AN/And here we are. This started off as a one-shot, then spurred all of the other stories in the "One-word Prompt Series", so I hope you like it. There's a poll up on my profile, I'd like to see which one you like best. And I like reviews too, so do your thing, and I'll do mine.
Yes, I know its extremely long. What can I say? Once I get excited, I get really excited.
And I don't own Criminal Minds.
"Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed."
-G. K. Chesterton
You walk down the hall as if nothing is new, and for the most part, it isn't. Very few things are new about the BAU, its more that the old is conspicuously absent. You instantly notice the seats of those missing, those who are now dead because of Adrian Bale. The unit is turned upside down, everyone unsure of how to cope with all the change and loss that has clouded the once happy place. You reconsider that last statement, unsure of if the BAU was ever actually happy or if that's just how you want to remember it. Even those who are still alive are gone, Gideon has taken a leave of absence, trying to clear his head of all the guilt he feels for that day in Boston. You wish you could say that you don't blame him, that it was an honest mistake that anyone could've made, but that would be a complete lie, and you don't lie to yourself. In the midst of all of your bad qualities at least one thing is for certain, if you can't be honest with yourself, who can you be honest with? You make it no habit to shield yourself from things that could hurt. You know the truth, you can be rude, you have no sense of humor, you put the value of work before people, but at least you know it. Gideon never thought of his weakness, the weakness of trusting others mindlessly, and it cost you six lives.
That is a mistake you would have never made. Not because you have better intuition, you just would never trust a serial bomber. You don't trust your own wife half the time, why would you trust a criminal? While you make mistakes in abundance, trusting too freely has never been one of them.
Then you see her, the new liaison. You only met her briefly but from what you saw you think she'll do an adequate job. You personally think she's a little young for the position, but then again, you did hire Reid and her qualifications are undeniable. You happen to note that she is a rather attractive woman, though you instantly scold yourself for it. Sometimes its hard to remember that while you're married, you're still a man, you're bound to notice these things. But you are married, so you vow silently to yourself that you'll never be caught thinking of Jennifer Jareau as more than a coworker. Its only then you notice something, you're walking down the hall about to pass her, this is where the strange cognition comes in. Do you wave or not? Its naturally going to be one of those awkward moments where you don't know what social protocol entails. You have the option to be yourself and ignore her, or try to be kind and acknowledge her presence. You decided to be friendly...just this once.
By waving, you welcome her to a unit that has been skulking and morose and she probably hasn't gotten a hello all day. Well, aside from Garcia. Garcia would never let the girl go an entire day without a proper welcome. But this is different, with how dark this unit has been, you feel as though its your duty to let this woman have some sense of happiness of her first day in the prestigious unit. There's only one problem, you aren't the waving type. So, you do the only thing you can as she fast approaches, you push yourself, allowing yourself to go out of your comfort zone, if only for a moment.
"Good afternoon JJ." You smile kindly, no you never got around to waving, but smiling is good, smiling is still an improvement.
"Good afternoon." She says, a small sound of imminent surprise resonating softly in her clear voice, but she smiles back; rewarding you for your efforts. From now on, you smile faintly, or at least acknowledge her every time you pass.
You've never been the father type. It wasn't like your father gave you some example to live up to. He was a mean, cheating man who never seemed to care about you or your mom. It wasn't until Sean was born that he even softened in the slightest. But you aren't about to let Jack pay for what your father did. So ready or not, you push again. This time, you push yourself to be a parent, be the father you never had. You push to be the family man you always wanted to have in your Dad and that's enough for you. Because you're willing to do anything for your son. You'll push to be the best parent you can if it will make your newborn son happy.
You've always known that you were jaded, it comes as no surprise to you and sometimes, you revel in it. Sometimes, its hard to go home to Hailey who is happy and hopeful when you know the deeper corruption that lies in the world. You know that there are no monsters, not things that go boo in the night, man is capable of all the atrocities in this world. Who needs monsters when the human population already is frightening enough?
But you also know that while not every bad guy gets caught, you and your team do a fairly good job of getting the worst ones. And you push yourself to believe that you can turn the "FBI Agent" off. And while deep down you know that you can't turn it off, you push yourself.
Because, Hailey and Jack, they are your family. You owe them more than phone messages and passing hello's. They deserve you to be there, and you will give it to them. It takes a bit of a push, forcing yourself to leave the mounting paperwork, but you do it and suddenly, the rape case in Detroit no longer seems like the only thing in the outside world. Outside of the BAU, you have a family, and they deserve more. So you reluctantly allow yourself to slip back into the world of happiness, and let the nightmares sleep for one night.
Common knowledge, you don't apologize. Having been raised by your father, you assume apologies are for the weak. But you kicked one of your agents, an agent that you think of as a friend. You said some cruel things, played on some of his insecurities about his shooting and you know, that its time to apologize, if only just this once. After all of the terror that Reid has been through for one night, and you know what you have to do. Pushing is starting to hurt less...
"I was worried that you wouldn't get my plan." You begin tentatively, drawing in the dirt with your foot.
"I figured it out once you got the hostages out of my line of fire." Reid admitted, biting back a smile.
"I just hope that I didn't kick you too hard." You say, almost reveling in your strength though his retort brings you back down to earth.
"Hotch, I was a twelve year old child prodigy in a Vegas public high school." He scoffed, his eyes twinkling mischievously. "You kick like a nine year old girl."
Maybe apologies aren't so hard after all.
You push to be the best, to do the right thing no matter what, so it makes you angry when you face Vincent Perotta. You've encouraged yourself to better than your father while he has used his anger as a crutch.
And when Vincent suggests your old man should have hit you too, you shudder involuntarily, because you've always been pushing yourself to believe that you are strong. And Vincent's suggestion, as ridiculous as it is, makes you think for just a moment that you are weak.
But your father did hit you, and you are strong despite it. Not because of it. Nothing that man did made you who you are, except for maybe proving who you didn't want to be.
You make yourself promise, while some victims grow to be the killer, you grew to catch them.
While you've always said that there was nothing you wouldn't do for your child, you push yourself to draw that line.
"I wouldn't clean up the blood of the people he killed." You say at the woman who's maternal instincts had led her to turn a blind eye to the monstrosity her son was committing. This is the day that you force yourself to face the truth, sometimes a parent's love is conditional.
And you pray to God that you will never have to cross that line.
Because you love Jack far too much to believe that he could become like some of the monsters you destroy.
You have to let him live his life. Sean is an adult now, you can't force him into a life he doesn't want. You try to push yourself, though its more difficult than he originally thought. You have lived your entire life controlling Sean, and now...its time to let go. So, going to your brother's restaurant, you give him your blessing to move on and live. And to your shock, you realize that you've grown closer to Sean. Now that you no longer allow yourself to play dictator to him.
Maybe a little push was all you needed.
Protecting the blonde liaison next to you came naturally, but for once, you had to push yourself not to smile. You like winning, and that's just what you were doing with Jacob Dawes. But he can't see you smile, not ever. In the few hours left, you can let him win anything. Not even something so stupid as granting him the unexpected. When you won at poker, you wanted to smile, but you didn't. You are far too stubborn to lose.
When you get to reveal to Jacob that Mary Jane never did kill their son and that he was going to hell by himself, you push yourself to smile.
Because you didn't lose.
Its hard to decide who you are. Its hard making the shift from Aaron Hotchner, FBI to Aaron Hotchner, father and husband. Cleaning out the garage, you try to be the perfect husband, though its hard. But you're pushing yourself, something you are starting to actually get really good at. Then you find it, your old hat from the school production.
Hailey laughs, but it causes you to smile wider. At least she understands your feelings about it. Here comes another push, vulnerability and allowing Hailey to see it. Admitting that you only did the stupid play because she was in it, it causes her to smile brighter than you could have ever dreamed, making it well worth the push.
Sometimes doing the right thing doesn't require a push, its easy and natural, never even causing your breathing to change. That's how it was for you the night you broke into Elle's house to clean up from the Fisher King.
You know you could never allow her to go home to that, memories staining the wall like the words written. You owe her too much for that.
Because deep down, you do feel like its your fault. You shouldn't have sent her home.
And you try to push the self-doubt away as you pick up the sponge to wash away the blood stained message.
But some things don't want to be pushed.
You often forget that you're not the only person you push, and now, you went and pushed Elle to hard. The disappointment that you feel is incomparable. You feel almost like a parent who has been betrayed by their child.
You pushed her too soon to go undercover. You should have known she wouldn't have been able to handle it. But you just had to push anyway, and it lead to her breaking with Lee, she killed a man in cold blood. And while the rest of the FBI remained convinced of her innocence, you deep down know the truth. Elle was never the type to murder someone out of an impulse. She was always calculating her options, you knew that from the start. So when the trigger was pulled, you know that she had all of her capacities.
When she suggests that it was your fault, that the team didn't have her back because you sent her home, you push yourself to remember that she could have stopped. That she was the one who didn't stop before she pulled the trigger. And that you are really doing what's best for her.
Then with the evaluation, she hid. While you could forgive her for something you would have done yourself, you can't forgive her for not fighting, for running away. So as you confront her, you feel justified.
And as you watch her walk away after giving what she says wasn't an admission of guilt, you push the figure of who you thought Elle Greenaway to be from your mind, watching the coward retreat.
Elle had been so strong and then, all of the sudden, she just--stopped.
You feel awkward plopping down next to her, with the intention of doing what you plan on doing. You don't often compliment your agents, feeling as though the job should be thanks enough. But JJ did good work, and she deserved to hear it. Because JJ's been picking up the slack ever since Elle left, and you're certain that no one else noticed.
But you did.
"You did exceptional work these last couple of days." You say, watching as she glows a little brighter. For just a small push to be more human, you made JJ act just a little happier.
"Its good to be noticed." She muses, causing you to grin.
"We don't normally, do we?" You say, knowing that you often, though the vow you made when she first started, ignore her presence and overlook the contributions she makes to the team.
"Its alright, that's not why I do it." She says. And that's when it hits you, JJ very well maybe your favorite member of this team. Probably because you notice something within her, she's pushing too. And when a pusher meets another pusher, its easy to hit it off.
When you find out the news about the attack, you push yourself to remain silent, though a true friend like Morgan convinces you to push for something else--push for your son. Push to be a parent first, and so you do. You make a phone call that, while absolute treason, calms your guilty conscience. Who cares if you were pushed into something you never intended? It was the right thing to do.
And when you walk into your house you finally realize, you are a very lucky man.
And you push yourself to believe that for one night, even if you no better, for one night your family is safe from the monsters.
Because they came so close, and you push yourself not to think about it.
Because even if its a lie, you want to believe that all of your pushing keeps your family safe from the monsters.
You push Emily to the grindstone, not knowing if you could ever trust her. You have no idea how she got in this unit, and if it were up to you, you would just push her out. But the paperwork was finalized and as she stood there having admitted more to you than you knew she meant to, you knew you owed her a chance. You push yourself to be the person who believes everyone deserves a chance. When she knows the Congress woman far better than you liked, you push her to tell you the truth.
Little do you find out after having her come into your office, Emily Prentiss is not the type to be pushed.
For the first time, you push yourself to not be yourself for just one day. Here in Chicago, you easily went to assail Morgan, not surprising due to how you don't trust anyone fully. But Morgan has earned more from you than that. He deserves more than your doubts. So for the first time, you decide that maybe being right isn't so important. All you needed in order to figure this out was a little push from someone with perspective.
And you admire Morgan for having the strength to tackle his demons.
You have to deal with the fact that you just see the worst, another one of those bad habits that keep popping up in your life, but you don't mind. With Elle, you were hurt more because you were surprised, you thought you knew everything and it turned out to all be a lie.
JJ's hurt and you can't stand it. All those dogs and the blonde...you shudder at the thought. But you know you can't feel like this because you aren't holding some paternal concern for the woman, its deeper than that. But you're happily married and you can't think like that, so you do a very different type of pushing as she walks out of the barn. A type of pushing that nearly kills you because its so cruel. You push her away. But the real question was, did you really push her away, or did she go running?
"Quick everyone, what's my worst quality." You say, not having time to push yourself. Reid's life is in danger and you have to do your best to save him.
No one speaks, though you see JJ's face itch slightly. You know she has something to say. Pushers are alike in one quality, they can pick out the faults in others as easily as themselves, but you see herself pushing to be nice, especially after everything she'd been through.
"Fine, I'll start, I have no sense of humor." You muse, causing JJ to jump at the chance.
"You're a bully." She informs quaintly, causing you to realize that she has noticed your distance today.
"I'm a bully." You agree, and to the rest of the team it looks like just a thoughtless mumbling, but JJ understands. This is an apology, and you see by her soft biting of the lip that she accepts it.
You move on to hear that you are also a drill Sergeant, a sexist, but at least you weren't a narcissist. When you hear the words "I knew you would understand", that is something that you don't want to push from your mind.
Turning a blind eye has never been anything you've done naturally, but you push yourself to hide your head in the sand. You know that Reid's an addict, yet you can't say anything. You reason that Reid is strong and will figure it out on his own, he just needs time. So for the first time, you push yourself to lie to the only person who has ever mattered, yourself.
But not even you can push an addict.
You push yourself to ignore it, JJ flirting with the lead detective in this case, and for the most part, you do. You aren't allowed to be hurt by the forays of your team members, especially when you are happily married. Its none of your business, so you look away.
You push to understand Evan Abbey, and the scary part is, you don't have to push very hard. You understand the overworked parent, you understand the dying father as you've seen both before, but the scary party is, you've seen them within yourself.
Which leads to another thing you push. When you walk up to that door, giving his young son the letter, you push yourself to remember that people are capable of good. That there are people willing to fight for the lives of others.
You push to have faith in people, more specifically, you push to have faith in JJ. After Elle, you don't believe you can trust in anyone. But if any member has proved themselves, it was JJ.
"Are you sure we're doing the right thing?" She asked softly, avoiding the eyes of the detective on board.
"As someone I greatly respect said, there could be up to 63 victims." You say, causing JJ to nod. Maybe faith in humanity wasn't so hard to come by after all. Because while there were always going to be people killing and murdering, there were the people trying to fight them.
JJ smiles worriedly, unable to push herself to the same conclusion. Maybe she wasn't as big of a pusher as you thought.
You push yourself to face the truth, the truth that you might just be getting thrust out of the FBI. Strauss has never made it a secret that she loathes you and you've never made an attempt to impress her. Its been a tough year for the BAU, between Elle and Reid, things haven't been ideal.
But you also push to see the bright side. With great change comes growth, and your team has grown astronomically.
But that doesn't quinch the fear within you. You love the job, and it would kill you to lose it.
You don't think, through all the pushing, there hasn't been time. It kills you to not answer the phone when it rings, hungering for the knowledge of the opportunity for indignant anger. But you stop and don't.
For once, all of your pushing isn't enough, because no matter how badly you want to know, it no where mirrors how badly you don't.
You have an aching feeling that you know what she's been up to. A feeling it's just a facade of happiness that you are home, and its more of small anguish that you are. Almost as if this is what Hailey thought she wanted, but the phone call changed that.
So, you push yourself to decide...to push or not to push, that is the question.
You'd like to say that by leaving the house you were pushing the envelope but really, it was the absence of pushing. You've been pushing yourself for two weeks to stay in that house, appeasing Hailey and you really couldn't do it anymore.
Strauss offered you a job, a nine to five, white collar, sit at a desk kind of job. And while you pushed and pushed yourself to want that, you couldn't. You couldn't push yourself to being miserable. You hoped Hailey would understand, though you sincerely doubted it. Hailey had never been the type to just get over things.
Here you are with the pushing again, your daily companion, though this time, you've decided to push the person you claimed unpushable. When she first saw you, you instantly knew her shock, it was within you as well. But she was loyal to you, something that you couldn't say if the shoe was on the other foot.
You know she's going to be a tough sell, but that's alright. If there is anything you do well, its push. "Come with me to Milwaukee"
"I'll make you a deal. If your ready bag isn't here, packed, I won't bug you any more. If it is I want you on that plane with me. One more case." You press, refraining from categorizing this as pushing.
"I don't have my gun or my badge." She relents, moaning slightly as you smile triumphantly. She hides the excitement, but you know the truth, she wanted this. Even though she may have wanted to hide, she wanted you to push her this time.
"Just hardware." You muse, glad to have Prentiss back on the team.
Now you've done it, you've lost it all. By pushing yourself so hard to hold on to your job, you pushed away the only thing that every mattered, your marriage. Suddenly your mind is flooded with the promises you made to be a better husband and father than your Dad was.
Sadly, now when you look in the mirror, you realize that you and he may not be so different after all.
Letting go, striking the name off of the list, moving on, cutting your losses, all things you want to do because of Gideon. You feel more contempt than you thought possible, wanting nothing more than to punish him for his weakness. He didn't just betray the team, Gideon betrayed his ideals. The hopes of never giving up, the power of persistence all faded with him. There's nothing left for you to remember about him.
So you do what you do best, you pushed him from your memory, wondering if he would ever deserve to come back.
"I need to know that you can do this job objectively." You say coldly to Emily after she tells you of her intention to act as a foster parent.
"And I need to know that I can be human." She counters, causing you to think twice about your thoughts on human weakness. And you get an insight into Emily Prentiss that you hadn't expected. That as much as she is good at compartmentalizing, she desperately wants to hide the callouses the BAU forces you to develop. And though she's trying to hide her detachment and distance, you realize that she doesn't have to try very hard. That being human does come naturally.
Tonight, you push yourself to remember that being human isn't always a bad thing. You could definitely aim to be a little more human.
David Rossi back to the BAU. You can hardly believe it. Ten years had been a long time, but you're glad to see your friend and mentor, until you've seen the changes within him. No, that's not right, Rossi hadn't changed, but you had. This team had changed, the FBI had, but Rossi, Rossi had stayed persistently the same. Confronting him after he plays by his own rules, that's when the ever present pushing came in. You didn't want to, but he couldn't go on alienating your team. You wouldn't allow that. You know that he's protecting the past, but you must secure the present.
You felt awful for shouting at JJ for leaking it to the press when it was Rossi. Sometimes you think you may be just a little harder on JJ because she's a fellow pusher. That maybe you expect more out of her. You'd push yourself to apologize, but that would get in the way of your careful avoidance of the woman. Though if you were being honest, that isn't the entirety of it. Between the relationship you suspect she's having, and the insinuations you thought Rossi was making, you're pushing yourself away from the woman, hoping that she couldn't hurt you. You've always been hyper-aware of her presence and...No, you don't allow yourself to go there. You cannot bear going there. And besides, according to the state of Virginia and your own conscience, you're still a married man; and you have no intention on changing that status no matter how badly Hailey wants it. If it could save your marriage, you plan on pushing like never before.
Garcia has been shot, and instead of befriending the eccentric woman, you must look at her with a critical eye. Its brutal, but it pushes you on its own, forcing you to come to the bottom of all of it. And that's when you realize, everyone has something to hide.
Irony of ironies, you keep pushing her to talk to you when you don't trust anyone. You know its hypocritical, but you can't help it. You just can't allow her to become as jaded as you have. JJ deserves more, she deserves a life of happiness. So even when she's not willing to speak up for herself, you'll do it for her. While being human might be considered a weakness, its the only way to be better than those you catch.
So that's the best Hailey can do, sic JJ on you after avoiding signing the papers? But you come to realize that its time to face the music. Your marriage is over, and its not going to come back. You try to talk yourself out if it, reasoning that Hailey would someday be glad that you held on, but once again, you can't lie to yourself, you never could.
So, you give yourself a few last minutes, soaking in the few final moments where you still had some claim to her before you say goodbye forever. No matter how hard you pushed, you couldn't save a marriage that she didn't want anymore, it was the final and only truth.
As you sign the papers, you hold your breath, hoping the gut wrenching pain subsides, however, it doesn't. Life as you knew it is over, and life beyond it...well, it had yet to begin.
"Will, what are you doing here?" JJ sighed as the team walked out of the lobby.
"I've come to talk to you, I think you should get out of the field." The southern man reasoned, though you try to ignore him. You ignore the incessant chatter between them until one word hits your disinterested ears. Pregnant.
You tune in just in time to hear Emily squeal in excitement, it ringing in your ears and causing you pain. Not the ringing, the announcement.
"I'm asking JJ to marry me." You hear him say, though you just nod, feigning disinterest. You make a meager attempt at congratulations before setting off, the joy being just a little too much for you.
"Hotch..." You hear her call, though you try to walk faster.
Then something within you, something entirely involuntary forces you to turn around and face her. "You could have told me." And though its not what you wanted to say, its enough for the moment. Sometimes the part of you that pushes just happens to be your best friend.
When you first saw Kate, she was a welcome distraction, a thought of how you could possibly move on. And now...Now she's lying on the pavement and you realize that while she was none of the things you had anticipated, she had become something else...a victim. But its too late, trying to stop the bleeding will never be enough but you push yourself to do it anyway, to not give up yet. And through your strength you realize that you can't win every battle, but sometimes it would be nice to win just one, because she's dead and your ear hurts and you can't seem to win.
Sometimes, it isn't just your team you push way too hard, its yourself. The moment the doctor okayed you for the field, you know that she only did it as a formality. You weren't supposed to be flying or shooting a gun or working your normal long hours, but you had to get back into the swing of things. You start to wonder when it came to this, when it became that all you had to live for was a couple of files and a scotch at night. Someday, just someday, you're going to have to push yourself to take a break, but that isn't right now. Because there is cases to solve and truths to hide from and right now that's all you have energy for.
You share a moment with Emily as Rossi brings her out of the rubble in Colorado. You've always known that she's a woman, and an attractive one at that, and you start to wonder if you could ever have anything more with her. Unfortunately, you know that's impossible. Even if Emily were interested, you would never care for her as much as you did Hailey, or even JJ, and that was a cruel reality. While you could dream, you couldn't push yourself out of love.
JJ's having the baby and you get the pleasure of driving her to the hospital. You try to not laugh at the irony of the situation. Here you were, drinking coffee with Emily and once again trying to force yourself to care for her more than just a coworker, when suddenly, JJ needs you. You respond the best you can, knowing deep down that you were breaking the first cardinal rule you had--never lie to yourself. But playing as though you and JJ were something wasn't so harmful, it was just a relapse of sorts. You'll deal with the truth later.
You smile as JJ introduces you to her new son, Henry. He looks just like her, and she and Will are thrilled at the new addition. You smile and nod, its all you can bear to do.
You push yourself to be the bigger person, that while it was too late for you, that you could wish for JJ to find a happy ending. And from the looks of it, she already had.
Maybe letting go this time wouldn't be so hard.
Who were you kidding? You are drowning and the only person who could save you is forever out of your reach.
Jordan Todd lied to a grieving family, you couldn't believe it. The honor code that had come to mean so much to you blatantly violated, it was hard. Emily confronts you, to which you listen because these days she understands you better than anyone. She says that no one can live up to your standards when viewed under a microscope.
"You did." You countered, causing her to blush. She looks lovely and you ache to feel something for her, but its empty. Hailey and JJ have what's left of your shattered heart and there's no room for anyone else.
You push yourself to give Jordan Todd another chance, though you don't think she deserves it. You thought that maybe you should be pushing for forgiveness in general but you don't like setting goals that you have no intention on living up to. You're far to content to be angry at some people to try to fix it now.
"Garcia, you're one of the few." You muse after she tells you that women don't like jerks. Please, you've met Hailey's new boyfriend. Will--, you don't let yourself go there. Will has done nothing to deserve your hatred, though he's received it all the same. Maybe forgiveness would be a good thing to push now.
And you hope that Garcia never falls for one of the jerks, because she's so full of life and energy that you couldn't bear to see her injured.
Because the world needs people like Penelope Garcia.
There are very few things that come naturally to you, and smiling has never been one of them. So when it happened without any pushing or prodding, it caught you off guard.
"You're smiling." JJ informed as the team fussed over her young son. You're glad to see her, having missed everything she meant to the team---meant to you--- as she's been gone. You know she has to live her life, but you wanted her back, if only on a professional level.
"Gas." You counter, throwing back to the bickering the team before. It does you good to know that your team can function as a family.
That does it, making her burst out in a small chuckle, the kind that makes your day. Maybe happiness doesn't need a push after all.
You've found something new to push yourself into--friendship. As you find yourself, Morgan, Reid and Rossi playing poker, you realize that the single life isn't so bad after all. While your team was mostly just for work, it was nice to see the nice, little make-shift family they formed.
Of course Reid wins, if only you could find a cure for card counting.
You're a whore, something you've never been called before but when put in context, you find yourself adhering to the description. You've been refraining from doing what you knew you needed to do because of who would be getting caught.
Its amazing the strange lack of morals FBI Brass can show, protecting embezzling adulterers because of the power they hold.
And so you do the only thing you can, you push your stance, not bowing down to the powers that be. You will not be manipulated.
And as you watch Megan's life slip away, you feel sad, because you felt more of a kinship to her than you would have thought.
It was your fault and you would always blame yourself for it. You shouldn't have let go so easily. Yes, Rossi has told you that you can't blame yourself, but you're finding that there isn't anyone else to blame.
Even as you find the killer, he gets away.
You push yourself to forget the past...no, you mustn't forget the past. Its the only way to secure a better future. Instead you push yourself to a vow, that you will never stop looking for Foyet.
Your hands are tied, you know that, but you can't let Emily down, not when she's been the only constant in your life. You worry about what has gone on with the coworker that you now think of as a friend. So, you push yourself to go big or go home, to consult the State department, to not let it slide. This is loyalty, and she was one of the first people to show it to you.
And you're determined to prove that you would be loyal to her.
Because as Rossi had shoved the words back in your face, this is a team.
And teams need loyalty.
As you see her fall apart, you're paralyzed. She's got the maternal instincts calling her to act, and you keep telling her she can't.
The hypocrisy of it all, telling JJ to not make the phone call that you've made yourself. You understand being the worried parent, how could you not? But you beg her to stay calm and do nothing.
Its in times like these you see yourself in JJ, that the two of you face similar challenges, because she's pusher too. She, like yourself, must push to be human. Its a fight that's hard but worth it.
You push yourself from making that connection, you couldn't bear it. Any hope that you had with her was then long and gone, and all you could do was be there for her as a friend.
And as much as you feel a slight burst of hope as she listens to you and keeps from calling her son, a part of you feels guilty. Because you did make the call to protect your son. And though she doesn't know it, the trust she has in you is like a two edged sword. It reminds you that you are in charge, that your opinion matters. But it also reminds you that you are cold and that your last slips of humanity are seeping through your fingers.
But then, as you talk to your son on the phone, she comes and waves good night, and you remember something else. JJ isn't just a pusher, she's also a human being.
After everything in Canada, you sit on the plane and contemplate if this was really it. If this was all life had to offer, pain and despair void of any chance of redemption. You feel the fight leaving you, as though maybe you can't be this resilient anymore, that you can't just deal with life as it happens.
You push yourself to have hope, because its the only thing left to do, and yet, deep down, you don't even know if could possibly work. Not with everything you've seen today.
"You should have made a deal." You hear a familiar voice say, the voice that you've been tracking like a hunter its prey.
You are sure you are going to die. You know it, so its the last choice you have, die with dignity or cowardice. And in that final moment, you push yourself to face him like a man.
You have a choice, die or live, a choice that you never thought you were going to have. As you hear the beeping of the heart monitor and the soft mutterings of the people around you, unconsciousness tells you that you always have a choice to go back. You think about it for a moment, wondering if you had anything left to live for, and you do.
You have Jack who still needs a Dad.
You have a team that needs to believe in happy endings.
You have pride that cannot be wounded by being killed by Foyet.
You have an enemy to find and punish.
You have some kind of hope to find.
No, there is no time for death. Saying goodbye to the temporary peace you found, you push yourself through the surface, allowing yourself to fight for your life.
As you open your eyes, you finally realize that you can't stop pushing. Not now, not ever.
Here you are, sitting on your couch, with nothing but day time TV to entertain you. Having always been an active human being, you're sure that you will eventually lose your mind. Your body is still weak, and can't take much energy exertion.
What that means to you: Two months without pushing.
Heaven help us all.
You've been back at work for a whole three days and you're already back to your old schedule. Its not like you can help it, you have to catch the bad guy every time. Foyet has been caught, but that isn't enough, because you weren't the one to catch him. Now, all you can do is to catch the ones like him.
So, you push yourself harder than ever before because you have pushing to make up for.
She's there and you see her, though you pretend not to. Whatever JJ is doing at this hour in the bullpen is her business, its none of yours. But it is, you reason, figuring that you are in fact her boss and if this has anything to do with a case, you have a right to know. Leaving your safe, hidden office, you see her in plain sight, and instantly you can see she's devastated.
Quickly, she jumps to her feet and gives some well rehearsed excuse about having to over see a case, but you know better. You know JJ like the back of your hand, she can't lie to you. You disregard all of her words and come closer, pushing yourself for once to do what you feel.
You know you can't kiss her, you know that, so you settle for a nice arm around the shoulder.
This isn't enough for JJ, who pulls you into a hug, a bone crushing, lung squeezing, bear hug that for once makes you feel alive. You hear her breathing quicken and her head lay on your secure shoulder.
You know she won't cry, JJ doesn't cry...usually, but you can feel the hurt within her all the same. And then, as clear as you hear your son's voice on those joyous occasions where you two are together, you hear her whisper something, more likely to herself than to you.
"Why couldn't he have been like you?"
And you have an answer, not a perfect one but an honest one. You refrain from saying it though your mind screams it. "Because he isn't like us. Will isn't a pusher and you are."
But that is just going to have to wait, because you are currently accessing your human side and have no urge to ruin it with some didactic remark.
Sometimes you think he doesn't even know you, your own son. You know that its probably your fault, but its a hard fix. Its a secret, but deep down, you do realize that you have an inflated sense of importance. You know that the unit won't kill over with out you. You know that if the world is falling, you aren't going to be able to fix it. You know that with or without you, the BAU will do what it does best. No, its more that you need it. You need to feel like the world will fail without you, and that's why you have the BAU; that's why when Hailey tried to get you to leave, you couldn't. That's why you were willing to sacrifice everything for this job, because you don't just love it, you need it.
But he's your son, and you don't want to be your dad. You cannot be your father. So, you pick up the phone and call, asking if he wants to go to the batting cages to practice baseball, his newest obsession. You have to push your son up on the priority list. You can't be a part time parent anymore. You won't allow yourself to be one anymore.
You and JJ have been seeing quite a bit of each other lately. Not like dating--no, dating would imply that she had some idea how you felt about her. JJ spends time with you because she thinks its safe, thinks that you can't possibly hurt her and want nothing from her. You have to admit, while JJ is one of your fellow pushers, she must not be a profiler. Everyone has a fair idea that you're crazy about her; that is, everyone besides her.
Her hand lies limply on the couch as she continues to watch "The Godfather", you however, are completely distracted. It takes a small push, this isn't done by you but by the butterflies in your stomach, but you take her hand in yours, holding it tightly. You see as she smiles slightly, intertwining her fingers with yours.
"Go talk to her." Garcia commands to Reid, who sits there like a lump on a log.
"We'll figure it out." He mutters, having just told Garcia that he and Austin had gotten into a fight.
"Fix it." She says, nudging him out of the chair at the restaurant. You can't help but laugh, maybe you pushers aren't so far and few between after all. Maybe the BAU is full of them. "Just give her a call."
No, Garcia isn't a pusher, she's a force. She's not going to let the woman Reid loves get through the cracks. Not a chance. Not after all the times she's been looking for someone for Reid that makes him happy. The kid's almost addicted to his girlfriend, and you think it's kind of sweet. In a manly way of course. But Garcia isn't going to let this slide--all of that seeking isn't going to waste if Garacia has anything to say about it.
"Come on. Come on." You chant, cheering on your team. No, not that team, your sports team, the ever fantastic Carolina Panthers. You're heart could not bear another Patriots victory. You try to keep your breathing even.
You tend to feel very passionately about the things you take the time to care about, and football is one of them.
You can't help but scream as the Receiver makes it to the end zone and scores a touch down. You know you had nothing to do with it, but you can't help but feel as though you're the reason they were winning. All they seemed to need was a push from a fan.
Now only if they could score the field goal...
The team has decided to go swimming and you find yourself enjoying it. You laugh as Morgan stands on the concrete surrounding the pool, his usual air surrounding him. He says something about pretty little things always looking good in swimsuits, some form of a come-on to JJ, Emily, and Garcia.
Garcia just laughs in response, naturally.
Emily glares at him, rolling her eyes caustically.
JJ, JJ is a pusher, and now you're finding that she's not just a pusher in a meta-physical way--no, JJ is a pusher because JJ pushes Morgan right into the pool.
You knew you liked her for a reason.
"Sir, while I appreciate your dedication to this job..." Emily begins, slightly agitated. You can see that she wants to hit you but is trying very hard to refrain from it. "You cannot steal my files from my desk to see how far I am on them. That's a little passive aggressive."
You nod sheepishly, trying to stop yourself from telling her that she needs to file a different form when sending the file to Social Work than the one she started. You want to but you won't.
You aren't going to push the issue.
Finally, you've reached it, the point where its do or die with JJ. Either you get her now or you never will, its as simple as that. You can't be content being the man she spends time with while others try to woo her. You can't stand to see all of those detectives hit on her and her having no reason to turn them down.
You just can't do it anymore, so as the pair of you walk to the SUV, you turn to her and look down, staring intensively. You hear her breathing hitch, as though she knows what's about to happen, and you aren't pushed--no, pushing would have given you some control in the situation, but you had absolutely none- you're impelled forward, kissing her warmly, soaking up every inch of her.
As you break apart, you instantly know that this was insanely inappropriate, but you don't mind much. You've been living your life for this job for years, it was time that you were selfish...just this once.
"I don't know if I can push him any harder." You rant to JJ as your and her son enjoy the park around them. Henry is far too young to really be at the park stage of life, but sitting on JJ's lap, he's content to watch the people around him. Jack however, has taken the initiative to climb the monkey bars, making you so proud, if only Sean would take the initiative in his own life. "Its like he's content to get no where in life."
She smiled softly, and then you soften as well. Softness met with softness, that seemed to be the trend in your and JJ's relationship. "Aaron, sometimes you can't push, you have to just let things happen."
Then she kisses you lightly, keeping you grounded and in the moment. You can't help but think to yourself. "What is a life without pushing?"
One more mile. Exercise has become an escape for you, an escape you need. You push yourself to run further, harder and faster than before. One more mile.
Life with a fellow pusher isn't always so easy.
"Just call her." JJ commands, not being able to understand that me and Hailey are never going to be on the best terms. "I'm sure she'll agree to letting you take Jack on vacation."
"Its not that simple." You counter, wondering how on earth she couldn't understand.
"And its not that complicated either." She retorts.
"Are you seriously pushing me?" You tease, finally conceding. Maybe a little peace with Hailey would do you good.
"Not push, its more of a nudge." She smiles, causing you to grin in return.
But your mind is filled with one question: Push, nudge, what's the difference?
"Want your fortune cookie?" You ask, handing her one no matter the response. She smiles sweetly at you, taking it from your waiting palm. You have to be quick. Garcia found out your intentions for tonight and if you don't do it soon, JJ will find out through her.
She breaks it open, as her eyes widen with shock as she lifts a diamond ring to your view. "What?" She manages to stutter, but you are already on your knees, facing her with determination.
"Jennifer Marie Jareau." You start off, trying to know your shaking hands. "Everything ever worth anything in my life hasn't been easy. I don't naturally do things that make me happy, I...I have to push myself. And that's what this entire relationship has been, me pushing myself."
She nodded, her face still confused at where I was going with this.
"But I only pushed it because I wanted it so badly I wasn't willing to let it go. I can't stop pushing and I think that's a good philosophy for me because it lead me to you." You say, watching as tears begin to swell in her blue eyes. "Will you do me the honor of marrying me?"
She nods. "Yes." She chokes out as she jumps to her feet. "YES!!!" She wraps her arms tightly around you, allowing you to smell her familiar scent. None of this would have been possible without that little habit you have of having to push.
"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still."
-Lao Tzu
AN/So, let me know what you think! And don't forget the poll :)