Title: A Healing of the Heart
Author: Mirage Shinkiro
Rating: M
Warnings: mech/mech plug 'n' play and spark bonding, a.k.a. intimacy between androgynous and nonsexually reproducing but male-"pronoun'd" 'bots. Extra warning: this fic references past sexual trauma. If you are sensitive to such material, do not read.
Pairings, major: Hound/Mirage
Parings, minor/forming: Optimus/Elita, Ratchet/Sideswipe, Wheeljack/Bluestreak
Disclaimer: Transformers is the property of Hasbro, and although I wish I could make money off the TF franchise so I could be independently wealthy, I am not. Alas, I remain poor and am just borrowing the lovely robots.
Summary: G1. When Hound accidentally forges a spark bond with Mirage in order to save the spy's life, he and Mirage find themselves facing a range of complex issues they would have never imagined. When love alone isn't enough, how can one find healing? Very mature exploration of sexual abuse and its potential lasting impacts.
A/N, explanation: I can never seem to write a normal, straightforward, 'first love' story, which I find most amusing. "Magic and Loss" is the only one I've written to date, and I sat on that story for months, adding and deleting scenes, until I was finally ready to post it. Still, this idea hit me, and I ran with it.
This story is in the same continuity as "Magic and Loss" and "Sound and Fury," which are set in season 2 and are slowly veering off AU.
A/N, story notes: :: :: will indicate comm. link or inter-bond talking.
A/N, units of time (source, TFwiki): nanoklik=1 second; klik=1.2minutes; breem=8.3 minutes; joor=roughly an hour;orn=a day; and vorn=83 years.
oOoOo
"All healing is first a healing of the heart."
- Carl Townsend
Chapter 1: An Unthinkable Accident
In Ratchet's office, Hound sat across from the fuming CMO and looked anywhere but at the mech who he assumed would dress him down. He gaze flitted from the stacked datapads on the desk to his lap, where he'd clasped his hands. In his nervousness, he found himself rubbing his thumbs together. Although he knew he couldn't, Hound wanted to defend himself. After all, his spark bond with Mirage had been a total accident.
The mission had been routine, or rather it was supposed to have been. Optimus Prime had carefully picked the team members: one scout, one spy, and two warriors. The only thing Optimus hadn't been able to spare was a medic, thanks to the numerous casualties from a recent 'Con-induced catastrophe at Edwards Air Force base. As a result, Hound, who was the team leader, had been the only mech with first aid training.
Thus the mistake.
Hound and his team had been checking on suspicious activity at the Washington state/Canadian border when the Decepticons had revealed themselves and struck. Sideswipe and Brawn enthusiastically joined the fight against the Coneheads, Soundwave, and his cassettes, while Mirage disappeared to sneak in from behind. Hound was radioing Autobot Headquarters for backup when Mirage was hit. Fortunately, Skyfire and Powerglide were returning from a mission at the Arctic and rushed to help, so Hound focused on saving Mirage while everyone else fought.
"Stay with me," Hound had told his best friend, his secret love. He was covered in spilt energon up to his elbows, and Mirage was still bleeding out.
Mirage had given him a faint smile. "I don't think . . . that field surgery . . . will save me," he said before falling into stasis lock.
Desperate, Hound had given him both an energon transfusion and a spark energy transfusion—from himself.
Now Hound sat in Ratchet's office under the glare of a very displeased CMO. The hum of the overhead lights and computer terminals filled the room, and Hound fought off the urge to squirm under the silent scrutiny of those intense blue optics.
"You're a fool," Ratchet said bluntly.
Hound squeezed the chair arms. "I know! I know I shouldn't have done it." Guilt and vindication warred within him. "I nearly drained myself dry, and I created an accidental spark bond. But Mirage is one of my closest friends, and I couldn't stand there and let him die!" He conveniently left out the part about how he was also in love with his best friend.
Ratchet raised one optic ridge, a frown marring his pale grey face. "I slaggin' well know that. I don't let patients go easily whether they're my friends or not. But a spark bond? This is not like the accidental spark bond Optimus created with Elita when he saved her life. They were already in love and committed to each other. In your case, this could backfire on you severely." Ratchet glanced out the one-way window of his office, which afforded him a view of the medbay. Mirage was in forced stasis lock on a repair berth.
"I know," Hound whispered, chastised.
"Do you?" Ratchet looked back at him. "If Mirage rejects the bond, it will cause you both agony. You more so because you initiated the bond, and therefore your firewalls are gone. Since he was badly injured when you did it, Mirage's firewalls were down, but they're not gone. He can raise them and choke the bond." Ratchet sighed and crossed his arms over his boxy chest. "He can't break it, of course. Nothing can, except death. But he can fight it until it's nearly shut down and all you get are occasional bursts of anger or resentment."
Hound dropped his gaze to his knees, caught somewhere between panic and depression. "Resentment because now he can never be bonded to another."
"Not unless you die, and that assumes the backlash won't kill him in the process."
Leaning forward, Hound dropped his face into his hands and shuddered. "I just didn't want him to die."
"Let's hope Mirage is that grateful to live, then." Ratchet stood and walked around his desk, then patted Hound on the shoulder. "I understand why you did it." His tone grew kinder. "When I was younger, I would have made the same mistake. But you didn't have Mirage's permission to do this, so you have to be prepared for the possibility that he may resent you."
Hound nodded, not removing his hands from his face. Life with Mirage hating him? They had taken missions, shared patrols, and spent off-hours together for five vorns before crashing on Earth. Once Mirage had decided to befriend the grunts he found himself fighting beside, he and Hound had become nearly inseparable. However, Hound had never had the courage to ask if Mirage felt more for him than friendship.
"It's time to bring him around," Ratchet said. "Let's go."
Gathering his nerve, Hound stood and followed Ratchet into the medbay proper. Four patients were in stasis lock: Mirage, plus Cliffjumper, Windcharger, and Trailbreaker, all of whom had been severely injured in the Edwards Air Force base attack. For Hound, this was an odd type of relief, since it meant no one except Ratchet would be conscious to see him be jilted.
"Here we go," Ratchet said, opening an access panel on Mirage's neck. He pushed a button, and immediately the whirl of rebooting systems filled the air.
"Primus," Hound whispered, terrified.
After a klik, Mirage's optics powered on, and his gaze fell on Ratchet. "W-where? Oh, dear. Medbay. How badly am I damaged?"
"You're good to go, actually." Ratchet helped him sit up. "Your systems will be slow for another joor, so you may feel groggy. But I have you all fixed up."
Mirage turned his head toward Hound, a look of consternation blooming across his face as he frowned. "Hound? Why are you so scared?" A full twenty astroseconds passed while Mirage seemed to process something. "Wait. Why can I feel your fear?"
Hound thought he might fall into emergency stasis lock from his dread. "M-mirage . . ." He gathered himself. "I had to do something drastic to save your life. I-I just didn't want you to die, so please try to forgive me." He could feel Mirage's confusion through their tentative bond, then his growing concern.
"What did you have to do?" Mirage's cultured voice dropped a half-octave, his optics narrowing in suspicion.
Preparing himself for the rejection, Hound drew a deep draught of air through his intakes. "I had to give you some of my spark energy."
"Spark energy?" Mirage tilted his head, sounding completely befuddled. "Isn't that dangerous for you instead? Why should it affect me?"
Ratchet squeezed Mirage's shoulder, catching his attention as well as offering comfort. "Hound gave you a significant amount of energy. So much, in fact, that it caused an accidental Bond."
Dead silence. Mirage stared at Ratchet, clearly speechless, and Hound could feel his shock. The buzz of the overhead lights seemed deafening.
"Oh," Mirage finally replied. After a klik, he visibly relaxed, his shoulders slumping faintly. "Well, if that were going to happen, at least it was with my closest friend." He gave Hound a small smile. "I suppose this will be awkward at first, but I'm sure we can figure it out."
Feeling Mirage's acceptance, Hound was swamped with such extreme relief that he sank to his knees, his legs no longer able to support his weight. "Yeah," he said, his voice raspy with unexpressed emotion. "We'll figure it out."
Ratchet nodded. "Good. I'm taking you both off the duty roster for the next three orns. You need to acclimate to the sensations the Bond will give you. I'll also report this to Optimus."
Taking the cue, Mirage climbed off the berth and offered Hound his hand. "Let's go to my quarters, then, since I don't have a roommate."
Hound nodded and took his hand, letting Mirage help him to his feet and lead him from medbay. Can he really accept this so easily? Hound wondered. He's almost nonchalant. I don't understand.
A new feeling of uneasiness filled Hound's spark. He couldn't imagine how anyone could adjust to such a monumental change so effortlessly.
oOoOo
Mirage traversed the Ark's hallways, holding Hound's hand tightly as his processor ran at twice its normal speed. I'm bonded? How my creators would laugh if they still lived! To Hound? Well, he is the sweetest, kindest, and most intuitive 'bot I know, and I've always wondered what it'd be like to kiss him. Will this work? I guess we have to make it work. There's no going back. At least I get to skip all those ridiculous, confusing dating games. And Hound has rarified sensibilities and tastes when it comes to art . . .
Mirage's thoughts trailed off when they reached his quarters. In the back of his mind, he could feel anxiety that was not his own. Hound was unsettled and scared. Well, it was awkward, so Mirage wasn't surprised. He shoved aside the strange sensation and entered his security code, unlocking his door. "Do come in," he said, proper decorum escaping his mouth without thought, and pulled Hound inside.
Stopping abruptly as the door cycled shut, Hound looked at him with clear worry, his optic ridge furrowed. "I'm so sorry. You were dying, we were under attack, and I was running out of field supplies, so I just—"
Mirage released his hand and put one finger over Hound's lips. "I understand, I promise. The question is whether this is going to work or not. We might as well determine that right away."
"How?" Hound was clearly baffled.
"Like this." Mirage stepped forward, leaning into Hound and bringing their lips together. Although he wasn't the kind to challenge the status quo in what few real friendships he had, he'd always imagined that kissing Hound would be arousing.
He wasn't disappointed.
After a moment's hesitation, Hound returned the kiss, meeting pressure for pressure, and when Mirage passed his glossa over his lips, Hound parted them immediately, letting Mirage dip into his mouth and rub their glossae together. Moaning into the kiss, Hound wrapped both arms around Mirage, one about his waist and the other his back, pulling him close. Mirage sighed in relief, having forgotten how good kissing could feel, and wrapped both arms around Hound's neck, effectively capturing him. He could feel the passion building in Hound, and to his surprise, he felt a separate but equally powerful desire surge through his own circuits. When Hound took control of the kiss, sliding his glossa into Mirage's mouth instead, Mirage moaned deeply and pressed harder against Hound's chassis.
Realizing they'd best stop before things got out of control, Mirage broke away and gasped. "I-I see." He met Hound's gaze, noting his optics were nearly indigo with desire. "I think this is workable."
"You say that so factually!" Hound laughed, his remaining tension apparently dissipated by his amusement.
Mirage shrugged. "We were either attracted to each other or not. It's really rather straightforward."
Shaking his head, Hound smiled. "You sound almost like you're piecing together some plan for espionage."
"I think you are the one who slipped in on me." Mirage smiled in return. "You did remarkably well at hiding your feelings, although I admit on occasion I did wonder."
Hound gave him a shy smile. "I didn't want to hurt our friendship, and I didn't think you'd look at me that way."
"Then I think you're not aware of your charms." Mirage took his hand again and led him over to the couch, where they sat side-by-side. When Hound seemed nervous once more, Mirage curled up against him and was rewarded with a warm embrace.
"I admit I was terrified," Hound whispered. "It wasn't like I had your permission to do that."
Mirage shrugged. "In a way, this is relief. My creators never understood why I rarely dated, but for the longest time I was too focused on my education to even consider it." He paused, something tugging on his processor, almost as though he were leaving something out. Confused, he shrugged it away. "Then, when I did begin dating, I found myself surrounded by flirting games I never really understood. It seemed foolishly complicated and idiosyncratic." He paused, remembering the endless boring parties with small talk, fake laughter, and fancy-shaped energon goodies. "I liked going to museums or art galleries with my friends, and as you well know, I loved active things like turbofox hunting. But the parties and socializing got old quickly. It was basically just an exercise in vicious gossip and a spark-bond market."
"Sounds terribly formulaic and restrictive." Hound chuckled and began rubbing Mirage's back in slow strokes.
"It was. My creators were constantly shoving femmes and mechs at me, or trying to shove me at them: 'He's from the most prestigious family among us, so you should give him careful consideration,' or 'She's the sole heiress of her family, so you couldn't find a better match.'" Mirage snorted, sickened by the memories. "Primus! It was disgusting. I may not be a romantic, but I know one thing for sure: you have to have something in common with your mate. You have to enjoy each other's company, share interests, and respect each other. Most of those fools didn't have a single real thought in their processors! Oh, sure, they could regurgitate critiques of the latest collection at the art gallery or engage in superficial conversation about politics or philosophy. But I could tell they were shallow, dull, and boring."
"And I'm not?" Hound grinned at him.
"Far from it." Mirage leaned in, kissing him briefly. "You actually have a fine appreciation for art. And even though I don't share your love of organic worlds, at least you're impassioned by it. You connect with it deeply, just like you support the Autobot cause deeply." He smirked, stung by his recent run-in with Cliffjumper. "Although a few among us may begin to wonder if you're a traitor now that you've bonded with me."
"Ridiculous." Hound hugged him closer. "Your desire to return to Cybertron comes directly from your wealth of knowledge on her history and culture. You love our homeworld, and that's the whole reason you despised the 'Cons enough to join us despite hating fighting. The 'Cons were and are destroying what you value most."
Mirage rested his head on Hound's shoulder and smiled. "You see? This is why I said if I were going to end up bonded to someone, I'm glad it was you. You understand me, and you don't play silly social games."
Hound reached out with one finger and caressed his face, tracing his cheek seam. "I'm glad you feel that way. I wouldn't have been able to stand it if you'd resented me for this."
"Never." Mirage smiled up at his impromptu bondmate, feeling like he'd cleared a major life hurdle to be spark-bonded to someone so fitting.
oOoOo
Hound glanced around the rec room, amused and complimented that his friends had insisted on throwing a reception for his spark bonding with Mirage. Mirage stood at his side, holding his hand and looking at the banner, streamers, and energon.
"This is an odd reception," Mirage whispered.
"Apparently this is an Earth-style one," Hound replied, squeezing his hand. Hand-holding was the only form of public affection Mirage engaged in, but given his own physically affectionate tendencies, Hound was glad to even get that much. As for their private time, they'd spent the entire three orns of their 'vacation' adjusting to the bond but hadn't tried interfacing yet. Hound was glad they were going slow and giving themselves time to adjust, but he felt an excitement-twinged nervousness at the thought of finally making love to Mirage.
Carly stood in the far corner with Spike and Sparkplug, both of whom looked traumatized. Hound knew Ratchet had tried to explain the way Cybertronian Bonds worked, as well as sparklings since Bluestreak was carrying. The two males still seemed shell-shocked by the discovery that their robotic friends weren't like humans. Carly, though, had adjusted better and was blowing up multi-colored helium balloons and releasing them to float around the ceiling.
"We may be having more of these parties soon," Mirage said, nodding to the corner opposite the humans, where Bluestreak was flirting with Wheeljack and Sideswipe was hanging on every word Ratchet said.
Hound chuckled. "I suspect you're right."
Optimus Prime walked to the center of the floor and motioned for silence. "Despite beginning with unusual circumstances, a new spark bond has been formed among us—one that will not and cannot be broken. Hound and Mirage have united together and will remain together till all are one!"
"Till all are one!" the crowd echoed, cheering and clapping.
Optimus turned to face Hound and Mirage. "Congratulations, you two. Please receive our blessings. We wish you a bright future."
"Thank you," Hound answered for them both, smiling at his friends and compatriots. "And we also thank you for the party."
"No problem, man," Jazz replied.
Blaster stepped forward. "In fact, let's get this thing started!" He triggered the music, and everyone whooped before helping themselves to mid- or high-grade energon.
"Any excuse for a party," Mirage whispered.
Hound could feel his amusement through their bond. "Of course!"
Mirage laughed and pulled Hound into the middle of the room, where other couples or friends were dancing. Hound embraced him, holding him closely as they swayed to the music.
"It's truly not strange anymore," Mirage said, smiling at him.
"What isn't?"
"Being able to access your feelings." Mirage wrapped his arms around his neck. "I can feel your happiness, and not only does it make me happy, it reminds me I'm not alone."
Hound sneaked a quick kiss. "Same with me. I feel more in harmony with the universe than ever."
"Hopeless romantic." Mirage returned the kiss.
"Is that a complaint?"
"No." Mirage rested his head on his shoulder and relaxed into his arms as they danced. Hound tightened his embrace, loving the feel of Mirage's warm body in his arms, and he imagined how wonderful it would be to awaken each orn with Mirage at his side. He also began to imagine what it would feel like to run his hands over Mirage's chassis and bring him pleasure.
Apparently intercepting the direction of Hound's thoughts, Mirage straightened and gave him a quirky grin. "Something tells me we won't be staying for the entire party."
Hound laughed, but Mirage's prediction proved true. They only lasted another joor before slipping away and heading back to their quarters. As soon as they locked the door, they shared a long kiss, then Mirage pulled away, sauntering toward the berth and showing off his elegant, long-legged frame.
"So, what do you want to do?" Mirage asked, turning and giving Hound a teasing smile. "What kind of dirty fantasies have you had running through your processor?"
Hound grinned. He had imagined plenty of things about Mirage, but he wasn't sure he'd call any of them 'dirty.' A few of them were kinky, perhaps, but not dirty. "Well . . ." He paused, mostly just wanting to run his hands over Mirage's graceful body, mapping out his sensitive spots and making him moan.
"Do you want to truss me up?" Mirage whipped a pair of magnetic handcuffs from his subspace. "Make me beg? Or maybe punish me?"
Hound stared at him, taken aback. "Er, that's okay. I, uh, was in the mood for something a bit more basic the first time." I never imagined he would be into all that!
Mirage looked bemused, and Hound tapped their tentative bond to double-check. Sure enough, Mirage was confused. "If you like. But you can't shock me with your fantasies, I promise." His smile returned.
Disturbed, Hound shook his head, wondering if maybe they were moving too fast after all. "No, really. Basic is good." He could feel the pulse of desire and anticipation from Mirage and responded to it willingly. His voice dropped, becoming husky. "Really, I just want to pleasure you."
With a shiver, Mirage tossed aside the magnacuffs, glided over to him, and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. "I can go for that."
Feeling relieved and back on familiar ground, Hound wrapped his arms around Mirage's waist, pulling him close. "Good." He captured Mirage in another kiss, slipping his glossa into his mouth.
Mirage moaned faintly and tugged on Hound, moving them back toward the berth. When they were close enough, Hound toppled them over, settling between Mirage's legs. Mirage immediately wrapped his legs around his waist, pressing them together as they resumed kissing and running his hands over Hound's back, triggering sensory nodes.
With a faint shudder, Hound broke their kiss. "You're as sneaky as those turbofoxes you used to hunt."
Mirage laughed, an utterly beautiful sound, only to gasp as Hound kissed down his neck, then licked up one cable.
Baring his neck further, Mirage moaned. "Bite me."
Hound nipped the cable, then ran his glossa up the length of it again, mesmerized by the mech under him. Mirage arched against him, moaning louder.
"Harder," Mirage growled.
Slightly uncomfortable but willing to comply, Hound bit the cable, careful not to puncture it. Mirage yelled out, bucking against him.
"Harder!" Mirage gripped his shoulders almost desperately.
Uneasy with the request, Hound bit as hard as he dared. Mirage cried out in pleasure, squeezing his shoulders. Not wanting to bite again, Hound continued down his body, running his hands over graceful curves, kissing his chassis, and dipping his fingers into the sensitive transformation seams in Mirage's hips, teasing the wiring there.
"Hound!" Mirage writhed under him. "Skip the teasing. I need you!"
Although disappointed, Hound moved back up Mirage's chassis. "But the teasing's the best part," he whispered, his tone more sultry than he intended.
Mirage shivered. "I know," he said, wrapping his arms around Hound's neck, "but right now I just want you to take me. Hard."
Puzzled but also wanting to please, Hound triggered open the interface chamber in his abdomen. "In that case, expect payback tomorrow."
"I look forward to it." Mirage grinned and triggered open his abdominal interface chamber, also.
When Mirage didn't make any further move, Hound eased out their interface cables and plugged them into each other, making them both groan in pleasure as the energy raced between them.
"Hound!" Mirage arched under him, rubbing their chassis together.
Unable to hold back any longer, Hound released a surge of electricity through their connection, flushing their circuits with heat. At the same time, their systems synchronized, allowing Hound to feel Mirage's raw need and passion. The energy surged between them in a feedback loop, making them cry out.
"Mirage," Hound moaned into his audio, overwhelmed by the sensation of finally being connected to the one he loved.
Shivering again, Mirage ran his hands down his back. "More!"
Happy to comply, Hound sent a deep burn of energy to Mirage and yelled as it was fed back to him, increasing his pleasure until static flitted through his processor. But under the current of their passion, Hound could feel Mirage reaching for something more, as though he were just shy of overloading but couldn't topple over the edge.
"What do you need?" Hound asked, his tone raspy with desire.
"Hit me."
"What?" Hound's shock took the edge off his desire. "I'm not going to hit you!"
Mirage clawed his shoulders in desperate need. "Please, Hound. I can't overload without it!"
Hound had never heard of such a thing. "You can't overload without pain?"
Nodding, Mirage gasped. "Please, Hound." His optics flickered offline. "Please. I need it."
Unsure what to do and feeling nauseated, Hound hesitated. There's no way I can bring myself to hit him, but — but he's getting ready to lose his overload! I don't want to fail him. Frantic for another alternative, Hound pushed his fingers into Mirage's hip joints and brutally pinched the sensitive wires there.
With a scream that sounded like half-pleasure, half-pain, Mirage overloaded instantly, his entire back arching off the berth. He gasped ruggedly, then screamed a second time, this time clearly in pleasure as faint surges of electricity danced along his joints. Then he collapsed on the berth, smiling and panting through his intakes.
Hound's horror had jerked his systems out of synch, however, and he didn't overload. He simply held Mirage and listened as both their cooling fans kicked on.
Mirage seemed too dazed to notice the problem. "That was . . . wonderful." He kissed Hound before offlining, the smile still on his face.
Hound stared down at his bondmate, feeling ill. Something is terribly wrong here, he thought. I know some 'bots can get feisty, but this counts as abuse! And it's especially odd for someone who has made it all too evident that he hates to fight. For a moment, Hound thought he might purge his tanks. He lowered his head, resting it against Mirage's chassis and listening to the purr of his recharging systems. "I have to get this figured out," he whispered to the unconscious mech. "I can't live my life hurting you."