The Flophouse, a twilight fanfic

The Most Shitteous Craptastic Cuddlecock Crack Contest 2009

Title of your entry: The Flophouse (AKA: The Hotel – when it's not so shitteous and craptastic)

Penname(s): NCChris (with the beta'g skills of JaspersBella & Clurrabella)

Pairing: Jasper/Bella

Summary: James wants to eat Bella. Jasper wants to eat Bella. Enjoy! Thanks so very much to Clurrabella & JaspersBella for making this the most craptastic and shitteous oneshot I've ever written.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I just make them shitteous. Rated M, yadda yadda yadda.

We could be perfect one last night

And die like star-crossed lovers when we fight

And we can settle this affair

If you would shed your yellow take my hand

And then we'll solve the mystery of laceration gravity

This riddle of revenge please understand it had to be this way

Stand up fucking tall

Don't let them see your back

And take my fucking hand

And never be afraid again

~Our Lady of Sorrows – My Chemical Romance~

Bella had gone into the hotel suite's sexroom exactly about an hour ago. I am sitting with me back against the closed door and my chin resting on my drawed up knees. The ache in my chest was stronger when she ain't in the room with me.

I sighed softly, listening to her deep even breathing, trying to resist the urge to enter the room and watch her sleep and comfort her and love her to sleep and touch the breastes.

Alice flitted into the room and sat down next to me on the floor. She wrapped a sympathetic arm around my unsympathetic shoulders. The relief from my Bella-induced tension was immediate. Sweet Alice, what would I do without her? Have to use my hand more For decades she had been my buddy, and my source of strength, and sometimes gets me off girl. She, of course, knew where our path to the Cullens would bring us, me to Bella and her to her, as yet unknown, true lover and mate.

I watched her, as she watched me, watching her watch me.

Our family knew very little about our deeply complicated relationship. We loved each other deeply, but we were not in deeply love with each deeply any longer. We stayed together and loved each deeply for decades, but a little less than 18 years ago, Alice had seen the vision that would deeply change all our lives deeply. A young brown haired girl would come into our lives and would change us all deeply, and me deeply outta everybody.

I suppose it would have been funny if it were not so pathetic on her first day at Forks High School when I was literally a bundle of nerves over the girl that would come to mean so much to me. The events of the following monthes were payers in a comedy of errors. At every turn, I was screwed by my brother, Edward. He was convinced that she was his destiny and no matter what Alice or any of the rest of the family said to him, he refused to see reason like the stupid pussy he was. I felt like I was floating on a bed of nails. If he noticed my conspicuous lack of an opinion on the matter, he never let on like the stupid pussy he was. And I wasn't having to tear apart the only family I had had since my change, even if it meant my complete and eternal happiness.

Alice finally had had enough and had decided to take things into her own capable hands. When the tracker had come to that fateful baseball game and locked his sights on Bella, it took every ounce of control I had not to allow my inner G.I. Joe to take over and simply remove the risk to my love of my after life. Alice's calming touch and eye contact alerted me to another option. So, after careful planning on her part, following the tracker's decision to give chase, here I was sitting with beeted breath in a hotel room with the object of my undying and eternal love and devotion; skulking outside her bedroom door, listening to her sleep like some kind of creepy stalker guy.

Alice interrupted my thoughts, with a soft clearing of her voice, "Jasper, you need to tell her the trutf. You cain't moving forward and she ain't eifer without creating the opportunity for your love to blossom to its full potential."

"Alice, my sweet, she lobes Edward. She barely even knows I existed. I'm a sucker to think I could deserves her love which is so pur and innosent."

Alice ain't likin my response and, cupping my cheek in her hand, turned my head so she could look in my eyes angrily.

"Do you remember what you tolded Bella yesterday when we arrived here?" she exclaimed softly.

I look at Alice like she was an idiot. Of course I remembered, vampires remembered everything, but what did that have to do with anything. Alice continued without waiting for my response.

"Jasper, when Bella was feeling worthlessness' and was freaking out about the family last night, you told her she was worth it. Jasper, honey, you are worth it, too. You deserve to be happy with her. If you'll take the chance with her, you're both going to be so very very happy. Talk to her, Jasper, go to her later when she needs you." She finished, kissed my cheek and flitted to the other bedroom, shutting the door securely behind her.

It felt like Alice has really thrown the book at me, like a train wrench gone wrong. What was I to do? What could I do? Turning, I retrieved the book as I resumed my silent vigil outside Bella's door, concentrating on the calming rhythm of her deep breaths.

As I sat, I came to a disturbing conclusion. I, Jasper Whitlock, former Confederate Major and commander of a newborn vampire army, was afraid of little ol' Bella Swan, who's ninty lbs when wet. Said Jasper. This little slip of a human girl had me terrified and tongue-tied. I was hiding behind a false sense of honur and self-sacrifice. That might be well and good and true, but the bottom line was at the end of the day that I was scared shitless.

As I was castigating myself over this disturbing turn of events, I felt a sudden spike in Bella's emotions. I could feel her fixin to throw a fit and hear her tossing and turning in the restraining sheets. I was listening hard carefully, trying to give her time to work through the nightmare on her own. My resolve crumbled when I heard her first agonized cry.

I flew through the door to her side and swooped down beside the bed, gently untangling the sheets from her spazem body and wiping the sweat-dampened hair from her face. She calmed under my gentle touch and my fingers burned from the warmth of her skin. I gently stroked her warm soft cheek with the back of my hand, got off at the sensations of tenderness this woman was invoking in my long dead as a doornail heart. She had stoppeded, and had nuzzled her warm cheek against my cold, hard, hand. She was quiet and resting comfortably again. I removed mehand, and turned to leave her room and resume my vigil outside her door. I ain't sitted in this here room and watch hers sleep w/o her permission, that was too slimy for me and I had had been raised a gentle-man by my momma.

Just before I's reached the doorway, I heard the most beautiful sound.

"Jasper?" she bleeted softly, her voice still husky and thick with sleep.

"what cha want, my little succulent lamb." I cawed, just as quite like, not wanting to pull her fully from her fitful slumber.

"What's matter? Why is you leavin', Jasper?" She sniveled.

"Nothing, Bella, my sweetheart. You we're restless in your sleep. I came in to make sure you is OK. I 'ss just bout to head out so I wouldn't disturbed you. I'm so sorry I woked you." I says in response.

"Stay with me for a bit, Jasper. You make me feel very safe and I don't wanna to have any more nightmare," she whispered, knowing I'd hear.

"As you wish, darlin'," I shrugged crossing back over to her, and sinking down ,to my knees beside her bed.

"Don't be silly, Jasper. You'll be more comfortable sitting on the bed wouldn't ya? I'd be more comfortable with that, too." She winked, dropping the last part to no more than a whisper of breath – that she hoped I wouldn't understand.

I paused a moment, sampling her emotions in the stillness of the dark ass bedroom. She ain't lying; I coulds feel her relief that I was here. She felt secure with me and under the security blanket of her emotions, there was an adoration I surely didn't deserve and mixed with the adoration was a flicker of desire and adoration, quickly stoppin as she took in my expression. The barest hint of hope flickered in my chest. Perhaps she was drawning to me as I was to her.

I followed her gaze up and down, left and right, like a cat following a torch, as I tried to work out if she wanted this. I found my answer. And I decided to stay quiet as I rose and removed my shoes and top shirt, pulling back the security blanket back. She scooted over on the bed to make room for me to lie comfortably as she had been laying on the middle of the bed, and there wasn't enough room for me in the side of the bed, so Bella moved over and I crawled over her to the right hand side, while she layd on the left hand side, giving me space to lie. I stretched my lanky frame out on the bed, tucking my hands comfortably behind my head.

She then proceeded to shock the hell out of me by rolling to her side and snuggling into my chest. And I took a shuddering breath as her warmth flooded my senses.... I couldn't help but marvel at the fact that for the first time in my very long ass life, a human's blood didn't make me thirsty in my throat like normal. Her exotic floral scent flooded my nose and a low purring growl slipped from my lips before I could contain it – control it and condemn it. She responded by snuggling deeper against my side and tucking one of her legs between mine own.

"Jasper, what is this? I can't explain how I feels with you…"she sighed, "Please don't think that I'm a brazen hussy…I must seem like such a slutty Salley to you, but I'm tired of fighting against how I feels." She yawned. "And Alice told me to stop hiding my feelings around you; she said I needed to tell you the truth and shit."

Her heart was thundering loudly in her chest and nervouswas flooding from her to me, in thick floods waves. She was flustered and embarrassed by her heartfelt revelation.

I was stunned and amused; that damned little pixie, shucks, her kindness was enough to make my dead heart beat. I was going to owe her big time. I wondered briefly if she still wanted that yellow Ford Taurus.

As I was pondering the right way to respond, I yawned and slowly stretched dropped my arm lightly across her shoulder and began to trace light circles on her arm. She shivered in response and I almost snatched my hand back before I felt her desire spike. She recoiled in a moist horror. My own began to build as I allowed myself to hope for something more with the beautiful brunette in my arms.

"Uhmm, Jasper? Could you say something, please? I just put a lot out there…" she murmured, her voice trembling slightly.

I'm trying, I'm trying

To let you know just how much you mean to me

And after all the things we put each other through and

I would drive on to the end with you

A liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full

And I feel like there's nothing left to do

But prove myself to you and we'll keep it running

~Demolition Lovers – My Chemical Romance~

"Golly gee whiz, darlin', I sorry. I'm just a little bit shocked…" before I could even continue my thought, I felt the crushing waves of worthlessness flow from her.

Oh no, I couldn't have her thinking that I didn't feel the same.... I feel the same.

I gently but quickly tilted her head up to look into her brown shit colored eyes.

"Bella, I said I was stunned, not that I didn't feel the same way... I feel the same way. I want to be with you, Bella, if you'll have me. I told you that you were worth it, darlin', and I meant it in every way."

Her large round chocolate orbs, which held the emotional pool of Bambi ,widened slightly and I felt her pulse quicken slightly, as what I said sunk in and the reality of our closeness registered slightly. Then she did it, she brushed her lips softly across mine. Angels wept and choirs began to sing. I was lost at that moment in her doe like features. She pulled back and then brushed them lightly again.

"Oh, deer, you taste so sweet." I whimpered.

Can't pretend that you're nothing special

You've got to look at all of your options

You can't decide what to go for

When it's all about trust

It's all about trust

This coverage, your centre spread

Your neon light daydream will shatter and break

And if you think I'm thinking of your value here

You're the one

You're the one who's losing control

~Red Is The New Black – Funeral for a Friend~

This time I was ready and I wound my hand into the hair at the nape of her neck and pulled her flush against me. I had been dreaming of this moment since I layed eyes on her eyes months ago; and God, she was so sweet. I almost wept at her taste. It was better than anything I had ever tasted before; in my human life or in my vampiric existence.

I was meowing deep in my chest now and I could hear her moaning and groaning of pleasure as we explored each other... Lord how I wanted her!

After a moment, I pulled away to let her breath and ran my nose instead along her delicate jaw, inhaling her scent again. I would never tire of it but at this point, she did need a bath and I hoped she would allow me to enjoy it over and over again and again and again and again.

"Bella, I ain't lived no life to be proud of. Are you sure you're making the right decision with me?" I whispered, terrified of her answer but needing it just the same. But I needed to know, is all.

"Jasper, what's past is past. You can tell me about it later. I hope you'll trust me with your story, but I now who you are know and you are a good man, my man,,, I hope." She replied, pushing a wave of love and adoration towards me.

I gently took her lips with mine again and pushed a bit of my love to her through our joined lips. She gasped and I could smell her desire and arousal. She trembled in my arms and sighed my name. I broke our contact and smiled against the soft warm skin of her neck as she groaned her displeasure.

"Darlin', if we don't slow this down, I ain't gonna be able to stay a gentleman with you."

"Did I ask you to be a gentleman, Jasper? I need to get layed," she sighed, arching her neck to give me better access.

I frozed and lifted my head. How did I get so lucky? Not only did she want me, but she wanted me with the same passion that flowed from me to her as from me to her and back again and she was a virgin, yeehaw.

"Bella, you ain't gonna change your mind, are ya?" I asked, my voice shaking slightly from the emotion.

She didn't respond, but instead sat up and pulled her tank top off and over her head. Then, again seeing my stunned expression, she smiled slightly and brought my cold hand to her soft breast. My eyes rolled back in my head as the warmth of her body soaked into me.

"Please, Jasper. I want you. Make me yours," she murmured, running her hands underneath the hem of my shirt, and molesting my tight ab muscles.

I quaked under her touch, and allowed her to pull the shirt up, and over my head. The shirt floated gently towards the ground mounting her now discarded undergarments. I watched as the sleeve rested suggestively of the cup of her pink filled lace panties, as they joined together as one.

I felt her confusion as her hands encountered the first of mine own scars.

"Jasper? What happened to you?" she squeaked.

I paused a moment, not wanting to explain everything tonight, but knowing that she deserved to know who I really was before proceeding with the proceedings, cause I really wanted to get layed first.

"My life has not been all butterfly kisses and puppy dogs, Bella. I'm no night in shimmering Armoural. Them scars are a piece of my story." I replied, hesitation coloring my reply.

"One day you'll tell me, but not tonight, alright. Tonight it's just you and me, And ain't about no ghosts of the past," she replied softly, kissing a scar in the center of my chest where my heart would beat if I were human.

Her tender touch and attention to my imperfections tripped a switch inside me. I would love this woman forever and I prayed that she would give me the opportunity to show her that.

I pushed her back onto the bed and covered her with my body, bracing myself on my forearms as I stroked her soft warm skin, eliciting moans and sighs from her even as my own purring began to rumble in my chest.

She wore only a thin blue cotton pair of panties and I desperately wanted to get in them.

"Jasper, are you trying to figure out how to sweet talk me out of my lacy french garment?" she giggled.

"Well, darlin', I do have a few good pick-up lines." I teased, continuing my lazy exploration of her body.

"Mmmm, such as?" she replied; only half focused on what I was saying.

"It's not my fault I fell in love. Your emotions are what tripped me." I replied, cheekily.

"Oh, Jasper, that's really bad honey. Don't worry though, even with bad pick-up lines, you're getting lucky tonight," she managed to squeak out between giggles.

"Oh darlin', I will not be the only lucky one tonight," I drawled, listening to her heartbeat as it began to race again in her chest as I pulled the offending piece of cotton down her legs and added them to the growing orgy on the floor.

The scent of her arousal permeated the room and venom briefly flooded my mouth. I swallowed thickly and began to make my way down to her throbbing heated core with my icy wanting tongue.

"Bella, I really want to taste you. Can I, darlin'?" I asked, looking up for her approval before beginning.

She nodded said "Fuck yeah" and tossed her head back with a low moan as I began to lavish her heated sloppy fold of her heated core with attention from my granite tongue. It didn't take me long before I could feel her ecstasy getting ready to peak as her peaks pebbled against my twisting fingertips and her sweet arousal liquids seeped from her heated core into my waiting mouth. I knew I needed to prepare her for my big massive twat hammer, so I slipped a finger into her heated core and couldn't hold back my own moan when it mingled with hers. She was throwin her back up and pressing against me with each thrust of my marble touch into her heated core.

I pulled back from her as she continued to near her peak. She groaned at the loss of contact, but quickly stilled when she felt me at her entrance of her heated core.

"Bella, are you absolutely sure, darlin'? I don't want you to regret nothing." I asked, looking into her doe like eyes.

"Jasper, what do you feel from me? Do I feel unsure? I know that this is right. For whatever reason, we were supposed to be together. I'm ready, especially since I ain't getting any from your uptight frigid brother" she replied simply, lacing her fingers in my hair.

I nodded and slowly began to push into her sopping wet heated core. When I could feel her barrier, I stilled and glanced at her again. She nodded and whispered,

"It's OK…it'll hurt, but you're worth it, oh so worth it and I need some hot Jazzy loving."

An intense burst of love flared in me as I cracked through her barrier and seated myself fully inside her warm wet heated core. She cried out and a few tears began to leak from her eyes. I licked them hungrily away from her eyes and murmured my love to her, careful not to move until I felt her pain recede, never taking my eyes off of her eyes while her eyes were on my eyes and our eyes held each other's eyes.

After a few moments, I moved within her and was rewarded with her breathy grunting in my ear, reminding me fondly of the pigs of my human youth. After that, everything blurred into a haze of pleasure as my marble length plunged over and over and over and over and over into her heated core. I could feel hers rising and getting ready to burst out of her like an alien and sent her mine in return until every twitch within her and brush of her lips against mine brought us closer to completion. As we fell over the edge together, plummeting over the ledge like werewolves cliff diving, I heard her shout my name even as I cried out hers. It was the most perfect experience of my 165 years old and I'd tapped a lot of bitches in those years, let me tell you.

The consequence of adultery

As he rips you from your skin

We're all paying for this and in your prayers

You believe, you believe

Tasting you for the first time, just to breathe you in

Breaking you for the first time, bathed in sin

Bathed in sin

Moments forever faded, will burn you tonight

~Moments Forever Faded – Funeral for a Friend~

Afterwards, as we layed in each others' arms still tethered together with my granite disco stick, I petted her hair like a kitten and told her that I loved her. I felt her joy seep into my very bones as she replied that she loved me, too. I didn't know how all of this would play out. Edward would be pissed, and probably yank my dick off and bury it in Antarctica or try to feed it to a polar bear, but the others would only want us to be happy.

Bella snuggled into my side and I stroked her hair as she slept. She was my mate, my little lambkins. I had finally found my mate and there was nothing that could separate us now...my mate, mine, mine, mine, no one else's, my mate.

Sometime that next morning, Alice knocked lightly on the door. Bella was still sleeping, since I was careful to keep her unconscious after her vapid pillowtalk made me want to drain her, so I slipped out of her warm wet love mitten and the bed, carefully tucking the covers around her sleeping form before tugging on my jeans and quietly leaving the room.

"Congratulations, Jasper, you got layed. Nice work, studmuffin. You will be very happy together, Jasper. One big happy family, just so happy that we will all be happy, even Edward will be happy once I molest his prudey ass. I need to tell you about a disturbing event regarding the tracker. Jasper, he's here in Phoenix, Jasper. Here's a pitcher of the room he's in, Jasper."

As I took the pitcher from her, a pair of warm arms snuggled themselves around my waist and Bella peered around my shoulder. Damn, bitch was awake again.

"Why did you draw a ballet studio, Alice?" she asked, confusion evident in her voice.

"You know of this place, Bella? You been there before?" I asked, concerned immediately.

"Well, it looks a lot like the studio near my old house where I used to take lessons as a kid. I haven't been there in years, cause I'm such a clumsy fucker, but the arch in the doorway is exactly the same. Is everything OK?" she replied.

"Bella, we're going to leave. The tracker has found out were in Phoenix. It's not safe here anymore. The rest of the family is on their way now, so we're going to pick them up and you and I are going to go far far far away. I will keep you safe, darlin', and far far away. He ain't going to hurt you." I replied, squeezing her tightly to my side and breathing in her scent.

"OK, Jasper, I need you to come down with me and get us checked out, cause I'm just a girl and I can't do it by myself. That's mans work. Then we'll head to the airport. If that's OK with you boo." Alice said, stopping to kiss Bella's cheek, "Bella, go ahead and get your crap together, we'll be back up in a bit to get you."

Thirty minutes later we were finished off and riding the elevator back up to our room to get Bella and head to go to the airport. I was immediately concerned, I couldn't feel Bella inside the room and that shit just don't happen cause I'm one powerful fucking mood manipulator.

As I burst through the door, the first thing I saw was a single sheet of hotel stationary folded one in half with my name scrawled across the front in Bella's chickenscratch printing. Damn, you'd think she could at least write like a normal human.

My dearest Jasper,

Please try to forgive me for leaving you this way. He's got my mother. I can't let Renee, suffer in my place, even though she probably deserves it for being a crappy mom. No matter what happens, please, know that I have no regrets, and I truly love you and your marble cock. Please thank Alice. Without her, I might never have had the courage to tell you how I felt and I'd die a virgin which would totes suck. Take care of them all for me, if I can't be with you again cause I'm dead and such.

All my love until either I'm dead or see you again, whatever,

Bella

A vicious growl erupted in my chest as I read the note. Goddamn it, Bella!, what the fuck is her problem? James is going to get to taste her blood before I do!

"Alice, what can you see? Where has she gone? Is she OK?" I barked.

"Jasper, he's got her or will have her soon. She'll be in that ballet studio. He's tricked her, Jasper, he doesn't have her stupid mother. Run, Jasper Run like the fucking wind! I'll get the others and we'll be right behind you, Jasper."

I ran…thank God for the cloud cover. I could smell her blood as I burst through the doors of the studio. James was just pulling back his arm back to bitch smack her again, when I ripped it at the socket. James was tough though and we were soon grappling with each other. Bella was whimpering and moaning as she lay broken and bleeding on the floor.

Suddenly, I hear her heartbeat stutter. She was bleeding too much, all that blood, sweet precious succulent blood was wasting away on the floor. She was going to die. My vision went red with rage and I ripped into the worthless piece of shit writhing in my arms. Finally, I severed his greasy haired head from his good for nothing shoulders and tossed him in a heap on the floor. He would be burned soon enough, but for now, Bella was my priority...

Her heartbeat was soft and slow, skipping more beats than were normal. I ran my hands slowly down her legs, coping a feel at her mound on the way down, feeling where the artery had been severed. I quickly whipped my belt off and fashioned a rough tourniquet form it, slowing the flow of blood from the wound not wasting a single door of blood flowing fast any more

"Bella, baby, stay with me. I can't lose you. I just found you, darlin'," I sobbed, trying and failing to keep calm and cool.

Up to my neck

When I'm breathing without you

Up to my eyes

And I'm seeing without you

Without you

We'll start a fire

And burn some bridges

And make it out of here tonight

Timing, timing is everything to me

Please someone help me

I'm dying here in front of you

Please someone help me

~Escape Artists Never Die – Funeral for a Friend~

"Jas…love…you…so…sorry, crap, I fucked up" she whispered.

WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE REST OF THE FAMILY? I needed Carlisle here…stat. He could help her, stat. I listened horrified as her heart slowed further. The incessant buzzing of my cell phone, pulled me away, for a moment. Flipping it open, I saw a text message from Alice. Well at least if Bella croaked, I could still bang her.

J-

Were on our way, but she'll die if you wait... Bite her, Jasper. It's the only way to save her. We'll be there soon, but not soon enough... You can do this, Jasper, bite her.

-A

I had never bet against Alice before, I wouldn't start now even if she was crazy as a shithouse rat. If the only way to save Bella was to turn her, I would find the will to do this. Leaning down I whispered in Bella's ear, asking her for permission and telling her she would always have my love. She nodded her agreement, but I noticed with alarm that her eyes were unfocused and starting to fade as her precious blood continued to leak out of her body onto the hardwoods. I growled at the thought of her precious tasty edible elixir being wasted.

Without further ado, I turned her head as gently as I could, and allowing my venom to pool in my mouth, sank my teeth deep into her neck. She was too weak to cry out, but I felt her love for me in that first pull of her sweet blood. I ripped myself away, from her after pushing a mouthful of venom into the wound. I repeated the process at her wrists and ankles and then her boobs. Once all the bites were completed and sealed, I licked her other oozing wounds and remarkably heated core to seal them and gathered her writhing body in my arms.

As I sat rocking her, the rest of the family arrived, Emmett and Edward made quick work of Jameses remains and I carried Bella to the backseat of the waiting car. In 3 days, she would awaken and we would never be parted again. I held my love in my arms and whispered all my dreams for our life in her ear., we'd get laid everyday and eat lots of mountain lions. Fuck you, Eddie boy!

I ain't left her side for 36 hours and she really needed a bath. For the full 2 days Alice assured me that she would wake very soon. I hear her heart begin its final torturous beats and then silence...

She opened her eyes and immediately squeezed my hand.

And in my hand our blood recovered

And for our faith we're underserved

And in my hand our blood recovered

And in your faith completely

Do we wait all this time

And follow blindly hating

Killing all that we survey

~Waking Up – Funeral for a Friend~

"Bella, darlin', are you OK?" I asked softly, not wanting to startle her with loud noises, such as my voice.

She turned to look at me and a massive wave of love and lust washed over me. Damn, bitch was horny!

"Your mine, mine, mine, all mine, no one else's just mine. Mine I say" she murmured.

"Forever, my little lamb chop mate" I agreed, leaning over to kiss her softly.

Everything in the world had gone and righted itself in that moment. Bella was alright and would be with me forever and ever and ever and ever. I would never ever never ever ever have to wander this life alone again without my mate and neither would she as we had each other as mates, for all eternity and forever and ever.

The End Forever and Ever and Ever and Ever…my little mated lambs

Jasper's pick up line was courtesy of Twilight Anonymous. Check out all the Cullen men's pick-up lines at http://twilightersanonymous(dot)com/top-ten-tuesdays-jaspers-top-ten-pick-up-lines(dot)html and follow the links for the other Cullens.

Make sure to let me know how truly shitteous and craptastic this was and thanks to JaspersDestiny for hosting the contest!