mutagen!"
"Oh man. I'm sorry bro." Mikey cringed apologetically and looked genuinely sorry for about a second. "Does thi mean you can fix the toaster now?" He brightened up. Donnie groaned again.
After fixing the toaster and firmly shooing a hyperactive Mikey out of the lab, Donnie was left standing over the charred remains of his twenty eight-going on nine-hour experiment. Welp. There goes my chance of saving New York. His green shoulders slumped. And any chance at getting on April's good side....Not like I would have any chance in the first place. She's human. And I'm a mutant turtle. End of story.
He was just about to sweep up the mess when a knock interrupted his brooding spiel. Oh now he knocks? "What now?" Donnie sighed. "I've already fixed the toaster." He turned to see Leo in the doorway, arms folded.
"Good to hear. Master Splinter wants us in the dojo in five…" Leo appraised the situation with a raised eyebrow. "You okay there Don? You look like you're about to fall asleep standing."
"I'm good." The last thing he wanted to do was get scolded by Master Splinter and have his eldest brother hover around him worriedly. "I'll catch up with you." Leo, ever the filial son and ninjutsu enthusiast, promptly nodded and took his leave.
Sparring! Donnie mentally face palmed. Today was yet another sparring that Master Splinter had planned, weeks in advance. It wasn't often that he allowed the turtles to engage in a good, old-fashioned battle royale to test their prowess, so Raph had especially been looking forward to it.
Donnie picked up his bō staff, giving it a quick whirl before he sheathed it with a sigh. Another day of getting beaten up.
"Just drop the staff, and no one gets hurt!" Raphael taunted as he spun his sais, the dim light reflecting off the metal.
Donnie performed a few spins of his own, circling the red-masked turtle warily. Usually he could ignore Raph's taunts, as he knew the turtle was just trying to get a rise out of him.
"I know you're weak, but not this weak!" Raph prodded.
Weak…
Weak…
You're nothing but a failure, in your experiments and in being a ninja! The unwanted memory intruded his mind immediately. Misguided hope, a music box, and a forced smile. No wonder April won't acknowledge your feelings!
"AGHHHHHHHH!" Donnie charged forward with a shout, swinging his bō as if it were a baseball bat.
"Huh?" Raph's grin disappeared when the purple-masked turtle finally snapped.
"Wait! Don! That's not-!" Raph sidestepped the wild swing, utterly confused. Was this a new tactic he had devised to confuse him? If so, it was working.
"I'm-not-weak!" Donnie had disregarded all of his bōjutsu training by now, swinging the staff wildly as he lashed out at Raph.
"He-calm down man! I was just trying-to get you-off guard-!" Raph stumbled and sidestepped Donnie's wild slashes. He was no Mikey, but even a genin could dodge such an out of control attack.
Donnie was beyond reason now. He was not fighting against Raph anymore, but his own personal weakness. He kicked out, catching Raph right in the middle of his plastron and sending him to the ground with a pained "oof!" Both of his sais went spinning off across the floorboards.
"Hey man! What gives? You're not even trying anymore, y-wait! I yield! I yield!" Raph held up a hand as Donnie raised his staff, ready to strike downwards.
"Yame!" Master Splinter's call stopped all of the turtles mid-fight. And just in time too. Donnie regained his senses mid-swing and sent the bō crashing into the floorboards instead, with a creak of wood.
Raph gave Donnie a questioning look, eyeing him as they both attempted to regain their breaths, but he shook his head dismissively. The turtles lined up in front of the ninja master without a word, lowering their weapons and inclining their heads respectfully. Donnie's head was lower than the others, wincing slightly at the inevitable scolding.
"You seem distracted today, Donatello. What is the matter?" Master Splinter paused in front of the purple-masked ninja.
"Nothing. I just...just lack of sleep." He averted his gaze.
Leo was the usual winner of these spars, as he was the one who spent the most time practicing his kenjutsu. Raph was the strongest of course, and even Mikey had the potential to be just as skilled as they were, if he ever seriously decided to put his agility to good use.
That knowledge, combined with the failed experiments and lack of sleep, left Donatello feeling uncertain and on a short fuse all morning. If this is what Raph feels like all the time, then no wonder he's always angry.
"It is dangerous to let your mind wander in the middle of combat, my son." Splinter reprimanded firmly.
"Hai Sensei." Donnie's hand tightened over the wood of his bō staff. He could feel the curious gaze of his eldest brother, burning a hole into the back of his shell. Lucky Leo. He was almost never put on the spot for being distracted.
"Perhaps it would be better if you cooled your head for a bit Donatello. A distracted mind is an easily defeated one." Master Splinter decided, clasping both hands behind his back. "We are all done for today. Dismissed!"
"Hai Sensei!" They chorused as the ninja master retired to his sleeping quarters. Mikey was the first out the door, followed by an irritated Raph as they both fought to get to the kitchen and fixed toaster first.
Leo stayed behind. "Don't worry. I'll help clean up the mess Mikey made. Master Splinter's right, you should probably relax a little. You'll burn yourself out at this rate."
"Why does everyone keep telling me that?! I got it the first time!" Donnie brushed his hand off of his shoulder. Leo looked taken aback by the gesture, his blue eyes wide.
"...Sorry Leo. I didn't..." Donatello rubbed at his head with a world-weary sigh. "Today's just not my day."
"Take it easy bro." Leo gave him a pat on the shoulder and left, sensing his desire to be left alone.
"Maybe some time alone would do me some good." Donnie decided as he headed for the lair entrance.
Maybe. (noun)
a mere possibility or probability.
"no ifs, buts, or maybes"
No one was more familiar with the word 'maybe,' than Donatello Hamato. Maybe he should have suppressed his desire to finish that retro mutagen last night. (But the minutes bled into an hour, and that hour quickly transitioned into twenty eight.)
If he'd chosen to logically set aside his work and sleep, then maybe he would have gotten a satisfactory amount of shuteye for once. (But he was so sure he'd finally gotten the ratio of moonlight and chemical in this batch correctly, and didn't want to step away just yet.)
Maybe, he would succeed and finally be able to turn Mr. O'Neill back into a human, along with the countless other victims who'd been involved.
And maybe. Juuuust maybe, April would finally see him for the heroic scientist and ninja he always wanted to be.
But it was only a possibility, a probability that would probably never come true now. And to think it all started because a certain turtle brother (hint hint, Mikey) had decided it was a good idea to slam a broken toaster onto the experiment table.
The breeze was cold as it brushed past his body, nothing but the light of the pale moon accompanying him. The night sky was clear tonight, almost clear enough for him to pick out a couple of dim stars in the vast darkness. He rebounded off the side of a water tower and somersaulted across a gap in the rooftops, skidding to a halt near the edge of an apartment building. He glanced up to gain his bearings, and froze when he realized exactly where he was.
Without realizing it, his traitor feet had carried him straight to April's apartment complex. He plopped down onto the roof's edge. After hours of no sleep, a botched retro mutagen experiment, and a failed sparring session with his brothers, surely he was entitled to even a tiny bit of happiness?
Donnie hunched into his shell, puffs of warm air escaping him as he shivered miserably. Turtles were not compatible with the cold at all, as they were prone to dangerous spikes and drops in body temperature due to their surroundings.
But the question still remained. Why was he watching April's apartment like some forlorn, kicked puppy? What was he even doing here?
You already know you're a mutant turtle. An aberration of nature made possible only by a weird mix of alien science and sludge. Donnie huffed. And April. April's wonderfully, tragically, human. It'll never work out, you numbskull!
His mind was in the right place. But his heart was lost. Stolen a long time ago, the moment the gorgeous redhead first came into the turtles' mundane lives. The most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Granted, he should've known better, especially since Raph had pointed out that she was the only girl he'd ever seen.
Yes he did notice her beauty, but Donatello Hamato was smarter than to fall for just looks. Beauty meant nothing if it couldn't be backed up by brains. So when April's eyes lit up when he first gave her a tour of the laboratory, he knew he had fallen hard.
Friendship bloomed into love, and love turned into his salvation. For the first time, he began to hope. Maybe there was a possibility of a life other than the cage-like iron grates and darkness. No more cold. No more peering out of manhole covers and longing for freedom.
There was an entire world that was open to him now, but he couldn't imagine exploring it without April O' Neill by his side. His partner. His best friend. His love. And maybe-beyond any of his wildest dreams-she would agree to share her world with him.
He felt warmer already from just the memory of her beautiful blue eyes and kind smile. Yes. He would drop by her window. Maybe April would invite him in happily as usual; with soft blankets, a cup of hot cocoa, and a sci-fi movie where he would either dismiss or support the background science. They would laugh, and she would tease him for being a know-it-all.
But before he could make a move, a call echoed out from across the street. Donnie shook himself out of his daydream and squinted down at the dark figure outside of her apartment.
Is it one of the Kraang? Someone from the Foot? Another mutant?
"Hey Red! You comin down or what?"
...It was Casey. Casey Jones. Of course.
Donnie watched mutely as his sweet April waved down at the boy on the street, nodding and disappearing behind her curtains with a tiny smile.
She….She's never smiled around me like that. He exhaled sharply, the realization hitting him right in the gut. Was it just my imagination…?
It was like an oncoming train wreck. You knew it was inevitable and unstoppable, yet you couldn't find it in yourself to look away either. Donatello found himself in the same exact predicament as she appeared at the door of the complex a few minutes later, all smiles and mischievous sass.
They were laughing, April reaching out to ruffle Casey's dark hair and him pretending to be nonchalant about it. Casey brushed his hand gently against hers, and even from a distance, Donnie could tell he was thinking about holding her hand. His eyes were soft with an emotion that Donnie was all too familiar with.
Casey Jones. He….loves her too. Does she…?
The boy opted for a casual arm around her shoulders instead, while April averted her gaze and attempted to hide that tell-tale blush. Donnie let out a pained gasp and doubled over.
Of course she does. April O' Neill. My beloved April is in love with someone else.
All those memories of trying-and failing-to create retro mutagen side by side in the lab, and the pleasure of being in the company of the only person who genuinely wanted to learn and understand the work he was so passionate about.
He remembered how absolutely proud he was of sweet April when she flipped him onto his shell for the first time during a spar, and her worried expression when he pretended to be hurt.
Donnie remembered the first time she tried to bridge a gap between two roofs. She had been terrified, but he looked her in the eye and extended his arms widely; an unspoken promise to catch her if she fell.
(It was unnecessary, as she passed with flying colors. The triumphant, "WHOOHOO! I'm a real kunoichi now!" echoed across rooftops of New York for the rest of the night after that. She'd nearly cracked his shell with the force with which she'd hugged him.)
All of those memories went up in flames as Donnie watched the love of his life kiss someone else.
No no no-!
The pain took him by surprise, sucker punching him in the gut and squeezing the air from his lungs. It hurt. More than any physical blow he'd ever felt.
She doesn't love you.
She's never loved you.
Donatello watched them leave together, completely oblivious to the fact that they had just broken his heart into two pieces.
All of those kind words. That certain twinkle in her eye whenever you got her to laugh at one of his lame jokes. The times she treated you with such warmth and understanding.
They were all the actions of a friend.
April had never…
In the end, he was still just a mutant freak who was destined to never love. The tears stung as they streamed openly down his face, staining the fabric of his purple mask.
He let out an agonized howl, screaming out into the night like the wounded animal that he was. There was no light at the end of the tunnel after all. No probability. No possibility. No hope at all.
There was no maybe. There never had been in the first place.
A hand, wrapped in cloth, descended gently on his shoulder.
Donnie glanced over his shoulder, rubbing hard at his eyes and making a valiant effort to turtle up and shut himself off from the pain.
"It's okay Donnie." Leo's voice was slightly hoarse. Had his eldest brother been crying too? He gave Donnie's shoulder a firm squeeze, and the pain in his chest receded slightly. "It's okay." Out of all the turtle brothers, Leonardo would understand the pain of loving a human the most. Donnie was not alone in his heartbreak.
"We're here for you." Raph finally spoke. For once, there was no trace of his famous temper to be found anywhere. His emerald eyes were dark as he laid a hand on Donnie's other shoulder. Raphael, the one who hated to see his brothers get hurt. This time the pain was internal so he looked a bit uncertain, but his strong presence reassured him.
"You'll be okay bro." Michelangelo inched forward with watery eyes to wrap his arms around Donnie. "Just let it allll out….." His baby brother, always the most affectionate turtle. He was young and a bit more naive than the other turtles, but even he could tell that his older brother needed a hug right about now.
There was no shame. No disgrace. Donnie cried his heart out that night on the rooftop, but his three brothers were there; a solid presence to cling onto in the midst of his misery. His brothers were always there for him, for better or for worse, and he knew they would never let him drown. Even when the world turned against him and who they were, they still had each other. And for Donatello Hamato, it made all the difference.
Author's Notes:
Angst angst angst angst. Muahaha. Still feel sorry for bullying my poor baby Donnie so much. I just had to bring in his brothers at the very end to lighten everything up again. Lemme know what you think of my first and last fanfic in the comments or by PM!