BTR are miiiiiiiiiiiiine…all mine ! ok I'm kidding, I don't own any of them L….yet..

Chapter 1

-Because I Loved Him-

Everywhere I went, he was there. It was like being followed by the ONLY person I didn't want to be followed by.

Ok, maybe not exactly followed, but I swear, everywhere I went, he was somehow present. Either on T.V or the radio, on windows of music shops, or posters hanged on billboards, or buses. It was just too much for me to handle.

Ok, so maybe he was in a successful band, has a hit T.V show, and girls threw themselves at him, but still, this does not mean i have to see him and remember things i did not need to remember.

But remembering was not a choice. You can not exactly remember what you never forgeot can you?

Everything ended seven years ago and we are no longer 15. we were no longer the two madly in love teenagers that no one knew about. not even his three bestfriends. i was the secret he kept. he would call it his 'favourite secret'. It wasn't like we were forced to remain a secret. but at 15, keeping a part of your life a secret from everyone was exciting. i saw it as an opportunity to live the fantasy of having the 'secret boyfriend' that parents would never know about. and i guess he fullfilled the fantasy of being somewhat the 'bad boy' keeping a part of his life a secert.

But he wasn't a bad boy. He was the sweet, caring boyfriend that i knew i could depend on. I loved him, and he knew. even though some would say we were just kids and we did not know what love was, i honestly believe i loved him. this was why i had to break his heart. because i loved him.

this might not make sense to anyone. but when you see the person you love torn between living his dream and you. The choice had to be done. and i knew that if i did not do it, he wasn't going to. so i did the only thing i had to, i ended it. i ended the one year old relationship that meant the world to me.

Because i loved him

Six years ago

"But Kendall this is amazing" i said trying my best to sound excited. "you love singing. This is your big chance. You have to take it!" i said as i handed him his cup of hot chocolate praying to god he doesn't notice the fact my hands were trembling.

He didn't.

"But this means moving to L.A. " he said looking me straight in the eye. "And this means i won't be seeing you for god knows how long." he said trying to get me to look at the bigger picture.

i was aware of all that. it was all i have been thinking about since he called two hours earlier telling me that the famous producer 'Gostavo' just left his house five mins ago asking him to become his new singer.

"Kendall, you want this. you deserve this." i said. he looked sown at his hands. then up at me again, "but i want you more than i could ever want to become a pop singer."

"And i'm not going anywhere. I'm right here." i said sitting next to him on the couch. "so you go live your dream. And once you become the hot famous singer you deserve to be, come back to me." i said hoping my eyes don't fail me and tears don't fall.

"so you'll wait for he?" he asked pulling my hands into his.

"forever" i whispered looking straight into his eyes.

Now

you are probably wondering what happened. well, fame happened. Once the first episode of the show aired, those guys suddenly became huge. kendall and i still talked everyday but as his responsibilites increased, i noticed how it started affecting him and his work, he would tell me how Gostavo was giving him a hard time because he was always tired and spaced out in the mornings and i knew this was because when he would send them home to get some sleep, he would sneak out to talk to me and we would lose track of time and he would hardly have any time to get some sleep that helps him through the next day. we thought we could handle it and that i could find a way around it but as the tour and concerts came along, he would complain that they don't get enough sleep already yet would make sure to call me everyday. Lack of sleep started affecting him and when he mentioned how he actually messed up the dance move once in a concert and forgot the lyrics on another concert i feared that i would be the reason he fails and get kicked out of the band.

I might have overreacted but i knew what this band meant to him, what singing meant to him and i just could not be the reason his dream comes to an end. So i called him one day while he was on tour and ended it. I knew that the only thing he would believe is if i said i was in love with someone else. Anyother reason he would see right through it. So i lied to protect him. i told him that this long distance relationship was not working for me and that i met someone and he asked me out and i said yes. He was heartbroken but i knew he needed to stay focused on the band. And if the price was breaking both our hearts, this was a price i was willing to pay.

Not much after the break up i once saw an interview with the producer 'Gostavo' online about his new band Big Time Rush and someone asked if 'Kendall' was the leader of the group and once i heard 'Gostavo's' reply, i knew i made the right decision.

"Kendall started out as a great leader, but then he started losing focus and drive. then again all of a sudden, he started building up the desire to work even better than he had started. to the point that i had to literally drag him out of the recording and dance studio. it was like he was forcing himself to work in an attempt to not think or something but with time, he returned to the incredible leader he was.

So i was the distraction that could have distroyed his entire future. and looking back, i admit this was the right choice to do. big time rush split last year but not because the guys had any problems, it was because they realized they needed to persue a solo career now. they were no longer the 16-17 year old boys of a pop group. they were all aged between 22 and 23. They were now men. James was practically all over the place. He sings, acts and model. Logan followed his original dream and became a doctor and Carlos decided he wanted to act. Kendall became a professional Hockey player like he always wanted.

So did we get back together?

No. apparently, kendall was too heartbroken over what i told him that he completely shut me out of his life. i can't say i blame him honestly. I did break his heart. So that night i called him to end everything was the one call where i lost all touch with him.

I would watch him back in the days when he was still a part of the band and i even once went to one of their concerts but stayed hiding in the back. this was because i needed to see him. And he was like a god on stage. This was what he was born to do. And after watching him becoming one of the best hockey players i have ever seen, i realized that this is who kendall is. He was the type of person who puts his heart and soul into whatever he was doing that it comes out looking like he was meant to be doing it. no matter it was singing or hockey.

I managed to go on , so here i am, seven years later, a successful journalist at a respectable newspaper, still single, and about to get pushed into the last thing i could ever possibly need. EVER.