Some people think that he left, that he ran away, others think that he just started a new life in the muggle world.
Darkness was nearly swallowing the room à la place A ray of moonlight coming through the windowpane softly illuminated the bedroom, caressing the white silky sheet under which a frail and unmoving body was outlined. The moon was high in the black sky. Nevertheless, a light was still shining. One last star was still twinkling. Harry Potter couldn't fall asleep.
A blue gleam was reflected in his emerald gaze. Once more, he was lost in his bitter thoughts, trying to find an escape from this labyrinth in which he seemed to be lost. It was one more night, one night too many.
Harry knew this. Trouble was brewing. Something was about to happen sooner or later. Dementors, giants, vampires and werewolves had joined Voldemort's army. Moreover, the number of Death Eaters had considerably increased. Consequently, no one could trust anyone any more, for no one knew who the spies actually were. Because fear made honest wizards enlist, scared to have their families tortured under their eyes, scared to be killed, scared that it would never be over. Fear has men do acts of madness, and this fear was buzzing in Harry's ears louder and louder, reminding him that the end was near.
Anxiety overwhelmed him slowly, an abyss was growing under his feet. An abyss in which he would have fallen without his friends' presence, but most of all without his godfather's, Sirius Black. His only remaining parent, the one who understood him. The one who knew how to put a smile back on his face, the one who had been able to revive this faded twinkle in his eyes. The one who was like another father to him. He loved him, but not in the way a godson should love his godfather. Here was the big deal. Harry Potter could not do anything like everybody else. He loved a man who was old enough to be his father and who would never love him the way he himself did.
In the beginning, he had doubts about it. He had never had a real family to speak of, so he did not have any landmark to rely on, so he could not know if his attachment to Sirius was rightful or not. Taking in count the fact that he was the last person he had in the world, it was meaningful. So he never questioned himself about it... until now. A few years later, Harry wondered if the fact that he woke up every morning with this urge to see his godfather was normal. If it was normal to see his face when he was about to cast a patronus, if it was normal that every time Sirius laughed, Harry's heart began pounding loudly, if it was normal that the tiniest tender smile he had could Harry's eyes well up with tears, and if it was normal to fall asleep each night, seeing his godfather's sublime blue eyes. Quickly, Harry found all this was nothing but normal, and he had to open his eyes on one of the worst realities of his young life: he loved Sirius. Genuinely. And he also found that he could not help this.
Harry threw away the white silky sheet and rose from his bed. He slowly walked to the window and opened it, secretly hoping that all his worries would fly away, leaving him forever. Of course, it was only wishful thinking.
The young man leaned on his elbows, on the cold window's edge, and gazed at Grimmauld place absently while the fresh air caressed his nostrils. He recognized the iridescent rose's smell, fresh grass and for some reason, vanilla. All those scents that allow one to dream, to hope for better days. Summer's smell, synonym of impending happiness… Yes, but not this time.
Harry knew how to manage his anxiety. Or who could calm him down. And it was no one else than the only other person present at 12 Grimmauld place.
Only Sirius could put a smile back on his face. He was the only one able to take him out from the cage Voldemort had forged around his heart.
Harry Potter was hurt, and Harry Potter liked hurting himself, struggling against his feelings for the man he loved when the pain was too overwhelming, and it was often even worse afterwards. But he did not care, as long as he was with Sirius, nothing would harm him. As long as he was alongside his godfather, his heart was beating, and he finally felt alive.
The spoiled wooden floor creaked with each step. Harry felt the coarse wood under his bare feet as the light of his wand pricked his eyes, but he did not mind.
He finally arrived in front of Sirius' bedroom. He shyly knocked three times on the door.
As soon as he heard his godfather's answer, he started wondering if, after all, coming here was a good idea, and if Sirius would appreciate being awakened this late.
The dark-haired man was now facing him. He was only wearing a pair of sweatpants. Harry wanted to apologize, but he could not even utter single word. He could not help watching the man's chest
Sirius gave him a surprised look before gesturing at him to come in. Harry complied without a word.
« C'mon, sit down. » he said as he sat himself on the bed.
Harry sat next to him, feeling increasingly ridiculous
«Let me guess… Insomnia? » he smiled, trying his best to hide his concern.
Harry simply nodded. The words were stuck in his throat.
« What's wrong, Harry ? You can tell me anything...» he said as he came up to Harry.
The young man felt his heart beat faster. Why the hell did he have to go and kick in a beehive ? His godfather's blue eyes bore into him, as though trying to read his mind.
He noticed Harry was different with him, he seemed to be hiding something. And it hurt him.. He would have loved for the young lion to feel free to tell him anything he wanted to. But obviously, Harry did not feel the same way. Maybe he just didn't dare? Sirius didn't know. The only thing he actually knew was that Harry needed to be comforted.
He came up to the young boy and wound his arms around him as he caressed his wayward hair.
Harry curled up against his godfather, fighting against an invisible enemy. It was one of those hugs. On of those hugs that he loved so much and which had become vital. One of those hugs that he would prolong indefinitely if he could. One of those hugs which were able to erase all things wrong from his mind, but not this time. Harry felt a tear streaming down his cheek. His invisible enemy won. What good was fighting against tears?
Sirius rocked his godson softly as he waited for him to be able to talk, but he felt his heart missing a beat as Harry quivered against him. He was crying. He had never seen him cry, and now he was crying in his arms.
Sirius felt his heart break as he laid his hand on the young man's wet cheek. His gaze was lost into his emerald eyes.
« Harry tell me ! Tell me what's wrong! » he choked out.
Of course, Harry couldn't tell him he was crying because he loved him with a love so pure that his heart was breaking a little bit more deeply with each passing hour. He couldn't say that when he hugged him, he felt as he was sinking into his own pain more and more each minute, and that each second spent looking into his blue eyes just extended this hole inside of him. Of course not. Harry could not say that. So, he laid down.
" I can't take it anymore, Sirius" he stuttured. " How many other persons will die just because they know me?"
It wasn't a real lie, because he was also worried about it, but he wasn't actually thinking about it at the moment.
Harry felt ashamed.
Sirius hugged him tighter as he softly kissed his forehead. He wished Harry didn't have to go through this. He wished he could take him far from all this. And, for God's sake, he wished Harry weren't that young.
His life taught him how to ignore sadness, and how to go ahead, whatever it cost. However, this time, it didn't work. Hell not. Because this time, after all those long years spent alone, he had finally found love. He had found Harry, his godson, about times younger than him.
Harry could not imagine how much seeing Sirius that sad hurt. He did not know how much pain he was in. He did not know anything about it.
Sirius had to comfort his godson. How he felt wasn't important, as long as Harry was happy.
If only Harry weren't that young ! If he only weren't James' son...
« People die Harry, it's a fact. But it certainly isn't your fault,» he finally said.
« But -»
«- No Harry. Did you threaten anyone with your wand ? Did you pronounce the 'Avada Kedavra' ? Did you ask Voldemort to kill all those persons, Harry ? »
« No, but -»
«- It's a fact, Harry. But you aren't responsible. All this stuff keeps piling up on you even if you never asked anything. But I swear Harry, it's all going to be over someday. Sooner or later. And then you won't have to worry about anyone. You hear me, Harry ? »
Harry lifted his gaze. Another tear streamed down his cheek before getting lost between Sirius' fingers.
« I'll always worry about someone » Harry muttered.
« Harry… -» reprimanded Sirius.
«- No ! You don't understand. When everything is over, I'll still worry about you… » Harry stuttered as sadness veiled Sirius' gaze.
« When everything is finished, you will have a beautiful house, and then you'll get married, and... -»
«- No Sirius !! » Harry burst into tears. « You don't understand ! No one does.»
Something broke inside Sirius as Harry began crying in earnest.
« If I don't understand Harry, help me do it.» he said tentatively.
Help him undestand ? If he only knew what he was asking for.
But after all, Harry didn't have anything to lose. Absolutely nothing. He lifted his gaze into the older man's and saw, for the first time, that tears had welled into his eyes.
Harry slowly stroke his godfather's cheek.
A tear rolled onto the boy-who-lived's fingers. He stared at the man in front of him. He gazed at his marvellous blue eyes, contrasting with his dark skin. He had never looked more gorgeous. He slowly came up to him, ignoring his own heartbeat, and lightly pressed his lips against Sirius'. He closed his eyes, enjoying this sweet contact. If only time had stopped! If only everything could have stopped, then, as everything began.
Sirius violently broke the kiss and pushed Harry away.
« What the hell are you doing ? » he yelled.
Something broke inside Harry. He couldn't say anything, because of the painful lump in his throat. He quickly rose from the bed.
He could not stand this. He wanted to leave. He didn't know where to go, but he craved leaving Grimmauld place, leaving the country, maybe. He could not stay and keep watching the man behind him.
He quickly walked up to he door.
« Colloportus! » Sirus cast behind him.
« Alohomora » Harry said quickly.
« Colloportus, Expelliarmus! » Sirius cast, putting a stop at Harry's escape attempt for good.
« Let me go » he said without turning over.
« No » Sirius simply answered.
Harry fell on his Godfather and hit him with as much strength as his skinny body allowed him.
« I TOLD YOU TO LET ME GET OUT OF HERE ! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I HATE YOU! » he yelled.
Sirius took a particularly violent blow in his chest. He grabbed Harry's arms and immobilised him.
« Tell me why you did it before! » He groaned.
« WHAT DO YOU THINK? Would you kiss someone for no reason ? Simply because you feel like it ?? Maybe you would, but not me! I love you Sirius !" he yelled. He had never screamed so much in his whole life.
Sirius released the boy. It felt as though he had slapped him. Harry collapsed on the floor as Sirius sat on his bed. The silence of the room was only broken by Harry's sobs.
« How can you… » Sirius said after a moment.
« Excuse me if it makes you feel sick. » He spat between two sobs.
Excuse me if it makes you feel sick. It was echoing in his brain. He took it as an insult.
« If it makes me feel sick? » he asked as he sat on the floor, facing Harry. « You want to know what makes me feel sick? It makes me feel sick to know that I haven't been able to avoid this kind of things. As long as I… » he broke off.
Harry wasn't sure about the meaning of Sirius' sentence. He should be so lucky, but whatever, he had to know. He rose on his knees, facing the older man, then he wrapped his arms around his shoulders. He slowly inched closer to his godfather.
« NO Harry ! » he bellowed as he pushed him violently.
« Why ? » he whispered after a moment.
"We mustn't, Harry. » he softly answered as a silent tear streamed down his emaciated cheek, only witness of his inner struggle.
« Sirius… I need to know. Do you… Do you love me too ?» Harry risked.
The elder buried his face into his hands.
« Yes Harry, it's obvious. More than anything is this fucked up world. But we mustn't. We-»
He never finished his sentence. The-boy-who-lived had fallen into his arms, kissing him savagely, their tongues moving against each other in a frenzied ballet.
Sirius pushed him away softly. Again.
« We mustn't » he muttered as he tried to catch his breath.
« Sirius I love you… » Harry whispered softly in his godfather's ear.
Sirius felt faint. This simple phrase broke something inside him.
« Excuse me, James » he whispered. Then he kissed the boy tenderly.
A he released him, he noticed that Harry was crying. He was crying joyful tears.
« When all of this is over, we'll leave Harry. I swear. We'll leave far from all this. We'll forget everything about this fucking life, d'you hear me Harry? Forever.» he said, laughing. One of those laughs sounding like a bark.
Harry laughed too. This sentence was far more important than it sounded. It was like a promise for a better future, a twinkle in this dark world.
Then the holiday ended. Harry had to go back to Hogwarts, he had to put the two greatest months he had ever had firmly behind him. Then came the attack at the Departement of Mysteries.
Harry thought he was going mad when Sirius fell though the veil.
Two years later, he finally got rid of Voldemort. He also made the ministry restore his godfather's name. Now, he was officially innocent.
« Hey ! Do you know where Harry is? » Hermione asked.
Ron simply shrugged.
As she asked her question, Harry had just came into the archway room. He was silently contemplating the Veil.
We'll leave far from all this. We'll forget everything about this fucking life, d'you hear me Harry? Forever.
Harry smiled.
« Yes Sirius. Forever »
Then, he slowly walked through the Veil.
Some people think that he left, that he ran away, others think he just started a new life in the muggle world, but no one ever knew what really happened to Harry Potter. Whatever, wasn't he allowed to be happy too ?
If he couldn't be happy in this life, maybe he would be in the next one.