Somewhere Only We Know
The sun rose blood-red over the castle, slowly pulling back the curtain of a long, dark night. The veil of death and destruction that had descended upon the school began to lift into the dissipating fog. A soft breeze blew away the reminders of battle, leaving behind only the heartbreaking truth: Hogwarts had lost its leader, its heart and soul. War had come to the very halls of the sacred institution and had scored a devastating victory. The world had changed overnight—again.
A lone man walked across the silent grounds, scuffed boots trodding well-worn paths that he knew like the back of his hand. The grass beneath his feet was wet with morning dew as he made his way down to the lake, where he stopped to stare across the glossy black surface. A sense of wholeness washed over him as small waves rippled across the water in the morning breeze, memories of his past filling the empty void of his future.
"I like Wolfman," said Sirius, lounging against the beech tree on the shore, his Charms book discarded at his side. "It's cool and confident."
"Bit obvious, too," murmured Remus. "Not to mention taken. I'll pass. What about yours?"
"Seeing how much you like sneaking about the castle, how about Padfoot?" called James from the water's edge. He skipped a rock across the lake, watching it score circles across the still water. He turned and gave them a grin; Sirius was eyeing him skeptically.
"Padfoot, really? That's the best you can come up with?"
James shrugged and turned back to the lake. "Fits your form."
"He's got a point," said Peter. He was drawing idle circles on the parchment in front of him instead of writing two feet on the use of Cheering Charms.
"You're one to talk, Ratboy," said Sirius, grinning at Peter and lobbing a beech nut at him.
"I already said I prefer Wormtail," Peter replied without even looking up as the nut missed his head. "It sounds more like a nickname and less like some sad Muggle superhero."
James snorted from the shore. "What's so funny, Antlers?" called Sirius.
"I'm just picturing Wormtail fighting crime," he replied without turning around. "And how about Prongs instead? Also much less obvious."
"You're a stag, Potter, not a fork."
"I like it," said James, sounding defensive.
"I do too," said Remus, and Sirius just shrugged. "Three down, now mine."
Peter finally glanced up from his scribbles. "How about Moony? I like Moony."
Remus nodded. It felt right, as if it had always been there, just waiting to be found. "Moony it is. Thanks, Wormtail."
Remus Lupin continued quietly around the lake, shoulders hunched not against the morning chill, but the small signs of battle around him, grim testament to their greater loss. Hagrid's hut was still smoldering, the blackened roof sad testimony to the destructive power of the Death Eaters who had not only managed to penetrate the castle's defenses, but escape as well, wreaking havoc as they fled.
He avoided the Astronomy Tower, refusing to even look at it. He simply couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that Albus Dumbledore had fallen to his death there. Even worse that it had been at the hands of someone who was supposed to be one of their own. How were they supposed to go on, without him? He had been their leader, the guide, their light in the darkness. Who could they trust? Who would they follow?
"I assure you, Mr. Lupin, Remus will be safe at Hogwarts."
John Lupin blew out a frustrated breath. "It's not Remus I'm worried about, Headmaster. It's the other students. How can he live in a castle with hundreds of other students when he transforms into a very dangerous creature every month? How can he share a house, a dormitory, a common room?"
Remus just stared down at his feet, too embarrassed to face anyone. His father was right: he was dangerous and he knew it. It had only been a dream to go to Hogwarts. They had been shocked to get his letter and had immediately turned it down. Professor Dumbledore had visited them personally to convince them otherwise.
"We know when the full moon will come, Mr. Lupin," said Professor Dumbledore, setting down his cup of tea. "We will simply make sure Remus is in a safe, contained place away from the other students during his transformation."
"How will you keep them from finding out?" asked his mother. "How will you keep him safe from them—their taunts, their spells, their hatred?"
Remus almost didn't care what others might say if he had the chance to go to Hogwarts like a normal wizard. He held his breath, waiting for the Headmaster's answer.
"Hogwarts holds many secrets. We can deflect attention from Remus well enough, and we will not tolerate any kind of prejudice against anyone should it become known. Remus?"
He glanced up into sharp blue eyes, meeting their direct gaze as well as he could. "Yes, sir?"
"Do you want to come to Hogwarts?" Dumbledore asked him, his voice kind but serious.
"Yes, sir. I do," Remus replied, hoping his voice sounded more confident than he felt. "More than anything."
"Then you shall. I promise."
The Whomping Willow stood strong, undamaged by the chaos in the castle. Remus sighed as he stood before it, the memories once more overwhelming. He suddenly felt old and tired and very much alone. Where once Hogwarts had been his home, the very center of a life he had never thought to live, now it was only a grim reminder of all that he had lost. For all the joy he had once felt roaming these grounds with his friends, now he only felt numb.
Still, he was drawn to something, dark memories that even though they hurt, he clung to because the pain sometimes seemed to be all he had left. The logical part of his mind told him not to go, not now, when he was so obviously suffering; another part urged him on, desperate to feel something, anything, even more pain and loss. He made his way toward the old tree.
"How has your first week been?" Professor Dumbledore asked quietly. He led them through the main entrance and across the lawn. Remus could feel the pull of the full moon, the subtle, awful changes that always signified his transformation. He swallowed nervously. It would be his first time away from home during the full moon, and he was scared.
"Brilliant, sir," he replied as steadily as he could. Dumbledore gave him a sideways glance and a soft smile.
"And the others in your year? Have you made friends with them?"
"Yes, sir," he replied. "At least, I think so. They're decent enough blokes." He blushed. "I mean, people."
"Good," said Dumbledore. "I think for now, though, we'll want to keep things quiet. Do you agree?"
"Of course, sir!" Remus exclaimed. He dreaded more than anything what might happen if Sirius, James, or Peter found out about him. They were some of his first friends in years.
They neared a large, misshapen tree, and Remus gazed up at it, puzzled. "I'm afraid I still don't understand."
"Follow me, Mr. Lupin," replied Professor Dumbledore. "We have arranged for you to have a safe transformation off the grounds, yet still connected to the castle by this secret passage…"
Remus stared at the tree once more, then cast a quick spell, quieting its restless branches. He walked slowly toward the tunnel beneath, slipping easily beneath the tree roots into the dark ground. It was much more cramped than he remembered, but then he was a different man now, not the eleven-year-old boy who had made the long journey through the darkness month after month to suffer alone for so many years. Unable to stand upright, Remus hunched over and made his way through the shadows, his eyes adjusting to the inky blackness around him. He shook his head as cobwebs floated about him, grim memories of the past clinging to their filmy threads.
At last he stepped into the dilapidated ruins of the Shrieking Shack. For a moment he just stood and stared, shocked at the years of accumulated dust. The footprints and scuffmarks from his last visit three years past were barely visible in the dim light of his wand. It was as if this part of his life had once more been buried, hidden beneath layers of dirt and grime. He shook his head and sneezed as he walked toward the stairs that would lead him up to the bedroom.
"There's a last time for everything," murmured Sirius, glancing around the dirty, wrecked furniture of the small cottage. "Time to say good bye to your hellhole, Moony."
Remus nodded, eyes bright. "It could have been worse, these last few years, if not for you lot."
"We'd do anything for you. You know that, right?" Sirius slung his arm around Remus's shoulder. Peter nodded in agreement.
Remus laughed bitterly. "How about finding me a job? A flat? Someplace to transform next month?"
James turned around, four bottles of Butterbeer in his hands. "It's already taken care of. We'll meet at my place every month. There's a shed out back you can use." He passed the bottles around.
"And you can shack up with me in the meantime," added Sirius. "My flat's big enough for all of us if need be." Remus stared at them in bewilderment. He didn't want to live off his friends' charity and opened his mouth to protest.
"No arguments, Moony," said Sirius. "It's done."
"I still need work," Remus pointed out. "To pay my part."
"I'll cover you 'till your on your feet," said James with a small smile. "You'll find something. You're too good a catch to waste on the war." He said the last with a bitter sarcasm, and Peter glanced up with an anxious look on his face.
"Was Dumbledore really serious about this Order of his?" asked Peter. He took a bottle of Butterbeer and stared into its liquid depths. "About joining? Fighting?"
James nodded, his eyes troubled, but Sirius grinned almost enthusiastically. "I know I will. Gives me a reason to wipe the rest of my family off that damn tapestry."
James frowned. "They're still your family. Are you sure you want to fight them? Fight your own brother?"
Sirius didn't even blink. "They aren't my family anymore. You are. And I say fuck any so-called Dark Lord who is going to threaten that."
Remus felt something prick behind his eyes again and blinked. "I agree," he said, offering his bottle for a toast. "To family."
"To family," they echoed.
Nothing had changed in the shack since the fateful night that he had found Harry with his wand raised against Sirius, only another layer of dust. It seemed like just days, not years, had passed. As he gazed around the bedroom, Remus could almost picture it happening before him: Sirius, dirty and disheveled, grey eyes wide as he stared at the wand held to his throat. Sirius, escaped from Azkaban as if back from the dead. Only Sirius wasn't the one who had truly returned from the dead that day: Peter had. Peter with the biggest secret of all, the one no one ever suspected. How had he kept that secret, when they'd never hid anything from one another?
"We know, Remus," said James softly. "We know where you're going."
Remus stopped, his hand on the door, shoulders stiff. He did not turn to look behind him. "You don't know anything."
"We do," said Sirius. Remus could picture him standing next to James, grey eyes filled with compassion. "We know why you leave every month."
"You don't know what you're talking about!" Remus shouted, turning on them, his hands balled into fists at his side. Peter stepped up to James's other side, all three watching with liquid sympathy in their eyes, pity hiding disgust.
"You're a werewolf," said James. Remus growled low in his throat and lunged at James.
"Fuck you, Potter! You don't know what you're talking about!" He rained blow after blow on his best friend, suddenly blinded by fury and shame and the desperate feeling that he was about to lose everything now that they knew.
Peter grabbed him from behind and pinned his arms behind him, silently holding him back. Remus could have easily shook him off, but stopped and let his head fall to his chest, breathing heavily. Sirius helped James stand; he had a split lip and his hair was even more messed up than usual.
Remus raised his eyes and looked up into their faces, wanting to see anything but pity there—hatred, anger, fear. But he didn't, and it almost broke his heart because he couldn't dare to hope. Peter let go of his arms and stepped around him, and they all stared at one another for a long moment.
"So what now?" Remus finally asked, his voice cold and distant.
To his everlasting surprise, James wiped the blood from his mouth and grinned. "I hate drawing the short straw," he said. "Now are you going to tell us how it happened or not?"
Hearing a sound behind him, Remus spun around, wand raised and ready. Nymphadora Tonks jumped back with a small yelp, inelegantly tripping over a broken chair and landing in the dust with a vehement curse. Remus immediately bent down and helped her up. She gave him an exasperated look.
"You scared the daylight out of me," she said, running a hand through her short hair and leaving behind a streak of dust across her brow. "Who did you think I was, Snape?"
Remus shook his head sadly. "Last time I was here, that's exactly who came through that door behind me."
Tonks bit her lip. "Sorry, bad example."
"It's okay," he said softly, turning back to the room and its haunted memories. "It happened."
"Leave me alone, Padfoot. I don't want to talk to you." Remus left the hospital wing, determined to never speak to Sirius again. He had betrayed him in the worst possible way, revealing his secret to the very last person at Hogwarts any of them wanted to know: Severus Snape. Snape was still in the Headmaster's office with James, who had narrowly saved the Slytherin from a bloody fate at the hands of a werewolf who wasn't even supposed to be there.
Sirius caught up and reached out to him. "I'm sorry, Moony. I really am. Just stop and talk to me."
"No." He ripped his arm away and kept walking. Sirius grabbed him again and pulled him into an unused classroom.
"Yes. I want my say." He closed the door behind them and stood there, hands across his chest.
"You don't deserve it," Remus spat. "You're such a sodding tosspot, Padfoot, a fucking arsehole, a bloody—"
He stumbled to an abrupt stop as Sirius raised his eyebrows at him. "Go on. I deserve it."
"You do! You had no right to do that to Snape—to me! What the hell were you thinking? I could have hurt him!"
"I wasn't thinking, not really," Sirius murmured, shaking his head and looking away. "He's such a fucking wanker, Moony, and he was talking such rubbish about you, it was the first thing that came out of my mouth."
"You should think before open it next time," snapped Remus. "You've got us all in trouble now."
"No, I'm in trouble," said Sirius. "You're a werewolf. James is a sodding hero, and Snape is still just a bloody prat."
"He's a prat who knows what I am, Sirius!" Remus exclaimed, his arms flailing. "How am I supposed to live with that? You've ruined everything." He shoved his friend aside, determined to leave; this time Sirius let him.
"I'm sorry," he said, but Remus ignored him, as devastated by his friend's betrayal as he was by upset by Snape's newfound knowledge.
Tonks came to stand next to him, but was quiet as she gazed around the room. "So this is where you transformed?"
He nodded slowly. "Every month, from the first week I arrived at Hogwarts."
She shook her head, her face a mixture of sorrow and sympathy. "It must have been so hard—so lonely," she said softly, walking around the small room.
"At first," he replied. "But by fifth year the others had figured out the Animagus transformation, and it was suddenly more bearable than it had been my entire life."
"Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs," she murmured. "I'm glad they were able to be with you."
He nodded sadly. "Me too, although I didn't think so at the time."
"What?" asked Remus, stopping dead in his tracks. "You're a what?"
"I'm a dog," said Sirius. "A big one. Watch."
Remus stared at the space where Sirius stood. His friend—tall, lithe, human—slowly morphed into something completely different. It was as if his skin were melting, then slowly growing fur and legs, tail and ears. A large black dog stood at Remus's feet, then jumped and put its paws on his shoulders.
"Burdock's hairy balls," Remus breathed. "You're a fucking Animagus."
"We all are," murmured James. Remus glanced at him, eyes wide.
"You're kidding me. You can't be."
Peter nodded. "We've been working on it for ages. I finally got it last night."
"Show me," Remus demanded. His heart was racing, though he didn't understand why. He only knew a sudden, crushing loss: it was yet another thing that set him apart, something they shared that he did not. He was even more alone than he thought.
Peter looked to James, who nodded. He closed his eyes, obviously concentrating. It took him slightly longer than Sirius, but slowly he began to shrink until he was at the floor, a small rat with a long tail, sitting on his hind legs and chittering up at Remus. Remus stepped back, stunned. He looked to James.
James held Remus's gaze the entire time. He disappeared almost instantly, replaced instead by a large stag with a glossy brown coat and antlers. Remus actually stumbled backwards and collapsed onto the bed behind him. A dog, a stag, and a rat stared back at him. He didn't know what to say, what to do.
"What…what about me?" he finally whispered. James immediately turned back. Sirius followed, and Peter right after. Sirius grinned as the other boys joined Remus on the bed.
"You're a wolf, mate," he said. "You've already got your form."
"I'm a wolf once a month," Remus said, staring at him. "Not any time I want."
"And that's what we're going to do, too," said James, throwing Sirius a look. "We're going to transform with you, once a month. Stay with you."
"What?" Remus whispered. "You're mad, you can't do that…" He trailed off when he saw the way they were all looking at him.
"It's why we did it, Remus," said Sirius, and his joking manner was gone. "We did it for you."
Remus shook his head. "I was so angry at them," he murmured, the ghosts of the past flitting around the room. That was where Sirius had once pinned him under his great paws, where James had once held him at bay against the wall. There were memories everywhere, memories only he could see now.
"Why?" asked Tonks, taking hold of his hand. "Why were you so mad at them?"
"I thought they were completely mental," he said. "They put themselves in such danger, month after month."
"They were your friends," she said.
"They were my family," he whispered. "And now they are gone."
Tonks narrowed her eyes at him. "Sirius died a year ago, Remus. Why did you really come here?"
"This is where it started, here at Hogwarts, and this room was a big part of that. Dumbledore built it, just for me—to protect me, to keep me safe and give me a chance." He glanced around the room once more, fists balled at his sides. "James is gone, Sirius is gone, Peter is as good as gone…and now Dumbledore is gone too. Who's going to protect us now?"
He regretted saying it almost as soon as the words left his mouth, but it was true. It was what they were all thinking. He couldn't pretend he wasn't either—that he wasn't terrified of the future now, when Dumbledore had been such a large part of his past.
A hand slipped into his, small but warm, and squeezed him tight. "Let's go, Remus. This is not where we should be now."
He just nodded numbly and let her lead him out. They walked back through the tunnel, one behind the other, until they were standing once more beside the old willow. The sun had risen over the horizon, and Remus walked to the edge of the lake, staring once more into its murky depths.
"I am sorry to see you go, Remus," said the headmaster. "You know I will support you should you change your mind."
Remus shook his head and smiled wanly. "You mean you would do your best to support me. We both know that after breakfast this morning there is not much you can do, though. Both parents and students will be calling for my resignation an hour from now. I would rather go on my own terms and make it easier for you."
Dumbledore studied him silently. "You are always welcome back, Remus. You know that."
"And I appreciate it, I do. I appreciate all you've done for me, from my first day here to my last." He held out his hand to the headmaster, who shook it firmly before pulling him into a warm embrace.
"You deserve it, Remus. You deserve happiness. I wish you the very best in all that you do. Please let me know if there is ever anything I can do to help."
Remus nodded, his throat tight, and turned back to his packing. Little more than a year later Dumbledore would be asking for his help, asking him to fight a war he had already fought and lost…
"What are we going to do now, Dora?" Remus murmured, turning toward her with tears in his eyes. "What am Igoing to do now? I can't go back to the werewolves, it'll be over. I can't go back to Grimmauld Place, Snape knows it. I can't come back here, who knows what will happen with Hogwarts now that Dumbledore is gone. I can't—" He was babbling and he knew it, but he couldn't stop the words that poured forth: the fear, the anxiety, the loss. She finally held a finger to his lips.
"Remus, it'll be okay. Trust me." He stared at her, wide-eyed, as she just nodded slowly, and he began to calm down. When he had, she spoke again. "I know this sounds sloshy, but we still have the Order. We have Harry. We have our friends." She paused and looked deep into his eyes. "And we have each other. That must count for something, right?"
He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her head, eyes closed as if he could block out the new day by simply refusing to look at it. "You're all I have left, Dora. That counts for everything."
She sighed, and he felt her smiling against his chest. She was warm and solid, and once again he couldn't believe she had chosen him. Yet she had proclaimed it in front of the entire hospital wing, and Molly Weasley had chided him for his stubborn refusal to accept it. And what had Minerva McGonagall said? That Dumbledore would be glad to see a bit more love in the world?
If love was all he had, then that was all he needed. And it was something he couldn't bear to lose—not again, not if he could help it. He had lost everything, everyone, during the first war, and he did not want to lose her during the next.
He stroked her hair and finally pulled back, tilting her face up to his. "You will marry me, right?" he asked, simply and honestly.
"Of course I will," she replied, her hair turning pink almost instantly. Her eyes were suddenly bright with tears, though she smiled and even laughed with joy. "I thought you'd never ask. Officially, anyway."
"So did I," he murmured back, leaning down to kiss her as more memories flooded his mind...
"I'm going to marry her someday," said James, throwing himself down on the grass next to Sirius. He watched as Lily walked back toward the castle with her friends, glancing once over her shoulder to give him a small smile. Sirius rolled his eyes.
"One date does not a soulmate make," he pointed out. "I'll be surprised if she puts up with you for a month, yet alone for life."
James punched his friend on the arm with a good-natured laugh. "You're just jealous. Don't you want to get married someday?"
"Someday, mate, someday. Right now I just want to finish seventh-year. And there are still a lot of birds left to shag before I leave this place." He winked at Peter, who simply rolled his eyes.
"You're one to talk about putting up with someone for life," Peter murmured. "You're lucky we put up with you."
"You plan on getting married someday, then?" asked Sirius, affecting a surprised tone of voice. "Surely not!"
"I have no idea, Padfoot," said Peter, shaking his head. "I can't think past N.E.W.T.s right now." Remus nodded in agreement, which only drew James's attention to him.
"What about you, Moony? Think you'll ever settle down?"
"No idea," murmured Remus. He didn't particularly want to think about it, since the thought of ending up alone for the rest of his life was too painful to consider. Yet it was the stark reality facing him: he was a werewolf. He wasn't sure he would even find a job, let alone someone to spend the rest of his life with.
"Do you want to get married?" James asked, still pressing the issue.
"I think so, yes," Remus finally answered. "But whether anyone will have me remains to be seen." His friends had no response, so he turned the question back on them. "Why so interested in marriage all of a sudden, James? Aren't we a bit young to be thinking about that? It's a long way away, after all."
James looked thoughtful as he gazed out across the lake. "Maybe," he said, picking idly at the grass next to him and playing with it in his hands. "But it's a bit scary out there right now, outside of Hogwarts. It might be good to have someone to weather that with."
"We've got each other," said Sirius. "That's enough."
James nodded and clapped him on the shoulder. "That we do, Padfoot. We've got each other. And the rest of the year to enjoy it."
And just like that things were back to normal.
Only things would never truly be the same. So many years gone by, so many lost. As his eyes caught the reflection of the castle in the water, Remus glanced up at the Astronomy Tower at last. Even as exhaustion and realization began to overwhelm him once more, he felt a moment's peace, a small spark of hope in his heart. Dumbledore had once said something to him, in those dark days after he had lost James and Lily, then Peter and Sirius. He had barely found the strength to carry on, unable to bear so much loss, so much guilt…so alone.
"Mourn for the lives that have been lost, Remus, not for your own. Remember them, but do not forget yourself. You would do them an injustice were you to simply give in to your grief. There is still much to live for."
He had not believed Dumbledore at the time, nor for many years after. Only now, when things seemed even worse than they had during the first war, did Remus finally understand. It was the end of everything, and yet…it was also the beginning. There was still something to live for, after all, and she held his hand tightly as they walked slowly back to the castle, the newly risen sun lighting their path…together.
End Notes:
This story was indeed inspired by the song of the same name. Thank you, Keane, but thank you even more Darren Criss. ;)
This story is dedicated to Lea/Mugglegirlmarauder, because she is such a Remus/Tonks fan. She is also a wonderful alpha-beta: she makes great comments and is willing to listen to me prattle on at any time, day and night. In fact, she even looked this over! And she is a great, fun friend. Thank you for everything!