No Regrets
Chapter 1: Sunrise
Pairing: Eren x Levi
[Author's Note: I haven't written a fanfiction in a very long fucking time, so I apologize for being a bit rusty. This first chapter is going to have a specific reference that I'm really eager to see who catches it :D. This is an idea I've been hashing out in my head for awhile now.]
I laid on top the plush down comforter of my deafeningly quiet Hampton Inn suite bed, staring at the ceiling. The pattern was ridges of black and white. 'It's not dirty, it's just ugly', I repeated in my mind like a mantra. It looked like specks of dirt ingrained, or salt and pepper. My ears still rang from base. My body felt like lead, and soreness was beginning to sink into all of my muscles. 'Every ouch of energy, I try to give away'. Shitty glasses insisted I join her at the after-party to rub elbows and meet lingering fans, but I was in no mood. She could take care of all of the socializing tonight. All I wanted was to try to catch a few rare hours of rest. Yet here I was, staring at my fucking ceiling, telling myself that it was not filthy.
I hated hotels. They were always filthy. Light switches, doorknobs, toilet handles, clocks, lamps, faucet handles, and the TV remote were always disgusting, so I cleaned them all thoroughly with clorox wipes. I also brought my own bedding and towels, and wore slippers in the room. Regardless of the reviews I always checked before we booked a room, they were never up to my standards.
So I began insisting we make a special request that the rooms be thoroughlycleaned before our visit. I would then conduct an inspection. One was so far below my standards that I let the hotel manager know it looked like someone had puked on the walls, and demanded a refund. We stayed in another hotel that was better, but I still cleaned it myself before I could rest. I still preferred a hotel room over sleeping in a cramped tour bus, but only slightly. The tour bus had always been kept spotless.
I rolled over, changing my focus to the glass sliding door leading to the balcony, staring at the windex blue light of the moon illuminating plain brown carpet. I felt suddenly restless. I willed my drained limbs to move. I managed to roll over onto my side, then pushed myself up with wobbly arms. I slid off of the bed, then walked over to the balcony. Carefully sliding open the door, I stepped out into chilly autumn air. Peering down, the streets were nearly abandoned, and a light fog settled over the city. It created the kind of eerie atmosphere you would expect to see in a Tim Burden film. I sighed, then fished a Camel Turkish Royal out of my jeans pocket and put it between my lips. Lighting it, I took a long drag. Leaning on the railing, my thoughts began to stray. They liked to go out on a little stroll when I was alone, and quickly I'd become lost in them.
Taking a little walk actually sounded nice right now, regardless of my exhaustion. Sleep wasn't going to happen anytime soon, so trying to go to bed now would only result in me continuing to stare at the ugly ceiling with only my thoughts to entertain me for hours. I finished off my cigarette and stepped back inside, flicking it into the trash bin by the door of my room.
I then fetched my favorite coat from the closet. It trailed down slightly above my knees, flaring a bit at the bottom. In the back it was corseted, lacing at the top, the front was double breasted, with a belt that fastened around my waist. It was perfect for the weather, just thick enough to keep the night's chill out, as well as fashionable. I also grabbed some oversized sunglasses for the sake of anonymity. The last thing I needed is some over zealous fan flipping their shit over me, when all I wanted tonight was quiet.
I slipped out of the hotel, and into the streets. My thoughts grew louder. I was beginning to feel uninspired. Singing was my passion. It had been a childhood dream, and when I started out, my life of doing gigs with the band and traveling first the country, then the world, was exactly what I had always craved. The money, the fame, the parties, the easy lays were all things I reveled in. Then I found out it all came with a heavy price. Things crowds were too loud. The lights were too hot. My energy depleted.
I stopped in the middle of a song during a show to stare out at the audience, my throat parched and closing up. I dropped the mic, a loud thud echoing over the auditorium, then my knees went out. Shitty glasses was so alarmed that she ran from her drum set to my side, shaking my shoulders. 'What the fuck Levi? Are you okay? What happened?' For a moment, I couldn't find my voice to speak. I shook it off. I told myself that the show must go on. I have to give these fuckers what they paid for. I regained my composure, and quietly apologized to everyone with dead eyes. The flames of my passion were beginning to fizzle. I needed to find some purpose again. I needed to really evaluate why the fuck I was doing this anymore. It had become a routine. A bad habit I couldn't kick.
I found myself walking down the grey concrete sidewalk, leading into a park. I looked to the sky. I could barely see the stars, faded by the lights and smog of this disgusting city, and obscured by fog. They were like me. Faded. The streetlights were illuminating the night, erasing what solace I sought. I was sick and fucking tired of cities. I wanted a night sky bright with stars. I wanted peace. I wondered if I should retire, or take a hiatus. Something in me felt like I couldn't escape the life I had created however. I was trapped in the undertow, pulling me under. I was sinking into darkness. I reached out desperately as I lost sight of the surface, and it consumed me. It felt like drowning. I slowly began to study my surroundings, seeking any distraction.
There were a small grove of trees in the center of the park, and metal benches placed sparingly along the trail. They were cold and uninviting, so I trudged on. No rest for the wicked. I suddenly spotted someone else along my path. It was a young man, pacing, notepaper and pen in hand. He lingered underneath a streetlight. The light reflected off of his messy brunette tresses, and regardless of his rough appearance, made him look somewhat angelic.
He wore a tattered Misfits shirt with cut off sleeves, displaying nicely toned arms and sun-kissed skin. His jeans were so full of holes that it left little to imagination, and hugged his tight ass enticingly ,along with some ratty red converses. His brows were furrowed in frustration, and he scowled at the paper. I felt a strange pull to the man. He sparked my interest. What was he doing out here, what was he writing? A love letter? Did people still write those? Not likely. Maybe he was writing with some hateful intent. An angry breakup letter was more likely. I stood watching him for a moment, remaining in shadows. He released an exasperated sigh. His arm slumped to his side, barely gripping his note.
A strong wind passed us both, snatching the sheet from his loose grip and tumbling towards me. It fell as quickly as it took flight, in arm's reach. An overwhelming curiosity pulled at me. It was rude, but I didn't give a fuck. I was never the courteous type. I plucked it off of the ground and read with the scrutiny of an author. It was lyrics. Piss poor lyrics, written by an obvious novice. They were raw and genuine, full of anger, with all the grace of bull. When I peeled my eyes off of the words, the brunette had stepped closer, ready for a confrontation.
"This is trash. Quit now, kid." I stated nonchalantly, meeting his glare. His eyes were livid, wide with anger, and startlingly beautiful. They were glimmering emeralds, alive with youth and passion. I threw the lyrics back to him.
"What the fuck is your problem? I..I didn't ask for your fucking opinion! Who the hell do you think you are?" He picked the paper back up, stuffing it into his back pocket, holding his gaze. I smirked. I wanted to tell him exactly who I was. See his face crumble. A dark, bitter part of me wanted to crush this brat's dreams before his eyes, yet I couldn't. He had a white hot fire in him that radiated almost visibly. Just being in his presence made me feel strangely more alive.
"Just someone who knows shit when I read it." I answered with ice in my tone. His face contorted, furious. I thought for a moment that he might actually swing at me, and I was prepared to lay him on the ground. He may have been larger than me in stature and broader, but he didn't possess my combat skills. That was obvious. Instead, he shouted at me again.
"Go fuck yourself, asshole!" He turned heel, and stormed off in the opposite direction. Like a hurricane, he stirred everything up in me, and just as quickly as he had stepped into my life, he was gone again. I felt a longing to follow after, or stop him, just to stay near that warmth, but I didn't. I watched the hansom stranger stalk off, feeling the cold creeping back into me. The sky was beginning to lighten, a precursor to sunrise. My body felt heavy, yet my feet led me back to the hotel.
A haze settled over my mind, a side effect of sleep deprivation, but also because of a bright eyed stranger. I felt like sleep would finally claim me, and I was eager to bury myself in that heavy comforter and forget the rest of the world. When I finally reached my bed, I was out the instant my head hit the pillows.
"Morning sunshine! Let's get breakfast!" Came a sing-song, all too chipper voice, only inches away from my ear. It jerked me out of a sound sleep. I was immediately irritated. Glasses was the worst kind of alarm clock, especially because I couldn't just hit her and fall back to sleep. It was tempting, but it would be futile. Why didn't she have a snooze button.
"Fuck you. Go alone." I answered, voice muffled by my pillow. I cracked open one eye, trying to mentally mute her. The light was too bright, burning, so I squeezed that one eye shut again, pulling my blanket more tightly around my shoulders.
"Nooo. It's noon Levi, come on. I let you sleep in a little." She whined. I could imagine the tall red-head's face, pouting lip and wide eyes begging for company.
"Go bug Mike to go." I snipped.
"I caaaannn'ttt, he already left."
"Then Erwin. He'd be better company." My voice was gruff with grogginess now, precious sleep slipping through my fingers. I was desperate for a couple more hours.
"Can't, he's on a 'video chat date' with his wife." Ugh. She was relentless, and now I had no out. Great. I used my last resort. I laid very still, pretending that I did pass back out. I clung to the comforter, enjoying the warmth. Suddenly she was pulling at it. I tugged back, but I lacked strength thanks to sleep deprivation. She yanked hard, and as a last retaliation, I let go. She fell on her ass with a loud thud, blanket in hand. I finally opened my eyes to smirk at her. She sulked for a moment.
"You ass." She yelled at me before breaking into a fit of laughter. "But I still win." I rolled my eyes at her, slowly sitting up. Hanji was one of the original band members, and my friend for even longer. We had attended highschool together, where she harassed me into being friends. I didn't understand why she took such an interest in me, the kid who tried to sleep in the hallway corner before class and rarely ever spoke to anyone.
She plopped down beside me one day, declaring that I looked interesting, and after made a point to talk to me every time she managed to catch me. She was the reason I knew everyone. She introduced me to the rest of her odd collection of friends, Erwin, Eld, Oruo, Gunther, Petra. They were all the original band members. Erwin almost immediately claimed the role as band manager, Eld and Gunther guitarists, Oruo our bassist, Hanji on drums and Petra and I the singers. She often just did backup, but I did convince her to sing with me eventually.
I squeezed my eyes shut again for a moment. Flashbacks exploded in my mind, precious memories of the time we all spent together causing a dull ache in my chest. I yearned for those times again constantly. I would sacrifice anything to rewind time, and relive that period of my life over and over again. I was well aware that was impossible, but I could never sate that craving. I knew happiness then, and I could have never fathomed it could be ripped away so quickly.
"Get your ass in gear, Levi. I'm hungry." The spectacle wearing, lanky woman standing at the foot of my bed declared, breaking me away from quickly darkening thoughts. She woke khaki capris and a black 'Left 4 Dead' tee, a white Assassin's Creed ballcap, and prescription sunglasses at the moment, nothing like she dressed on stage. I was accustomed to seeing the tall, somewhat thin woman clad in dark colors, the style gothic yet eccentric and over the top. It was the theme of our band.
Outside of performances, she preferred a distinctly geeky, slouchy style. I stuck to a more elegant style and neutral colors. I favored button-ups and slacks, though they did have my personal flare to them. I still wore my slim fit grey button-up and black slacks from last night.
"Let me change. I fell asleep in my clothes last night." I explained, ushering her to the door. "Wait outside."
"Okay, just don't take forever, you diva. I'll wait downstairs in the lounge." She replied as I shoved her out the door. Deviating from my normal style, I exchanged my slacks for black jeans and button-up for a dark grey t-shirt. I liked it for it's comfort, and that on the back was the pattern of wings in a black velvety material. I did my usual casual morning routine, brushing my teeth and hair, throwing on deodorant and a splash of acqua di gio, and washing my face. I then threw on my favorite coat, sunglasses, and wrapping a green and black plaid scarf around my neck.
I met an over-eager Hanji downstairs as she relaxed in one of the plush red armchairs that were placed about the lounge area of the hotel. She was rambling on to a stranger about some new video game she had become obsessed with lately, the poor guy looking a bit overwhelmed by her enthusiasm.
"Let's go, Glasses. I really want some fucking coffee now." I interrupted, her new acquaintance excusing himself and scrambling off. She turned and smiled.
"Cool, let's hit up a Starbucks then." We left in a rush, Glasses continuing to patter on about whatever game she had been in a conversation about before. I tuned her out, occasionally acknowledging that I heard her with an 'Mm.' It was an overcast day, the sun occasionally peeking out from behind grey clouds, and still chilly. The Starbucks was thankfully only a couple of blocks away from the hotel. The city had an unpleasant smell thanks to large sewer grates and masses of people, and I hated walking through it during the day. We worked our way through the crowded sidewalk quickly, arriving at our destination. I swung the glass door open to be greeted by a familiar face. It was the same fiery brunette I met last night, standing behind the counter in a black polo and green apron. His bright eyes widened in recognition.