"Make us whole again."
Shhh. Don't worry, Robert. We will be whole again soon enough, I promise. Then you can hold me in your arms again, your brand new arms fresh from the vats will they feel any different from your old ones I wonder no they won't I just know they won't no no, you'll hold me in your arms again and everything will be just the same as it was before. Don't you worry.
I already want to hold you, Robert, just to keep you as whole as I can while we wait for the traveler to get here, but I know you'll just feel bad because you can't hold me back yet. Instead I return my hand to your chest
yourchestyourchestthat'sallyouareanymoreisachestbutI'llmakeyouwholeagaindon'tworrydon'tyouworryRobertMcCoy
and start stroking again, dragging my fingertips across your skin just the way you like it whenever we're lying in bed together waiting for our sweat to evaporate. I can hear the woman from the speakers singing that song of hers, and I move my hand in tune with her verses. It's the best I can do without somehow making you uncomfortable.
Even without my eyes, I sense that you understand my unspoken intent, and I smile down at you. We may not be whole in body yet, but our minds are as closely linked as ever. We were made for each other.
I know you're not in any pain, or else you would be screaming, but I still try to avoid touching any of your wounds.
Oh no, Robert, it's not like that. Really. The only disgust I feel toward your injuries is the guilt that I caused most of them. I know I had to do it, I had to there was no other choice it was going to kill me Robert the thing in your body it was going to slice my belly open and start eating me I would have to watch your face eating my guts while I was still alive, I know I had to but it still hurt me to do it. I try not to touch your wounds because I'd rather not get blood on my hand, that's all. Like I said, the idea doesn't repulse me, I'd just rather stay clean. Besides, the traveler in the dark might be here any minute now, and I don't want to get blood on his present when I give it to him.
Of course, that course of action lasts all of ten seconds. First I'm touching your skin, then the next thing I know my fingers drop into a soft, moist gorge. Instinctively, I freeze up - for a moment I'm terrified that this action will somehow reawaken your ability to feel pain and you'll start screaming in agony - but the seconds continue to pass, and still you make no sound. It is not until after I begin to breathe again that I remember my fingers are still sitting inside your wound.
Strangely curious, I don't pull my hand out, but instead begin tracing the wound, trying to get a sense of what it looks like now that I'm unable to actually see it. It wasn't made by me, I know that for sure; I've treated plasma injuries before, and those leave the affected skin hard and crumbly, very much the way you would expect such an intense burn to feel like. This wound, on the other hand, is smooth, soft - basically unharmed, apart from the fact that it's sliced open.
"You got this from one of... one of the monsters, didn't you? Right before they turned you into one?" I murmur.
"It hurt," you say. "When you get cut by something really sharp you're not supposed to feel it for awhile. Like a shark bite. They all say that. But the monster slashed me and right away it started hurting. It hurt so bad I was already screaming before I even realized what hap-"
"Shhh, they might hear you, darling. You're okay now. It's all okay."
I can feel the blood pooling up around my fingers where they're pressing down into your exposed muscle tissue. Not only the blood that was already sitting in the wound, I can feel, but blood from inside you as well, rushing up as if I'm pressing into a damp sponge. Your blood would have clotted hours ago, of course, and I try to remember whether this new onset of bleeding should be medically possible, but the knowledge escapes me.
Slowly, gently, I withdraw my hand. Blood is supposed to feel warm, but my fingers come away feeling cool in the recycled air, little different than if they had been submerged in water instead. Though it's a useless gesture, I stare down at the blood I know is coating my fingers. With surprising speed, it drips down to the back of my palm, and it begins to tickle just before it reaches my wrist. The laughter tears itself out of my throat before I can stop it. I hear it bounce off the metal walls just so it can come back to me, a dozen mechanical doppelgangers laughing at me in their voices that are so like mine but they're not like mine they sound like metal it's coming from the walls the whole ship is laughing at me they might hear us darling cut off their limbs then make us whole again shut up shut up SHUT UP!
My laugh has morphed into a scream. I snap my jaws shut and throw myself to the ground, hardly noticing the stabbing pain in my skull, not caring at all that blood is oozing from my tongue where I bit into it.
Blood, blood, blood, it stays trapped inside our bodies all our lives, distributing oxygen and nutrients to our cells, shot from the heart like a bullet only to be sucked back in to do it all over again. Blood is the human body's slave and like any slave it will escape the first chance it gets and to hell with the consequences it just wants freedom just wants to get out get out of here please God just let me off this fucking ship I don't want to die. Even the smallest cut, and the blood will rush eagerly forth. Take a plasma burn for instance. Tens of thousands of degrees, and by all logic it should instantly cauterize any wounds it causes. Yet the blood always escapes, always seeps through the burned tissue, squirts out, paints everything red, so so red. And the real reason is that the blood knows it's fighting a losing battle, trying to keep any of us alive, as if we won't all die someday, as if there are no real monsters and if there are no real monsters they can't rip us apart and punch a hole in our skulls and turn us into one of them, right?
When the blazing sun is gone...
When the nothing shines upon...
I try to sit back up, but someone's filled my arms with lead. And I think they've pumped my head full of helium, too. It's so hard to think, Robert, everything's so fuzzy. In a way, it's almost a relief; even the dull ache from behind where my eyes used to be is gone now. Sleep... would it be so bad just to sleep... escape it all... just for a little while...
Then you show your little light...
Twinkle, twinkle, all the night...
Then the traveler in the dark...
Thanks you for your little spark...
No. No, the woman from the speakers is right, Robert, just listen to her song. We can't miss our chance. The traveler will be here soon, like he told us, like he sent the woman from the speakers to tell us, yes. He'll cut a swath through the darkness and we'll make our way back through it.
"We'll take a shuttle. He must have come from the shuttle bay. We'll fly far away together and we'll be safe."
"Y-es. The shuttle... ssafe..."
Hope gives me the strength to force myself upright. My right hand nearly slips; I accidentally placed it right in the middle of the pool of blood surrounding you. When I'm steady again, I raise my hand a short distance above the floor. Plink-drip-drop. Your blood splashes, splashes everywhere especially from your neck I'm sorry about your head Robert oh I mean McCoy I'm so sorry I panicked but they said cut off their limbs and isn't a head just a limb with a brain in it yes it is so don't worry they'll grow you a new head it's all right you're all right Robert, it splashes in tiny drops on the floor, but I know gravity won't do the job for me, and the taste of my own blood in my mouth gives me an idea. I bring my hand up to my mouth and lick my palm, where most of the blood is, slowly and forcefully so I'm sure I'm getting it all. Then I suck each of my fingers dry just like I would if I'd gotten frosting or syrup on them, and finish by cleaning off the back of my hand.
I giggle when I realize what it is I've really done. And to think that only a short time ago I wanted to keep us as whole as I could by holding you, Robert, when instead I could place a part of you inside my own body! How much closer could two people be? I try to stop the giggling, but it's beyond my control now, I'm suddenly giggling so hard I can feel tears coming out, even though the monster inside you got my right eyeball and I took a knife and finished the job after I cut your limbs off and freed you I can feel tears flowing from the empty sockets, and I can't stop giggling even as I bend over your wound and tear a string of flesh off with my teeth and chew it up and the bloody tears are staining my blindfold and finally I swallow and I still can't stop giggling, Robert, I can't stop because I'm making us whole again already.
But then I hear something, and now I do stop. A high-pitched wail, like two pieces of metal scraping ruthlessly against each other - which is, of course, exactly what it is. I'd know that sound anywhere. Don't you recognize it, Robert? The tram! And there's only one reason for the tram to be coming here.
The sound grows louder, but I can hear its pitch dropping as the tram begins slowing down. I find my gloves after a moment of searching and slip them back on. Must appear presentable for our guest, yes indeed, very important. I go back to stroking you, giving your wound one last, slow lick for good luck.
"It's the traveler in the dark... he's come. We can go to the shuttle now..."
Soon, the tram reaches the station, the grating sound dying away. The woman has begun her song again.
Up above the world so high...
Like a diamond in the sky...
A gong, sounding for all the world like a church bell. Then a hiss as the door opens.
"Darling." You sound so frantic.
"Shhhh." And there he is. I can hear his heavy footsteps coming toward us.
"Make us wh-"
"Shhh, it's all right, McCoy," I whisper, nearly forgetting to use your last name. Can't use your first, can't let him know we're lovers. Must keep our secret, like we decided, remember? "He's here. Nothing to be afraid of..." I almost don't manage to get the last word out, because I'm giggling again even as I shake my head to reassure you. I can't help it. We're safe at last, my love.
I raise my head to where I assume the traveler's head is. He's come to a stop now, directly in front of us. It's strange, Robert, but I feel no real sense of relief; I'm a little happier now that he's here, but apart from that I feel much the same as I did
Icanstilltasteyourfleshinthebackofmythroatmylove
before I heard the tram. Maybe it's the sleepiness again. Yes, it's come back... for some reason, now that he's here at last, I feel so tired, but how can I be tired now that I no longer have eyes to close... Or maybe that's just because I never doubted him, him or the woman from the speakers or you, with your plan to go to the shuttle. I never gave up hope, Robert. Aren't you proud of me?
"I knew you would come," I tell him. "Just like you said."
The traveler in the dark gives no response. The sleepiness constricts my skull, pressing in from all directions like a hungry python.
He could not see which way to go... sings the woman, if you did not twinkle so... Yes of course, he wants his present. We may be about to go back, but he will travel on, and he needs an extra light to help him on his way.
"I - I saved this... for you..."
Even talking, the effort it takes to move my jaw up and down and shape my lips and tongue to form the right words and force the air up my diaphragm and out of my mouth, it's becoming almost too much for me to handle, and for just a moment I know I can't do it. My arms haven't been filled with lead this time, they've turned into lead. The present... can't... just want to... sleep...
But then it would all be for nothing, Robert. We would never be whole again. And that knowledge alone is what gives me the strength to place my arm behind you. Next to my hand, I hear insects buzzing.
I am granted a small mercy; my fingers happen to find the present almost at once. It feels like the entire planet below us has been packed into this tiny thing, but you keep me going. I can do anything with you by my side, darling. I lift another small planet - my other arm - and cup it beneath the hand holding the present as I bring them both back around. The next second lasts an hour as I struggle to hold the present out to the traveler.
My left hand is the first to give way. Then the present rolls from my fingers and lands on the ground with a metallic clatter. I expected a deafening crash. After that, I don't even realize my right arm has fallen until my palm slams into the cold metal beneath me. Now my arms are the only thing keeping me upright. I feel them tremble.
I should feel better now. Not only is the traveler here, but now I've given him his present. And my ordeal is over. But I... I feel even weaker than before. And... afraid? Yes. Suddenly I feel so afraid, Robert. It's what I just did. It shook me to know just how little strength I have.
When the blazing sun is gone...
When the nothing shines upon...
That happiness, that glorious happiness that took me as soon as I freed you of the monster inside of you, it's gone now it's left me where is it? And still the traveler remains silent, says no comforting words. He doesn't move, he doesn't speak, just like a corpse, and the comfort he brought me even before he arrived has vanished. We have to get out of here now, Robert. While there's still time. But the traveler's arrival somehow robbed me of my strength. What more does he want of us?
"Can I go now?"
My voice comes out shaky, weak... yes, and afraid, the fear has forced its way into my voice as well. What's happening to me? The woman's song... lullaby... she's not finished yet... the song told me the traveler in the dark was coming, and it was right, but the path of safety he was supposed to clear for us suddenly feels darker than my blindness and we both know exactly what's waiting for us in those shadows don't we Robert don't we Robert don't we?
My arm slides.
But this isn't the way it goes. We make our way out, both of us, and we find our way back and they grow you new limbs and me new eyes and it all goes back to normal, everything can just be fixed in the blink of an eye no matter how bad it gets and this was never part of the deal the traveler's path never closed and my limbs never turned to stone and the woman from the speakers never sang that the sun died and left us here alone, so dark, so afraid.
"McCoy wants to take me... to the shutt...le..."
I feel my arms collapse beneath me. I feel myself fall. But I do not feel my head strike the ground, and I do not see the world go black, because my world is already black. At the end, it seems as if I am left with only my fear and the woman's lonely song. But just before it all leaves me, I remember there's still you, Robert, there's always you and there will always be you because of what I did, because a part of you is inside me now, I made us as whole again as I could and that's good enough, and though you don't say a word as I drift away I can hear the last notes of the lullaby and that's good enough too.
Though I know not what you are...
Twinkle, twinkle, little...
star...