Kalinda is not used to this, thinking in terms of 'us' instead of 'me'. She has always been an 'I', always put herself first, it's no longer the case. In fact, if she's true with herself, it wasn't the case long before there ever was an 'us', and it has became acutely so since.
Sure, Kalinda always had people who were closer to her heart, which she'd help with no question asked, without asking anything in return, people she would go that extra mile for.
This, however, is a whole new level for her.
Ever since Alicia Florrick entered her life, it somehow became her mission to protect her. She isn't sure how it happened, even now, thinking back, she can't quite put her finger on the precise moment. One minute she was laughing inside at this woman who came back to work after 13 years of being a stay home mom, who was so lost and naive and out of place, the next she was captivated by this strong and intelligent and gorgeous woman who was so much more than she appeared to be.
She swore to keep her from harm's way, to make sure nobody will hurt her, to help her in any way possible. And she did, for two years she did, but she couldn't protect her from herself.
To be the one to cause Alicia such hurt was devastating. Not to be able to call Alicia a friend anymore was heart breaking. To act as if Alicia doesn't exist and to be completely ignored by her was unbearable.
She still watched over her, but from a distance. Keeping as far as she could but as close as she dared.
She could almost forget what she did when she was away from Alicia, but every time she saw her, every time she saw that hurt in her eyes followed by the resentment, every time Alicia rolled her eyes at her, every such time broke her heart all over again.
Against all reason, she sought those times, wanting to punish herself, needing to feel something, to remind herself it was real.
Time, however, is a miraculous thing, and little by little, things got better. Slowly, much too slowly, painfully so, but they did.
A short nod of acknowledgment when she entered the room. A brief smile at the corner of Alicia's mouth when Kalinda did her 'I'm all innocent and this was obtained in a totally legal way' act to please the partners. A hesitant 'thank you' at the end of a phone call. A truly interested 'you're okay?' when Kalinda had a particularly bad day and forgot to keep her poker face for a few minutes.
Each one of these gestures put a smile on Kalinda's face, a real one, one she didn't let anyone see, it was full of hope, though she dared not hope.
Yet, somewhere between late nights and shared drinks, between working together and trying to form some kind of… something, anything, to see if they could even be friends again, they became something more. More than Kalinda ever thought possible, more than she ever dreamt.
Now Kalinda is a part of 'us', and she really doesn't know how. She does her best, every decision she takes is with Alicia in mind, considering how her actions may affect her. She tries to make her happy, to give her everything. She doesn't feel it's enough, that she's enough.
She hates her insecurities, she's not used to feel that way. Usually she's the strong side in the relationship, the one who calls the shots, who sets the pace. On the surface she acts strong, for Alicia, like she knows where they are going, what they are doing.
She doesn't.
She's scared and confused. She is still half convinced that it is some kind of trick on Alicia's part to get back at her (She knows it doesn't), She fears that if she shows the slightest hesitation Alicia will be out of the door in a second, she thinks she needs to be the anchor.
Even if she and 'us' do not mix.
It 's not fair toward Alicia, throwing her insecurities on her, she makes her feel nothing but loved and wanted. Yet she can't help but think their relationship came with an expiry date from the start. That Alicia will get tired of her sooner or later and she'll be left with nothing but memories. She's almost tempted to finish it now, before she'll get too deep, before it'll hurt too much.
Almost.
There are days she can forget these thoughts, put them in the back of her mind and lock it there. The days she spends alone with Alicia, in their own little world, with no one to disturb their serenity. Those days make her believe in this fantasy, in their happiness, make her think about a future beyond next week, next month…
She'd only ever lived from day to day.
Then there are days like today, she's on her way to Will's office, when she spots Alicia there. They're both looking at some document Alicia is holding, their heads are centimeters apart. He is sitting in his chair and Alicia is leaning on his desk beside him, her hand is on his shoulder for support. It is obvious to her that Will is still in love with Alicia (not that she can blame him really), it is also obvious that Alicia feels comfortable around him, that she doesn't mind the closeness. She can see it in her smile, in the way she holds herself.
She's not jealous, at least not in the traditional sense of the word. She knows Alicia doesn't have these kind of feeling toward Will, not anymore. It just, seeing Alicia with Will reminds Kalinda all the things Alicia will never have while being with her. There'll always be whispers, narrow minded people, comments. Kalinda can't offer her the safety and security Will can, the status and name that come with being married to a successful lawyer.
She never wanted those things, was never bothered by what society might think (mainly because she never gives them enough to think about), she used to live in the shadows, going unnoticed unless she wants to be. But Alicia is not like her, she can't live in hide, she can't be invisible.
She doesn't underestimate Alicia as to think she will leave her because of this, she also not naïve enough to think that Alicia really comprehends how hard it might be, especially on someone like Alicia.
She wouldn't blame Alicia if she wants those things, how can she?
She wants the world for Alicia, and she can't give it to her, so seeing them together makes her heart twitches.
It doesn't help either, when Patti Nyholm approaches her and says "They cute together, aren't they?"
"Yeah", Kalinda murmurs as Patti does her way to Will's office, it's probably the meeting they've been preparing for. Alicia raises her head as the door opens, she sees Kalinda through the door and smiles at her, but Kalinda is already on her way out.
That night Alicia suggests they go out for dinner, Kalinda prefers to stay home and order take out. She hasn't been herself since noon and apparently Alicia can sense that.
"You're ok?", she asks her, "You've been awfully quiet".
Kalinda just looks at her, as if quiet is not her usual state.
"Oh, come on", Alicia says, "You quiet even by your standards, what's wrong?" and she gets up and sits next to her.
"Nothing".
"Nothing? That's it?", she asks, "You aren't even deflecting by sex talk or trying to seduce me?" she tries to tease her, if she were in a different move it would have probably worked too. And Kalinda is again surprised by how well Alicia knows her, she wonders if she became that transparent or if it's just Alicia.
She knows exactly what Alicia is talking about, using sex as a way to distract people from unwanted subjects is one of her favorite lines of action, and it is extra fun with Alicia. It doesn't work that well when the other side expect it, though, and beside she's too tired for games right now so she just shrugs and leans farther into the sofa.
Alicia looks at her intently, she opens her mouth to say something, but then seems to regret it, instead she gets up and holds her hand to Kalinda.
Kalinda takes her hand, she will always take her hand, no matter where it leads, still she asks "Where are we going?"
"Bedroom", is the short answer.
Kalinda freezes, she never had a problem separate sex from emotions, but with Alicia, it's all about the emotions. she can feel the desire in her, even now, even through the waves of thoughts and feeling that been haunting her all day. But she can't do it, not with Alicia, she is too emotionally exhausted.
"Alicia, I…", she starts but Alicia turns to face her, a gentle smile on her face, she put one finger on her lips "Shush, save your excuses for other time, we are just going to sleep" she removes her finger and replace it with her lips, the kiss is short, tender, full of love, not lust. She then brushes her hand on Kalinda's cheek "Come. I think you need it".
They get under the cover, Alicia holding her from behind, she puts her arms over her and intertwines their hands. Kalinda can feel tears falling from her eyes, silent tears, ones Alicia can't hear, can't see in the dark.
She kisses her right behind her ear, in that special place and whispers, "it's okay, I'm here". The tears now fall freely. Kalinda wonders if it is selfish of her being with Alicia, she's not sure she can stop though, and she knows she won't leave, as long as Alicia is here, she will be too.
The next day Kalinda wakes up early, she untangles herself from Alicia, careful not to wake her. It is still early and Alicia doesn't have anything specific planned for the morning, so it's better to let her sleep a little more. (Besides, she really doesn't want to face her right now, she needs a few hours to collect herself, get back on her game).
She leaves a short note, so Alicia wouldn't worry, explaining she has to check something off office and promising to drop by as soon as she arrives.
She sneaks one last look at Alicia, so peaceful in her sleep, barely resists the urge to kiss her (as that bound to wake her up) and wonders, not for the first time, how much time she has left.
It took her longer than she anticipated and by the time she gets to the firm, it is almost lunch. She goes straight to Alicia's office, standing at the door, waving a folder at Alicia.
"I've got something for you", she smirks.
Alicia raises her head from her work "Oh really", she smile, "And what might that be?"
Kalinda takes a seat next to her and Alicia tries to snatch the folder from her but Kalinda moves the folder from her left hand to her right, and put her left on Alicia's knee.
"Oh, I don't mean this", she drops the folder on the desk and wears a smug smile.
"No?"
"Nah, it's just some photos you may need for the trial tomorrow", she says as her thumb draws circles on her knee, "I do think, however, I owe you something from last night", and her hand trails up Alicia's thigh.
"Kalinda!", she exclaims, "not here, everyone could see", and she glances around nervously for onlookers.
Kalinda doesn't plan to do anything, not really, just some fun and games with Alicia, no harm in that. And it is the best way to convince Alicia last night was some minor glitch, nothing to worry about, nothing to mention again.
So she ignores her and moves her hand a little farther "Don't worry, the desk is blocking the view", she reaches for the discarded folder, "we only just discussing trial strategy".
She now leans as if to show Alicia some details in the photos and 'accidently' brushes against her breast.
"Stop!", Alicia whimpers.
She halts her movement, "really?", she ask, a devilish smile on her face.
Alicia sighs in defeat, "No", she admits.
She smiles, she loves Alicia like this, so different from the dignified ideal everyone has in mind, so much more exciting, so much more real.
She keeps going up and down her thigh, drawing shapes and words, but not really getting anywhere.
She glances at her watch and then says in mock surprised "Oh, look at the time, I better get going".
Alicia gives her a look that can kill, "Kalinda Sharma, you are going to pay for this. You just wanted to tease me, didn't you?".
Kalinda get up and goes to the door, "I never just tease", she smiles her most charming smile, but it doesn't impress Alicia very much "Dinner tonight at my place?"
Alicia looks directly at her, her eyes burning with desire "Forget dinner".
Kalinda can feel the wave of arousal through her body and she flushes, she struggles to swallow so she could come up with a clever answer but then realizes it's a lost battle, so she just nods and leaves.
About a week later, they're lying in bed, watching TV, when Alicia suddenly says "I don't think you're jealous".
Kalinda frowns and looks at her, she doesn't understand where this is coming from.
Alicia sees her confusion and adds "Last week, you were acting weird…".
That, Kalinda thought they'd left it behind, she's done everything in her power to be light hearted and fun around Alicia. Starting with that little game in Alicia's office and going on all week. She doesn't want to burden Alicia with her insecurities and doubts, there's enough time to dwell on it when she's alone.
"Oh, that", she tries to act as if it wasn't a big deal, "it was nothing, I was just tired".
Alicia gives her 'don't bullshit me' look so she averts her gaze and finds sudden interest in her nails.
"No, Kalinda. It wasn't nothing, you were upset, and then you tried to pretend everything's fine and to distract me with your play".
'Shit' Kalinda thinks, 'she sees right through me'.
"No", Alicia continues, "Something that day bothered you, and for some reason you didn't want me to know about it".
There a little accusation in these words, but more so there is hurt, and Kalinda cringes inwardly, she managed to fuck up once again.
She contemplates saying something, trying to think of a reason, but Alicia seems determined to go on, and since it doesn't seem she can stop her it may be better to let her.
"So, I tried to think what that might be, at first I thought you were jealous of Will, it did start after you saw me in his office".
Kalinda raises her head to protest but Alicia stops her "No, I know it's not that, it didn't fit, it just isn't like you".
She goes back to stare at her hands.
"No", she repeats, "it couldn't be just that, so I started thinking of all the other times you acted like this".
Now Kalinda head shots up in surprise, she doesn't recall any other time she did.
Alicia smiles a wry smile "It wasn't that profound, but it did happened. Every time I was close to a man".
Apparently, Alicia knows her better than she does herself, and she became quite the observant too. It was Kalinda who told her she should pay more attention to the little details, that this is how you can really understand people, she never thought it'll come back and bite her in the ass.
Alicia and men,it wasn't a new concern, but she thought she did better to conceal it, she was convinced, in fact, that it hadn't affected her, at least not a visible effect , even she wasn't going to deny the internal one.
"But never with women, not a single one, not even that hot client from two weeks ago that tried to hit on me".
Kalinda remembers that one, a stuck up-full of herself-big shot, and she wouldn't exactly call her hot. She didn't like her from the start, and even less so after she so bluntly hit on Alicia. She almost wanted her to lose the case, fortunately for her, Kalinda hates to lose, and it was Alicia's case. But it didn't really bother her, she wasn't a threat, she and Alicia just laughed at her attempts while having dinner.
"Alicia…", she tries to sneak a word, but she doesn't know what the rest of the sentence should be.
Alicia looks at her expectantly, and when she remains silent, she says "So"
And she sounds like she's giving her closing arguments in a trial, Kalinda would've laughed if she wasn't horrified. She would have run too, if she didn't lose the ability to move a while ago, along with her ability to speak, she was too nervous about the outcome of this all, she fears she may have shorten her time.
"The only reasonable conclusion is that you don't like me being close to men. The question is: Why?"
Kalinda refuses to look at her, but it doesn't seem Alicia is going to talk until she does, so in the end she sighs and meets Alicia's eyes. There is love in them, and worry, a little fear maybe, and, here it is again, pain.
Kalinda almost looks away, but something in Alicia's stare prevents her from doing so.
"Are you afraid I'm going to leave you for a man?", she asks, keeping her eyes in place.
But Kalinda feels that pang in her heart and closes her eyes "You are straight", she points out. She curses herself a second later, realizing what she just said, how it must sounded. She wonders since when she has no filter between her mind and her mouth.
Alicia lets out a weary laugh "Oh, really? Is that why I've been sleeping with you for the last three months?", she shakes her head "or is there a minimum number of women I need to sleep with to qualify for a membership card?" , her voice is full of sarcasm and Kalinda can sense how angry she is.
"That's not what I meant"
"Then what did you mean Kalinda? Cause I'm getting tired of guessing here" her voice is rising with every word "What do you mean? How do you feel? Just… just talk to me" and her last words are barely a whisper.
Kalinda doesn't want to, but she can't keep silence anymore. She waves her hand, tries to find the right words.
"It's only logical that you would want to have normal life someday, to be with a man", she shrugs.
Alicia looks at her in disbelief "Do you really think that little of me?"
Seems like everything she says come out wrong. "No, no", she hurries to Alicia, but she backs away from her. "Alicia, it's… just… not easy being together, for both of us, but for you especially." She reaches her hand to touch Alicia's shoulder but retrieves it in the last minute.
"I don't want life to be hard on you, and if you stay with me it will. It was always just a matter of time before you'll realize this, before you'll realize I can't give you the life that every girl dreams of. And then what's to stop you from leaving for someone who can?"
"I can't decide if I should be hurt by this or… I don't even know what", she lets out a dry laugh.
Kalinda again cringes, she wishes she could just disappear, and Alicia isn't making it easy on her.
"Kalinda, look at me".
She doesn't. Alicia gets closer, puts her hand on her chin and turns her face so she has to look at her.
"This", and she gestures between herself and Kalinda "is not some kind of distraction for me, it's not a way to pass the time until I have a better offer", she takes a breath, "God, Kalinda, I'm not some 20 years old college girl experimenting, it is real".
"You talk about dream? About normal? Ha, I've had my dream wedding, my house in the suburb with the white picket fence. I was as normal as they get". Kalinda looks at her, and Alicia smiles, just a tiny movement of lips, "Turns out normal didn't work for me that well".
By now she moves her hand to Kalinda's cheek and she caresses her, Kalinda leans into the touch, "You don't understand, it'll be hard, more than you think. I… I don't want you to leave, but I won't blame you if you did, It's just…" and her voice breaks.
"I may leave you", Kalinda wants to cry hearing these words, but she holds the tears. "But it won't be because I'll suddenly decide I want to be with a man, or I want something easy."
She takes Kalinda hands in her one of her hands while the other remains on Kalinda's cheek.
"Oh, honey, relationships are hard, but we work on this, together. I'm not with you because I want easy, I'm with you because it's fun, and because it's makes me happy and because I love you". Alicia says those last words as if she herself is surprised by them, but then she repeats them, more firmly "I love you". And now there is a big smile on Alicia face, like she just found some sort of treasure.
Kalinda wants to cry and she wants to laugh, she wants to say something, anything, but she can't. Her heart surely missed too many beats for her to still be alive, Alicia just told her that she loves her.
Alicia looks at her like she sees her for the first time, or rather like she sees her in a new light. She looks almost as if she's on high, but she gets herself together, her voice now serious "But Kalinda, honey, you need to trust me, you've got to talk to me, you've got to tell me what bothers you, you can't keep it all inside".
Kalinda hears her talks, she wants to open up, but she doesn't sure she can. Alicia, however, seems to be able to read her mind, so she says, "you can't be strong all the time, you can't put on your shields forever, you can let me in, I won't hurt you".
Kalinda feels herself melting, but old habits die hard "I can be strong".
Alicia holds her now, and she whispers in her ear as she rubs her back "I know, honey, I know, but you don't have to, why don't you let me be the strong one for a while?"
Kalinda shakes her head against Alicia's shoulder "I can't… you…" she mumbles.
"Shush, I can be strong for both of us"
And Kalinda knows it's true, and that fact, that realization that she can finally let go, after all this time, that she is safe and loved, it is just a bit too much, so she cries. She doesn't even try to stop it, to hide it, because for the first time since forever she feels she can let go, she can cry in front of someone and it won't be used against her, it won't be a sign of weakness, it is a sign of trust.
She finally realizes what it means to be an 'us'.
So she cries, and Alicia holds her. And later she kisses her tears away and then she just kisses her.
This night they don't just sleep.