Who controls the past

controls the future.

Who controls the present

controls the past.

- GEORGE ORWELL

5.04

Crossword Puzzles

If I were to try and remember everything that happened the last couple of years, there would be one problem. I wouldn't be able to tell you the first memory. It was one of the questions that I asked my mom when I was eight. You see my parents were writers and as my mom would put it, 'writing is always a process, you never really know how to start a story or when it finally feels like it comes to an end, all you know is that it is a story that has to be told.' I guess if my life was a story, written down on the pages with someone reading it, I am pretty sure that it would be a pretty boring one. Like reading a medical journal about breeding practices of locusts boring, it was just like everyone else life here in Gatlin South Carolina, that is until the dreams started.

Of course looking now at the sunrise on top of Summerville's plain white water tower, life has gotten much the opposite of boring. I don't know why I come here, but lately I have been running to the one place, the last place that I saw her. It was the day the universe split open and took one of the few people who ever really heard me. A Wayward with no Compass, there are days that I just feel a little bit lost in the middle of a storm.

"Amma," I say lowly. "I brought your favorite, although I need some help on some of them."

I put the half-finished crossword puzzles each from the different newspaper, next to the sharpie heart, placing a rock on top of it. It was one of the things that I know she always enjoyed. No, scratched that, she just didn't enjoy it she found…

'G. R. A. T. I. F. I. C. A. T. I. O. N.'

Thirteen down. The thought of it always made me smile at least for a second, before I realize that I wouldn't hear her voice. She always knew what to say and what to do, even though I was the last to ever understand it, always talking in riddles. Now I do the crosswords every morning, or at least try to. I keep her special #2 pencils sharp and in there drawer, hoping that one day I would hear her again grabbing one, but of course know that it would never happen. They will forever be sharp in the drawer, never used, always waiting.

Ethan.

I hear her voice as if the sun was bringing it over to me from Gatlin. It was always the perfect way to start the day.

Morning L

Her voice sounds all groggy and looking at my watch I know that she is just getting up. Lena was the only reason why I haven't basically lost it. Out of all the people that would understand what I was going through, I know she would. She was the reason that my life went from a boring normal one to something that you would find in the comic book store. It was after all the only place that I knew where they had books of people who had superpowers. All Lena needed was a costume and a probably a cool name and she would be the newest super hero in Gatlin. Well come to think of it, if I didn't know Lena's world, she would be the only super hero that I would know. To Lena though, powers were always just another thing that you have to deal with when growing up a Caster. The world that the mortal world never knew existed was filled with the things of Comic Books, Naturals, Cataclysts, Incubus, and even Sirens, and that was just Lena's family.

I of course only knew Lena as the girl that I dreamt about before I even met. She is the Lena that would put Milk Duds in popcorn because she liked the taste of melted chocolate on salt. She is my Lena.

Couldn't sleep?

Some things never change, and although the dreams have stopped, the fact that sleep had always evaded me, now feels like a new normal. Waking up so early that only the Incubuses would be out lurking, and finding my old running shoes already on my feet before I even knew that I would go out running. It was the only thing that helped. Running until my body gave out, until my mind would stop thinking, stop remembering, and focus on one thing, the fact that I was going to collapse sooner than later.

Tried

Why didn't you wake me?

It was a good question. I was about to do it but after keeping her up four days out of the week, I guess I wanted to just let one of us to have a break.

It is okay, L. I love you for asking. I do wish you could see what I am seeing right now.

Told you the view from up there was much better than in the car next to the Water Tower.

A smile creeps up and I know what she is trying to do. The good memories always outweigh the bad ones. She always knew how to distract me, to get me think of something else. Focus on the one positive thing that you have and put your strength towards that. It was the advice that has gotten me through the worst of it, because it always brought me back to Lena. She was one of the most positive things that I have right now and after being apart from her for so long, I just want to be with her every moment.

Then why didn't you wake me?

She must have heard me thinking it, which would normally been embarrassing if she hadn't heard the other thoughts that I was thinking of all those months ago.

Good question. Wasn't thinking, I guess.

Looking around I see the day is going to be a good one. At least from what I can tell, the weather has been cooperating and we had only had a couple of showers here and there but nothing too bad. I wonder though, how long it would take me to get back to Gatlin.

Well if you had taken me with you then we would have the car, genius.

Breakfast?

Okay. I will be right there.

There is no one at my house right now to cook breakfast, what with my father spending more and more time at the University. Losing Amma hit him just as hard if not more as it hit me. He told me that he couldn't believe that Amma was gone and that sooner or later she would be back. We couldn't really tell him that she would never be back, never be able to tell him that the sky ripped open and Amma dressed in her black Sunday dress was taken in place of me. I could never tell him that she took my place to keep the Order balanced. I could never tell him things that I had seen, because I sometimes do not even believe that I had seen it to start off.

The walk alongside the road was a welcome changed. At first I thought about waiting at the base of the Water Tower, but after a couple of minutes I thought I might go out for a walk. Walking alongside the road I could feel Lena getting closer. Sticking out my thumb, I hear a car begin to slow down.

"Well mighty nice of you to stop, Ma'am," I say with a smile. Lena sits in hearse with a smile. She clicks the doors open and sliding into the seat, I can feel the warmth of her skin even before I am able to touch her. Her hand touches mine and just like it was yesterday and the day before and the day before, there was nothing but the feeling of her skin.

"Still can't get over it," I say.

What?

"How soft your skin feels," I say moving my fingers through hers. The ability to do this is of course new. In the beginning it was just a sharp shock, like licking your finger tips and touching a live wire. Of course like everything that involves Lena, the more her powers became a part of her, the stronger the shock, until we really couldn't touch without almost causing a heart attack. Now that I died and came back, I guess it is true what they say, you can't kill a dead man, and technically that was what I was, even had a grave over at Greenbrier.

Pulling her hand closer to my lips, I kiss the top of it and the way her eyes look at me, it is enough to bring up the butterflies in my stomach.

Remember, I don't park with guys

I just let out a laugh.

"Yes," I say. "And you don't sit in the last three rows of the movie theater."

A sharp jab to my arm and her smile disappears. It was our first date, and well who would want to sit where Savanna Snow was or even Emily Asher. The movie theater in Summerville is the nearest one we have to Gatlin and well whenever we get a 'new' release it had already been out for months.

"You hungry or what?" she says turning back to look at the road.

"Lil's Joe?" I say and a small smile comes to her face. Putting the car in drive she pulls away from the road. It was the little restaurant that we would always stop by whenever we would go to the Water Tower in Summerville. It was in the middle between Gatlin and Summerville, or the way we put it, 'the middle between reality and fantasy.' It was the closest thing that we could get to Amma's cooking, and even then it wasn't even close. Of course it was better than my brunt eggs and toast that I experimented that one morning. I don't think that even Harlan James could eat it.

I put my head on the window and just stare out at the trees passing by. Honestly I am not really all that hungry; I guess the thoughts of losing her have my stomach in knots.

I can still feel her fingers in mine.

"You want to talk about it," she says in the silence.

The way her voice sounds, I know that she is concerned about me, and I love her for it.

"I don't really know, how to start," I say.

"Start anywhere," she says. "We got time before we get to Joe's."

"It feels like there is a hole, you know. Almost as if my insides have been broken and my outside is keeping it from falling apart," I say trying to explain it. "It is almost like this road, going to a place that I have no idea where it is. Amma wasn't really the destination but she was the one that kept me on the road. You know."

Yeah, I sort of know what you mean.

Your Uncle?

It felt as it happened yesterday, the fire at Greenbrier, the sharp stab of the knife in my stomach. It was then the coming nothing, the darkness that enveloped everything, feeling as if I was falling under water, being taken to the deepest abyss. Then feeling her fingers, and hearing her voice calling me back. I didn't know until later but Lena had made a trade my life for her Uncles. It was a trade that broke not only our bond, it broke me in half.

My eyes feel the tug of her heart calling me to turn. Slowly my eyes move from the road that is desolate that I wonder if it is even used by people. It is when my eyes lock in with hers that I feel the deep hole being filled.

"You want to know what got me through it?" she says sweetly. She unhooks her fingers from mines and tugs at the charms on her necklace not looking down but feeling it with her fingertips. A small gold ring catches my eye, the way the sunlight bounced off it, the three strands of different colored gold all braided into a wreath. My mother's ring.

I smile at it, knowing the things that I can remember from my mother. It was the smallest things that I remember about my mother, and knowing that Lena still has it, means the world to me.

"Amma told me that you must have loved me something fierce to give me your mother's ring," she says. "It was what gave me the strength when I felt the most alone, because someone at least once loved me enough."

I still do.

Well then remember…you have someone who brought you back twice.

It was the one thing that I know for a fact. It is the one sure thing in the massive sea of doubt that can always keep me steady. We love each other and in that certainty everything makes sense.

"Thanks," I say.

"On another note," she says repositioning herself in the seat. "I was going to wait to surprise you but…"

"But what?" I say tentatively. Lena knows how much I love surprises, especially since the last couple that she has shared has been a couple of doozie, 'my family have powers, there are light and dark Casters.'

"I know how much you love surprises," she says mocking me. "The bag on the back seat."

I look back and see her old backpack from school. The ratty old thing has seen many places and has the holes to prove it. Taking it from the back seat she tells me to open it. The way she says it, I know that she had something inside for me. Opening the old zipper, I see inside tons and tons of brochures and maps.

"Got the maps from the Stop n' Steal," she says. Looking at them, it was maps of New York, Alaska, Chicago, Denver, Los Angeles, Louisiana and even Mexico City. I knew exactly what they were for and why she got them. In my room hung a map that covered one of the walls with push pins and string. I read so many books and wanted to visit so many different places that I had a plan back before I met Lena of going on a road trip the summer before college.

"Doctor Ashcroft gave me all the brochures about what to do when in the places; you know what historic places to visit, places to eat," she says obviously nervous. One the things that she does when she is nervous is ramble on and on, that and bite her lower lip, it is her tell. "There is one place in New York that is said to have the best Fried Mac n' Cheese, and another place in Denver that actually has rabbit and chitlins."

She shivers at the mention of chitlins. One of the few southern dishes that we both agree should never ever be made or eaten. She lets out a laugh and then I stop her.

"Sounds like a plan," I say putting the brochures back in the bag. It was the plan, had it all figured out; finish finally my senior year at Stonewall Jackson, get in the car with Link, my best friend and just drive to New York. Funny how now, I might just get to do it.

So you like it?

Only if you go with me L

Seems like we have a road trip to plan

She turn the corner and there in front of us is the smallest little diner that could made. The first time we stopped here was by accident, looking for a bathroom. Funny thing is that Lena thought it was rest stop. It does its charm; the food is good and always reminds me of Amma. Once closing the door to the car, I walk over to Lena and she holds out her hand. The small steps to the door creaks it small unique sound and even the door has a bell that rings every time it is open is unique.

The waitress is coming out from the kitchen when she sees us. The smile that comes from her face is the same one that always greets us.

"Well if it isn't my favorite couple," she says balancing the plates of food on both her arms. The smell that comes from the kitchen is enough to cause my stomach to grumble. I guess it finally woke up and realized that it was empty. "How y'all been? Noah these are the kids that I been tawking to you bout."

Her accent is so strong that sometimes it is difficult to understand what she is saying, Lena just smiles and nods whenever she doesn't know. I on the other hand lived in Gatlin my whole life and when you live in south long enough you sort of become a translator. My mother would always make me put a dollar for every accent word that I brought back home, the son of two authors can you believe it, there was no swear jar in the house, there was a 'tawking' jar.

Looking over to where Billie Jean was pointing, we see an older gentleman sitting at the counter sipping on what seems to be soup. Soup for breakfast? Well there are some things that you simply cannot explain. He lifts up his head and then turns to us smiling.

Lena's hand goes up just a little to wave.

"Josephine….and," Billie Jean says pointing at Lena and then her finger reaches me and she scrunches her face. "Tip of my tongue…gad-na-bit…wait…don't tell me."

I turn to Lena and she smiles. It was one of the things we did when we first walked into this little diner. It was the first time that people in the diner didn't know who Lena was by her face. People in Gatlin and some in Summerville knew who Lena Duchanne was by her Uncle, Macon Ravenwood, the owner of one of the only standing plantations in Gatlin and Summerville. Here in this small diner, they knew who the Duchannes where as well as the Ravenwoods, but they didn't know that she belonged with them. It did surprise me a little bit when the waitress asked Lena for her name and she said 'Josephine' as if it was second nature, as common as it was the first day she was born. I of course decided to play along and told Billie Jean that my name was…

"Lawson," I say out loud to Billie Jean. She smiles and places the plates on the table that was obviously waiting for their meals.