The West Wing
"And we're the lawmakers?"
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Legend: Monday, 6.00 AM
Camera tracks up Pennsylvania Avenue, past the White House. Thunder cracks overhead as the rain pours down.
Cut to: West Wing Foyer
Two dress Marines flank the doors, stand idly by as Toby Ziegler enters, clutching a dripping newspaper over his head. Shrugging off his ran coat, Toby tries to hand the paper off to the marine. It strikes the man on the jacket and falls to the floor, completely ignored. Toby doesn't even notice. He's too busy ranting:
Toby- I swear, it is the wrath of God out there! The heavens themselves have opened up, and poured their vengeance out over the–
Toby's cut off, when Sam Seaborne suddenly "appears" next to him.
Sam- Hey.
Toby jumps.
Toby- How do you do that?
Sam- Do what?
Toby- Appear… as if from thin air?
Sam- I came from over there.
He points down the corridor.
Toby- From now on, we call that corridor "thin air".
Sam- Fine. Did you see it?
Toby- What?
Sam- I'm asking if you saw it.
Toby- What?
Sam- Toby, I'm asking if you saw it.
Toby stops walking. Sam has to stop too.
Toby- Sam, I'm only ten feet in the door….
Sam- Passing thin "air"…
Toby- And I have no idea what you're talking about?
Sam- You didn't see it.
Toby- See what?
Sam- You're gonna love this.
Toby- Are you always this obtuse?
Sam- Yeah. But you knew that.
Sam starts walking again. Toby falls into step beside him.
Toby- Are you going to tell me what you're talking about?
Sam- It's better if you see it. Follow me.
Toby- I thought I was following you.
Sam- You were?
Toby- Maybe.
Sam- Okay.
Toby- Where are we going?
Sam- Your office.
Toby- My office?
Sam- Yeah.
Toby- You know I was going there anyway, right?
Sam- I thought you were following me.
Toby- Sam!
Sam- Come on.
Sam leads Toby through the hallways, past the hectic mess that is the Press Office. As they pass by, the door to CJ Cregg's office opens, and they slow down to let her catch up.
CJ- Did you see it?
Toby- When did we stop saying hello in this building? Seriously, when did it happen?
CJ- Hello.
Toby- Hello.
CJ- Did you see it?
Toby- Sam's about to show me whatever it is.
CJ- (To Sam) He doesn't know?
Sam- I have it set up in his office.
Toby- How did you get into my office?
Sam- It was open.
CJ- You're going to love this.
Toby- It was not.
Sam- Sure it was. How else would I get in?
Toby- When we're done with… whatever this is, I'm having a conversation about the security in this building with the National Security Advisor.
CJ- I think Nancy McNally's a little busy at the moment…
Sam- And how kindly would she take you bothering her, considering you didn't lock your office.
Toby- Point taken.
CJ- You're really going to love this.
Toby- You know how nervous I get when people tell me I'm going to love something, right?
CJ- I know.
Toby- So?
CJ- You're gonna love this!
They enter the Communications Bullpen. Ginger, Bonnie, and the rest of the staff are already buzzing about, answering phones, typing at keyboards, sending faxes.
Ginger- Morning.
Bonnie- Good morning.
Toby- You see how well trained they are? They greet someone when they enter a room.
CJ- Yes.
Toby- I did that.
Sam- Toby?
Toby- What?
Sam- You going to greet them back?
Toby- Right. Hello, Bonnie. Hello, Ginger. We'll be in my office watching… something.
Ginger- You haven't seen it?
Toby- No!
Ginger- You're going to love it.
Toby sighs, shakes his head, goes into his office, followed by Sam and CJ. Toby dumps his briefcase and coat, flops into his chair. Sam grabs a remote control off the desk, t6urns to the television set mounted on the wall. CJ settles on the couch.
CJ- (To Sam) How many times have you seen it?
Sam- Including this time?
CJ- We haven't seen it yet.
Sam- Right.
CJ- How many times?
Sam- Five.
CJ- Five? Including…?
Toby- WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE…!
Sam- Right. Here we go…
He lifts the remote. He lowers the remote.
Sam- Wait. First…
Toby- Dear God…
Sam- You know Josh has been in California, right?
Toby- His vacation? Yes, I know Josh has been in California. I'm the one who convinced Josh to go to California. I had to basically pack his bags and wrestle him onto the plane to get him to go to California.
CJ- You had to do that?
Toby- I said 'basically'.
Sam- Well, apparently there's a reason why Josh never takes a vacation.
Toby- He's a Machiavellian control-freak who can't breathe unless it's in the office?
Sam- Okay. Another reason…
Toby- And that is…?
Sam- Josh gets a little… loose… when he's on vacation.
Toby- Josh can get loose?
Sam- Apparently.
Toby- And you have video evidence of this… looseness?
Sam- I do.
CJ- Pulled from the internet and converted to video.
Toby- You can do that now?
CJ- Well, I can't. But the guys in Tech can.
Toby- Okay, show me the tape.
Sam- I feel like it needs more build-up.
Toby- It does not need more build-up! Show me the damn tape!
Sam- Okay.
Sam hits play. On screen, a warped, distorted picture appears. The sound is tinny, the lights sometimes streak. It's obviously taken with a cellphone camera.
Toby- What is this?
Sam- A bar in Malibu.
CJ- A theme bar in Malibu.
Toby- There are theme-bars in Malibu?
Sam- And the theme here?
CJ- Country-Western…
Back onscreen, the camera wielder approaches a bunch of obviously drunk girls at the bar. They're all wearing cowboy hats.
CameraGuy- You ladies enjoying yourselves?
Girl 1- Oh yeah!
Girl 2- This place is great!
CameraGuy- I know, right!
Girl 1- What's with the camera? Is it for dancing guy?
CameraGuy- What?
Girl2- Did you see the dancing guy?
The song in the background fades out and Billy Ray Cyrus's 'Achey-Breakey Heart' comes on.
Girl 2- Oh my God! He's gonna love this song!
CameraGuy- What dancing guy?
Girl 1- Over there!
She points off-screen. The camera swings, revealing the rest of the bar. And there, in a circle of revellers, is Josh Lyman.
Toby- Oh, my God…
Sam- Yeah!
It's not just Josh. It's Josh dancing. It's Josh line-dancing.
Toby- Is he wearing…?
CJ- Yeah.
Josh is wearing a cowboy outfit. Actually, the San Francisco version of a cowboy outfit. The bright blue trim on the waistcoat, the 10-Gallon ha, the tassels and the red cowboy boots. And he's line-dancing to Achey-Breakey Heart. The camera moves closer.
CameraGuy- Wait a minute! I recognise him!
Sam hits pause. He shares a giant, triumphant smile with CJ. They turn to Toby. Toby is gobsmacked, his mouth hanging open.
Toby- Did that…?
Sam- Yeah.
Toby- Did I just see…?
CJ- Yeah.
Toby- Josh…
Sam- Yeah.
Toby- Josh was…
Cj- Yeah.
Sam- So?
Toby- What?
Sam- Do you love it?
Toby- This was on the internet?
CJ- Taken two nights ago, and uploaded last night.
Toby- I want… I want to…
Sam- Yeah?
Toby- I want to kiss whoever took that video!
CJ- Don't you just?
Toby- We should get the NEA to fund him if he ever wants to make a movie!
Sam and CJ laugh. Toby joins in. Soon, they're cackling like a pack of hyenas. Just when the backslapping and the giggling is starting to get too much, Ginger pops her head round the door.
Ginger- Leo wants to see you.
No reaction. They're too busy laughing. Ginger has to wait. Eventually:
Toby- Ginger… have you seen this?
Ginger- I saw it.
Toby- Isn't it the greatest gift God has ever given us?
Toby- Ginger?
Ginger- Yeah?
Toby- Leo wants to see me?
Ginger- All of you.
Sam- Right now?
Toby- Has he seen this?
CJ- I don't know. Wouldn't think so.
Toby- I really want to be the one to show it to him.
Sam- I don't think he's going to be in the mood if we're late.
Toby- So let's go…
Cut to: Leo McGarry's Office.
Leo's behind his desk. Margaret's in front of the desk, briefing him.
Leo- Hitchcock?
Margaret- Yeah.
Leo- Are you serious?
Margaret- Yes.
Leo- Why are you bringing me this? Why is this ridiculous request getting anywhere near this office?
Margaret- It came from a notable.
Leo- Who? (He pauses, then slowly realises) Nooo….!
Margaret- Yeah.
Leo- Bill Clinton is a Hitchcock fan?
Margaret- Apparently.
Leo- And he wants me to meet with the… what again?
Margaret- The Alfred Hitchcock Appreciation Society.
Leo- Because they want to build a statue. Where?
Margaret- Here.
Leo- My office?
Margaret- The Capitol Building,
Leo- I'm sure that'll go down well with the Majority Leader.
Margaret- Bill probably thinks Hitchcock would've gotten the joke.
Leo- He probably would have. Staff it out.
Margaret- But…
Leo- Staff it out!
Margaret- Okay.
Leo- (Mumbles) And I though I had the crazy president…
Margaret- One more thing…
Knock on door. It opens and Toby, CJ and Sam file in. Toby's carrying the video tape.
Margaret- Staff's here.
Leo- (Wry) Yes, thank you, Margaret.
Margaret nods, and exits. Toby pushes to the front, holding up the tape.
Toby- Leo, if you haven't seen–
Leo- Toby?
Toby- Yeah?
Leo- You think that since I called this meeting, I might have a topic in mind?
Toby- Sure. You might.
Leo- Now, do you suppose I could get to it?
Toby- But this tape…
Leo- Unless it's a matter of National Security, I don't care about the tape!
Sam- You really should.
Leo- You going to start with me now?
Sam- Sorry.
CJ- You called us?
Leo- Yes. The president's asked me to look into something…
Toby- The president?
Leo- You remember the president, don't you? He's your boss.
Toby- Actually, you're my boss. He's your boss.
Leo- He's your boss too.
Toby- Okay.
Leo- It's the energy bill.
Toby- Oh, God…
Leo- Toby…
Toby- Leo! It's locked!
Leo- I know.
Toby- It's been locked for a week!
Leo- I know.
Toby- We can't go back and reopen the whole thing now!
Leo- You want to step into the Oval Office and tell him that?
Toby just groans and collapses into a chair, looking like a headache's coming on.
CJ- What does he want?
Leo- He wants us to have another look at…
Toby- (Moaning) Noooo….
Sam- Article 43?
Leo- Yeah.
Sam- Fossil fuel reduction?
Leo- That's it.
Toby- Leo, the bill is locked! We went round and round on Article 43 two months ago! We went round and round with the Majority Leader, then the Motown 3, then the president! And if I have to go round and round again I… I think I'm gonna throw up.
Leo- I'd get a little paper bag ready if I were you.
Toby- God…
Sam- What's his problem? The 30%?
Leo- Yup.
Sam- Damn…
CJ- The Bill goes to the floor at 6 tomorrow.
Leo- Then I'd get to work.
Slumped, and not nearly as giddy as when they came in, they start to troop out.
Toby- Well, I guess a tape of Josh jigging in his cowboy boots doesn't take precedence today.
Leo- Wait. What?
Toby- (Doesn't look back) No! You don't get to see the tape anymore!
They exit. Now Leo looks puzzled, but he quickly gets over it.
Leo- Margaret!
Margaret pops her head in.
Leo- Get me Josh as soon as he gets in.
Margaret- I'll call Donna.
Cut to: Hallway.
Toby, Sam and CJ are heading back to Communications.
Sam- You know what's going to happen now, don't you?
Toby- Yes.
Sam- One of two things… Either we'll spend the bulk of the next 24 hours trying to rework this thing, at which point we'll have to tell the president we can't do it and he'll be pissed at us…
Toby- I said I know, Sam…
Sam- Or… we'll spend the bulk of the next 24 hours trying to rework this thing, at which point the president will make us drop it in and every Republican in the western hemisphere will lose their minds.
Toby- What part of "I know, Sam" didn't you–?
Sam- When Republicans lose their minds they tend to get armed. And quickly.
Toby- Sam…
Sam- The Marines at the door aren't just for decoration, right?
Toby- Let's just get this over with.
They reach the Bullpen and file into Toby's office.
Toby- CJ, when's your briefing?
CJ- Twenty minutes. And they're gonna ask me if the Bill is locked, or if the president has any last minute amendments.
Sam- Well, pray they don't phrase it exactly like that.
CJ- Tell me about it.
Sam- Coz then you'll have to tell them that–
CJ- I get it, Sam. And believe me… I pray every time I step into that room.
Toby- Dial it back as much as you can. Um… We're looking forward to the Bill being passed, blah blah blah… This is a… dramatic step forward in energy independence for the United States, blah blah blah…
CJ- Do I have to say blah blah blah?
Toby- Do it.
CJ- Yeah.
With a huge sigh, CJ turns to leave.
Toby- Sam?
Sam- Yeah.
Toby- You gotta…
Sam- Yeah!
Sam follows CJ out. He enters his office. We track CJ as she passes through the Bullpen, headed for the Press Office. On her way, she glances left down a hallway and spots:
CJ- Josh!
Josh is, literally, inching down the hallway. He has his hand up on the wall, using it to steady himself as he goes. CJ smiles a 'cat who got the cream' smile and makes her way over.
CJ- Josh!
Josh cringes, throwing up a hand.
CJ- Josh!
Josh- CJ… please…
CJ- How you doing?
Josh- Ever had a hangover and jet lag at the same time?
Cj- A… what? You're just getting back now?
Josh- I came… straight… from the airport.
CJ- Why?
Josh- Delay… Chicago… Damned Chicago…
CJ- Gotta say, you're not looking too good there, Josh.
Josh- And damn you!
CJ- Well, that just breaks my achey-breakey heart.
Josh- What?
CJ- You look all worn out. Are you sure it's the jet lag?
Josh- (Rubs a hand down his face) What?
CJ- I'm just saying, maybe there's another reason you're feeling like this, and it has nothing to do with all those time zones you crossed.
Josh- What the… hell are you talking about?
CJ- Wow. Five minutes in, and you're already having a helluva day, aren't you?
Josh- You have no idea.
CJ- Well… no. But I do have some idea of how bad it's gonna get.
Josh- And… again… what the hell are you talking about?
CJ- Go to your office, ask Donna to get you some coffee, and get ready, okay?
CJ heads off, chuckling all the way. Josh calls after her:
Josh- CJ! What the hell are you talking about!
Suddenly, he cries out and clutches his head.
Josh- Damn…
Josh continues his tortured progress towards his office. Donna Moss rounds a corner, spots him and heads over. Josh spots her coming too, and raises a protective hand.
Josh- Donna, please… not now. Just give me… give me five minutes alone in my office with the lights off before you say anything. Okay?
Donna- Can I say welcome back?
Josh- Sure.
Donna- But, I also have to tell you…
Josh- Donna…
Josh- I have to tell you that you need to meet with Leo.
Josh- Now?
Donna- Yes.
Josh- No five minutes?
Donna- No.
Josh- No quiet time with the lights off?
Josh- No.
Josh- I hate my job…
Donna- It's not line-dancing, that's for sure.
Josh- What?
Donna- What?
Josh- You're the second one to… Nevermind. I need to see Leo?
Donna- Right now.
Josh- Okay. I'm on my way.
He changes direction and limps off, muttering as he goes.
Josh- I have a feeling this is not gonna be a good day…
And we slam cut to:
The West Wing Opening Credits,