A/N: Ok, here it is... another post that isn't a new chapter. Sorry! ^__^ So, forgive me yet? Read this please! My first attempt at a song fic, for Kurama, set to Linkin' Park's "Easier to Run" off of their new cd.
Disclaimer: I don't own YYH, and I don't own Linkin' Park's song, "Easier to Run"... Linkin' Park does... duh.
"Easier to Run"
At times I wonder how I've survived this long, a world around me that has no clue of what and who I was and am. So much is different... I've changed, adapted to this place and let it take me over. I've let my past go, choosing not to think of all of the hurts and troubles that still linger there, in the back of my mind. Sometimes, I'm sure that everyone can see the things in my mind, memories that I can't seem to shake. And so I absorb myself further into the life I've etched out for myself...
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
I run back to the place I've come to. The home that's there waiting for me. A family, naive to the truth that lies deep inside of my being. A truth I hide for their sake. A truth I hide for myself. Someday, it will come out. One day I won't be able to keep it all separate from them.
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
I can't stop thinking about my life, no matter how I change it. It can be rearranged and restarted as many times as I want, and still I can never be rid of my past. Nothing can take away all that I've done, nothing can stop this guilt from plaguing the soul I now own.
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
Who I was is a part of who I am, though no one can know but me. I can't accept what I've been and what I've seen. I can't let on to what is inside of me. They smile as they see me, welcoming me "home." They don't know I can never be at home here. I can never be one of them, never the same. Nothing I can do would make a difference; I'm powerless over myself.
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
I stay with this family for a time, making them happy all the while causing me more pain. I try to smile, try to laugh, nothing seems to sink down into the lower levels of my heart and soul. A soul... something I never had. Something I didn't want, didn't long for, and now is permanently carved into my being, with no escape in sight. Being with their happiness, their joy, only reminds me of the suffering I've tried to leave behind.
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
My mother hugs me. She looks at me with eyes of love, of acceptance. She cares for me in a way that I had never known could exist. Unconditional love is there within her gaze and embrace, waiting to be taken and received. I want to feel what it is she feels. I want to know all there is to know about an emotion that can give so much peace to one person. I don't want to leave her behind, though staying only makes the time go forward, leaving other things and places behind, adding to my memory. If I linger, there's complacency's own price to pay.
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past
I can't go back now, can't change a thing. I watch as the people around me just go about their days, not seeing what is truly there. The family that claims me sees a human boy, nothing of what is underneath this mask, this shell. Friends and partners only see what I let them. Only what is portrayed on the outside ever makes a mark on those who stare. Not even the closest can see what goes on beneath the tide of falsified emotions. That's the way it should be. The way it has to be.
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
Everytime I leave this place, another piece of me stays behind. Each time I see her face, more of my heart turns to catch her love. A mother's care can run the world, tempering it and changing it. She's all I have in this world of strangers, all that matters. She's that which has made me what I have become. If I focus on her... I can make the rest of the world go away. I can make the past fall from my sight. The memories won't haunt me if I act like they're not there. That's all I have to do.
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change
The day goes on, I'm still the same. Inside I'm me, outside I'm what everyone else thinks that they want to see. If I let them think that that person's me, never clue them in to the reality that stays deep inside of me, I can live free around them; free from the burn of discovery. Things are less complicated when the truth's unknown. No one around me needs to know what I've been. My family can go on thinking I am just their son. Friends can know that I am me, nothing more, nothing less. No need to know what haunts my past, I'm never going back.
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
I'm not alone. I take all that's hurting inside my soul, placing it on a shelf to never be seen again. The more I ignore it, the more dust it gathers. The older it gets, the easier it becomes for this person I've created to become myself. Though each step I take to become the mask, it moves further away from me. I have to move faster, chase it down, never catching up to gain any new ground. I can try to change the present, I can never change the past.
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
The answer to this riddle is not easily found. I may never find a peace between what was, what is, and what I may never be. Then there's those lights in the darkness. Those who wish to be my friends. They look at me, and they don't see what I can never hide. All their caring only drives me to destroy what I have built, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to have anything good, not with a past that drives me mad with insistent blame. I can't hold it in. If I could make it, I'd never let them know, if I could go on hiding the secrets. To keep myself hidden, I can't exist. No. There isn't a way to have both of these lies. The present, a facade; the future, nothing to hope for or wish to exist. All I have is the past, no matter how I run. No turning back; but there's no way that I can go forward when each step I take is weighed down by every blinding shard of my past that will never cease to bind me. To get rid of them... I must give in to the dark that comforts me more than a memory could ever hope to gain.
I would take all my shame to the grave.
A/N: K... how was that? I had already started a DIFFERENT song fic for Kurama, but here I was, rainy night... and this just sort of *pop* popped out and all. I don't really know HOW a song fic is supposed to work, so just tell me if this one sucks. Ok, REVIEW!!!!
-Draith