Disclaimer : I own nothing of Kyou Kara Ma-Ou! I swear!!! I wouldn't be able to create something as gorgeous as Wolf-chan if I own it!!! That's why I'm so happy I don't own it…
LONG LIVE ANGST!!!!!!!
WARNING : BAD GRAMMAR, BAD ENGLISH!!! I'm sorry…..
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-Never-
It's hurt.
To know that actually no one cares about you. It's really hurt. Not physically, but mentally. Yes, it's really hurt.
You've learn to masked all your feelings so no one would make fun of you. And you did well. No one ever tried to make fun of you. But it's also hurt… because no one's trying to understand you.
The real you.
You have people you love with all your heart. But you can never told them that you love them, can you? You never show how you really love them, so they never care about you. Never.
You love your mother. Oh, how you love her! You inherited your beautiful face framed by those golden locks from her, you look so much like her. And you really love her. That's why you can never disobey her. That's why you didn't protest at all every time she went somewhere in her love-trip. You didn't even try to seek her attention as a kid usually do back then when you were a little boy. You've always tried to understand her, no matter what the circumstances are. You knew that she's a demon king back then, and you understood that she couldn't come every night to your room to read you a bedtime story, or at least to kiss you good night. You know that she's too beautiful to stay single as she is now, so you let her go in her love-trip even though you need her advice or her comfort. You understand that she can't give you what you've hoped. That's why, you never hope. You never dare to hope.
But you've given everything you could give to her. Because you love her so much. She's your mother after all.
Still, you don't ask anything in return. You don't even dare to hope that she loves you. Or that she knows you love her.
Can she ever see the real you?
There's a man with long, brown hair that you love very much. 'Aniue,' that's what you always call him. Oh, how you love him! You admire him for his capabilities in politics. You love his calmness and his strong will. Even though he often being harsh to you, but you know fully well that he has a soft side in his heart. You've always loved his knitted dolls since you first see them as a little boy. And you really love him for being your brother. That's why you understood when he refused to play with you because he was busy back when you were little then. As you did to your mother, you never sought any attention from him. And you can never disobey him, either. You often try to argue with him, but you never allow yourself to win over him. Because he's your beloved 'aniue', you told yourself. So, when he told you to just stay at the castle, not to come with the others on mission, you calmed yourself and obeyed, although you've always hoped to be allowed to come. You always hope that you can make him proud of you. But deep inside, you know that it's better not to hope something like that. So you don't dare to hope.
You've shown him your best. You secretly yearn to be good enough so you can help him. You would do anything to make him proud of you. Because you love him very much.
Still, you don't ask anything in return. You don't even dare to hope that he'd be proud of you. You're terrified to hope that he'd love you like you love him. Or that he knows you love him.
Can he ever see the real you?
"Weller-kyo," that's what you always call your half-human brother. You told yourself that you hate him. He's a human! How can you not hate him? But deep down, you know that you'll never be able to hate him. Because you love him too much. That's why you believe in him, no matter what happens, you'll always believe him. Trust him with all your heart. You respect him, of course, and you admire him as the best swordsman you've ever known. Maybe you love him more than you love your mother, or your other half-brother. Because once, you sought care, protection and comfort from him. That was something that you never did to anyone before. But quickly, it became clear for you that he could never give you what you've wanted from him. Then, slowly, he left you because he was busy with the upcoming war. You were terrified when he went to the war, weren't you? That's why you asked someone you barely knew to spread the pretty, blue flowers from the garden. 'Conrad stands upon earth', your mother has told you when she gave the flower name. You hoped that he could come home safely. And he did. You were relieved, so relieved that you didn't lose him. You're always afraid of losing him. That's why you screamed on the top of your lungs when you thought he died to protect your king.
It hurt you when you faced the fact that he betrayed your country, your king, your family, and yourself. It hurt so much. But you still believe him. Trust him with all your heart that there's a hidden meaning in his betrayal. All because you knew that you love him, too much that you didn't even care about his betrayal. You did hope once that he'd give you the love you never had from your mother and half-brother. But now, you know that it's better not to hope for his love, of his care. He cares for everyone, but not you.
You've done everything you can for him, although no one ever know about it. You've trusted him with everything, even though you never let anyone know about it.
Still, you don't ask anything in return. You hide the fact that you want him to have more care of you. You don't dare to hope that he'd care about you more than anyone else. You don't dare to hope that he loves you like you love him. Or even knows that you love him.
Can he ever see the real you?
Your king is the best king the Mazoku has ever had. Kind, gentle, caring… and other good sides that make even humans obey him with their heart. Your king… who is also your fiancé. You love him with everything you have, with all your heart. For you, he's the only one. That's why you always stand beside him, protecting him with your life, supporting him with everything you can do, advising him although he never considers your advice. Never. It's hurt to know that he cares more about everybody, but not you. Never you. It hurts you to see the denial in his eyes every time he looks at you. It hurts you to know that he'll never notice you, never need you. But you don't care about the pain that have shattered your heart. You told yourself to always be ready for him. That you would fall with him if he fell. It's all because you love him so much. You're scared to lose him. Every time he reveals his other self as the Ma-Ou, you're scared that he'll never come back. Every time he does something that insanely dangerous, you're scared that you won't be able to protect him like you've vowed.
You want him to be happy. Whatever it takes from you, you wish him the best he can get. You never care about yourself if it comes to him. He's your priority. You love him so much that you always put him before you. You yell and call him 'henna-choko' everyday, just because you're afraid to lose him. Although deep down, you know, whatever you do, you will lose him anyway. That's what had happened all the time to you. You always lose something you love to something else. Even so, this time, you can't help but hope that he'll love you back. No matter how many times you remind yourself that it's better not to hope, it's useless. You want him to at least notice you. You know it's impossible, though. Who in the earth can love you, anyway?
You've given him everything. You've done everything. All for him. Your king. Your beloved fiancé who claimed you, but never wants you.
Still, you don't ask anything in return. You don't dare to ask him to love you like you love him, because you know he won't. You don't dare to hope that someday he'll notice you. Or knows that you really love him just the way he is.
Can he ever see the real you?
No, you told yourself. You never let someone to see the real you. Even though it's hurt, even though it shattered your heart and you'll never be able to even try to put it back together. You don't ask anything in return, even if what you ask is just their love. Their care. You understand perfectly that they have important things to take care of. Things that, for them, are more important than you. They never have any time to care for you. There are people, there are things that are more important than you. And you told yourself not to bother them. All you can do is masking all your emotion, replacing them with selfishness and anger. Because if you don't do that, you'll completely broken.
It's the only way to protect yourself.
No one will ever see the real you.
Not a single person of your beloved people will fully understand how much you love them.
And you don't care. You never hope for happiness of being loved. You know it's better not to hope. Even though it hurts, you still love them. And you will always be.
That's why when you can't take it anymore, You just lay on your bed and let the beauty of Death comes, smiling at you, greeting you. Taking you away. You just smile and close your eyes, finally letting the salty liquid beneath your eyelids running down your cheeks. Even in the cold embrace of Death, there's no one care for you. No one stand on your side. No mother who kisses your forehead for the last time. No fiancé who holds your hand and kisses your lips lovingly to say goodbye. No brothers who smiles soothingly and bid you farewell.
When will you take your happiness, Death asks.
Never, you answers. Never.
And of course, when they find your already cold body, they never understand the meaning of your beautiful last smile.
It's a beauty of giving without asking anything in return.
That's what you call 'love', right?
-fin-
I'm sorry for all those grammar mistakes!!! I really don't know how to put it…. this is my first try in angst fic… bad, huh?? I'm really sorry… it's just… I kept thinking about Wolf-chan and thought, "Man… so sad..poor Wolf-chan…" and ended up writing fic like this!! Please let me know what you think….. please review!!! Pleasepleasepleaseplease….. I beg yooouuuu!!!! THANK YOU FOR READING!!!!!!!!