Title: Rubbing the Belly of Buddah
Pairing: Ben and Michael (QAF)
Rating: NC-17
Summary: This is a spin on the steroid story-line in season 3.
Genre: Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue. Just for fun.
He wasn't sure how much more of this he could take. It had been months since Paul's memorial service and Ben was worse.
So.
Much.
Worse.
Michael understood it - at first. Paul was dead. Gone. The man Ben had once loved so completely was just...gone. Poof! No more Paul. No more juggling left-over loyalty and sorrow with unspoken and repressed rage.
Ben needed to feel it - all of it. Michael understood that.
Ben needed time and space to be angry and scared. Ben needed to over compensate for all of the mixed up shit in his head and heart that resulted from the sudden loss of the man who infected him with HIV.
It was like Ben lost his own hope - his spirit - his Zen.
That's what Brian called him - Zen-Ben - though Michael would never say it to Ben, because he knew it would piss off his Buddhist lover, even though it was actually perfect. Ben was gentle and loving and at peace with life and all of its edges. Michael had never known anyone like Ben and he missed him.
He thought Ben would stop after the Paul's memorial service. He really believed that. Stupid. If anything, it got worse. At least before the service Ben was trying to pretend he gave a shit about Michael. Now it was like living with a stranger - a mean, angry, heartless, cruel...god...he couldn't even see Ben any more even when he was looking right at him. Ben was not only physically different - bigger and harder - but he was no longer the man Michael fell in love with.
Michael hated Paul - and how pathetic was it hate a dead guy he had never met? But ultimately it was Paul who had caused the pain Ben was now manifesting in so many negative and hurtful ways. It was Paul who broke the trust, the promises, the commitment - it was Paul who sentenced Ben to a lifetime of what ifs every time there was a sniffle or cough. It was Paul who left Ben to suffer the unknown every single day.
It was also from that pain and betrayal that Ben had found a different path. He quit taking each day for granted - stopped smoking and drinking too much. He stopped filling his body with junk food and party drugs. Ben found his spirit and he learned to live in the now. If it weren't for Paul's ultimate selfishness - Michael wouldn't have the Ben to whom he had fallen so deeply and completely in love.
But lately, Ben scared him.
It was hard to admit, even to himself, but Ben really, really scared him.
Michael picked up a small pile of clothes from the floor in front of their closet and held one of Ben's muscle shirts to his face. He still smells like my Ben. Michael felt the emotion choking him as he breathed in the scent of the man who had once been so...opposite of the guy he was living with now.
Ben used to kiss him for hours. Hours. His hands were always skimming along the surface of Michael's skin as if he couldn't get enough while his lips and tongue lavished Michael with attention. Ben was always paying attention - to every detail - no matter what they were doing. His kisses were intentional and his touches deliberate and the way he fucked was always so careful and caring. Even when they were in the mood for a little rough play, Ben was always so careful that he never really hurt Michael.
Michael hadn't been intimate with the stranger sharing his bed for months. Ben didn't touch him at all now.
Except that time a week earlier when he pushed Michael into the bedroom door hard enough to crack the frosted glass. He definitely touched him that day.
Ben came home in a rage.
"What the fuck did you tell Brian?"
Michael wasn't prepared for the confrontation. He never imagined Brian would be stupid enough to...shit. The only thing Michael could manage in response to the question was a thick swallow.
"Did you tell that club whore that you are afraid of me? Why would you say that?" Ben's blue eyes were bulging, muscles and veins straining on his neck as his face turned a shade of red that was alarming.
'"I..." Michael backed away before he even realized he was doing it.
Ben lunged for him. "What the fuck have I ever done to cause you to fucking fear me so much that you...I don't want that prick knowing my business, Michael. You should know that."
Michael could feel his heart beating out of his chest. Ben's hands were gripping his biceps so hard it hurt - really hurt - and it was just getting more and more painful with each word that flew out of Ben's mouth.
The same mouth that used to kiss him for hours.
"I could give you something to be afraid of Michael." Ben screamed as he shoved Michael hard enough to send him flying into the closed door of their bedroom.
It literally knocked the breath out of him and he could hear the sound of cracking glass right before he felt himself sliding to the floor.
While he crumpled himself into the smallest, most protective ball he could manage Ben loomed over him. "Don't push me, Michael."
Michael just closed his eyes and waited for the next blow. When the front door slammed he nearly jumped out of his skin before he relaxed enough to pass out.
He had been wearing long sleeves for a week. He didn't want anyone to see the hand-shaped, deep bruises on his arms. He didn't want Ben to see them either but didn't really understand why.
But the bruises were fading and Michael was feeling a little braver and he decided that enough was enough. He was going to confront Ben - give him an ultimatum - quit the fucking steroids or quit them.
Today is the day.
He sat nervously in the living room - in a chair holding Ben's Buddha statue - his thumb unconsciously rubbing its round belly. It was completely dark - Ben was never home before midnight. Michael remembered the last time he waited in the dark for Ben. That was the night he thought he had finally gotten through to him. The next morning Ben promised to quit and asked Michael to join him at the memorial service. 'You belong with me.' Those words melted any doubt in Michael's heart.
But Ben didn't quit and Michael may have accompanied him to Paul's service but Ben made it perfectly clear that he didn't really belong there.
Michael had never felt so invisible in his life.
"Why are you sitting in the dark?"
Michael visibly startled. He hadn't even heard Ben come into the apartment. He took a stuttering breath before speaking to the wall of muscle that used to be his boyfriend. "Waiting for you."
"Your wait's over." Ben glared before turning toward the cracked bedroom door. "I'm tired."
"Where've you been?" Michael ignored the dismissal.
Ben stopped with his hand on the bedroom doorknob but didn't turn to face him. "Out."
"Seems like you're always out." Michael's voice was soft and defeated.
Ben shrugged impatiently. "Good night, Michael."
"Ben..." Michael's voice came out louder. "...we need to talk."
"No..." Ben still wouldn't face him. "...we don't."
"I can't do this, Ben." Michael watched as Ben tensed. "I've tried. I really have. But I can't...please..." He could feel his eyes fill as his voice shook from raw heartbreak. "...I'm begging. Please stop."
It certainly wasn't the show-down Michael had planned. But it was real and it was the only thing he could do once he was face to face - well, face to back - with Ben.
Ben finally faced him. "You don't understand..." He gritted through his teeth.
"Then help me understand." Michael screamed. He was so fucking tired of hearing that. "Because I've tried, Ben. I think I understand you more than you give me credit for - you're angry and your scared and you can't balance the fact that you hate Paul and he's dead and you'll never get closure - but if I'm missing some big piece, help me understand."
Michael was yanked to his feet and slammed face first against a wall before he even realized Ben was moving. Ben pulled his hair and slammed his head into the wall before he spoke with venom into his ear. "You're not allowed to talk about Paul and you're not allowed to talk about how you think I feel because you don't understand and you'll never understand. I don't want you to fucking understand. I don't want anything from you. The only thing you were ever good for is fucking and honestly, Michael - right now I'd rather fuck hot guys at the gym than your scrawny, weak little ass."
"Ben..."
"As a matter of fact...tell you what, Michael. You want to understand me so badly? You want me to help you understand? I can do that." Ben held Michael against the wall with an arm across his back while his other hand roughly pushed Michael's sweatpants to his ankles.
When Michael heard Ben's zipper he finally realized what Ben intended to do to him. "Ben, stop."
"No. I'm giving you what you want, Michael. You'll finally understand." Ben kicked Michael's legs as far apart as his sweatpants-wrapped ankles would allow. "Welcome to my world, Lover." Ben hissed into his ear before he rammed his unsheathed cock fast, hard and deep into Michael's unprepared hole.
Michael could feel himself tearing and the only thing he could hear was his own voice screaming. "Please stop! Ben! You're killing me!"
Buddha fell from Michael's grip and hit the floor with a loud thud before breaking into two pieces.
"BEN!" Michael screamed himself awake. He was panting and sweating and sitting upright in bed gripping the sheets in his fists. It was a dream. Fuck. Just a dream.
"Michael?" Ben's sleepy voice was filled with concern. "You okay Baby?"
Michael nodded and swallowed the lump in his throat "Didn't mean to wake you."
"Hey..." Ben was sitting up now too. His arms wrapped around Michael's smaller body. "...you're shaking like a leaf. Another nightmare?"
Michael melted into Ben's strong arms. He nuzzled into his lover's chest and smelled his sleep-warm, musky scent.
"God, Michael." Ben kissed the top of his head. "I'm so sorry."
"Not your fault." Michael tried to reassure him. He was proud of Ben. He quit cold turkey and never went back. He hadn't taken steroids in months. His body was back to normal - beautiful, strong, amazing and natural. Ben had his Zen back and he was loving and attentive and remorseful.
Ben was perfect and Michael didn't want to make him feel bad.
"Of course it's my fault." Ben insisted. He lifted Michael's chin and kissed him softly. "I treated you badly. I acted like a maniac and I scared you. I promise, Baby - I'll keep working on gaining back your trust. I'll do everything in my power to chase away the nightmares I created. I promise."
"I know." Michael said before he kissed Ben deeply. "I love you so much."
"I love you." Ben smiled with nothing but love and admiration in his clear, blue eyes. "Thank you, Michael. You saved me."
Ben kissed MIchael again. His hands were roaming the landscape of Michael's beautiful, creamy-white skin. "Gorgeous." He groaned into Michael's lips.
Ben had known about the dreams for a while. Michael had finally told him after he had woken up for the fifth time covered in sweat and panting in fear. Ben was devastated. He held Michael in his arms for the rest of that night, watching over him to keep the rage-filled Nightmare-Ben away from Michael's heart. The dreams came less frequently as each week passed.
Ben liked to think it was because he had made a ritual of making love to Michael for hours after every single nightmare. It was something they both seemed to need. Ben was grateful to have a lover who was so willing to forgive - because Ben was having so much trouble forgiving himself.
Maybe it was because he knew how close he had come to being a the version of himself that plagued Michael's darkest dreams. Ben knew he was skirting that sharp edge. He had been so close to turning the blade toward Michael and he would never allow himself to forget.
Not that he could ever forget what happened that night - the images of the moment that finally pulled him from the deep darkness - mere seconds before he pulled Michael down with him.
When he walked through the door of their apartment he saw Michael sitting at the dining room table blankly staring at a pile of Justin's drawings. Something about it pissed him off more than he already was. "What the fuck did you tell Brian?"
Ben watched Michael jump up from his chair - he had obviously been so engrossed in the stupid drawings of the stupid Brian Kinney inspired comic book hero he and Justin dreamed up that he didn't hear Ben come into the room.
"Did you tell that club whore that you are afraid of me? Why would you say that?" Ben felt like punching the nervous doe-eyed expression right off of Michael's face. How dare he talk to Brian-Fucking-Kinney about his private business. No one needed to know about how Ben was beefing up his body's defense against the shit that killed Paul.
'"I..." He watched Michael back away from him - as if Ben were a threat or something. Ben literally felt his blood boiling.
He grabbed Michael's arms and tried to shake some fucking sense into him. "What the fuck have I ever done to cause you to fucking fear me so much that you...I don't want that prick knowing my business, Michael. You should know that."
Michael didn't say anything. He just looked at him with his eyes wide from fear and his mouth hanging open.
The same mouth he used to kiss for hours.
And now the little bastard was acting like Ben was some sort of monster - talking about him like he was someone to be afraid of - and if that's how Michael felt about him then... "I could give you something to be afraid of Michael." Ben screamed before he shoved him away.
He shocked even himself by his own strength. He watched in horror as Michael slammed against the closed door of their bedroom. He watched MIchael gasp for air, obviously physically stunned from the impact of his body with the door.
He watched Michael slide to the floor after a loud crackling sound from the frosted pane of glass in the door behind him. When he saw his lover curl himself into a tight protective ball, Ben finally snapped out of it.
Michael was afraid of him. Seriously terrified. And for the first time since he had heard the news of Paul's death - Ben could see himself through the eyes of his lover and he had to admit he would be scared shitless too.
Ben fell to his knees in front of Michael and his heart swelled into his throat when he saw his boyfriend flinch. "Oh god." Ben carefully reached for him, placing gentle hands on Michael's small back. "Oh god, Baby. What have I done."
Michael was trembling.
"I'm so sorry." Ben's voice trembled too as he allowed himself to cry for the first time in months. "I'm so sorry." He cried for Paul and he cried for himself, but mostly he cried for Michael and everything he had endured. "Are you okay? God...Michael...Did I hurt you? I didn't hurt you did I?"
"I'm okay." Michael's voice sounded small and frightened.
He slowly moved himself onto the floor and wrapped himself around the body of the man he had been punishing for all the things he couldn't pin on anyone else now that Paul was gone. He whispered into Michael's hair and skin and ears - all night long - holding him while they huddled together on the floor, telling him how sorry he was, and making promises that he fully intended to keep this time around.
Ben looked into Michael's open, genuine eyes and marveled at the strength he possessed. Michael saved him - he stuck around when most people would have left and waited until Ben was ready - then he saved him.
He watched Michael's mouth lift into a crooked, playful smirk as his eyes twinkled with mischief. He felt his lover's expert fingers rolling a condom onto his full, aching erection - when that happened was a mystery. Ben studied Michael's beautiful face before he asked the same question he always asks right after one of Michael's bad dreams and right before he treated his raven-haired lover to a slow, powerful fuck.
"Are you sure?"
"Are you kidding?" Michael pushed Ben onto his back and he kissed him deeply. After Michael had straddled Ben's hips he pulled back enough to look into his grey-blue eyes and smiled flirtatiously. "This is the best part about having a nightmare."
FIN