A/N: This one-shot was originally for my friend and was supposed to only be 5 parts long. It grew into 8. Oops!
1.
The Winter Soldier's footfalls were heavy upon the museum's pure, almost sinfully so, white tile. His dark hood obscured his face away from any patrons. He came for only one thing: answers. Hydra was gone, the only thing in his life that had been a constant, in an instant.
It left him hollow, guilt stricken. He could see the eyes of his victims swimming behind his eyelids, their voices...
Please don't-
The silent ones were the ones he regretted killing most of all.
"...and over here here you will see Captain America and the Howling Commandos..."
The Captain America exhibit. A recent addition to the Smithsonian Museum following the defrost of Steve. Trembling, Winter Soldier eased through the crowd and gazed openly at the glass plaque that stood stubbornly in the forefront of the exhibit.
In memory on James "Bucky" Barnes.
The man to the left of the text held a confident aura about him with the classic 1940's hair cut and wide, vulnerable eyes. Winter Soldier caressed his own face, his eyes never leaving the photo. Could this man truly be him? Was he...Bucky?
I'm with you 'til the end of the line...
A sudden blinding pain erupted behind his eyelids. A vision, nay a memory. They came to him frequently these days. Each more painful than the last. This time, he only saw a face. Captain America.
It was him, much shorter and smaller in stature, but Winter Soldier could tell it was him. His mouth was moving, however no sound came. His eyes held a pronounced sadness. Steve. He reached out to touch him and the pain stopped. He was back in the museum.
He took on last look at Bucky's picture and left as silently as he came.
...with you 'til the end of the line.
2.
Steve was glad to finally be out of the hospital. He had received excellent service, but, in the end, he couldn't stand being cooped up in one place for long. Since his apartment had been reduced to shambles, Sam had made him the offer to stay at his home. He hated to impose, but there was nothing else he could do but accept. He certainly wasn't going to the tower.
He boxed what was left of his things and settled, albeit hesitantly, into Sam's house. He was an easy going roommate and left Steve to his privacy. Steve even went to his veteran therapy sessions. It was...nice. Too nice. Steve didn't know what to do with himself now that Shield was gone. Most of his day was spent in the gym.
Useless. He felt useless, a dead weight as he had when he was doing the war bonds promotion shows all those years ago. What was the point of all this strength if he couldn't use it?
We are sorry Mr. Rogers but, the United States is not in need of your services at this time.
They knew they needed him and was merely doing this out of spite for his role in taking down Shield. He sighed heavily.
You're far too tense Steve. Let me help you.
It had been far too easy to fall into Sam's arms, his bed. With Sam, there were no feelings or stings attached, just lust and the yearning to somehow find his place in the world again.
During his time of idleness, he mostly thought of Bucky. What he was doing, how he was doing, and where he was. His heart lurched when he thought of him. He missed his friend, needed his friend.
At one time Bucky had been his world, the only family he had left after his mother died. Even when he had nothing he had Bucky. He awoke in the night reaching out for him, to help him find his way. Sam said nothing about these dreams. Steve wasn't even sure he knew of whom he dreamt of. I have to find him, somehow...
His luck came in the shape of a letter, no return address. He opened the letter with his hands unsteady.
Rogers, you said you know who I am. Meet me by the embankment. You know which one.
Steve attempted to swallow to no avail. He folded and pocketed the letter swiftly after reading it several times. It had no name attached. It didn't need one. Steve already knew who it was.
Bucky..
3.
The two men stared at one another. Both far too speechless to speak. A hard breeze moved the branches over head. This was all that cut into the silence. Steve, with uncertainty guiding his footsteps, tried to move closer to Winter Soldier only to have the other move further back in return. Winter Soldier could feel the beginning of his flashbacks once again.
"This was a mistake," he mumbled. "A terrible mistake."
"Bucky-"
"Don't call me that!"
They were both startled by a falcon which flew up into the vast sky.
"Buck-," Steve received a fierce glare. "Winter Soldier, let me help you.."
"How long have you known me," Winter Soldier asked suddenly.
It was progress.
"Since we were kids in the Bronx."
Winter Soldier's face held more pain than Steve could stand.
"I don't remember," he sounded panicked. "I don't remember!"
"You don't have to remember-"
"Yes I do! I have nothing! No memories-"
"We can make new ones then."
Winter Soldier eyed Steve, suspicious.
"Let me show you around Washington."
Steve held out his hand. Slowly, Winter Soldier grabbed it.
4.
They settled into a simple routine. Steve showed him D.C. as promised while telling him a few memories as he did so. He lived for the moments when Winter Soldier smiled. In these moments Steve saw a flash of the old Bucky, and not this shell of a man that he now was.
Winter Soldier knew less about the modern world than he did and Steve took pleasure in telling him about it, as much as he knew himself. He wondered if this was what Stark and Natasha felt when they were coaching him. In truth, Steve just liked being needed again, especially by his best friend. He had spent so much of his life being taken cared of by Bucky that he was more than glad to return the favor.
How much do you remember?
I can see people, you mostly but,I can't hear voices.
Strange.
You're a lot different without all that muscle on.
He hid the meetings from Sam. Why? He...he honestly didn't know. He trusted Sam, trusted the man with his life. Just...just not with this. Steve wanted Bucky for himself. It was selfish, he knew.
Where do you live now?
With Sam Wilson. The guy whose wings you ripped off?
Oh, him.
What's with that reaction?
Nothing Rogers.
You still can't call me Steve can you?
Silence. Winter Soldier looked away from him.
I don't deserve to call you Steve.
What did they do to you Bucky?
I can't tell you. That is the one thing I wish I couldn't remember.
5.
The kissed. It came suddenly and neither one could look each other in the eye afterwards. Steve's lips were soft, inviting. Just the way you remember them.Winter Soldier hastily brushed away the thought.
"Steve-"
"Bucky-"
Pause. Confusion. Confirmation.
"Y-you called me Steve."
"I'm sorry I-"
"Say it again."
"But I-I-"
A hard swallow. The moving of Bucky's Adam's apple.
"Steve."
"Do you...do you remember?"
"Germany, Munich. We had gotten separated from the other Commandos on the way back to base."
Another swallow.
"It was raining and we took shelter in an abandoned house. One thing led to another and-"
"I don't regret that night. So don't look at me like that."
"I was your first. I hurt you."
"I had the serum by then. I could handle it."
"Steve...I'm not the man I used to be."
"You don't have to be. Neither am I."
"Can you?"
"Can I what?"
Winter Soldier inhaled and exhaled slowly. He drank in Steve. His golden blond hair, lips tinted pink, and sky blue eyes. All could be his if he wished it. And he did.
"Say my name."
"Winter Sol-"
"Bucky. Call me Bucky."
"I'll do more than that."
Steve kissed him again. Bucky marveled at how perfectly their bodies fit together.
6.
"So this is where you've been going."
"Sam..."
He glared at them with more anger than Steve had ever seen him have. Why hadn't he been more careful? He had grown careless. Hurting Sam was the last thing he had ever wanted to do. Hurting anyone was the last thing he had ever wanted to do.
"Ten months. You couldn't tell me you had been seeing the Russian assassin in all that time?"
Ten months. It had been a year since Hydra and Shield had fallen. So many things had changed. Bucky moved in to defend himself. Steve held him back. He couldn't have the situation get worse than it already was.
"That's not how it is."
"Then how the hell is it?"
"I was trying to help him-"
"He's not the kind of man you help. He's the kind you stop!"
Sam had said that before. A year ago. He hadn't paid much attention to it when he had said it before. Now, it took on a new meaning.
"Sam he's my friend! I couldn't just leave him."
"Have you forgotten who he is? What he's done? How can you ever forgive him?"
"Of course I know! More than anyone..."
Bucky's face was a blank canvas. Steve couldn't see what he was thinking, what he was feeling.
"You never really read the file Natasha gave you did you?"
Steve had begun to read it and stopped on the second page. In the end, Natasha had been right. It was far too painful for him to read. He shook his head.
"Well, I did a little reading of my own. Did you know your little friend is the reason why Howard Stark is dead?"
"What? He couldn't have-"
"He staged the accident that killed him and his wife. He also tried to off Peggy but she got away from him just in the nick of time."
Steve turned to Bucky. His eyes were filled with anger, betrayal, sadness. Bucky almost couldn't breath.
"So this is what you couldn't tell me?"
"Steve I'm so sorry. I didn't know who they were-"
"But you remembered them. You eventually remembered them and you didn't tell me you killed them!"
"He's dangerous Steve."
Steve glanced back at Sam. He had almost forgotten he was there.
"I know that. I know Sam."
"You were never meant to find out this way."
Pictures of Howard streamed through Steve's mind. His laugh. His charm. Tony. Oh god, Tony. Steve found himself stepping away from Bucky, no Winter Soldier and closer to Sam. Tears cascaded down Bucky's face.
"Steve-!"
"Good bye Winter Soldier."
Come back! Bucky screamed inwardly. Please...I love you. You can't...you can't just abandon me like this! But, in the end, all he could do was watch as he was led away from the embankment, away from his arms.
7.
Steve knew immediately that he had made the wrong choice. He had told Sam to stop the car and take him back.
"So in the end, you choose him."
"I realized that he had no control over the orders he was given. He didn't even know who he was let alone Howard and Peggy."
"You love him that much huh?"
Steve had never fully thought about it. It was true. He loved him, as Bucky and Winter Soldier. Sam sighed and steered the car back. Bucky wasn't there.
For weeks Steve searched for Bucky, with Sam in tow. He went back to their place everyday. Bucky never returned. Desperately, Steve called Natasha and rapidly told her the situation.
"You've really made a mess of things Steve. I'm impressed."
"Can you help me find him?"
"Even better. I can tell you where he is."
"Where is he?"
About to board a plane to Canada. He called me soon after you left him, said he got my number from you.
Steve stared at his phone confused. He-he hadn't given him her phone number. Unless...He quickly got his pants from that day and scavenged his pockets. The number she had given him was no where to be found.
"He told me he was no longer associated with Hydra and that he needed to start over. I was more than happy to help. After all, I know what it's like to want to run away from your past."
She allowed that to sink in. Steve felt positively ashamed of his actions. He could find no reason in them, no justification. Just a really hot head.
"Can I reach him in time?"
"Not if you're still talking to me."
"Thanks Tasha."
"Just make sure to tell metal arm to smile more. He's much more handsome that way."
8.
"Bucky!"
He paused with his suitcase trailing behind him. That voice...it couldn't be. Why would he come for you? He called you a monster. Not in many words nevertheless, his eyes said it all.
Finding Natasha's number on the ground after Steve and his...other friend had left had been a blessing in disguise. Natasha had been more than eager to help him even though he had shot her mercilessly.
It's alright metal arm. I just can't wear bikinis anymore. I never went to the beach that often anyway.
She puled some strings to get him on the plane, away from Steve. Steve. Just thinking of the name sent pain through his chest. Once he was gone Steve could move on with his life instead of being stuck on him. He could be with that...Sam guy, as much as that hurt.
"Bucky, please!"
There it went again. So it was not a dream. He whirled around and there he was, panting and out of breath. Bucky flashed back to Germany, when Steve was under him doing the same thing...
"Does it," Bucky trembled, barley able to hold himself back."Does it hurt?
"You could never hurt me Bucky," Steve smiled softly.
But I have, I have. Steve had been a lot bigger than he was and bottomed to preserve his fragile ego. Just like Steve to be selfless.
"Bucky..."
"Steve, what are you doing here?"
"I came to find you."
"Why? I'm a dangerous man. I killed Howard and I tried to kill Peggy!"
"Because I love you."
"You can't! You shouldn't."
Steve shouldn't be here. He should be away from me where it's safe.
"Bucky, I told you before," Steve got closer to him, only to have Bucky walk further away. It reminded them both of their first meeting. "I'm with you 'til the end of the line."
Bucky stopped moving and looked in Steve's eyes. He saw love there, an emotion he hadn't seen directed towards him in a very long time. Bucky dropped his suitcase and embraced Steve.