Parking Problems
"Owen!" Ianto's voice carried an indefinable edge to it. But as far as Owen – or any of the others – could tell, it was not a downright dangerous edge. Yet. However, they had all heard that tone before and knew it could swing either way in the blink of an eye. It had swung to dangerous the day that Owen had nearly killed Ianto with the Singularity Scalpel. After Ianto had sufficiently recovered his composure, which meant he'd straightened an already straight tie and brushed a few imaginary specks off his suit, he had been quite vocal for such a usually reserved Welshman.
Owen was actually quite surprised after the scalpel incident that he hadn't been put on decaf, but it did not escape his attention that Ianto was clearly spooning in at least a tablespoon of coffee grounds into each cup. Owen simply strained out the sludge down in the autopsy room, reheated the coffee over his Bunsen burner and bided his time until normal service was resumed.
"Ianto?" replied the doctor, coming back to the present.
With a beguiling sacchrin sweetness, Ianto asked "Could you possibly pop up here a moment please?"
With trepidation, Owen climbed the stairs. He guessed he had done something wrong, but for the life of him he genuinely could not think what it might be. He had actually been trying to keep on Ianto's good side, because coffee strained through a muslin sling and reheated was really not a substitute for fresh brewed.
"Sure," he said equally sweetly. "What can I do for....." he tailed off when he saw the thunder clouds that were passing across Ianto's face.
"OK, OK, Teaboy," he said, giving up all pretense of pleasantries at the same time as giving up all hope of not having to order more gas for the Bunsen burner. More reheated coffee seemed inevitable. "What have I done now?"
"Owen, I tidy up after you. I tidy up after you all. It is my job. I pick up pizza boxes that people drop on the floor when they could just as easily throw them away. I wash up cups, do the shopping, back you up on field missions. There is little to choose between Tescos on a Friday afternoon before a bank holiday weekend and the Brecon Beacons, to tell the truth. I have even scraped your used chewing gum from the underside of your desk, from the autopsy table, even from the SUV, more times than you can imagine, and I have to tell you it is not my favourite task."
The others were looking at Ianto and Owen much in the way as spectators watch a tennis match. Their heads turned from Ianto to Owen according to who was talking. At the mention of scraping up the chewing gum, Jack, Tosh and Gwen all gasped in a breath of horror simultaneously. It was as if Andy Murray had hit an easy return into the net.
Jack was about to speak when Ianto continued. The dangerous edge was definitely now present.
"Did you use my PC this morning while I was at Tescos?"
"Yes," said Owen hesitantly. Then he speeded up "but I had to. Your machine has the interactive archive index, and I needed to find the date we found the second alien obsidian sphere and cross reference it with where and when we found the first. I swear that I did not damage your computer..."
Ianto held up a hand, palm facing Owen. "I don't care what you were looking for. You could have been playing Mafia Wars for all I care."
Owen fell silent.
"And were you chewing gum while you were doing it?" Ianto continued.
Owen frowned in concentration. He honestly couldn't recall.
"I think you were," said Tosh. "You offered me some."
"Possibly," admitted Owen, wondering what was coming next.
Ianto's demeanour passed from downright dangerous to 'eye of the storm'. "Well, I have a request. I would clearly prefer it if you never use my PC again, but that is probably not possible. So, next time you use my PC, I would be extremely grateful if you did not park your used chewing gum on the side of it."
The others all exchanged glances that said spoke volumes. They looked disgusted. Even Owen looked a little shamefaced but tried to cajole Ianto out of his mood.
"Ah, come on, Ianto mate. It's not the end of the world."
Ianto walked across to Owen, grasped his shoulders powerfully and whispered in his ear. The others could not hear what was said, no matter how hard they strained. When he had finished, Ianto turned neatly, straightened his tie and left the main part of the Hub, bound for the tourist office, leaving Owen looking rather pale and more than a little shocked.
"What did he say?" asked Gwen, voicing everyone's thoughts.
Owen sat down. "He said it would be the end of my world if I ever did it again because he would rip my testicles from between my legs with his bare hands and feed them to Janet, and then come back for my ...."
It was Jack's turn to hold up a hand. He too had turned pale at the rather too anatomically precise description of Ianto's intentions. He knew instinctively what Ianto planned to come back for.
"Shush Owen! Calm down. And are you sure this is just because you parked chewing gum on the side of Ianto's PC? Seems like something of an over-reaction."
Owen pursed his lips and screwed his eyes slightly shut, whilst shaking his head. "Probably not," he admitted reluctantly. "After all, you'd probably be angry if you found someone had shoved gum into your USB port."