What, don't look at me like that, what? You want me to chase him out to his trailer and give in to his passive aggressive ultimatums. No. Not this time. No. You want to know why? Because despite common belief I do want this, very much. And this, this wont work if I keep letting him treat me like a child. So, at this point, no, no running to him.

I know, I know, you're all freaked, "but Meredith, what if he meets someone else". Far be it from me to be arrogant, but, yeah right – not. Did you SEE Addison, did you meet her, hair, legs, face, attitude.. perfect. And he left her for me. So, yeah, while I am offering him unlimited sex, and a promise of getting ready, do you really think he's going to move on, with, what, the next semi-pretty scrub nurse that shows up?

What you think this is out of character? Where has spineless, avoiding Meredith gone? Not so spineless I tell you. Sure I may be 50 Thatcher's genetics. But 50 of it's Ellis's, plus 95 her raising (or her paid employees). Anyway, I bring 80 of my own Meredithness to the mix anyway. So yeah I know all the clichés, rambling, avoidy, issue ridden Meredith. But how about competent, compassionate, loyal?? STRONG. They work too.

And you know, this thing with us. Derek and I, I mean. It's not a history lesson. I couldn't give a flying toss about who said what, who did which that hurt more or less. All I really want is a breath. A space of time to breathe and be, and return to me. And I don't really care who or what moved me away from me, I just want to get back. But it doesn't stop, with the deaths, the slaps, the yelling, the exams, the ultimatums, the devastated friends, the half sisters… ARGH, I just want to get off the merry go round for a few minutes, and get my breath back. Maybe it's like I ate too much candy floss and I just need to go chuck it up and then my life can resume. But I can't even make it to the toilet and Derek and Lexie are there offering me toffee apples as well.

So, yeah no following him. Not now, not yet. He will wait. If all that McDreamy crap has any validity he will wait. He will dangle and threaten me, and I am getting back to ballsy tough Meredith. And she wont take that crap. So sorry, no panicking here. Sohe's not sure what he will do? So he can find out if he needs to.

But either, he will wait, or he is full of bullshit and I don't care.