A/N: (grins) Yup, I'm back with another oneshot! Yay?
FINALLY a full-flexed SasuNaru for this theme! I've been itching to make one. (sighs happily) To those who are new around my ficcies, this is once again a addition to my 'The One Thing You Want' –collection. This is my idea of what might've been going through Sasuke's head through the early anime/manga.
DISCLAIMER: Me, OWN?! (laughs hysterically)
WARNINGS: YAOI, saddness, spoilers to those who haven't made it to the Shippuuden… Oddness, of course – this is my fic, after all. (grins)
DEDICATED TO: To each and every SasuNaru/NaruSasu-fan out there, of course. (grins) And to my dancing-partner. I'm sorry.
Awkay, because I can't come up with anything else to stall with… (gulps) Let's rock – I really hope ya'll enjoy this!
Why is the one thing you want often the only thing you can't have?
The One Thing You Want - Itsutsu
It was no secret that Sasuke had faced his fair share of pain during his life. Already as a child he lost everything once, his whole world was stolen from him. But then his angry, torn apart heart found something to cherish.
Little did he know that the day his heart found something to wish for and chose to fall in love with Naruto Uzumaki, his fate was sealed.
Because some hearts just aren't meant to beat as one.
Dokun… Dokun… Dokun … Dokun…. Dokun…
When he was six, Sasuke – always having been one to saunter off from time to time – found himself quite far from his home. Like most children when getting lost he was startled at first, but quite soon his mind was led elsewhere.
For he literally ran into a golden-haired boy who looked so much like a sunshine that he had to blink several times.
The other child smiled apologetically while helping him up. "Sorry – I wasn't looking!"
"It's… okay", was the most intelligent sentence he could come up with. After several seconds he managed to speak once more. "What's your name?"
The boy opened his mouth, but just then a yell interrupted him. "You brat, get back in here to look at what you've done at this instant or else…!"
The blond grinned sheepishly. "I've gotta go. See you later okay?" With that the boy started to dash away.
Hard as he tried, Sasuke couldn't hold himself back. He smiled. And at that moment it became clear that things would never be the same again.
Fortunately to his optimistic child's heart, he couldn't possibly know yet that love doesn't always lead to happiness. That nothing hurts more than caring too much.
Dokun… Dokun… Dokun … Dokun….
When they became teammates, Sasuke thought things were finally turning towards the better. But his dreams had never come true. Quite soon it became clear that Naruto wasn't only in love with Sakura, but also all but hated him. He, on the other hand, couldn't even get his head straigth as to what his thoughts and feelings were. And suddenly life was much harder than before.
Several years later less than six hours after their encounter with Haku and Zabuza, Sasuke woke up from his light slumber when someone approached the mattress he was sleeping on. Opening his eyes, he felt a tiny jolt inside when finding Naruto's somewhat thoughtful face.
Seeing that he was awake, the blond jumped backwards and grinned sheepishly. "Sorry – I wasn't supposed to wake you up."
He rolled his eyes, feeling unimaginably uncomfortable. "What do you want?"
At first Naruto seemed ready for a biting remark of some sort, but then obviously changed his mind. The boy's eyes were almost startlingly solemn. "Sasuke… Why did you really do it?" Seeing his expression, the boy went on. "You… could've died, because of me. Why did you save me?"
As he looked at Naruto, for several long seconds he felt nearly desperate to speak out the truth, to finally spit out what he'd been carrying since the day they'd met; it was getting so very heavy. But he wasn't brave and stupid enough for the truth just yet. "We're ninjas, idiot. It's our duty to protect. So stop twisting things around and leave me alone."
Naruto stared at him for the longest time, as though seeing his lie or something else beyond. But then, just as something close to hope lingered inside him, the boy took one step backwards, then another. "I should go back to bed." The blond yawned loudly and stretched. "It's already late, you know? We're too tired for this."
Not having the slightest clue what to say or do, he simply watched how Naruto walked up to his own sleeping spot and lay down with his back towards him. He looked at the blond for a moment, as though fighting with himself, then turned his back on the boy and started the battle of finding sleep.
And none of the things that should've been spoken were voiced.
Dokun… Dokun… Dokun …
Some months later, Naruto became sick with cold. Everyone else seemed to be busy, so Sasuke was stuck on the duty to make sure the blond was okay. Needless to say, he wasn't exactly ecstatic about his task, especially with how complicated and hard everything seemed to become when Naruto was involved.
After knocking once, he entered Naruto's home to find the apartment just as messy as he'd expected. From the depths of a bed, the obviously feverish blond gave him a somewhat hazy look and coughed thrice before managing to speak. "You… came to mock me, didn't you?"
He rolled his eyes, feeling something shift uncomfortably. He wondered when exactly something as simple as being in the same room with the Uzumaki had become nearly unbearable. "Not everything is about you, dumbass. I was forced to come and make sure you're still alive."
For just a moment something that looked deviously lot like disappointment flashed by the other boy's face. "Oh."
For some reason Naruto's condition seemed to shatter the pathetically weak shreds of strength he'd had on arrival. And so – instead of leaving, as he should've done – he walked closer. He fought back a frown when brushing the blond's forehead. "You're burning up."
Naruto winced. "Tell me something I don't know."
He fought the urge to sigh. "I guess I have to get you some medicine." This was possibly his only chance to escape. He'd have to take it.
But he never made it to safety. Because just then Naruto's uncomfortably warm, clammy hand wrapped around his wrist. "Stay." The near-whisper was so desperate that it broke something inside him. "Please?"
He opened his mouth, only to find himself incapable of saying 'No'. And so he sat down to Naruto's bedside, watching how the other boy relaxed completely and closed his eyes.
As he sat there, watching how Naruto slept soundly, he slowly came to realize just how deep he'd fallen. And for the first time since childhood he felt a hint of fear.
What the hell should he do now?
All of a sudden his thoughts were cut by the about last words he would've wanted to hear. Naruto smiled faintly in his sleep, one hand fumbling for something. "…Sakura-chan…"
Sasuke could actually feel how his eyes dulled as the impact shot through his whole frame, bringing in something even a thousand blades couldn't have caused. Then, very slowly, he got up with as much grace as he could muster and walked unsteadily to the kitchen to make some tea.
He didn't sleep all night, nor was he there when Naruto woke up in the morning.
Dokun… Dokun…
Time passed, and the more he had to be with Naruto – to face every day what he'd never have – the more of Sasuke's heart started to die slowly. The day he met Itachi again he finally made up his mind, although something inside him fought against it. The night he knocked down Sakura, there was no remorse in his heart.
He was feeling like a drowning man. Why shouldn't he try and save himself?
Maybe it was time to let go.
Night was surprisingly cold and darker than usual when he found Naruto from a park almost right after his 'goodbye' to Sakura. Neither of them was in the mood for a lot of talking while they sat side by side, watching how night came to life before their eyes. While fireflies and other nightly insects danced around them sounds of birds could be heard from the distance. Under different circumstances, in some other universe, all might've been perfect.
But as it was, Sasuke had to settle with how things were.
He'd come to say goodbye, hadn't he?
So little they spoke, that he shivered a little when Naruto spoke surprisingly quietly. "Sasuke… I'm sick of fighting all the time." Blue eyes were sincere and painfully gentle as they turned and searched through his, an inch from seeing the truth. "I just… I want to help you, okay? Tell me what to do."
As he looked towards his friend – his whole damn world – he finally realized just how far things had come. His eyes opened up to see that there was only one thing left he could do. A wry smile appeared to his face while he got up. "You want to do something useful? You want to help?" He swallowed, but the lump in his throat didn't disappear. "Then let go and forget about it." Because you can't give the one thing I'd want from you. So stop hurting me already.
Naruto gave him a somewhat confused look, obviously not understanding. "What are you talking about?"
He fought the urge – to do what, he'd never know. "Idiot." With that he turned around, deep down hoping it was the last time he'd have to turn his back on Naruto.
Wind blew past him and his steps were heavy as he made his way away from the one thing he'd wanted. But he managed to steel the little heart he'd had left. And so Sakura, who lay unconscious on a bench not far away, was the only one crying in the night.
Dokun…
But as fate would have it, there was a one more chance for things to take a different route. For Naruto was stubborn enough not to let Sasuke walk away from the hell his life had become.
That day in the valley, he finally let Naruto see everyhing. All the hurt and loneliness he'd been carrying, each and every scar he'd fought to hide and overcome. He screamed his heart out, paid back every inch of hurt tenfold, tore down everything that'd been killing him from the inside.
Finally Naruto saw, whether the boy realized it at the time or not.
But nothing could change the direction of things. For there was no power in Naruto to match the dark one caused by years of unrequitted love.
And as Naruto fell to the ground, all hope died along with the strange sensation there'd been in Sasuke's heart since they'd met.
Not much later Sasuke kneeled on the cold ground with rain washing over him, fighting with himself as he looked down on Naruto's unconscious face. His whole body was on fire and he was shaking as he breathed hard, barely managing to believe what he'd just done.
For several seconds he felt a nearly crushing need to lean downwards, towards the blond's slightly parted lips and finally be honest for once in his life. But then he stopped himself, forced himself back to reality.
No actions of honesty and affection would make any difference. Naruto's heart wasn't his to have. Naruto would never love him. And whatever he'd do, nothing would change those things.
And so he got up – not even noticing the pain his injuries caused from the one lurking much deeper – and started to limp away towards the darkness, towards a new life away from everything he'd known. Away from everything he cared about.
His steps didn't falter as he went, nor did he hesitate; it was too late for regret.
Besides, he reminded himself bitterly, who would even miss him?
He was eager to let the shadows swallow him in whole.
There wouldn't be a sixth chance.
Owari.
(To those wondering… The title of this story SHOULD mean 'five' in Japanese, or at least something close to that.) (grins)
A/N: (sniffs) Love bites sometimes, ne? Especially when it comes to our favorite duo. (sniffs again)
So… What do you think about that one – good, bad, okay, the worst one ever? PLEASE, let me know – it'd be great to hear your opinion! (gives heartmelting puppy-eyes)
And yup, the poll is still open – feel free to send requests as to what fics you'd like to see under this theme! So far I'll be making a Narux(Suna)Matsuri (which is almost done, btw – yay!), and a NejiHina-fic (for which I already have a faint idea).
Thank you so much for reading!
Take care!