I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Sometimes the only time Dean could make sure that he still did have the emotions that he always suppressed was to remind himself of the past. Remind himself of when he was four and no one would tell him where his mommy was after the fire, or why they were putting her in a box underground when they did find her, why they wouldn't open the box and let him see inside. No one told him when she would be coming back. All little Dean knew was that Sammy wanted mommy too, he kept crying, and it took him a month to just sleep thought the night again. Little Dean cared so much for his little brother, he'd do anything for him.
Dean wished that they could be like that again, like they were when they were kids, before Sam had gone away, before either one had gotten covered in scars, both emotional and physical.
Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is
Right now, sitting at a bar in Missouri, All Dean wanted was to be left alone. Sam had once again gone into emo mode about Jess, and once again Dean had tried to tell him, he knew how it felt.
"Sam, I know how you feel, jus-"
"No, Dean, you don't know! You were four fucking years old, Jess died months ago! You don't know how I feel, and you never will!"
The words stung more than Dean cared to admit. Yes he'd been four, but there were just some wounds that time couldn't heal. Just some scars that didn't fade away, and that was one of them. Sam wasn't the four year old wondering why mommy wasn't home anymore. Sam wasn't the one that had to hold his crying little brother while crying himself, just wanting his mother back. Sam didn't know how much he missed her.
Dean looked up when he heard the chair across the table from him scrape across the floor and someone sit down. He bit his lip and tightened his grip on his beer as he saw his brother, still angry.
Drinking was Dean's way of healing any emotional pain, and right now he needed to be passed out drunk. He just wanted to be left alone to drink himself stupid, why did Sam have to come around?
Dean had tried to help him with the pain he was feeling, he'd really tried to help his baby brother, but Sam just shoved him away.
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand
Sam never realized that he was going to drown himself in grief if he kept dwelling on it. Dean had tried to help him, tried to tell him he was in the same boat, and hell, he'd been afloat longer. Dean had told himself not to try, he knew that it would end in disaster, but baby brother needed consolation.
No matter how much Dean didn't want to admit it, he knew that they wouldn't be hunting together again. Too much damage was already done.
I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself
Dean just wanted to be alone to fix the pain that was caused, but Sam had to follow him. Dean knew things wouldn't be the same again, but after this he wouldn't be able to protect his baby brother. Dean had actually opened up once, and Sam hadn't understood at all, he'd just kicked his brother when he was down. Sam was grieving and Dean tired to help, but he just didn't understand.
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
Dean had tried to help his brother, but he couldn't, he just couldn't stay with him day after day after what Sam had said.
"Dean, you just don't know what I'm going through, you'll never know how I feel."
"I do know how you feel Sam!" Dean screamed, pushing himself up. "I do know, I'm in the same fucking boat as you, I've been there for a lot longer than you have, and loosing your mother when you were four, and then spending a year trying to keep your baby brother happy while you were dying inside because you don't know what happened to your mother isn't just a scar that fades away with time! You had no right to say that to me, I was trying to help you Sam!"
"Well you were doing a lousy job!" Sam growled, pushing himself up as well. "Now come on, you're drunk, let's get you back to the room before you make even more of an ass out of your self."
"No, Sam, no. We can't just go back like nothing happened. Things aren't the same anymore. You aren't the baby brother that I knew I had to protect, you're a man now. I was trying to help, now I'm sorry Sammy, but, I've gotta move on with my own life. You go back to college and eat yourself up by yourself." Dean said with a shake of his head, biting his lip as he felt the hot prick of tears in his eyes.
It was hard to accept that he couldn't protect his baby brother anymore because his baby brother was the enemy, but it was harder to accept that he didn't have his little Sammy anymore. His little Sammy died the same night Jess did.
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Tochi: Song fic! This's been in my head for a while, but I needed to update my other stories first.
Disclaimer: Linc: We don't own Dean, Sam, beer (shifty look), Missouri, Mary, Jess, the fires that killed them, or the song Scars.
Flap Jack: Read, review, join my evil army.