Edward Gets an F
It was another crappy day in gym class. The students were running laps around the gym while Coach Joey shouted obscenities at them.
Coach Joey: What's wrong with you little pantywaists? My dead grandma can run faster than you!
Coach Joey noticed Edward reading in the corner. He grabbed Edward's book and threw it across the gym.
Edward: Hey! What gives?
Coach Joey: Edward, what in the name of Marilyn Manson are you doing? This is a gymnasium, not the public library!
Edward: I was reading a fascinating book about photosynthesis.
Coach Joey: Nobody cares about taking pictures, Edward! This is physical education, and I've yet to see you do any physical activity all semester!
Coach Joey motioned to D10 and Splodge, and they began chasing Edward around the gym with wet towels. Coach Joey went to his office and returned with a stack of papers.
Coach Joey: Before you hit the showers, come get your midterms.
The students ran to Coach Joey and got their midterms. When Edward saw his, he turned white as a sheet. He stayed behind as everyone else ran to the locker room.
Edward: Coach Joey, I had a question about my grade. Is this a typo?
Coach Joey: No, Edward. You are, in fact, getting an F in my class.
Edward fainted.
Sometime later, Edward regained consciousness.
Edward: What happened?
Coach Joey: You saw the F on your midterm and fainted like a little girl.
Edward: Why?
Coach Joey: I don't know why you're such a wuss, but you're failing my class because you're weak! You can't swim, you throw like a girl, and you couldn't catch a ball to save your life! However, my biggest problem with you is that you DON'T EVEN TRY! If you put even half the effort into this class that you do into being an irritating know-it-all, we wouldn't be having this conversation! Now get out of my sight before I cram a stick up your butt and feed you to Fatty!
At the end of the day, Edward went home and started whining to his father.
Ted (Edward's dad): An F! How could you bring home an F? Do you know what this will do to your future? You'll never get into Harvard with grades like that!
Edward left his house and began walking to the library. On his way, he ran into Toby, who was running away from Mavis.
Toby: You gotta hide me, man!
Edward: Mavis again?
Toby: Yeah.
Edward: Very well then.
Edward hid Toby behind his oversized backpack. Mavis came by.
Mavis: Hey dork. See my hot snuggly Toby-Muffin go by?
Edward: Nope.
Mavis: The game's afoot! Oh Toby-Muffin, come out come out and play!
Mavis left.
Toby: Thanks man. How can I repay you?
Edward: Actually, I do have a favor to ask, but promise you won't tell anyone.
Toby: Cross my heart and hope Percy dies.
Edward: (Whispers in Toby's ear) I'm failing gym class.
Toby: YOU'RE FAI…
Edward: SHHHHHHHHHH!
Toby: Whispers Sorry.
Edward: I need help so I can get a passing grade.
Toby: Why me?
Edward: Cause I've seen how fast you run away from Mavis. And you can catch balls easier than you chase Percy.
Toby: So?
Edward: If you don't help me pass, I'll tell Mavis where you are.
Toby: You wouldn't dare.
Edward: Try me. Oh Mavis…
Toby: Okay okay okay! I'll help you get better. Just call off the beast!
Edward: Excellent.
Toby: Meet me at my house first thing in the morning. And bring pie.
Edward: Why pie?
Toby: Cause it's delicious.
Next morning, Edward showed up at Toby's house bright and early. To his dismay, they were not alone.
Edward: What's this?
Toby: It's just Percy.
Edward: No it's not.
Just then Mavis and Diesel came by. Both of them were carrying gym bags.
Mavis: Good morning Toby-Muffin!
Diesel: Get bent Fruitcake!
Edward: What are you two doing here?
Mavis: We heard you were flunking gym class, so we came to help.
Diesel: Actually, I just came to laugh at you. The thought of you working out is absolutely hysterical.
Edward (to Toby): I'm outta here.
Toby: Wait. Diesel, leave him alone. It's hard enough for someone like Edward to ask for help without getting made fun of. Remember when everyone made fun of you for a week because your gym shorts ripped and they all saw your Spongebong Hemppants boxers?
Diesel (angrily): Did you have to remind me?
Toby: For the purpose of this conversation, yes.
Just then, Thomas and Emily showed up.
Thomas: Hi Edward. We heard about your situation.
Emily: Yeah, and we'd like to help.
Edward (yelling): Does everyone have to know about this?
Percy: Yes.
Toby: I just got an idea. Edward, your first exercise is chasing Percy.
And they were off. Percy was yelling weird crap while Edward was getting pooped.
Percy: I LIKE CHICKS! I'M GONNA SCORE! EDWARD WON'T CAUSE HE'S A DORK!
Edward: (Huffing and puffing) I… can't… do it. I give up.
Then Mavis had an idea.
Mavis: Hey Edward, here's a baseball bat. If you catch Percy you can hit him with it!
Edward began to pick up speed. He went faster, and faster, and he finally caught up to Percy and- *WABAMM!
He hit Percy in the butt and he went flying over the fence into the ground.
Mavis: Home Run!
And everyone (except Percy) started cheering.
Toby: So Edward, how do you feel?
Edward: (Exhausted) Pretty good. I've wanted to clobber him for years.
Toby: NEXT EXERCISE!
Mavis: Diesel and I are gonna help you lift weights. We'll start with some barbells.
Edward: (Lifts but gets tried) I pooped.
Diesel: Haha! Wussy! You're completely pathetic!
Mavis: Diesel!
Diesel: What?
Mavis: Shut up or I'll make you go home!
Diesel: You're no fun!
Mavis: Now Edward, just think of all the mean, rude things people say to you and take your anger out on the barbells.
Edward thought about Coach Joey and how he yelled at him. And when he had been bullied by the other guys. Before he knew it, Edward had lifted the barbell over his head, and it hit Percy.
Percy: OUCH! Cut it out fart-knocker!
Mavis: ALRIGHT! He did it!
Edward: *Exhausted. Wow. I did it!
Toby: NEXT EXERCISE!
The group next went to the pool that was created when Fatty fell out of a plane high in the air and splatted deep into the ground.
Emily: Edward, I'm gonna have you swim some laps around the pool.
Edward: I…*whispers* I can't swim.
Percy: You can't swim?
Diesel: *laughing* You're even more pathetic than I thought!
Thomas: Hmm…Edward, go put on a life jacket.
So Edward put on his life jacket and began drowning after 5 seconds. Percy was in the pool saying naughty stuff, and Diesel was kicking and laughing and rolling around on the floor so hard that his eyes were watery.
Mavis: Hey Edward, chase Percy in the water. If you catch him, you get to drown him.
Emily: No Mavis. We want Edward to pass gym. NOT commit homicide!
Mavis: Fine. Scratch the drowning part. You can hold him underwater for a few minutes.
So Edward started chasing Percy. He grabbed his legs and dunked him under the water.
Percy: (Gurgled) Help! I'm drowning!
Thomas: Alright Edward, that's enough.
Edward: Wow. That felt good.
Toby: LUNCH BREAK!
So they went for lunch. Edward had a turkey sandwich with a salad with no dressing and a glass of milk.
Diesel: Laughing You call that lunch! I've got more food stuck between my teeth! You need a MAN'S lunch!
Diesel plopped a big steak on Edward's plate. Followed by a large plop of mashed potatoes and enough gravy to fill a swimming pool. And some dinner rolls and butter.
Emily: He must have a fruit.
Diesel: How about Toby?
Toby: HEY!
Mavis: Diesel!
Diesel: What?
Thomas: I've got an apple in my gym bag.
Diesel: Fine. And a Gatorade to wash it all down with.
Edward: I can't eat this slop!
Diesel: You're right. You're too much of a wuss. (Mocking Edward voice) Oh no! This is too much food! I'll get a tummy ache! Then I won't pass gym and have to work at McDonalds for the rest of my life and not get in to college!
Edward was now angry. He grabbed his fork and gobbled it all up.
Diesel: Now that's more like it!
Edward: (Grabbing his stomach) I'm not feeling so good.
Emily: Alright. Give him a half hour and we'll move on to the next exercise.
Next they did some basketball. Edward tried to shoot the ball, but it didn't even get close to the net. In fact it hit the other side of the gym. Diesel, of course, found this hysterical.
Diesel: *Laughing his butt off. I would say you throw like a girl, BUT THAT WOULD BE AN INSULT TO EVERY GIRL I'VE MET! (Laughs again)
Mavis: Diesel! Go home!
Diesel: What? He's worse than that time Grandmamma got drunk and lost her glasses.
Mavis: *Points to the door. OUT!
Diesel got booted out by Mavis.
Mavis: Hey Percy! Stand under that basket!
Percy: No way! Last time you told me to do that, you threw a bowling ball through the hoop!
Mavis: But they didn't have any other basketballs.
Percy: Well, OKAY!
Percy, being the idiot porn boy he was, stood under the basket.
Emily: All right Edward. When you throw the ball, aim towards the big square above the hoop.
Edward aimed, but still managed to miss.
Thomas: Well, at least you kept it on the right side of the gym.
Percy: Wow. This IS the safest place to be.
Emily: Watch me Edward.
And Emily showed Edward how to squat when throwing the ball into the hoop.
Percy: Notice her thingies going up and down?
Mavis: Give me that.
Mavis grabbed the ball and hit Percy in the face with it.
Percy: OW! Feisty!
Mavis: Your turn Edward.
So Edward did what Mavis did and Percy lost hit in the head. Don't worry folks. He didn't hurt anything he ever used. This went on for a while. Then came the big day.
Coach Joey: All right maggots. Today we run the mile. You have 10 minutes to get this done. *Points at Edward. If you don't make it, YOU WILL FAIL!
Soon they were off. Edward was running as fast as he could. But he soon got tired. But then he remembered Mavis saying to imagine holding a big stick in your hands and imagine Percy at the finish line. So Edward ran like there was no tomorrow. Soon he made it over the finish line just in time. But Coach Joey didn't seem to care.
Coach Joey: Well Edward, YOU FAIL!
Edward: But…
Coach Joey: FAIL!
Thomas, Percy and Toby couldn't take it anymore.
Thomas: Leave him alone!
Percy: Yeah!
Toby: We've been helping him train! He deserves to pass!
Coach Joey: Train? BULL CRAP!
But then Skarloey came up.
Skarloey: It's true sir. I saw the whole thing.
And Skarloey showed Coach Joey the video.
Coach Joey: I know he's been training.
Edward: Then why did you say I was gonna fail?
Coach Joey: SO I CAN SCARE YOU! *Laughs. You should have seen your face! (Mocking Edward voice) Oh no! I'm gonna fail! I'll never get into Harvard and make my daddy proud!
Diesel: Yeah! That was really funny. I almost died laughing but Mavis told me to go home.
Coach Joey: Well Edward, If you keep trying like that you might make it with a B.
Edward: Oh boy! I passed?
Coach Joey: Just barely.
Edward: YAY! I PASSED!
So Edward made it through gym class. And some time later Percy would end up getting an A. But that's another story…