Please be warned that this story is intended to sound like a lot of rambling nonsense. If you read it and think "What?", then that's what I was aiming for. Also, I say this story is optional LxLight because it is. If you want to see it as a pairing or not, then it's entirely up to you.

Thank you very much for your time, it is so appreciated.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.

For someone so intelligent and observant, you're surprisingly ignorant.

…No, perhaps that's the wrong way of phrasing it. You're good at being ignorant when you wish to be. That's better. Technically, that qualifies as a compliment.

Why are you looking at me like that?

"You're good at being ignorant" isn't a compliment? Why do you think that?

Regardless, it's the truth. I'm certain it's the truth, because if it wasn't true, then I would be more inclined to tell you that it was. First of all, because it would bother you. Secondly, because if it wasn't true, then you would listen to what I was saying. If I tried to explain this in actuality, then I'm positive you would yet again be deaf to what I was attempting to convey.

Perhaps this isn't making much sense to you. Or perhaps it does. I'm not entirely sure, since we aren't actually having this conversation, and you might try to surprise me if we were. No, you're sitting several feet across from me, quietly sipping your coffee in silence. I am also sitting here with coffee. I'm going to imitate you, now.

Now I'm holding the mug in exactly the same position as you.

Now I'm raising it to my mouth at the same pace as you.

We are drinking in union.

If I put the mug on the table at the exact same time as you, would you notice?

…You did. I thought you would.

You're expecting me to say something now, I suppose. I don't think I will, because I doubt you've suddenly changed in the time it took to take a sip of coffee. That would be far too convenient.

You've called me an inconvenient person on multiple occasions, and I called you a hypocrite once, but you ignored it.

Please pay more attention in the future. It will benefit you greatly to listen.

If we were indeed having this conversation, it would be at this point that you would call me out on being too vague. You'd say: "What are you talking about, Ryuzaki? Where's all of this coming from?"

You should have been expecting it. I gave you several hints. What more were you hoping for? A confession? That's unrealistic.

…A notebook that can kill people is also unrealistic, but I suppose we will have to have two separate categories for unrealistic things. A category for unrealistic things that still exist just to make life incredibly difficult, and a category for unrealistic things that will not occur because the circumstances won't allow them to happen. Simply put, "unrealistic things that happen anyway", and "unrealistic things that won't happen or can't happen".

You confessing to being Kira is probably in the second category, but if you want to surprise me and change it to the first, now is probably the time to do that.

…That would be too easy, wouldn't it? Oh well. I don't think I'd enjoy that anyway.

I'd be forced to remind you not to misinterpret that as me admitting I was enjoying Kira's existence if this were a real conversation, even though you know better than that. I'm not. That was proven by my risking my life to catch him. To catch you. "But, Ryuzaki", you'd whine, "I'm not Kira." And the whole tedious explanation of why you are Kira would start up again, even though we're both quite sick of it by this point. I'm getting tired of repeating myself.

Not of you, though. If I had to be chained to anyone, I suppose it would have to be you.

I told you that.

I said those exact words, in fact. You said something about us being friends; it wasn't a very good answer. You were being ignorant again.

Although, I suppose you were right. We are friends, though it isn't the most ideal friendship. Ideal friendships are another unrealistic thing, but it's something people seem to expect more often than they should.

Maybe there are three categories. Unrealistic things that happen, unrealistic things that don't happen, and unrealistic things that people expect to happen even when they clearly aren't going to.

The world is full of unrealism. Anything that needs more than two categories must be plentiful.

Although, unlike some people, I never expected this to be an ideal friendship. In fact, I never anticipated befriending you. I anticipated befriending Kira so I could get close to him, yes. It was convenient, I'm sure you understand. You did the same thing, so you're in no position to accuse me of lying to you. Actually, I lie to you frequently, and you know this, but apparently it's worse when it involves manipulating people and their emotions.

A lie is a lie.

…Except when it's honesty. There's a thin line between honesty and dishonesty, and it's so blurry that it's difficult to know which side you're on. Sometimes it's easy to forget why you're on the side you're on as well, and the only explanation you can fathom for it was that you thought you were on the other side, but you got lost at some point.

"The world is not black and white."

That applies to many things, not just crime.

But, if we're going back to that topic, I feel that someone should have mentioned that to you before you became Kira. You can't tell me that nobody ever said that phrase to you.

"I never said I believed everything to be that simple." You'd say, in some hypothetical interrogation following your hypothetical confession.

Of course someone did. But were you listening to them, or were you being ignorant again?

Maybe that's too harsh. You're only pretending not to hear because you don't like the truth. You're childish, even though nobody believes it but me. I'm also childish, so I can relate to that. I can understand you wanting to shield your eyes from the truth because it's easier to accept.

However, unlike you, I don't.

I'm a child, but I'm not so desperate that I would only allow myself to see what I wish to see. Even when the reality isn't what you need it to be, I can't pretend it isn't happening just because I would prefer it if things were different.

That's another difference between you and I. There are many, but that's probably one of the largest.

It's because you hide your eyes that you are able to survive, isn't it? It's because you pretend not to listen to things that you've come this far. If I were you, I would have done the same thing. But as I am now, I don't think I know how to live in a world outside of pictures of corpses and records of criminals, piles of documents stacked up on a desk, countless empty coffee mugs…

I know how to be a detective, but I don't know how to be a human.

You can't be both. You have to decide which side you're on. Sometimes you attempt to maintain both, but you can only go so far like that. I had a choice between living in the "real" world and living in the "L" world, but I couldn't exist in two. Strangely enough, the "real" world seems to be nothing but fabrications and appearances. People behave in a certain way around other people. They wear masks that they try to sell to you as their genuine face.

Just like you did.

Just like I do.

But you know that my mask is a mask. I'm not trying to convince you of anything, because I don't need to. I have no reason for trying to hold up appearances. As long as my reputation as a detective is strong, then that's all that I require.

I live to solve cases because that's all my world is. I prefer it that way. I don't want anything else to interfere.

Like friendships.

Honest friendships. Not the artificial friendship I had planned for Kira. That was never going to be a problem because it was entirely made of lies anyway. It was a device I had planned on using to solve a case, which was fine.

It did not go the way I had intended.

I ended up liking you, Light.

I don't even know if the feeling was ever mutual. If it was, then I'm sure it's gone now that you have the Death Note back. Well, technically it's on the table across the room being carefully inspected by the task force, but I'm sure it won't be long until you have it in your grasp again. It doesn't matter whether or not you were lying when you said we were friends. I won't deny that I would have liked that, but what difference does it make in the end?

You still exist in the "real" world as Light, but your position as Kira was always going to be significantly more important than anything it had to offer. Kira's needs come before Light's needs.

I prefer to think of you as two different entities sometimes, or I imagine you suffer from multiple personalities. For a little while, there was only one of you, and we had fun together. Higuchi was Kira, and you were just Light, without the added complications of a second personality dictating your actions. You were essentially free, or as free as you could be while still in the "real" world, which is actually incredibly restricting.

"You say that like the 'world' you live in isn't restricting." You would say, in a very sceptical tone.

It is, but in a different way.

I'm just here to solve cases. That's all.

That's the problem, you see. That's why I wanted to be able to tell you all of this.

I had hoped this conversation could happen, even though it was unrealistic.

Why do you kill as Kira, Light?

Because you want to eliminate the evil from the world.

Because you want to change the world for the better.

Because you feel the need to fix what is broken.

That's the ultimate reason. You're the only person who can do it, and you need to, and you want to do it. It's a role that's perfect for you.

Now, try to imagine, just for a moment, that one day you wake up and realize… You don't care about these criminals anymore. You just aren't interested in making an ideal world, and you have no idea what's changed your mind. You just have no motivation to work towards your goal.

Alright, that's unfair. It doesn't happen that quickly. It happens very, very slowly.

First, you feel no need to kill very petty criminals. You stop looking for them; they'll get caught by the police anyway, so you allow them to live because you don't want to waste time hunting them down.

Then it's criminals who have committed slightly worse crimes, but nothing that court cases full of evidence can't handle. You decide to focus on more important things. Maybe you'd worry about them later, when you weren't so busy.

Murders, thieves… Well, they only killed one person. They only stole a few thousand. There are worse people to worry about in the world.

You limit yourself. "Only killers who have killed more than ten people." "Only thieves who have stolen over a million dollars worth of goods." Because that's the only thing that can interest you. That's the only thing that can hold your attention. Everything else is… boring. Anything less just feels like a waste of time.

But, what then?

What about when ten lives isn't enough? What about when a million dollars is just a number? What's the next required amount? Twenty lives? Two million dollars? After all, you lost your motivation previously, so what's stopping it from leaving again?

You can't have that. Twenty lives is far too many. Two million dollars is much too high. You need to stay motivated. You HAVE to stay motivated. You don't have a choice anymore, you've come so far, you can't afford to stop. You won't allow yourself to stop.

Pills help a lot.

Pills that you started taking to stop feeling things you weren't supposed to be feeling, but somehow they became something worth clinging to. You forget their original purpose, but you don't dare stop.

You start taking a few occasionally; they make you feel a little better for a while. All these things are temporary, though. A temporary solution to a permanent problem. You try to convince yourself that it's just for now. You're going through a bad time, but things will get better. You just need to take a little medicine to recover.

The first time you saw me take them, you were surprised, but you didn't say anything. It was the first day since we'd been chained together, so you were still unaware of a lot of the habits I preferred not to show to the task force.

"Popping pills like candy", someone once said to me.

He's dead, if you were wondering.

We weren't friends, before you make any assumptions.

I would tell you about him, but I don't think that we have the time now.

The bells have been ringing for a very long time now, and if we don't get a move on soon, then we might miss the big day, and then it all would have gone to waste.

So, perhaps I will try to finish this conversation that we shall never have, lest I start another one that you never wanted.

On the day we had our first fight—the fight you initiated, I might add—Do you recall what I said?

"You said you were feeling depressed and unmotivated." You would reply.

Yes, but that isn't what I'm talking about. In actuality, the Kira case was the most compelling cases I could ever imagine. There could never be a more fascinating tale of the killer who could kill with only a name and a face. Nothing could be more interesting. Motivation wasn't a problem at all, I was very happy to be able to investigate such a series of murders. Lack of devotion could never interfere with something like this, and that's something I'm certain of.

But that was just it. It was perfect.

Nothing could beat it.

And, if I won, which I easily would have done, then what next? Would I ever be lucky enough to encounter another killer such as Kira? There are always crimes going on in the world, but that doesn't mean I care for any of them.

You've raised my expectations, and I know I won't be able to lower them if you die.

When we had our first fight, you said to me, "It's almost as if you want me to be Kira."

And I said it was an interesting theory. I said I did. I said I wanted you to be Kira.

That was the truth. That was one of the most honest things I've ever said to you, maybe to anyone.

I do want you to be Kira.

It has to be you.

Because I don't mind if it's you.

I don't mind if it's Light.

That's why I let you kill Higuchi. I could have hidden cameras in that helicopter; in fact, I was planning on doing that. I was going to secretly record you from all angles. I knew something was going to happen. I knew you would be the one to cause it. It was the perfect opportunity for me to win.

And I didn't take it.

I don't like Kira's ideals. I don't think all criminals deserve to die. I don't think I'm doing the right thing by handing you the victory you believe you've earned. In fact, I think I'm disgusting for it. I'm humiliated because of my own actions.

But if anyone is going to kill L, it may as well be the person who tried to show him the world he could never have.

Friendship doesn't exist in my world. It's an inconvenience.

But I'm glad I got to see what it was like.

You could have known all of this, if only you'd listened a little more. If you had tried to understand what I meant when I said I wanted you to be Kira, then you'd probably have figured all of this out.

You saw me taking enough medication every morning, and you let yourself believe it was vitamins because you wanted to believe that.

If I had to be chained to anyone, it would have to be you, because you were the only person I would be willing to lose my mask for.

If you weren't covering your ears and eyes to all of this, you would know that you didn't beat me. Kira didn't win. I did not lose to you.

I just don't want to have to deal with victory.

I want to stop playing before the game stops being fun. Is that so wrong?

I could tell you this, if I wanted to.

I'm not going to.

The bells are awfully distracting today, aren't they? They've been ringing and ringing non-stop.

Maybe we should take a break and listen to them for a while, Light.

I'll be waiting for you outside, if you'd like to join me.

I'm sorry the weather isn't more pleasant today.

Maybe it'll be better tomorrow.