"So, as you know, the bible and all of its passages were written by men, and are, you know, flawed by human perceptions. Because of this, there are omissions and additions that didn't really happen. Like in Genesis. It looks pretty straight forward. I mean, all god has to do is wave his hands and Bam!-there you have Heaven and Earth. Another wave and Bam-night and day! Again, BAM BAM-water and sky.

Seriously, all of creation covered with a sweep of a hand? It makes it sound like there wasn't even any planning involved. Like I, uh, god farted and everything came into being. I'll let you know creating the very fabric of everything was a very detailed and exhausting job. I mean, what would have happened if one dualistic property had been swapped? I'll tell you, you'd all have gills and night vision. It might sound cool, but trust me, it makes some ugly babies.

And so, on the third day, which weren't really days, but like millions of years, I bet god looked down at all his hard work. I mean, he created this spinning blue planet out of nothing. Nothing! It had sunshine and moonlight. Cool clear waters and clear cool skies. He gave it texture by adding land and mountains, rivers and valleys. For fun he topped it with ice. It was something brand new. Something no other creature or idea had ever made before. And it was god's. I bet he swelled with a sense of accomplishment.

I bet, no, I know, that god got a boner over it.

I mean, it happens all the time. Businessmen talk about getting off on big contracts. Athletes sometimes get wood from playing their sport. All men experience it, but no one talks about it. It just happens. You get this feeling of a job well done. Sure its part exhaustion, part pride, part just tension relief. The next thing you know, you've got a prick sticking out a mile long, and that's just not going to go away by itself. Its just not. So what else could god do?

Looking out over his creation, god took matters into his own hands and rubbed one out. He jerked off, polished his morning wood, spanked his monkey, bleed the serpent, played pocket pool, prayed to the bishop, wanked off, and gave himself the five finger salute. And it was good. All that tension bled off as he came, and came all over his new thing.

And where that god juice landed, life blossomed. Trees and plants; birds and beast. The funny curly mold stuff that grows on rocks. Seeds went out and became fish, from tiny things to whales bigger than anything on land. Others landed and dotted the landscape with rainforests and bamboo fields. Every thing that breathed, ate or was eaten came from that spark.

God came off his post coital bliss and realized what he had done. After the initial panic that he'd ruined the thing he observed the variety and the shape of his creation and declared it good. Unplanned perhaps, but still good.

And with that, god learned to be careful with his gift of life. Insanely, careful. Like tripled wrapped careful, for fear that he would create more Life then even he could ever handle.

Chuck Shurley voice spun out into the moonlit room. He naked laid on his back in bed, with Becky Rosen naked, nestled under his arm, her blonde head resting on his chest. She had listened to Chuck's tale, her passion waning under the somnambulist assault of his words on her ears. She hummed to herself as the last words rumbled out of his chest, and died in the following silence.

"Yeah, great, Chuck," said Becky. "But what does that have to do with us needing a condom even for butt fucking?"

"Always better safe than sorry," said Chuck as he placed a kiss on Becky's head. Then he reach over to the nightstand drawer.